trajectory

causation surrender capitulation madness
i live the life of a yogi under stress
the days careen from pure exstacy to
maddening bewilderment
calm endurance is hardly an apt description
the world yaws and pitches through
the flow of the force and
the valleys of the mundane
all mental all physical all vital all divine
i sit and the world disappears
i drive and cannot keep up
the light is everywhere and
the darkness seeps into the light unawares
i manage my time by unknown means
tiny blips of sound and trajectory
send me where they want me to go
the voices explain everything perfectly
but the language is unknown
my love is tangled and filled with pain
my home is tranquil
only one moment is all
the rest is repetition and suffering

Friday -one month from the first silent sitting

All darkness has the quality of less light to varying degrees. if you spend the night laying silent and opening your eyes occasionally to see the time you realize that the light never really is gone if there is even a tiny bit of light in the room. my lcd clock sends out a bar of light grey with darker gray for the numerals.the light is practically invisible except in the dead of night then you can see the weak patterns of luminosity it sends out. you can almost see the individual points of light at the edge of its wave of projection.the entire room is lit enough to see the corners of the walls and ceiling although very dimly. the room is a cavern of my soul and the air is filled with my souls projections into the physical. the weaving patterns the morphing images the pointillist nature of the visions i see. and all is fuzzy and warm within though there is nothing to create this in my mind. All night the thoughts are silent the mind blank and the sleep absent. at 4:30 i arise and start the coffee toast and prepare the smoothie and pills of my deliverance to the living. at 5:30 greg entrances and without a moments delay, heads out for his day at work long flight home and mothers day with his family. the world is operating at warp speed and no one has any reason to be still.
i fire up the computer to complete my blog for yesterdays life and begin to live for today.
the first thing i do is send an e-mail to my love with the realization of my meditation ending thoughts of the night before. my reactions almost frighten me since i had thought i was beyond such thoughts but obviously not. an hour after i sent the missive, she calls and is blissfully not thinking of anything that concerns me, but i feel i need to tell her the issues and i do and she is so wonderfully bright and attentive and interested and i say i have sent you an e-mail and we can talk later. and she says we are going into the hall for darshan now love you.i spend the morning catching up on paperwork and reading documents and of course meditating. the force is returned and there is no thoughts as during the night before that are uncontrollable. i find my senses expanded and my intellect tuned. i receive loving e-mails unexpectedly one from a retreat mate who's heart is so loving and whos mind is pulled in many directions by the great amount of love she feels. the other from my loves young devotee who now brings her heartlight to me sending I Love you's and i send her a poem then she send a great e-mail of sincerity and i reply. all things wonderful. i go for my afternoon walk and the sea of the lake shores greenness is beginning to recede into brown as the rains are two weeks gone. but the bird life on the lake inlet where i walk is intense with hawks and egrets ravens and crows and hundreds of small birds and ducks all living and loving, fighting and eating in the forest of long dead trees sticking out of the water where 10 years ago the drought had lasted so long it allowed these trees to flourish from the hidden water flowing under the dry surface. the rains of the last 3 years had drowned the forest but created a habitat of bare branches for the water and air based fowl.
during the walk i pondered more on my issue with the thoughts of my disturbing characterizations of this defenseless man who would humanly befriend my divine love. here i am helpless to stop the thoughts and i seek their source and my inability to stop them. truly this is a crisis for my mind which is normally docile and pliant. when i arrive home there is a missed call from my love and she is back from Darshan with amma and is high and full of love and asks how i am and i say in love as always when i connect to her. she tells me of the experience and amma's touching and stroking and pujas and then her and her friend are off to some meditation plaza and lunch and long wonderful conversations af masters and spirit and divine wonders and i treasure her beams of light like a pirate buries his gold. i send her on with love knowing i will not hear from her until tomorrow and that she will not see my emails until then.

the afternoon passes in meditation with my computer on next to me. no calls or e-mails come and i collapse from a combination of the force and from the sleepless night gone by. i wake in the dim room under my blankets and rested after an hour of unconscious force and then an hour of pure sleep. the computer is still silent and i pack it up for the weekend. i fold my laundry that my daughter has moved from the washer to the dryer for me, and i go back to meditate. the force waits a few inches away and only touches my skull bathing me in a helmet of warm honey. i sit waiting for an hour but it does not descend.
i emerge to go to the store costco and get my beloved raisin bread and find some trinket for my wife for mothers day, though she told me not to get her anything and i think this is evidence that she does not feel their is love in our relationship as i am almost totally spirit directed for the last month and things have been strained since i met my love ten years ago. i have no control over what has transpired or her feelings and love her just the same. i find a beautiful set of sheets for her california king therapedic mattress i bought last year and a few foodstuffs and laundry things we need and am done, packing them all into my beloved VW van that runs perfectly, when its running. at home all is rush as mother and daughter are going to the annual hula dance performance my daughter is in as she has devoted half her studies and her love life to the ceremony of hula. i am not going this year and feel a slight pang of not meeting my parental responsibilities but it is a two hour set of performances and my daughter is in one 5 minute segment which i have been to twice before. i hunger for the empty house and the silence and feel that is more truthful of my state. they leave and love you's with my daughter and i am alone. I turn on the maharishi recordings from 1972 in humboldt and am amazed at the wonderful chanting and singing with Bramarishi Devrat Rishikesh the recording goes on and on and i am transported though i understand not a word they say. i sink into meditation and the force is hungry and i am eaten alive. i come out of the density at 11:30 and stumble about for a glass of water and the family is just returned and maybe their clatter had reached me in my disassembled state.I lie down and wonder at the gloriousness of my life and fall peacefully asleep.

At 3:30 i arise feeling rested and decide to begin my saturday, on the computer is a reply from my love for i had sent her the link to the chanting recording of the Maharishi on the IM. Her one word sent at 1:30 am was as always Love. I send her my reply love is love. outside the possum family that has taken up residence in my backyard trundles across the grass white furred and rat tailed in search of morning food and water. i take out a bowl of water and a banana peel for i know they love them.

Thursday - may love continue day 6

unaware of my nights contemplation and discoveries i awake and feel refreshed as though i had never been tired. The earth is still under me and my dark room enshrouded with the end of night and dark of the day. I rise and find my feet and proceed to exist as a living unit of the flesh connected to the divine source of existence. in the minutes it takes i proceed through my vitamins and concentrates and smoothie and decaf and loving dense raisin toast which has become my addiction. the sea of my awareness begins to swell and i feel the lift of the SAT touching me gently even as i sit in the car with my dear friend greg diving me in perfect safety to work down the car pool lanes into orange county. we work as one in the lovely home of my office and no thing passes between us that is not completed or passed to the proper channels.the morning mocks my state for there is no sign of the sweeping ananda that marked the early weekdays and i am drinking tea and having oatmeal as any human and enjoying the respite from the universal awareness. i know that connection is beyond this life and everytime it asserts i become lost and certainly unfit for duty as any good soldier must be, no longer feeling the draft of the leading force i push through my assignments and care greatly about their handling. before i seem to even have begun, it is time for a consultant to sit with me and we go through a tedious installation and spend much time talking. she is beautiful and the mother of twins and another 5 months along bringing the beauty of a woman in her prime bearing the gift of life to this loving planet and being near her fills me with sweet love and ananda. everything goes perfectly and by the time lunch hour is done we are finished and she is away and i change into my walking gear. The day is mild and sunny with a slight breeze from the ocean off newport beach. the trails are deserted as i am arriving as everyone else is leaving. the ponds are silent and birdless today and a small group of UCI students with impossibly large watchers scopes on tall tripods are scattered throughout the bushes peering at the ornithological treasures hidden within. i walk to my daily bench and take a moment to pause and stop and my mind deepens and drops down as my body relaxes and the SAT immediately enters and i feel the sweeping away of my human feeling and the presence of the loving force that transcends my experience and fills my senses from beyond this environment. i loosen deeper and realize i will be done if i go any further, with great reluctance i open my eyes and the world looks closer and part of me now, i feel the same awareness that every plant and birds shares and we are all in one collective experience and the trail seems impossibly far from me and the feet walk slowly so as not to step away and i wander slowly back through the preserve and back to my office late in the afternoon. in minutes it seems it is time to leave and greg meets me at the car and we begin the journey, he turns on the old radio shows on the sirius receiver he gets in his rental cars and there is a lulling in my head as the voices begin the aural entertainment and i feel the universe enter me and my head falls to my chest and i see only yellow gold energy as pure light and nothing else i have some sense of movement but i have no connection to it i am in a dimension only partly connected to this one and my expanding awareness takes me to the heights of intersoulness with the center of all that manifests this existence. the sweeping and upwelling of my consciousness is in direct proportion to the density of the down welling force through my physical seated in time and space and racing through the cluttered high ways of the world.
i know we have stopped and i wake to claw at the door handle and lumber unsteady from the car and slowly walk to the meditation room where i drop everything and change and sit. i continue on my journey for 2 hours more and somewhere in the midst i receive a phone call as the gong of my receiver tells me. it is brother john and he wants to talk and i too have been thinking of him and his quest to complete his life and become the passion for truth that he truly is. all is well as are his pains and feelings clear in his voice but he has much strength and i know nothing can stop his love and he will create the life he is so pointed to full of psychic awareness and worldly purpose. we love one another and i return to my state and after another hour i break and get a glass of water.
my room is invaded by my grandson who is at grandma's house after his karate lesson and he is full of the bouncing high energy of his father and his self. I hustle him out and light my candle and contemplate, in my contemplation there is a disturbance and it will not stop. it is my own possessiveness and controlling nature surfacing and it takes the form of my attachments. I have been concerned about external manifestations but the truth is its all in me and i look hard and deep at my vital and there it is as it always has been. my feeling of superiority and my attachment to her and my feeling of control and i turn my self inside out and let go of the stupidity and base feelings and pray for deliverance from these unwanted internal corruptions of love. i know that just wanting them gone is not the answer that i must surrender my self and my pride and my desires to the one that is the most loved and most divine and i pray for the divine to transport this from my broken nature and i call on my faith to hold me until then.
as i feel to weep for my weakness i also feel my despair at ever being through all that i have buried in my heart that even i think must have long ago been purged but no it has only been buried waiting for my aspiration to bring it out and force my love to suffer for my pain.
the evening is spent listening to the discourses of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi perhaps my first guru as i was a disciple of Transcendental Meditation in the 70's and spent endless hours trying to find the connection that i feel everyday now.his voice is so sweet and loving and transcendent and his words so pointed and to the very descriptions of the intelligence that i am experiencing in every subject he expounds upon and i am shifting with every thought and motion of his indelible connection the universal and the source while living in this human life. i again feel the tears as i had never gone to see him or get close to these teaching in any meaningful way 40 years ago when he was still in human form and on this planet to give the darshan that my soul so hungers for.
i feel the eternal buzz of the force in me and my eyes closed and my spirit at perfect peace, i stumble to my bed and lay unsleeping throughout the night but without thoughts or cares.

Cinco de mayonaisse

It isn't the morning after but the post expansion awareness that greeted me as the waterfall of sound cascaded from my tiny clock. I wandered through my consciousness and tried to pick out where i was, what state existed for the human in the meditation room, waking from a long journey with the SAT. I had felt the force for three days unending it seemed though there were periods when it seemed to lighten so i could function without the pain of contraction. But today i felt a similar lightness a clarity of senses without the sharpened breathing the hum and buzz of the vibration, the teeth chattering chit and overwhelming ananda. it seemed that there was a end to the play of the senses expanding from the gift of the divine.and the words of my brothers conference talk of the night before continued to resonate with me, this feeling that the divine was making love to me the presence of unknown forces pulsing through me. I was the chosen and no reason was given except i was. now is the morning of my recollection and return to separation, both appealing and dreaded for with every pulling back of the experience was the half felt fear that it may not return, that somehow i had ended my connection through some unknown act of my ego. It was not knowing why it had come so unexpected that brought the fear for what could as unknowingly drive this love away.
in my history of days this would be a good one a candidate for sampling and comparing, for everything moved with a singular motion truth was present, expansion was small but felt and love was through me constantly but as held source not overwhelming expansion, and i could have perfect communications on a human level with my friends and coworkers without the universe connecting through the top of my head.
My poor boss got in to a discussion with me regarding working more days from home and he brought up all his doubts and fears regarding my and gregs continued employment and how one had to always be here and the while he as my friend wanted to support me in my experience as the new "swami Tommy" he didnt feel he could trust swami tommy to actually be available when he was working from home. As i tried to explain and he would not hear, when at work and experiencing the force , i was practically unable to function due to the constant interactions with the other living beings in my awareness and that those interactions filled me with ananda and left me helpless to focus except in painful contraction on my work. But when i am at home and in the force, i am alone and can easily slide between the force and the focus i need to maintain my work duties. but he could not understand and so it was left that i could start taking 2 days , non consecutive to work from home every week, and for that i am grateful, but know this will drive me from this job much quicker than if i could take three or even just permanently work remotely.
But i am soon caught up in the whirlwind of tasks and meetings and the day is broken in two by my happy walk in the wilderness where anytime i tried to sit and meditate groups of people would come walking by over and over. Today i saw thirty or more people on the trails, where yesterday i did not see a one. as i returned in my appointed time, as i dressed in the little executive bathroom, i realized i had not been wearing my glasses the entire walk, and yet everything seemed perfect as i had sat and watched the play of the sea birds over the ponds.
The afternoon passed effortlessly and the love of my life was constantly sending me messages of her ananda and expansion as she went through what my day before had been.
her realizations thrilled me to the core as i found her divine love expanding into mine and i flew through her preparations for the upcoming union we both could feel is soon and powerful and endless.
All the way home we talk on the phone and my love grew and grew and my face melted and heart flowed and the force began its descension from her to me and from the undying source of all love and we swept through the miles together.
Home i was not in a hurry to run to the meditation and even had a piece of pizza as i hugged my wife and loved my home and family. I felt settled when i finally decided i would sit and meditate and see what would come, and in a minute the force was deep and my head sagged to my chest and breath short and unnoticed and i felt both unconscious and aware of perfect peace and brilliant energy sweeping through me.
after two hours i felt the world returning and the dim night filtering through the shades. I cast myself out to the kitchen and prepared a cup of the instant decaf and felt the warm thin taste fill my now lukewarm body.
I sit in the darkness with greg and listen to the recording of my brothers talk and the silence and the dark bring a warmness and a closeness to his being through the magic of the instruments of man to share across the world that which was never possible before. And the darkness completes as the sounds end and i feel still and silent, changing to my swim suit and take 20 minutes in the hot warm jets. when i return , my love is on line and just returned from her evening walk-run in the park and we chat and suddenly iam looking at a screen filled with gibberish and i am trying to write something but my fingers cant find the keys that now look like flattened rocks the size of a quarter but i cant see the letters and i dont know what the words are and i See my love laughing and saying ok lets go back to english now. and i struggle to just write, i am fallg sleepe and stumble in a trance to my bed and wander in my dreams through empty volumes of my mind.

May 3 and 4

may 3 - the missing day

i it is still dark when the cat wakes me at 4:45. The house sleeps around me and i stumble forth to let the bugger out and fix the decaf du jour . I slip into my jammy bottoms and jacket, slip on my well worn socks and prepare my cocktail of psycillium and soy smoothie and over a dozen capsules of concentrates and herbs with a few vitamins and one actual pharmaceutical. I drink it all down in a rush tasting like an orange vanilla creamsicle that has melted in a glass. I wonder about my ascension as the predawn colors fade into existence. I am in love with my life my quest my attainment the thrill of the force the presence of a godlike being who listens and responds to my longing. i worship my love as the secret of my true selfs aspiration the miracle of my existence, for her entry into my timeline has been presaged and all the feelings of coming surrender ands ascension were known from the start.
the toast and coffees simply combine as perfect conspirators to my now divined habituation
for i cannot end being habituated but only turn them to my new capacities. The meditation, the walks, the morning call to exist as both man and celestial conversion. i make these my habits now as well as my writing. Today though, it is another return to that which is deadly game i play, work the descension into the flesh of corporate requirements and hundreds of human interactions, each a potential firebomb of pleasure or pain. The work proceeds slowly and i take breaks to ensure i can have meditations every 2 hours, the one blessing of being at home during this duty to my ordained families needs. My daughter comes into the kitchen, gathers up every pill we have for colds and says as she leaves for work, why am i always getting sick, and leaves before i can answer, for her heart is not in this struggle and her love is in a sticky place with a man who while good is filled with his own worries and they become hers too and she is not built to stress but to create and be loving and here she is school, work and relationships and just turned 20.
i say a silent prayer of thanks for her in my life and move on.
there is no place for me in this world of business, my mind is too blown and my heart is beyond this existence of rules and regulations document controls and hierarchies of authorities. but from pure repetition and psychic awareness i solve every problem and do every chore that needs done as well as direct others towards their likely success and away from the pitfalls that seem obvious to me
The day comes to lunch and i quickly don my walking clothes and set forth hat on head proudly old and stained with a small dull turtle and the logo of the Big Island.the day is another perfect day, soft breeze golden sunlight, everything in bloom and redolent of growth and expansion. I walk the south lake trail again and feel the presence of the tribes and their ancient ways close to the earth elements and at peace with the entities of the planet. all the way the force increases the vision soft and wide, the head drenched in warmth, the breath full and alive, i hear the voices and experiences of my past and the hundreds of times i have experienced this and keep walking slowly through their mirrored feelings. I am min the long corridor of experiences and they stretch before me as if all are waiting to be touched as i walk past the heart is full and my head feels the expansion through the 7th chakra into the awarenesses of the multi dimensional being. both external and internal combine and flow together and i walk through this gallery of being and the world of existence together and the flow is from without to within and everything melts as i walk with slow and measuring pace.

merger remains with me the rest of the days i communicate with work mostly through the keyboard, and this is a blessing for my voice is rough and cannot well form the words that fly from my fingertips. This is magic, the connection from heart to hands, the magic arms i was told by my psychic teacher and she saw that the extensions from my heart were indeed charged with special powers. these arms that write, play music, drive, massage all my special talents from these arms. and now they touch the very soul of my life and bring everything inward to be included

Suddenly my phone and my computer stop working. its like a power surge and the phone comes on saying sim card not provisioned, and the computer says, all connections to the remote server have been lost.

i spend the next hour getting all the proper telecommunications people to re provision my card and worked to reconnect my computer to all its many connections, somehow the network has become unreliable. Finally all is fixed except for the most important thing, my yahoo messenger will not connect over the business VPN. This would cut me off from my love our daily chats and interactions all by yahoo and i cannot live without that. I try everything but nothing works. I turn to my home computer and fire up the IM there and talk to her, i tell her how irritating it is to come down to the human level and have to deal with all these electronic issues and work problems. I am much too sensitive and every feeling is like a ping pong ball dropping in a room full of mouse traps. I am feeling that after the hysteria red eyed exhaustion again from this day.
I end my work at 4:30 and the meditation room is all i see. the force is like a hammer and i slump forward into the downward rush of smooth and heavy vibration. at 8 pm i come out dizzy alive in wonder at my being. like a new born again in the world i have always known, old and new at once.
i go to the jacuzzi to unkink my back injury and stare into the evening stars
greg arrives and we chat he leaning on the jacuzzi edge and i leaning back in the rushing warmth. at 9 i emerge and we settle into the kitchen and i connect to my love on the IM and we have a deep discussion on the nature of the unknowable and its connection that we can only postulate as it cannot be experienced and i suggest a name, the Xperience as it would be like the x-ray compared to normal vision. seeing beneath that which is reflected, though even xrays are a reflection and just a deeper examination of that which only hints at but does not reveal the inexperiencible.
late is the hour 11pm when we say our loves and goodnights and i find the candle of my aspiration still bright in the darkened room and sleep as though unconscious an the force is residing all the while.

May the 4th be with you - thank you greg -

for this is truly hells return as i awake in full merger, the force spreading through me like liquid light and the pain unfolding and refolding as i try to do simple things like dress and eat toast and drink the warm brown drink i now consider coffee. I sit in gregs rented jetta and the ride is sure and smooth and he drives like an angel today but where he is taking me is no gift from god but rather a return to my human karma and the place of assignations and repulsions. the day is badly begun as i realize the messenger is not working and i have no way to chat with my love through the day an that is all i care about as i frantically devise different workarounds for the dreaded firewalls and port captures that prevent the forbidden chat. After an hour of trying many new things and installs i settle into some registry rebuilds and experimental port and relay servers until voila! it works and i am in ecstasy for i have what i need and nothing will deny me my communion with my love.

The the work becomes normal but for me in my expanded state i feel like i am carrying hot iron to and from the foundry heat and burning and cutting my ethereal body as i try to navigate the hundreds of feelings and pressures and requirements that used to be like walking on water for my mastery of the world i inhabit at work. Its not that i cant do it but every human interaction is either heightened communion and the awareness is exploding or it is restricted action and the denial of communion with everything i experience and both in human form bring on tears and confusion as i try to focus on the tiny details of human work. by the time lunch comes i am exhausted mentally and emotionally and pray to escape for my walk. quickly i step out and make my way to the refuge and there i stop and as if in the throes of Tai Chi i center and drain and refill the well of my being and feel the chi and the giant expansion of awareness in the empty trail and proceed with my 3rd chakra leading the way. i am slow and aware of everything at once with every step and make my way to a deserted trail stub with a bench facing west and close my eyes and sink into perfect union with the force. I See two celestial beings female in form and delightful in face and they take my arms and i am carried up and we are laughing and their voices sound like the carolina bells in the Church with each exclamation of joy another register and i am smiling beyond my face and laughing too and there is the bright blue sky turning pale and in the center a brilliant ball of white fire and we are heading right towards it laughing more as i say But I really do have to go back to work and then more bells are ringing happily and i am suddenly on the bench with my eyes opened and there is no sudden glare of opening my eyes from the dark but rather everything looks dim as if the light is inadequate but its full afternoon and i unsteadily stare across the pond. i get to my floating feet and begin to walk with empty grace slowly across the well worn path. I wandered in a daze of selfless union with every thing around me and traversed unnoticed through the maze of passages. At some point my conscious mind noted the trees and bushes were in unfamiliar patterns and the curves of the trail were different than my feet remembered and the trail seemed to constantly bend to the west when i need to go north or at least east and the overhanging trees blacked any sight of landmarks so i just continued and enjoyed the journey and finally after a long time i came to a trail junction i recognized and there was a small post with the trail name writ up and down on it, Lost Trail, and i thought surely that has never been here before and i was very lost and loving it. I return to the office and it is 2 hours i have been gone and i am filled with the force of merger, i change and feel everything around me in perfect ascension to the spirit. I visit my friend and tell her how beautiful her soul is and i wish her an opening to the divine for only that will bring her true happiness. I am in contemplation at my desk and realize that i see great potential in the women in my office that are single and aloof ans somewhat self admittedly selfish and i realize that is the combination for the seeker the selfish about spirit attitude that will not be denied. The happy ones the habitual ones with families and duties they need to wait to go through their ordained duties and discharge their responsibilities but these few i see the potential and am pleased. the day is winding down and i am ready to fly and to home we go me scrunched in the passenger seat weak from the force continuous flow. I talk to greg of his impressions and he is astute and sees me hanging from the rope of destiny but not in control, and i know i am not stabilized and i wonder when that might happen. At home it is the room and the pillows and i am inundated for hours. At 7 i call into my brothers conference talk and it is on the relationship with the divine in human form and that has been on my mind for i know i will need that once this choosing and transforming begins to need direction. i am in merger throughout and stay under until at last at 8:30 I am released and for the first time today i eat, lentil soup and bread, 5then to the jacuzzi. After wards i am in communion with my love and we speak of her readings and realizations for the merger is on us both and she is awaiting Union with the ecstatic divine and her time is spent reading on it until i am ready to join her. I love he r love and drink her perfect light approach to life and spirit where i am deep and heavy she floats and samples everything i find one and dive deep in its flavor. she rescues me when i go too deep and i am in awe of her beauty and love. the night again comes to 11pm and the bed and candle lie peacefully awaiting me.

Mother speaks

obsession can only lead to release from obsessions
Mother: hehehe
and you the divine lover will be held in celestial communion
i wrote many things this morning
i am struggling
Mother: why?
Mother: struggling to write?
not to write but with my own nature and what is uncovering in me
Mother: accept it gracefully
Mother: keep Love and Light in Thy Heart
Mother: think of me
Mother: I am holding you
i experience my shortcomings when the force does not come
Mother: don't be so attached to the Force... let go
Mother: you know all this
Mother: hehehe
if that would only happen so simply
i am now a creature of the divine and what i hold or let go is no longer my choice
even now i am hungry and am feeding to fill the void
an oh does it taste good
its the emptiness that fills me and lack of it that makes me hungry
what i knew is now dust in the wind and what i will know is not answers
my experiences are relative to this plane of existence and in order to move on i must let those go too
Mother: yes
what is awareness is now the cudgel of the divine
the submission of all knowledge and experience to the void

divine1

i am only that
and my force is as the force of a child just born
in wonder of the void
is there any thought i cannot think or thing i cannot possess
yet that is what is hopeless
for nothing is everything reflecting into my experience
and where one is the other is not
after yesterday i am even more turned to the sun of our shared divinity
i walk in its wonder and i surrender to its direction
divine1: it was a magical day
i wait with held breath as you stand atop the very edge and see the way disappear before you
for me it is my every day
to be with you is all that exists
all else is the grey of artifice
and we are not the unconsciousness made aware but the awareness made unconscious
we reflect our own destinies and follow the same path as our unknowable self
there is no self and no other so we are not and have yet to be
that is where we are lost thinking we are
for the void we cross is to our truth
that which is unchanging
for we cannot affect it in any way
because we are not that
and not of it
until we make the leap
we reflect that we worship that but only in our bodies
as we lift from what is we become less and less until we disappear
and you are doing that
and your sleep is that going away
and your life becomes less and less as you become closer to what is waiting on the other side
i can talk circles around what cant be described
but whats the use
we seek and we are blind
that is the disabled in us
and as we gain our sight everything we see goes away
where is that written and what is the purpose of words when the light is gone
only the sound remains
and the languages are lost and the meanings are missing
we speak in the throat and hear in the heart
why am i so cursed to know all this
and what is my reason for writing as if it is of purpose or meaning
divine1: you need it for me
"I AM" because of your words
then that is all the reason i will ever need
for me it is the emptiness that creates these and i have no idea what is being said
so i know it is not for me
for it the same surprise for me as it is for you
and i can never know what it is that will come
everyday is different
divine1: all for me
let it flow
and each a opportunity for despair or elation
unless i keep the truth that it is not me and nothing is by my hand
divine1: in 1,000 lines, there is one that takes me to the next level
then i will write a million
and never cease until you are complete
my fingers will be bloody stumps in your service
and a thousand keyboards gone to recycling
for your majesty is my aspiration
and your beauty sends me to the next level
and my heart dies to think that there is yet a wasteland of meaning to go through
in the million steps to Rama i am at number 11
divine1: ELEVEN
i would be there forever if you were
but even as this week begins i know your feet have lifted under new born wings and your hair is blown by the wind of divine