loves inspiration

me and the rest of us

seems i cant digress too much, my last posts seem a bit self indulgent as does everything i write because after all its all me all the time
when i look back though there are a few that ring with some clarity and truth
not many but a few
and those are buried away nicely so as not to mess up the average for everyone
i am getting a bit antsy about the upcoming retreat, even rehearsing little things about how to talk my way out of it.
seems a bit much now to take on such a drastic change
i am not the poster boy for change
i like my change small and undisturbing
kind of like my life
never try to mess things up stay on track make ends meet
i wonder how thats working out for me
maybe i just dont see what is going on
i havent tried anything new in my life for a few years
the age is not the deal though the repetition is
when i look at what ive done and how many times i've done it
its overwhelming
woken up 21721 times
gone to sleep probably close to the same number
slept probably 130000 hours
out of about 517000 hours i have been alive
slept like 25% of my life, in dreams
drinking since i was 33
so about 57000 beers
and now i think im going to stop for a week
the numbers dont look good for it working
i have been on my spiritual work since i was 47
thats 12 years
probably 5000 hours of meditation and classes and visiting saints and gurus and such
and yet i feel so amazingly connected to that
and i have been with my spiritual love since 2001
counting the time she was gone of course since we never were apart
so i have spent probably 6000 hours with her
and work well 100000 hours over the last 30 years
so about 25% of my life working though it feels like more
25% sleeping probably less than i needed
1% in spiritual practice amazingly small amount but with huge effect
and then lets see
about 3% of my time drinking also with a huge effect
spent about 3% with my spiritual love also with incredible effect
leaving 43% of my time unaccounted for
what the hell was i doing?
reading, watching tv, shopping, vacationing, between jobs, jogging
seems way too boring i never really thought i was that boring but who knows
and of course, writing
but thats probably in the 1% to 2% range

lets see what ive done
lived at - richmond 16 years
Isla Vista 3 years
Palo Alto 10 months
Sonoma county Guerneville 1 year
ranch 3 years
Oregon Applegate 1 year
Washington Burien and Renton 2 years
Hawaii Honolulu Kaimuki 3 years
San Diego 21 years

Jobs Paper boy 3 years 10 to 13
River Theatre 13 to 17 - 4 years candy counter projectionist clean up
Dishwasher Timbers Restaurant Goleta 6 months
Rose Cutter Santa Barbara 1 month
Cannery 4 years seasonal press clean up truck fork lift
Construction 4 years off and on drywall decks fences crew chief
Sweetland Hydraulics and Pneumatics 1 year shipping and receiving 1979
Smith Dairies Milkman retail and commercial 1 year 1978
Baker - Sunrise baking co 1 year 1981
Good Earth Restaurant 6 months 1982
Santa Rosa school district 6 months 1985
Sales ICs and Transistors 1 year 1983 -84
Wine grape Inspection 4 years seasonal 1985 1989
Avocado Inspection 10 years 1988 - 1998
Unix Programmer 1 year 1987
VB Programmer - MBI 1 year 1998-99
Sierra Scientific 2 years 1999-2000
INC 6 months 2000
Baxter Healthcare systems admin - 5 years 2000 - 2005
Allergan 4 years IS Liason - 2005 - 2010

47 years working, out of 59 years
maybe the percentage is a little higher than i figured

Spiritual stuff ive done
Yoga 4 years in college then off and on for 20 years
Transcendental Meditation from 18 to 25 7 years
Ammachi - 1 year as a devotee
Shrima - 4 visits - lovely
Sri Atamanada - 1 year Gita Course - Advanced - many visits to LA and Silver City
3 meditation step courses Psychic Horizons 21 weeks
series of readings from David the psychic amazing
13 months Clairvoyant Training Clearsight Santa Monica Judy and Levenah truly transformational

Then met my spiritual love in the throes of her kundalini awakening 9 years
and daily meditations except for 2 years where everything stopped working
life went downhill
diagnosed with what has come to send me to the divine

now what more stuff more spiritual wandering
resorting to find meaning where i have already been
looking for gold in a silver mine
I became fully awakened as a child, took psychedelics unrelenting as a teenager and young adult, cracked wide the psychic but no way to manage it just powerful experiences that destroyed any belief in reality as the only alternative

the spiritual stuff was just to recover from the drugs until i got serious in my 40's
then it opened up a means of understanding what i had been experiencing all my life
extreme sensitivity visions and knowing knowing knowing
and hiding hiding hiding
from myself and from the world of judgements
from competition and buried myself in work

loves - patty from the theatre
Joby high school
sweetsixteen love weekend festival on Mt Tamalpais
girl in the downstairs unit
georgia on the green river

not a long list for i was never much of a ladies man but i did love them all
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