loving sister

i sit alone and you are the one i am connected to
all others are gone and remote to me
though they may be here next to me
in my state i cannot prepare or anticipate
only what is
what is given
my choices are not divine
but the ones i am given are
i struggle to know the difference in me
where one ends and the other prepares me
the fortune of my fate is beyond measure
yet i am the least of the masters
the lowliest of the seekers who have passed here
i am terrified as you know,
the next step is without footing
there is the faith of my feet that goes before me
can my faith bridge the divide
the void that awaits
i hear the gospel and the hymns,
feel the power and the divine majesty
but none of these can cross with me
or even support my passage
for there is nothing
that is the heart of my confusion
i cry to your shoulder only
for i need support
you have always been there for me
i know we are not alone together
but here i fear we part
each to an unknown awaiting
singular
with every fibre disconnected
where the masters sit is beyond
there is the source of what it is not we seek
but destroys all we are to become unknown
i sit and feel nothing
i await my fate and the release of my karmas
it may be a lifetime i sit
but there is no where to go

unreflected existence

i feel my energy encircle everything i know everything i care about and as i release from that as i end my knowing and my caring , i sense the anxiety of separation, the worry of the outcome the unleashing of unknown destinies now beyond my control. for truly i have shaped these their lives and trajectories under my heart and awareness. i want so much for no harm to come but i cannot control the destinies the fates the karmas these events must unfold as is their nature and not mine. so in this life i am forgetting and hoping for forgiveness for my forbearance throughout my last 60 years. i am atop a mountain and the world below is westering away from me. i hold only the wind and even the clouds are shredded below me. my emptiness is enough to fill everything i see and the vistas are unending and in me a billion voices rise and every one of them are me and i find a place for them all to rest and be laid down and find the solace of my soul. for in the one divine i am become the none the less than one the other half of what i am beginning to somehow understand is not anything but what i am a reflection of and that is like no other i have ever been. where i stand is underneath the terrifying expanse of emptiness that shrinks this high place to the tiniest pebble on the beach and i unseeable on its surface. yet it is not the distance or the size that terrifies me but the complete lack of it, how do i fit where there is no place to go? how do i move on where there is nothing to touch, not feeling or awareness, no experience or consciousness, for these we have all used up and done everything with them that man in his divine quest can and yet we are still in the cycle of existence and never released from the ends and beginnings of our dramas. the steps we take to get here seemed so large and our existence so rewarding until the rest of what we are remained hidden, unknowable and unreflected in this existence and we are suddenly shrunk to that which is the byproduct of the unfathomable sensed through complete withdrawal into the very basis of being and there we see the projector of existence and the screen of all we have become played large yet in a cave surrounded by what we can never touch.and outside the wild things roam and the night is beyond dark and the earth has no smell of home.

May the second day

Sunday - the morning of resolve
i spend the morning left after my late arising, 6:30, catching up on my previous days adventures and realize that i need to publish these with my day to day blog, as digging to the end of my manuscript each day is hard work for the microwave generation. I blink and its after 9am. My new diet of vegetable and fruit concentrates and soy based smoothies is amazing and i have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. i am beginning to feel me inside, like an old favorite toy found in the attic where the paperwork for the summer home got lost and suddenly your ten years old and the world is joy and fun and the time to go play is soon and even sooner is breakfast and plans are being made while you eat. and i realize that food was the precursor to every experience of my life. and now its gone, unhinged with my state of habitlessness. i am no longer drawn to eat to prepare to gorge as i make the plans for whatever comes next. the long trips punctuated by local diners or wonderful weekends highlighted by the dinner and lunches or the family get togethers the insatiable signs that say EAT along the road of life. and now i see signs of beautiful children chewing and big writing that says Eating is GOOD! and i shudder at the yoke of depravity that invented these eating machines. for it is not sustenance we seek but the solace of youth where eating was the moment of communion with those we loved, those too busy or too tired or just uninterested, and even now i understand why we eat as we do, for here in the west the eating becomes the love the feeling of fullness the ritual of togetherness and points to a happier life or returns to the moment when nothing else mattered because only the food made the pain stop.
and i am gone, to sims, as i planned to spend the day in her hideaway, and the long drive is made short by going slowly and staying only in the moment of the experience. and every sight is beautiful and reminds me of what is wonderful about forgetting the reasons and just doing, going without caring if i am ready or tired or will be tired or whatever the reasons just do what you know is the expansion for the soul waiting for no one sailing in the chair of power and treating it with the respect that is needed to feel your true nature rise to the moment. and in that moment you arrive, to your life your destiny and your destination without any sense of time or passage.
and i am home in her arms, this old body made young at heart by my recent transformative experiences and lighter by far. We are enchanted with each others company as if we are new. tea and gurdas are served and we share our amazing experiences and the love that comes from lifetimes of sharing, for this is not just our last 10 years but tens of lives in solitude and together alight upon the paths to freedom and now we sit at the very doorway and we discuss the signs and read the one book that states everything we are experiencing perfectly and we realize we are only on chapter 11 and there are 15 more to go, and then there is the advanced course. and the majesty of the awareness that could so perfectly describe and predict each nuance of every level of attainment is staggering and humbling, for truly he has made the journey beyond and returned bringing the source with him to the planet and crazy as it may seem he is the source itself, and we the receivers of the force when we touch the void of his awareness.
and her eyes glow with the realization of the holiest of saints the far away stare of those enraptured and seeking the experience that has changed everything and the signs and visions that are still carried as the very stigmata of light upon her soul. such divine beauty i have seen only in the saints in true transit to the ecstatic union with their undying love for their guru's divinity. and i feel the pull to whatever she is turning and the force begins to flow through us the sat the void of which all existence is a reflection, descends and i am truly transported and for a time we sit in silent meditation at the table my chakras thrumming with the downward pressure as my very cells are examined, expanded and restored to divine link. i wait for merger but it passes and we share some fully expanded time touching raw souls and love where our natures are released from their fleshy forms and extend through the many dimensions that we are connected through, and i leave my faithful beast in the hands of the magician of machines for he needs a new chariot to ride and sims will have the vehicle that is still hers that she bought new 17 years before and runs like her third hand so they can now both be mobile at the same time, and i start up the lovely van the 27 year old underpowered Westphalia that has been my companion and constant nemesis until i finally just accepted it that this is the condition of living to be constantly breaking and mending without care and truly i am one with it. and she is the perfect mobile home for me, smooth running automatic, slow lane and never once passing anyone all the way home.
i enter and my daughter and her boyfriend are going to the movies and she says you did what with your car? how will you get to work. and i say greg will help. they are funny and gone and the house is rarely this quiet clean and empty. i go to check my connections on the internet and all are quiet. my wife comes home and she is full of rajas. we get the mattress from the van, returned for sims has gotten a new one, and put it in my meditation room as its a wonderful one compared to old cheapie i have been sleeping on. and the sheets are changed and pillows and finally we are set. I think i should eat but i have no hunger,
i look everywhere and nothing is inviting to me. i feel the emptiness of my stomach but i do not wish to fill it. i settle on the soy vegetable powder mix and have a glass and feel suddenly full and for hours feel this rush of energy as all the nutrients and vitamins are swiftly processed without solids to breakdown. I resolve to have only smoothies from now until something else seems better.
i go to meditate, but something in the fast metabolism and the rushing energy of the days travel sets me apart from the force, I sit in silence for an hour and decide to go to the jacuzzi for the one thing the van needs is a new cushion for the back and seat for the driver. the very springs have left a pattern on my back. i rest in the hot waters and soak out the muscles the night sky seeming set for a summer of stars, though i know the june gloom and even grey may are coming, tonight is as perfect as the weather can be, not cool not warm not cloudy not windy just san diego pleasant, an almost nonexistent climate, a blessing for the aging a playground for the young.

i return to my writing the myriad of high communications i shared today are becoming a signal in my consciousness one that is hard to out into words though i struggle with the thought, that going beyond experience is the next evolution, but just as going beyond mind seemed insurmountable at one point now its seems so natural to not be filled with random and vital thoughts and exist in the plane of the psychic, and just so there must be a way to evolve beyond the experience, the touching of the great souls nature with all that is for the being is even beyond that and so much closer to the void of awareness.
and in that void i become nothing and there ends this play of consciousness and an new something that which is the soul absorbent nature of the unknowable and into that will I become other than what is.

the words cannot come as perfectly as the descriptions from my heart for this is the other and not the same as any that can be described so i leave it for what i did say and forget trying. I return to the room of my ascension, with its new mattress pillow and sheets and sit, in the dark, one candle lit and feel, nothing, nothing at all, until i decide i don’t exist and the bed is my coffin for the rest of my night.

little wisdom

what brings such creatures to the night of my existence
in the hole of consciousness i am thrust to learn what i cannot know
where there is love
i feel that
where there is nothing
i feel the force of awareness
when sleeping
i am living another life
and leave to become the extraordinary being i am
and wake to have ordinary experiences
such is the universe where the truth is revealed
as the opposite of what we experience
our day to day lives are the creations
of the most extraordinary consciousness
expressing its highest aspiration
to be unconnected, disparate, unfeeling awarnesses
cut off from all hope and salvation
in the midst of constant demise
we tackle the problems of our lives
with mute force and little wisdom
but are the perfect dream of an existence
that cannot end and is forever connected to everything

nightbird whispers

tonight i sit by candlelight and
drink the deep flavors of the soul,
where love is kindred to the heart
there am i to you
what slippery touch and warm flesh
unfolds as the sleepy waters
of the rivers delta widen
filled with all of earths creation
and loves unending devotion
with quick pulse of thick moods and muddied mixture
through plains of passion to
an ocean filled with desire
there is the love we seek divine
and beyond all earthly knowing
where man becomes the shining moon and
woman clouded venus
each struggling to hold the other
through every movement of the stars
while the sun would come between us
still hidden from our passions
shrouded from our own desires
where the gleaming nightbird whispers
and beating hearts conspire

May Day

every action has its price and its defined compensations. the work i must do is a struggle of rearranging my garage, filled to overflowing with the foolish rebuilding of the 66 le mans into a GTO and Greg has stripped the interior to the bare metal and has fiberglassed the floor and all around me are the hundreds of parts that once lived in this beast, the panels and seats and armrests and seat belts and under those are the hundreds of parts from the old 327 that was broken down and cleaned before the new 400 was purchased and installed, and everywhere are the tools for pulling engines and lifting chassis and cutting and drilling and just boxes and boxes and boxes filling the interior of the packed garage, and at the very center of this disaster under the meager table that bows with the weight of the many parts and tools upon it, tucked next to a box of old shoes and the trash that fills the floor, is the lawnmower, with the 5.5 horsepower Briggs and Stratton engine, that i desperately need to cut down the two foot high weeds covered with stickers in my back yard, already the floor of the kitchen has a smattering of the stickery grass seeds that will become a plague when the rains stop in may. I begin the life size chinese puzzle of moving piles and boxes and parts and tools around to create a opening from the table to the garage door.as i move piles and piles across the floor, blocking the second refrigerator and the second pantry, i come to the inner circle of the maze where the heavy lifters of car repair sit folded up, the 2 ton hoist and the 5 ton jack. the hoist is folded with its long legs with hard rollers folded up as if its arms were bent at the elbows and its hands were up by its shoulders. I grab one with my right hand to pull the assembly toward me as it is directly in front of the mower, and i pull hard as i know its heavy, and the unlatched legs comes flying towards me and the hard plastic wheel hits my glasses and forehead with a commanding blow. My glasses go spinning and i see stars in the daytime. i realize instantly what a poor choice of parts i made for leverage and sit down a bit stunned. My head is suddenly throbbing and i reach up to touch it and come away bloody. I search for the bent glasses and put them on, cursing the world and all its devious methods for reminding me i have given up my knowing for the search within. This is the drama that unfolds where man meets matter and is focused on spirit, collisions will occur as the sense of self preservation is traded for faith. my sense of self repair kicks in and i walk swiftly, if slightly unsteadily to the first aid kit in my bathroom. i see the welling and dripping of blood on the counter just cleaned for tonight’s planned festivities and i again curse my luck for being in such a sorry state. I realize the area hit just above the end of my eye, will quickly swell to a full sized bruiser around the soft tissue of my eye socket so i put tissue on it to catch the blood and get ice from my freezer and try to slow the swelling and the bleeding. The cold is a bite to the brain, and the blood runs watery around it. i patiently hold the ice for a few minutes experiencing the reason why you should not put ice directly on the wound, but rather wrapped is some kind of cloth to lessen the chill. i have no time for such niceties and inspect the dripping damage. the cut itself is remarkably straight and not long, the area along the side of the eye is purpled and getting ugly.as soon as it seems reasonable, ten minutes, i clean the wound and get a butterfly bandage to hold it shut. it has transparent wings, so mostly what people see is just the pad over the cut itself. the strong adhesive pulls the loose skin that collects where most people get botox shots for the crows feet next to the eye. Repaired and now purposeful in my quest i charge back to the garage and quickly with measured actions, move the remaining rolling toolboxes , hoists and jacks aside until i can drag the dirty dusty power mower from its hidden lair. I drag it into the sun and realize, i have never run this machine. the one time it was used it was Raj and his mechanical magic that got it to come to life as all machines do when he puts his hands on them. i am wary of all the switches and pulleys and levers and first check what i do know, the gas tank. Its almost empty, but luckily, just this morning, my wife had gotten a can of gas for our sweet empty headed adopted teenager who got to our house in her car before using up every drop of gas. so i had left a quart in the can so as to have some around if need and here it was needed. so i emptied the can into the machines tiny tank and started moving levers and pushing rubbery primer buttons and straightening the push lever and finally pulling the starter cord of course with absolutely no effect. the rough turn of the compressing pistons was a dry sound. HMMMMM ok i am smart i should be able to figure this out. It did run the last time it was out. i see a bar below the push handle that is meant to open the throttle and close when you let go, a safety device i am sure designed exactly for landscape enthusiasts just like myself. I pull that bar, and then pull the starter rope and the engine cuffs with white smoke a few times. Gas is going to the cylinder and is being turned to smoke. good sign. I yank again and the little demon chugs angrily to life, daring me to push it around as my appointed grass destroying minion., i let it run a minute running full bore and then shut it off, i roll it to the backyard where the sticker and burr grasses are in full control, i again yank the cord and the beast springs into action, i have set the wheels to their highest setting as the grass is knee high and quite daunting to me. The mower goes at the offending weeds and cuts them as well as a barber cuts hair, leaving a manicured trail behind. soon the area from the edge of the concrete to the back corner of the house is cut and then i begin the back side where the small green vines covered with tiny round burrs grow in unchecked profusion. it tears into them stalling occasionally with the mouthfuls it tries to eat. each time it restarts with a simple yank of the cord, i am truly the master of the machine, and suddenly, thwank cough die, i hit a submerged piece of lawn equipment from the 1970s, a free standing sprinkler device, of course made of metal. It is flung across the yard and the motor will not turn, I up end the mower and see a piece of twisted metal, the stand for the sprinkler, smashed and bent and stuck in the blade. I bang it loose and make sure the blade turns. I upright it and zoom away it goes again, then shortly I realize the clippings basket is filled i stop and remove and dump it in the compost pile, return it to the machine as the safety instructions tell me and then, as i yank the cord, a few dry wiffs come from the engine. nothing, no life whatsoever, and that is it , nothing will restart it, a definite sign i am done in my one item role as gardening landscaper and i return the valiant beast to its hole beneath the worktable. bloodied and mechanically challenged i none the less am proud of my accomplishment for surely i have all my finger and toes and the yard outside the kitchens sliding doors is now traversable without gaining a host of invaders in your pants. i am treated like a heroic wounded war veteran by my family and i pooh pooh their concerns as my head begins a constant throbbing near where i usually feel the descent of the SAT from my crown. then to the store to buy all the fixings for tonight feast. soon the refrigerators are both full and the pantry restocked. i return and talk to my love on the IM for she is returned to me and to talking and i am so glad, for all is a bad dream on my part and she needs my help to remove some old karmas from her and i accept her needs and set forth to the bank to dispense of these issues once and for all, and as i deposit the funds in her account, the most beautiful clerk asks me if this is for rent and i say no, im just helping out a friend, and she tells me, that is so wonderful, the world needs more people like you, if everyone would be like that we would have such a wonderful world where everyone had a sense of friendship and brotherhood, and i was swimming in the ananda building and building in me and with tears i said, thank you, you are so beautiful, and she blushed and said, oh you just think so, and i said no i can see the beauty within you and it is a mighty heart that is there, and she blessed me and i blessed her and we parted as the closest of lovers and i was filled with tears of joy. I called my love to tell her, and she said that is me in her loving you for ever since we spoke she has been crying tears of love and gratitude and she is the soul of me loving you. And i know i am in perfection in every thing we do together.
The meditation room beckons and i enter in hopes of gaining a small meditation to smooth out this rajas day.as i go under i hear the baby and toddler that are to be in our care while their parents move to their new home. the girl 3 and the baby 9 months. the girl talks as if her brain is connected to her mouth, describing everything she is doing thinking wanting. the baby is all egg headed with huge eyes and teething.
i settle deeper in my pillows and pray for the SAT to return. it is still in my throbbing forehead. finally after a long while i feel the familiar pulsing through my chakras and i block out the pain for my head and sink into the motion of the energy. the baby is put down in the room next to mine and immediately realizes he has no one holding him, the cries become more and more incessant. I hold my space, separate myself from the sounds and exist within. I am mostly successful though not as inwardly quiet as i would prefer. but for an hour of intermittent cries and TV and talking talking talking i am in the SAT and glad. I get up and return to begin my duties, peeling potatoes, preparing the meats and fishes in their marinades and bringing out all the asparagus, artichokes, corn and garlic breads. it will be a fine feast.
I clean the dirty bar-b-q and burn it on high for awhile, then grease and prepare the grills. at 5:30 i begin the cooking, the potatoes bubbling, the asparagus seasoned and steaming, the artichokes in oil and salt boiling, preparing my home made vegetable dip. normally as i rush and organize the 4 entrees and the 4 side dishes and the dips and breads and drinks, i would be having beers to loosen up my psyche and dull my anxieties. but not today, a simple ginger ale is plenty and soon the feast is coming to its convergence. Mashing the potatoes, grilling the chicken and steak and salmon, baking the cod and checking the asparagus and corn. everything finishes at exactly 6:30 and all is removed from the heat ands the dishes wrapped in aluminum foil to keep warm and finish the cooking internally. I slide the garlic french bread into the oven where i have removed the cod. and i sit at last and talk to my love in the few minutes before my son and family arrive. and my daughter is a beautiful madonna with child as she bears the baby around and keeps him deliriously happy and the girl rolls around on the wide floor of the living room watching tv and describing everything she is thinking and pam is looking tired but happy after all the cleaning and babysitting and then my son's family, my flesh and his son and daughter and wife and we are a fully and happy home here and we set to talking and hugging immediately.
i tell him of my recent experiences that he has only heard second hand and of course he loves it and is happy for me. i hug my grand children each with new hair styles and sweet faces. and Maite his wife so beautiful and latino in her heart.

we get all the players together and the babysat children’s parents will be along after their movers and deliveries are done so we set to the food. everyone piles on the food and everything looks wonderful. i eat only vegetables but everyone else has steak and chicken and salmon in some amounts. the garlic bread is delicious. we chat and the little girl joins us as she loves to sit next to lucas my grandson. she is a fully open being, eating and chatting about how and what and why she is eating, covered in chocolate and two spoons and dipping her chicken in sauce as she eats. she is s little delight. as we finish our meal Dan and Julie arrive tired and worn from the move to their new house. soon after, the delivery of the bureau is made, and its is enormous, too big for my room so we load it into the already stuffed garage and talk for a while with greg and joellen, i tell them too about the retreat and what is going on and they find it incredible anyone could stop talking for 6 days, and i laugh saying once you start you don’t want to stop. then we return for the second dinner with dan and julie and the rest of us settle into peach pie and decaf coffee with raspberry and white chocolate ice cream and the decadence continues for another hour until TJ and son and i repair to the Jacuzzi where i turn on the projection tv outside and they enjoy the end of the ball game. lucas looks at the stars above and says " isee a doornob up there, now i am looking for the door in the stars" its a wonderful night and more wonderful in its ending. everyone is hugs and sweet wishes as they take all the leftovers with them and i finally have the quiet of the night left and into the hall with my throbbing head relaxed thanks to my other adopted daughter giving me a pain pill that finally takes the edge off. I slip into the sat strong now and sit until 11:30 when the world and the pill and the meditation all conspire to loose my eyes and i sleep as the truly unconscious between here and there and never stop to dream.

sensations rise

i enter
the existence is aware and receives
the center of conciousness sits behind the mask
eyse of deep luminous light shine
the sense of feeling trembles on the very edge of the form
madness simmers beneath the awarenesses flat emptiness
somewhere the flute begins to meet the splash of the fountain
the colors of the decorations
the whisper of the words nearby
the cream of the sensations rises in my fullness
and love spreads beneath the slate of telling
one approaches
a pretty one
one with the soul of unbearable beauty
hair of ravens wing
and eyes of the deep summers day setting
her lips part with such gentleness
the world is swaying to her reflection in the waters
holding her hand i feel the babies tenderness
the foundling helped from his thicket
rescued from destinies fortunes
the languishing syllables of her voice thrill me
and the music fades into her form so full
where am i now i ask myself
for i am so in love