spend love

when ending your world, notice how the little things become so important. the small conversations, peoples comments, childrens love, although thats far from being small. i'm enlightened by their love everyones love. by myself, i am what i am, it is through my service to others that i experience meaning or purpose. left alone, i am that and have nothing else to do. its in the realization of anothers divinity i become activated, purposful. small things, small moments, uniquely mine shared remembered bring the light shining, the love pouring and nothing i do is even realized just performed in service and surrender. i become that without hesitation, the earth is moved spadeful by spadeful each a small portion of the ananda and joy i contain, each the movement of my being to its truest expression. love of my simran, the love of my brothers for which i feel perfect union, in whom i see only the light and beyond. patience is unknown only the doing of each small task, necessary action, to bring my soul forward in theirs. that is the pathless path, the gateless gate, the doing that yeilds no action. in each moment i live unknowing who this is but being only that motion, the drift and swell of every planetary force, each infinite feeling, unknown but to that which i am become.

kill the guru

not a moment goes by when i dont suffer, i find a way to extract pain from everything. its my nature to want some kind of punishment and to blame. where does this come from, where am i so twisted inside that i cant believe in the mother or the divine enough to cast everything to them and be done with it. i cant do this, it doesnt work this way. the love is not in me
it flows from the universal. i must be in connection with that to have it flow. i am empty, unplugged, released from life from home from love. i am the emptiness. two months ago all love ended. i feel no love in me, when i am around others its empty. i have never felt this before, i struggle with it. you cant force love, pretend love, make love respond. all i can do is wait and look at the way i react, i get angry easily. i am unloved and angry about that, from the bottom of my heart angry.this is my reward after years of work and loving all i can, its taken from me, so i have nothing to support me. i am heading for the bottom of my self.
i am sitting here planning the end of my life, taking apart job and home and family and there is nothing to take its place. i am sure i am insane. i have too many gurus too many enlightened beings around me, the freaking woodwork is full of them and each, surprisingly, has there own opinion, or should i say, truth, about me and what i need to do. its making me crazy. i am dying and they are arguing over the remains.in the philosophy it says kill the guru, i think i might need to kill more than one.

saturday wanders

the day at 5:30, chilly and sitting in a blanket in the dome for morning meditation. the four of us go under and i stay submerge for almost 80 minutes. coming up only to reconnect here and now. i simply arrive, no broken sequences. after a usual breakfast without peanut butter darn, we set out on a hike in the hills under hot sun but still cool air. we wander over steep terrain for 2 and a half hours covering 6 or seven miles. i feel worn out but happy.lunch is bread and cheese ad then work all afternoon finishing the two bed dormer in the loft. i make a quick run to the grocery to get a few snacks and veggies and hurry back in time to go to see super 8. the usual theatrics ensue and we are all pleased by the time the ending credits role. night is corn and artichokes and asparagus with sourdough bread. yum, then a house fire a mile away lights up the night sky and we walk two miles to watch the firemen clean up the mess. its a warm night and soft and the quiet is filled with crickets.

pre holiday living

drove this morning early to the washoe valley house of my brother the enlightened being to see my other brother, the enlightened being also just fresh from india and the mountain. 5am start time ,7 hours in the pre holiday traffic up the 99 to the 80 and down the 395 to arrive at noon at the little house that backs up to the BLM land. the air is clear the eastern sierras across the lake and valley still covered in snow. its beautiful. i hug george, down to a trim 180 and siddhartha also at 180 and i a paltry 175 we are all in our high school trim. george is clear eyed and clear minded, still the joker but only joking. i help siddhartha with a quick panelling of his loft for the privacy of the 2 women coming tomorrow and he is quick and busy with the power tools. we run to costco and best buy and radio shack to get mattresses sheets and bed frames and i run around getting george new headphones and wires and movies as well as vegetables cheese and bread for dinner.we stop at starbucks on the way back and siddhartha discusses my state and future with me. its definitely time to make the cut, stop the madness or start the insanity depending on how you look at it. i am clear as he is that the time is now, pull the plug on the world.the organization can support me. i can sell the house and cars and say bye to the family and job and take over the open position as resident dharma bum, most recently occupied by george, now promoted to second resident enlightened bum. things are looking up for unemployment. We quickly drive to the house and finish the panelling before its time for evening meditation, 90 minutes of no-self under the 16 foot dome. the 9pm i finally make dinner for george and me. artichokes asparagus, everything seeded french bread and bi color corn. i make a quick mustard and oil seasoned dip and everything is delicious. the day is done and i take my evening shower, move into the tiny trailer in the side yard and sit to catch up on myself, suddenly untired and happy. life is good in loving doses...

self perpetuation

sickness betokens gladness for its overwhelming bar elicits our unknown truth to expand beyond whatever limits the form can create, becoming indifferent to that impediment, going beyond the extant physical reality to be that which is not limited. the pain is lost in the joy, the truth present in the act of being free. in body and mind we are the lower realms inhabitant, in spirit, we pierce the veil and see the light beyond imagining, luminenece without peer in the sun or the moon, such sacred splendor, we are taken by its luster and imaginings that have no meanings only wonder. starry nights and starry eyes combine and beyond universes coalesce to touch the shining divine we are beyond knowing. inside our confines, we fear the open night, wonder in a paralysis of fear, the creator of such might and beauty that we are such a tiny part of. is there any who has not wondered why or how, yet that is just a drop of water to the ocean of truth unknown. be not dismayed at no beginning and endless life, for what is death but the clock reset and the game begun once more. the play is the thing and the score is forever nothing yet what diamonds we behold in the emptiness of time. inside the clock is ticking, beating like a driven heart to push you into fear, that time is the destroyer and man the sickened prey, stumbling through lifes infirmities, a burning pyre floating or pine box lowered into clay. this morning, this very day, is reason enough to stop the turning hands and bench the teams desires, let winning end and losing become the master for what is lost is the self's perpetuation and the opening to the truth of nothing and all that allows.

indifference

i jerk suddenly in my meditation, the sideways movement of my arm stirring me. I have no idea where or when i am and no sense of who is thinking these thoughts. just the blackness then awareness, light motion. what is it, i dont know. it could be morning or evening. Am i late for work, is it time for dinner. there is only confusion, how can i not know, and who is it that cant get the simplest things right.i am slowly becoming oriented, the room in semi light/darkness candle forever burning, gives no hint of the outside world. i fall forward and twist the small clock to face me, 8pm its night, i dont have to go anywhere, thankfully, i drop to the floor, sensing the panic that had risen in me. not knowing, wondering if i would ever know, the who am i was the darkest, there was no one to know, no one to figure out or be in charge of the organization of facts and sensations to detail the whereabouts of this entity in the flesh. the merest stoppage of the internal workings of orientation to this plane of existence was on one level terrifying, on another, liberating, on another, indifferent. the one having the experiences was the sleeping conscious, invisibly, the being has no sense of differentiation. all just exists regardless, nothing is questioned or accepted, indifference is the nature of truth.

dancing light

i sit in meditation in the dark, the sun set in this very long days evening begun,just arisen from a sleep induced coma of the body from hours of walking in the hot sun at high altitude. living in my van, using the center for its electricity and divine energies. i sit before mothers altar, in the very heart of the center, its beating shakti being, i have been gone for a long while, weeks, and this is loves home, loves deal, i am the truth seeker questioning my motives here, but respectful, prostrating before her, surrendering my self inquiry to her divine love, i sit against the thick wooden wall and bow my head in empty mindfulness. her force is immediate and without reservation, she has been waiting for me and with a loving vengeance comes forth.not since Pondicherry at her ashram, at the mahasamadhi have i felt this power so fully. i am rocked to my core in this energy, the waves of unending transformative love crush my ego and collapse any thought into the elements that once coalesced around me and gave them cohesion. all is the unwrapping and unburdening, like a dinner of many elements on the chopping block, my self is undone, then thrown to the highest regions and fed into the cosmic furnace. i feel giant boxes and containers all white being flushed from my deepest regions like airtight containers popping to the surface of the water then flying high into the sky gone from me, then its as if i am turning inside out from my first chakra upward a constant flow of erupting energies bursting any structures remaining, the buildings i had inhabited were gone in this tsunami of complete churning turning roiling unending. I felt skewered on the energy and twisted round and round from the inside out completely exposing every inner part and stretching the strips of my skin for further and further through the psychic space. I feel sick and giant gas and belching fly from my physical. i am drenched in cold fever.i see the truth of me the protoplasm wrapped around a breathing tube, clinging to lifes meanest existence with tenacious desire, ugly and twisted around the tube sucking air. and in this bent and deformed creature comes the light the fulfilling divinity the force of being so powerful and overwhelming i am unable to breathe but through the divine, all force all impetus all being living in light and majesty all truth pushing into wondrous existence in this loving supreme power. deep in me i feel the upwelling of the waters of being the underground reservoir of being flowing up through me like a river of delight an ocean spreading from my center filling ever thing surrounding and permeating all existence. and this is life, the manifesting being the unending truth the enlightened self, seeing this play of the dance of pure light in matter. all is gone all is done this life no more is empty only the divine sings this heart this soul this one life true and sincere all love in all things , all life filled with the divine light dancing.