waking pains

placing what is important above what is not. how is this possible when we have no idea what we are doing. without devotion and surrender we just plow through the day doing what is in our desire state eating the food we want not what we need.the path is a twisted wreckage of intentions mistaken for meaning, intending to be something i am not and then finding what that means when everything falls apart. i run to the corner and end up losing my mind trying to figure out why. the least of my issues is the only one that matters, where is my devotion, my surrender, where is the form of my undoing. i live in the spaces between my attention and find myself unprepared to even begin when i think i am almost there.the end is not the end and i a have no idea where i started. love is lust or not even nice and i think it became some perverted sense of self importance and then just a mirror of my misplaced self desire. where there is truth i put interpretation. where i find purpose i put desire and ego. even the niceties i reject now, better to just be unfriendly then to put a false meaning forward. what i really feel is anger towards god and the reason i was born. where is my summer and holiday where is my trip to paradise. the sleep brings me closer to the truth and this waking sense the nightmare of belief.

considerations

the considerations continue, this life this job this relationship. what difference does it make one is just like the other, i guess my choices have been rather uneducated until 12 years ago and by then things had been set in stone. once you reach 50 your life is your life or so you think. i made changes in what i could do outside of my work and relationships and found a world that is the one i want. but moving into it completely has been so difficult, you would think that the world would move into alignment naturally but there is no simple solution but to cut the gordian knot and be done with it. i had love, spirit, meaning, purpose, aspiration, practice all lined up and rather than just leave everything behind i thought i could have it all and ended up with half measures and disappointment. better to get swept away than to be left rooted in the wet sands watching the tide roll away. i have my moments of crystal clarity and supreme devotion but then its crash and burn on the remains of my lifes work, the jagged rocks of empty relationships and disappointing careers. but what i know is in this case half a loaf is no loaf at all. there has to be a sundering of the ties to the world unwanted. somehow the unworkable pieces have to be shaken off before you can truly move into the space of light and love that only i can see. those that i have brought this far need to find their own path and forgive me for not having done this when they were younger and stronger. but now is the time and i must no longer stay or i too will lose all sense of who i am and what my true purpose is.
a weekend with the pater familius and family was a descent into the attachments and dependencies of the human nature. all things evolve from the desire functions, plenty of human love and interest but a real low level of purpose or clarity and every thing clings to what is what they see in this physical world and nothing can shift. all hooks and cords and grasping onto each other as the waters of the world rise and fall unceasing.shadow worlds too, quasi energetic layers of misdirected and maniacal visions upsetting all and leaving a wake of turmoil and unreason. there is no peace there and never will be. the wolf is loose among the chickens and the eggs are stolen as the hens cackle and preen. all is death and decay where the light cannot shine. as i left the memories filled me and the turmoil roiled in me and i could not feel the peace i came with. i resolved to remain apart, to find just my path, only my truth, the truth of i.
to be with love and truth and meaning is all and in this desire world there is none, only the self exists and all else is the fruit of the desire being. where one thing is unevolved all things wait. the want for sense satisfaction is the creation of everything. where is love but in the hand of the creator, the very crux of being and we the left overs of the universe are left seeking that which we cannot find but only be the expression of.

what is beautiful

there is little else for me than the work the aspiration the time spent in between, my man made duties that i must fulfill for a time going forward.all else is fallen away. i have such little selfish time left, a few minutes of reading undivine book with my coffee. that will soon be gone. I still surrender that which is not divine to her only and all is for her and she is helping me to see what i am and what i truly am. this morning in my meditation i lit the candle of my kundalini and set it before the altar of the mother and felt her come to me in energy divine and her fingertip touched my forehead lightly and all ecstacy and pain blossomed in my soul and i am wrung like a towel filled with the water of the divine drunken by the thirsty soul lost from the desert of the empty heart. what is true is what she gives me. i surrender all understanding and knowledge and trust in the inspiration she would send me. the MAHALAKSHMI is my center my heart my connection to all that mother would bring. i surrender forever and evermore to that being of perfect grace and balance to align me with that which is truth and love.

fear nothing

today i am trying to hold onto this lightness
this divine grace i am given
i tremble with the strength of light
i do fear the darkness i am in
i am trying to be brave
but i want to cry
i am a child here
of the mother
this world is the dwelling of the darkness
and i am just realizing how frightened i am
for now i know what is given and what can be lost
and i am in the very black heart of the dark forces
suddenly realizing i have crossed the line
i was under cover but now am exposed to the light
and all can see
i am a child of the light
not a slave of the dark
i hold tight to her and fear nothing
when i am in her arms there is nothing but love
and that i know we share

monday sadhana

the day is started with a ringing in the head a distance from the connection to this world, a shortening of the travel time to the energetic unseen landscape resting just behind. the pressure on the head in the 7th is continuous not invasive but present. there is an unrelenting awareness of the other the unseen the determining energies of the moment that linger behind every manifesting entity in the physical. where i feel disconnected from this level of reality so do i also feel some undefined quantity of connection to another, some where i am whole and in the moment but this awareness is not there nor am i here.tea is called for and brought not by the unseen minions of my domain but by the selecting of my tea bag and the pouring of hot water in a cup cleaned by a paper towel manipulated by these hands. there is no magic but what i am and no psychic force manifesting my unspoken whims. the world shifts as it will and i feel it like a sail in the wind, pulling the sculling hull of my being into alignment or cutting across its wake in a race for some momentary advantage in the positioning of my being with the movement of the planet. where it takes me i have surrendered, the path is no longer mapped or even distinguished by a marker, the bucket of my dreams is of an emptiness that pulls the being from this existence like a suctioning pump seeks its return to equilibration. i feel the wafer thin reality cracking under my weight as i strive to lose more and be less even as life demands i pay attention and hold tight to what it wants me to have. i loose my grip and the draining force of the SAT removes even the blood from my veins and the flesh from my bones. i am truly become the very stick man headpiece filled with straw even as i experience unequalled states of expansion and energies flowering and possessing me like sunshine holds the world in its thrall.even the slightest cloud bisecting me from my experiences makes my heart shiver with the passing gloom and shadow. then all is forgiven, the pain removed with the pleasure, the truth realized as the untruth manifest and returned, where nothing prevails over what cannot be realized, and life is a prevarication of the damned. what madness this the left over remains of a night in unbeing, the soul cast forth as a life preserver to the emptiness and unwanted remembrances of the last and previous times we sailed this sea alone and dismembered from this time.
the light is slight and whispering, the dance of the candle flickers behind the closed shell of the optic nerve, its signal a secret language of the instant translated and unidentified by the mind only translated directly to the limbic cortex, the milk of meaning is saturating the cells and all miracles are lost on the unaware, sinking in the pot of mentalized fabrications. only broken fragments return through the uneven pulsing of the aura and being connected to a mental state that slips unseen behind the current reality and breaks the pane of the inner glass. one moment is all and it shatters the reality of everything as time evaporates into the place that has no dimension or sound, i smell sweet liquor and taste the pungent ashes of its remains, only the heart continues the sound internal as a rapid pulse in the gut beats against the throat and the anxious nervousness flutters in the pit of realizing there is something here, something in this moment that has come for me and wont leave now that i have called it and in my unawareness i am not ready. slipping from consciousness the tastes become images like intense red and yellow phosphorescent designs and intricate figures that expand from a field of floating energies. the screen dissolves to grey and tan checkerboards and then a sea of black filled with emerging white bytes of awareness emerging from the still surface like pudding rising from the pan as the skin of the milk hardens. i am sucked under and there is only my voice talking directing me to the waters deepening and turning blue and green in the wash of the pulsing red glow. the netting is strung everywhere, the layers and layers of worlds buried and covered for eons by unknown relations of being beyond knowing fishing for the souls that try to return, through unending darkness the colors change burnishing the gloom and fading like some distant neon reminder of a time you once remembered but no longer can recall.

non-experiential awareness and the source of spiritual experiences

In the state of non experiential awareness experience becomes subordinate to the awareness of divine. experience becomes the infusion of divine awareness into the individual and thus is a transitory process. As the awareness expands beyond the individual through the membrane of the universal, there is the experience and in that process the awareness and the experience are united. As the awareness passes through the experiential barrier of the universal the individual has the experiences that are so closely related to the spiritual journey, the descending energies, the visions and realizations. as the awareness exits into the universal, the pressure is removed and the experiences fall away. it appears at first that they have stopped but in truth the individual has sufficiently expanded that the experiences no longer create the pressure that was associated. The rupture of the membrane has ended and the pressure is gone.the expanded state emerges into a new plane where untold amounts of expansion can occur without restriction. thus the experiences are no longer felt.
There is another level of spiritual experience which is related to the individual connecting to their own infinite divine self in their final realized state while still in the space and time limited form. this creates pressure from the connection as the infinite self enters the individual. here the individual is actually reaching beyond this plane of existence and experiencing their own future infinite state and have the experiences that the infinite being entering the restricted consciousness creates. here the individual is assured that they are in fact to eventually be connected permanently to their divine self.
in the individual awareness the human consciousness is identified with the experience and feels it as their awareness having the experience. everything else is subordinate to the experience. it is only when the individual awareness crosses the plane of experience that there is an end to identification with the experience. The experience serves as a marker that this part of the journey has begun, however once the individual awareness merges with the infinite the attachment to the experience ends. the state of non experiential awareness takes hold and the state becomes unattached to the sensory and experiential nature of the beings consciousness and instead connects to the infinite awareness that has no connection to any individual state.

healed spirit

Last night my being shifted into my awareness. I realized as soon as i stepped into my meditation that something was changed. I felt untouched by any reality but the one i was sitting in. there was nothing else. no requirements, no attachments, no thing to do or check or think about. I was free of time as we use it, as a nagging reminder of all of our dependencies and desires. instead i was in the moment, untouched, free to be in the moment without distraction or worry. i realized that i could sit in this state for an unlimited period. days weeks months, there was only this with no expectations of what should be or could be, just this. I had no desire for experience or change. i saw only the blank undefined shapes of formless sitting. i felt no energies. i was adrift in the eternal moment. after a while i have no idea there was the energy in my fourth beginning to throb, a pleasant feeling like a pulse but faster larger. i soon felt the cool agni of the kundalini drifting up my being, actual energetic flames appeared before me and within me. the energy soon began its rhythmic climb and began to run generously through my crown from my root chakra. i began to feel the dull throb of pain the familiar pain in my left shoulder soon spreading through my upper arm. intense black squeezed the arm rendering it useless and cold yet burning. I felt to experience this fully. I focused on the area and went into the darkness, it began to swell and like a blood pressure cuff increased the pressure. the pain became white hot and bursting. i grabbed the energetic tissue and pulled it away from the arm, releasing burst of white pain filled with black energy. i began unwrapping huge bands from around the shoulder and arm. as the pressure there was diminished it increased down my arm through the wrist and hand. I felt my hand become like a monkeys paw, shriveled and lifeless.I realized that beneath the bands of pain there was a heavy wrapping, i began to unwind the wrapping and felt the hand of the embalmer and high priest upon me. i was not dead but unable to move as the wrappings were tightened harder and harder around my arm. i was being mummified in preparation for entombment. the arm was throbbing with the intensity of the death that would slowly follow as all light and air was closed off. I continued unwinding what seemed like miles of wrappings from the arm and hand and felt circulation tingling in areas that had not been alive for centuries. through out my life i always wondered why my left hand and arm were weaker than my right, less coordinated when practicing my drumming for years. Now it became obvious. I began at the top of my head and unwound the enshrouding wrappings for an hour i unwrapped and released the fear and pain of the slow death that was forever imprinted in me. i felt new life in all parts of me from toes to forehead expansion breathing of the skin and cells, freedom i had not experienced before. as the weight and pressure left me i seemed to float and all the pain in my arm and shoulder was gone. iwas able to sit and the energy flowing and feel weightless in all my extremities. i experienced every cell of my body as free and sat noticing a slight pain in my right knee. the one that years ago i had torn the ACL while hiking in Hawaii. I energetically removed the kneecap and began running cleansing energies through the knee, removing the cords left by the doctor and the injuries and the entities that were present at the time and filling it all with divine light. i flooded the leg with healing energies and with perfect divine light and love. all pain evaporated and i began the work of the Ho'oponopono removing all blocks, attachments, fears, transgressions, wrongs and distressed feelings toward everyone in my lifes experience. My family, my families families all relatives all persons i have ever had relationships with, all people i have worked with, all fellow travelers on the spiritual path, all beings i went to school with, every place i have lived and worked or could remember, every plant in my yards, every molecule i had come in contact with throughout this life and all live and all peoples and all ancestors. deeply, humbly, i cleaned and cleaned until the very obscurities of the divine were released and i set forth unchecked into the heart of the divine, in hallowed m,mountains and cliffs carved in the likenesses of a thousand deities through deep caves of unending storage of every experience of all my lives and then the river of these experiences that i directed before me into the sands of oblivion and down the grounding tube to the center of the earth and the huge brown river of my being s lives all swept down the canyon filled with the acceptance forgiveness love and gratitude of my being.all was being removed by the power of hte divine now fully united with me, the family of one, the divine the father the mother the child as one, all in me all in perfect unity and harmony. i felt the very perfect perfection of my existence and manifestation and slipped ecstatic into pure awareness, all thought done and gone all existence in every atom and filling the entire cosmos universal and individually experiencing everything without separation or end. this life and all lives completed and now free. time endless and invisible emptied into the moment unending. such lightness and fulfillment i have never experienced, truly this is the transformation, i could exist forever in this freedom. sitting was unbelievable joy, the experience of nothing filled me. the cup full of empty, the empty cup, no cup, emptiness, complete emptiness, complete undoing, letting go, gone. as the end became the beginning i was surrounded in the light of full darkness uncovered, eternal and the light filling every emptiness with brilliant fulfillment the awareness of its emptiness saturated every separated atom of my existence. fluid as pure as outer space surrounded me in a cocoon of being and i breathed the air of love and expanded beyond knowing.
somewhere the body returned and the awareness opened to the flat stillness of life untouched, still as glaciers frozen on mountain tops. i entered the system as the child reborn and in awe and wonder of this miracle, the walls of the senses surrounding me with pure delight, the sheer pleasure of knowing, a thought as thick as wheat grass fields flowing with honey smothered me. the air light as angels wings caressed me, the brilliance of sight turned me upside down and revealed my bound desire to experience as real this moment in this form in this place this time of all time and i am returned a new man and yet so very loved as only the most ancient of souls alive can be. i sit for ever until a wish to experience movement connects me to this planet and i arise and wander through my life fresh, the world i have, the little things i do the people i am with and i connect to them all and touch each energy as a part of me. i am in love. i return to sitting aware that in a couple of hours i will have the next experience of my life as service as responsibility without attachment now to the work to the world where i live to create my reality in physical meaning, the energies of work and reward, places that dwell deeply in the wounds recently healed in my heart.