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Sunday, May 22, 2011

eye offends

it may gray here, the 6am sky fogged in. the thought of mountain sky lost in the impenetrable dimness. san diego coastal life, i always thought of this as inland but no more, i now feel like i am just off the sand, the coastal influence is so immense. after weeks in the mountains a hundred and fifty miles inland, views to the ends of the world, this 15 miles inland is a dune on the beach by comparison. i tried to get an offer on the house yesterday but all for naught. the most amazing place, 6 bedrooms( or seven) there is some dispute, all fresh paint, carpet, granite counters etc, beautiful views, but the weekend is no longer mortgage application times. all the dealers are worried about life work ratio's and the soap box derby is going on, so i send out my tax returns and no one replies.but its a nice fantasy to go back and say we got it, the new house, the castle in cuddy valley,but it seems its just that, dreams like the fog, obscuring what is really there, my own suffering. its what money is really about, pain, if you have enough, you can distract yourself from feeling it, if you dont then you have to find some other way.i've been focused on the process in me for some time now, feeling the intensity of the emptiness, the things that come into being there my own resistance and my reactions. there isnt anything else.i felt it was going to push me into despair, as it will and too far in to recover, so i thought to take a couple of days off, ha ha least get away from my nuclear reactor, the source of my reactions, get away from her and the world she inhabits while this one still exists in my nightmares, that one was occupying my waking dreams, and the pain was feeling like a lead blanket, a numbing where i should be feeling joy.overload, surrender has stopped in me, the truth is i am still separate from it all, there is no cohesion in me to whatever she is doing. so i tried to keep it together but im just unable to work though her emptiness and reserve. where i used to experience love, now its a wall, a separation from the world, the union is more like a string tied round me, without a connection, its impossible to breathe. so down to a more workable altitude, in my family home, with the human drama, the moving rooms and preparing for my nieces coming, wild child come to escape, run away, who knows, sounds like she is in my situation, just filled with more pain and fewer options. my eye is bleeding tears and the sharp soreness continues, i thought that was from the dry air up there but now i think its that if mine eye offends me......

Sunday, May 15, 2011


the burning man the effigy of life and its reward, the flame of consumption, we all live and we all die, but how many hasten that in this life, to die first to this world while still in its thrall.i see there fore i love, i feel therefore i love, now that becomes a death in me to the thinking to the feeling and to hope. what is left but the pain of sickness and the defeat
the failure of what i am to make any sense of what is going on. i talk to my brother in India, i sense the intensity of the agony, the searing loneliness the months of marching without end through the jungle not in body though that too but in the souls last miles through emptiness filled with murders and mayhem in the heart.
these words dont come easy or cheap, i feel left out and alone, i want to go home and feel loved but where is that and what is it i think would change. here everything is changed, the center is missing, the religion of me is ending and im not happy. in fact i feel the nausea of eating what i cant digest, taking food at the trough of emptiness is a poor substitute for what i once thought life was, this trial or this test or this ungodly way of living is dense and indigestible, the regions i inhabit are becoming tangibly diseased and cold, the chill permeating the frosted nostrils and the dying organs, the jackets and sweaters holding the temperature lower and lower.
i sit and energy does not fill me or feed me but it runs like the current of the unliving and burns my tongue for speaking. where is there a time for love, i dont know if its in me anymore, the walls too close, the door to far the tension and manner of life is stuck in ritualism and kabuki affronts. how dare i tread this pallet of expression and seek the damnation of my own self, what kingdom have i treasoned without care for my souls redemption?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

centering times

second week at the center. there is the pressure of the energy, condensing, literally pressing down every time i sit, every time i stop and go within, it is present and powerful. the air is sharp with its presence and i hear a high vibrational whine at the edge of my hearing always. the altitude has some effect but its faded into the background as well. my daily walks sometimes start at 7000 ft now as the road to the summit has been reopened. the Chumash burial grounds disappear into the pine forest and the giant soldiers of the mountains reach to the earth from atop towering massive trunks of prehistoric bark. the reds and browns are like a carpet underneath the open spaces of the forest cover. hundreds of pine cones robbed of their seeds sit open across the rolling ridges of the mountain top. i talk in the mornings with my friend and we laugh and enjoy the intimate morning time. there is a pleasure in sharing that helps the day come easily and we are like lovers without bodies or children without parents. i wash the cup and coffee maker and listen to the jays chase each other around the feeding area beside the porch. what is love but being, there is no difference, to be is to love, how can you separate the two? the ananda has been constant, my self formed now to the point of an arrow let loose at the sun, unsure if the arc of my flight will fall near or far of the mark, but all i see is light and the wind is just the skin peeling from my face to hurry my ascent. love is my heart touching the end even as i begin, i know i am there,already done, the flames consuming everything. i feel a passion for the meditation, as it evolves through me, the silence the stillness almost like a lead sheet cast over me, then the expansion of the awareness and the filling of the body with the force, the widening and strengthening of the channels. i glide and all things are there flowing through me, i remain unmoving yet everywhere at once. the light descends the arms and legs disappear, one leg gone hands no longer touching but where are they. the body dissipates like the morning fog and there is only open light and space and i am that feeling of never ending expanding emptying unburdened yet full of the force, there is nothing to do, no where to go, no one to be, i am free.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

places you inhabit

the times when the rock is your pillow and the weight of the world your blanket, the stars come out and laugh their merry way across the sky and you cannot budge from your earthly prison. all things end up in the lowest place you inhabit, the bottom of your dwelling consciousness, there the least of us takes root and stubbornly refuses to let go, we feel stuck to this place this muddy hole filled with our failures, even our successes are beneath us now. there is only the grace that can extricate our thinking, our feeling our aspiration from the habit of this place we find ourselves in again. why am i here, after all i have been through and all the heights i have scaled. is there no end to this? its never ending, and every low is the next high and every contraction just builds our strength for the next expansion. its like exercise, you need it to feel better but sometimes it doesn't feel good to be trudging that extra mile or getting up early or setting out after a hard day, but when its over, the body feels wonderful, the endorphins come and the reward is there. so remember the next time you're down, and stuck and upset, this is just the beginning of the workout, the most contracted moment, don't dwell on it, move on go to the next level and feel the freedom of the energy you can bring to your life.
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