loves inspiration

retreat from Galilee

Sitting 4-8-10
went to sleep at midnight
woke 4:26 am
went to get tea
ants everywhere in the lodge
honey and dirty cups
rinsed everything
had instant decaf - ants in the hot water
ants in the bottom of the cup
Rang bell at 5:30
rang again at 5:55

felt myself going out
seeing many small vignettes of activities
talking to people
imagined an emergency someone dying
had to cross my leg
felt like ants crawling on me
went into meditation about half the time
noticed ron had a watch
kathleen went down on the floor
eric had headphones silencers
gail was very cold
i had a cramp in my neck

when over I was very hungry
wrote then slept one hour

without talking
I still think words
amd my mind misses hearing words
the addiction of words
the mind races on to create them
even when they are not wanted or needed
and to write them this way
is so slow and almost painful to my hand
which has not written by hand for years
yet that was how i used to write
words and sentences and and paragraphs
all collections of pages and pages
books of writing - now gone
my very self now lost and forgotten
except by my hands

the pen makes the difference
this one glides to my thoughts
awake or asleep
is my tamas on the rise?
i do not feel the void
only tired
i guess i am getting old
the drive the hiking the eating
yesterday was fun talking to everyone
everyone has great expectations
except terry though i could see
in his eyes the light the hope
that something wonderful would come of this
but not allowing that hope
each one a study in parallel and difference
we see and we find what we seek
for we name it and it is made true
the real far outweighs the unreal
we bring to this moment everything we have
and is it real? or are we not true
the truth never changes so the real must
one true being supports the plane for the rest
and each one supports the real of their existence
for we make real that which we are
regardless of the truth

and into my words i go
even in the silence i am sent to describe
the unspoken words
perhaps this is not what i am sent to do
perhaps it is the not words the not writing
that is my reason to be
for every riddle is a new reason to
make words
and each is a list of my self thinking
not the SAT coming through

11:00 sitting

only 13. Kathleen who collapsed in the
morning sitting is not there
I am bundled warmly to avoid the cold
used a cushion as my butt is sore
deep and long totally under
stomach making noises when i return
like a button in my imagination i can
push to bring down the energy
or a selection of choices that start a
scenario of interacting with someone
and then the energy descends and i go
no pain this time but the strange stomach noises
siddartha announces the third sitting today
4:30 - 6:30 - unexpected and says
kathleen and gail are optional
I am to ring the bell at 4:25


lunch was some vegetable turnovers that
were delicious

and i would ask what is the point
i feel the same. a few minutes of grace
and then i am who i am again and again
I feel no pull to my habits
i realized i only today had a short thought
about work and no others
or home or kids or anything
the one thing that is hard is being here
with what are very beautiful and interesting
people but no interaction
today people look different
maybe its the no interaction
but people seem irritated
but then we arent supposed to talk
so nothing to say

special sitting 4:30 - 6:30
everyone showed up
warm afternoon Sun coming in the window
short meditation
no words in brain
finally ran energy for last half hour
felt good better than sitting doing nothing
where is this SAT everyone is talking about?

dinner veggies and rice with bread and salad
Chocolate Chip cookies yum

evening session
you can have the chit
give me the ananda
good speech brother
all those words
its funny how we use the mind
to defeat it
to point out the deficiencies of thought
but the chit and ananda
those i recognize
those i experience
been to the void a few times
been transformed
now its time again
the opening is coming
no sleep
dreams of psychic warriors
in battle for the prize
the soul of experience
the well of the being

no ants this morning
angelica in the nave
i can feel her soul
its time for love

Sitting friday 6:00am
From the minute i closed my eyes
SAT descended
Fully conscious open energy channels
Transparent awareness
chit filled every bit of me
I felt high vibration throughout
Huge pressure would come
chest neck arms
I expanded all my chakras and energy channels
over & over to allow the energy to run
my feet were nailed to the floor
perfect clarity of mind
pure energy channel
could feel every chakra crown was alive
psychic wide open
heart expanding and expanding
energy chakra opening wide
sex chakra expanding heat
root chakra open and full
thrummming energy throughout
short sharp breaths through the nose
body wuld jerk with the breathing at times
lasted 2 hours
then sat in the church feeeling the bliss
later tried to eat but felt ill
sat in room Ringing in the ears
moving very slowly

Siddhartha i have met your true self

in room i am like a new born child
vulnerable undone weak
i recline on my meditation mat
staring into the tangle of bunk beds
and green painted brick
until I hear the church bell ringing
i dont remember if i was supposed to
ring the bell for the second sitting
i wonder who is ringing

2nd sitting

energy like rain falling
pressure on the left side
clavicle left arm and side
waves of pressure
lighter than morning
constant tears next to me
i am breathing short and through the nose
greater pressure and pain than the morning
saw an apparition enter the nave
green jacket and black pants
walked to mary and brad and said
" do you know Castle Brown"
then he waited looked around and
then walked out through the side
where the organ is
he seemed outlined in energy and
appeared like an average sized man

ate light lunch

arrived in church 4:20
read pamphlet on the cremaboreum
in the church there are cremated remains
in boxes along the north side
one box with the name John Payton Browne
rang bell pulling the white rope sharply

3rd sitting
patchy energy system is overused
much pain in clavicle
energy moving can feel the vibration
the energy gets caught in the psychic chakra
i feel tremendous pain in clavicle
surrender to the sitting eyes deep
energy patterns filling my inner sight
2 hours seems like forever

full dinner still gaining my strength

Conversation talk evening
sid is talking i cannot hear the words
the sounds are filling my ears
but nothing goes through
something about paying attention to your
ohm full breath to bottom chakra
ohm out through the 7th

Saturday 5am

the nature of man is to accept what is
to accept anything else is unreasonable
the SAT is beyond reason
the experience of chit and ananda is reasonable
what is the connection?
where does the unknowable become
manifest into the experiential

i experience chit all the time often at work
in my satwa phase i am truly undone
in my rajas i work
in tamas i am undone also

so i am only able to function in rajas

i experienced my death and its surroundings
i saw a wild boar a small warthog with
a large mouth full of teeth and large tusks
a definite wild look in its eyes
it was devouring my life
i went to kill it stabbed it chopped it into pieces
it would not die
i awoke in despair my liver aching on the hard bed
i wondered how i would arrange my dying
this is the sum of my existence

Saturday sitting 6:00am
this time pouring with light
at first i immediately went under
and i remembered to wake up
and be present to be aware in the experience
and for a minute i struggled
as the chit poured down in waves
i opened my chakras and breath was short and sharp
i relaxed and tried the ohm breath
it calmed the energy or my resistance
the energy felt like a silver stream pouring through me
it stayed strong and again became forceful
i saw a ball of cosmic light in my 6th
and it descended to my 3rd
the 3rd just flowers out truly like a blossom
unending waves of light and chit flowing
and my 2nd began to open fully
i began to buck in my chair jerking
the breath hard and sharp
ohm breath and the energy waves
dissolved into points of light
i began to feel an incredible lightness
an opening from my lower chakras
the darkness resolved to a million tiny boxes
outlined in light each with a single point of light in the center
each an atom of energy

saturday 8:30
the lake with the sun just risen over the mountains
surrounded on the far shore by snowy mountains
clouds reaching over the tops
the water still and breathless
sand and rocks combine into amazing patterns
under the shallow waters
each glance a timeless masterpiece
and here i remember waking early on the
river and setting out with the mist still on the water
and the beaches still deserted
and before that a childs memory
of my brother and me playing in the
mudhole we made in the back yard
and then screaming laughing running
to all our friends houses on the street
and ringing doorbells covered head to toe
with beautiful wet mud
and the silence of the years goes by
left memories still cry
where children do or die
and never bring promises back

saturday 9:30
Memories of the chit descending

before India at westlake village
simi had an apartment with a beautiful meditation room
the walls and windows covered in white and
dyed cloths
pilllows lined the walls and a rug within the center
leading to the altar where always candles and incense
and in that room the force was always present
and descending
i would go in there to meditate and an hour or 2 later
i would crawl out inundated with the force
and she and i would share that every day and our love
became like no other and we were timeless and
perfected beyond understanding as we would
stand or sit together and the air became motionless
all thought done only love in divine exists
and there we are still
outside of time or place perfect lovers

with scot and george in george's meditation
room. we went in the afternoon and the force
immediately descended wave after wave but
so perfectly tuned to my vibration, no pain no
resistance. after scot and george left
i stayed watching the blossoming lotus in my 3rd chakra
for another hour

I am not haunted by my demons
but rather by the ordinary life
responsibilities Relationships
restrictions of the everyday kind
where searching for reasons
there are none
none that mean what people mean
when they ask why
there is only the feeling
a memory where i was before
that chases me
when morning comes i wake
expecting something new
but that is my mistake
left over from another birth
another life another
window to my soul

Saturday 11 sitting

Actually before sitting i did an energy run (check)
i cleared out all blocks and resistance to
the chit

the session began peacefully when i felt the
light touch my forehead - the energy felt
like smooth butter and i immediately went
unconscious. I sat in nothing and realized with
a snap that i needed to awaken myself
i struggled to consciousness and felt the waves
push me under again. I was drowning, i struggled
again and again each time gaining some ground
finally after about 10 attempts i began to breath
sharply, that brought me to awareness and
clear vision. I was surrounded by light pure
flowing light from the crown chakra, it changed
in hue from white to iridescent blue and yellow
in the light were symbols crosses and signs
they multiplied and then shimmered into light
i was completely in the flow and there was no pain
no resistance. it was smooth and strong but not
forceful not beyond my ability to channel.
this went on for an hour when i realized i didn't
have to breathe to stay alert. i settled into the
chit and then the ananda began like a fire warming
me in the cold light of the river of energy
I was surprised by the bell.

3rd sitting - Saturday

SAT was slow to come
chit was gentle - flirting with my 6th
coy waiting for me to open my 4th
i coaxed the chit to my heart and cleared
the connections to the lower chakras
the chit went to my 1st and there was pressure
the flow was steady for one hour
then the pressure on my first became intolerable
i felt stomach pressure on my 3rd also
distracted i looked into the light
and saw gold medallions falling like rain
my heart was exploding and the pressure below
I struggled with position and bending legs
until the bell rang

i later had to change my underwear
after rearranging all the flowers

Ron and Thea both gave me giant Hugs!

evening dissertation and conversation

Kathleen in ananda huge opening wild
beautiful glowing form

Identify what plane i am in
being authentic self

tempest elation denial oblivion
the passages are eternal
the way is long
how we get there
changes along the way
we exist in constant change
yet experience the unchangeable truth
we are one being
we are many experiences
we are many beings
we are one experience
lost we are found
found we forget who we are
who we are changes
who we are is unchanging
before we can know
we must be
we must end
and be done
before we can begin

there are being who have misused
their psychic gifts in past lives
who are prevented in this life
from using their gifts
this life is spent in fully realizing what they
need to do to not repeat their past behavior

in the night after, by candles light
the sweet love of Devotion is given
where saintly mantle doth descend
and sweet honey is brought to the soul
i am in that instant transported
both alive and beyond living
to the portal of being and the breath of god
for here the sky is blinding and no air exists
only the silence is gone leaving nothing
and no one to remember coming

patience overcomes frustration
waiting negates speed
compassion heals self inflicted wounds

what would I surrender - not my things or addictions
for they are meaningless

My Knowing Self for Faith

but how is it possible without Faith
to surrender that which has none?

Sitting Sunday morning
and in this mornings Experience
i sit in the nature of my true self
alert excited anticipating
as the energy descends I am gone
and cannot find my hands or body
for a few fleeting moments i am with the being
and then am returned to understand
it is not found but lost where we go
and through the glass of the experiential being
i am a slow learner as i surrender
and accept what shall always be
forever in devotion giving what is asked
leaving all else behind
for there is no game to play
or work to do
or thoughts to consider
when only what is exists
i have knelt at the altar
and given pure sacrifice for
this moment to be worthy to
divine and in all I am be
only that

and it not just the silence of the mind
to consider
but also the silence of the heart
for here is where joyful singing
and gratitude given
here the voice of the soul
is heard in tongues never learned
or forgotten
we sit silent but absorbed
apart yet together for the
being is never alone but
truly in divine communion
our daily bread and sweet love
eaten for all is forgiven those
who partake

sunday second sitting

and in the instant i am taken to oblivion
where nothing deep and wide exists
and in that instant i am forgotten
and a million years are gone
aware suddenly in nothing become
something and surely i am waking
from a lost dream in my own bed
and as i rise i fall sideways from
where i am sitting unaware of my
discomposure as i sit and lay down
at once as i realize i am in the
early afternoon sitting silent and
completely reassembled
and that was a minute of time and
i was destroyed and returned from
some unimaginable void with nothing
in between
even then as the energy filled me and
waxed and waned with my tamas
overwhelming and every second a minute
and every minute and hour and every hour
an eternity
yet i am fulfilled and patient
in mjy beings nearness knowing
this is all of my life the eternity
of the being in every moment i
and even as the bell rang i was
deep in the void of knowing

sunday night
the crying became fullness next to me
the light was cold from the storms coming
even my tamas became frozen as
the bell rung to start the sitting
i am caught by surprise and am
feeling the pressure immediately
i am floating with the sensation and
suddenly the light is lower and my
throat is dry and no water is at hand
i cough across my arm and feel the waves
of the dry tamas encircle me
i wait for the hour to complete
mot knowing when i began or ended
and in my stillness i just be
i have no sense of time and my hands
are in different places i see the
lights resolve into swirling seas of energy
the gong brings me back
the snow is begun in curling flights
everyone stands and witnesses

Monday morning sitting

for this morning the snow is on the ground
it is a winter paradise
all is white and winter cold

as i sit the SAT is come with tiny feet
slowly entering my empty mind
then with full strength
i completely absorb the smooth pressure
and go deep in my meditation
the two hours pass in simple time
unencumbered by concern or distraction
the soul and the SAT are one
the week of retreat has come to its
last sitting
and i am very simply made whole

sharing meeting monday 9am
we are all warriors of the silence
carried into battle with nothing but ourselves
we have each emerged victorious with each other
all have experienced ths SAT and are genuinely
made whole from our partnership and trust
Terry has broken through an the last day
and Gail the night before
Today Mary is in full Samadhi and sits
quiet unable to speak
Siddartha comes before us in wonder and
tears for his truth is evident
we have all found union with our
souls connection and each one has been
brought up to join all that have
come together

I reflect that i am changed too. My life
a series of desperate measures has been
undone and now less i am more and feel
i can never be the same

and the time has come to break into small groups and share
what has happened and what did we learn
and what are we going to do with it

I sit with lorett, brad, eric, and mary
I feel so blessed to be in the group with mary as she is in beautiful estrangement with her Samadhi her soul is etched deep into her divine features

first eric shares - he is come to his heart and
is made a lover from the fighter he has always

And brad is come to find that everything
he had experienced is much different
than he had expected

and now it is my turn
and in an instant the SAT is upon me
as i struggle with my first sentence
i am undone to my core tears
begin to flow and will not be stopped
everyone reaches to me and touches me
i am saying that my years
are coming to an end due to my health and
that my sweet brother has come to me
in his love to help me manifest divine before
i am through and my realization of his
tremendous love creates such ANANDA that
i am at once completed and overwhelmed.
I manage to say that in my years i had
found the source of devotion experienced my
own divine being been given the keys to the
kingdom experienced the greatest Love
of my life lost her found greater universal
love and been both uplifted and brought down.
i became a habitual man
a broken vessel and had lost my source
but now i had a new life again
i had found my loss came from too
much knowing, access to everything
i became static and unchanging and
realized that only through faith would
my final transformation come
i could barely hold my tears but felt i was

after the sharing Siddartha said
one last half hour sitting and then we
would be complete

as i closed my eyes and the bell was rung
i understood wholly and completely as i
felt the love of my brother and my
undying gratitude and the tears flowed
I looked deep into my feelings as the SAT
drenched me to my lowest chakras with
red fire and silver force
I was gone from my sitting and before me
was the akashic records turned open
to the page with my entry - the
one thing i was told to never
look at - but here it was not only offered
but i was powerless to the force directing
me to read

I read only one line and my tears
became the River of Love

For here was writ in letters TALL

Thomas Barbour - the Heart of the Soul

and i knew in that instant the meaning
of every moment of my existence
I would never have enough tears

and i felt my brothers hands upon me
as he touched my shoulders my head and
my arms total love and compassion

and the realization poured through me
that i could no longer be the man made
being i had become and i must manifest
my divine life and destiny - for i am the
Heart of the Soul. Mans love bringing
the divine to all - perhaps there are
others but never more than what is
needed for gods love is mans creation
and only mans love can manifest
and i gathered my few belongings
hugged and sweetly loved the cook laurie
and her divine blessings

and struck upon the path of the iron machines,
the alien cell phone device now alive and counting my
sins into the hundreds of e-mails

I was feeling very drunk and the
machine seemed large and foreign
the levers and pedals and giant wheel
were all unfamiliar. i went slowly
on the great road and the few
cars on the hiway sped past me
i saw the meter in front of me
reading 35 and realized i was
going too slow. yet it seemed a
whirlwind of speed. My heart was
bursting my head buzzing my stomach
full of love love love and the tears flowed
again even as i pressed on the accelerator

and the trip was begun hours across
the great eastern sierras in huge majesty
and expressing perfectly the glory in
my soul and the passion for being had
manifesting divine intention perfectly

the great signs warned that there
was ice and snow ahead chains
unfazed i drove on in perfect silence
and faith into the mountain passes
of 7 thousand and 8 thousand and higher

with not a car in sight and the
roads clear and the sky bright blue
and clouds forming in the peaks of the
mountains to the west

i was in perfect peacefulness - the cruise
control set to 65 and the road
empty of all traffic through the
mountains. and every moment a new
vista of such beauty and power i was
drenched in tears of gratitude and love
and on and on and on it continued until
at last i was past the mountains and
into the high desert so lonely and powerful
and i saw my love had left me a phone
message and heard her sweet voice
"Tom, sigh, i know the retreat ended. Where
are you?..." and my heart so full
filled even more and more as i dialed
her number but no reply and i in turn
left her my message " Sim I Love You!"
and as i turned on the road to the city of angels
a small cloud burst over me drenching me in its ananda
and setting next to me the most
glorious rainbow that followed me
for miles just beyond the edge of the road
and i was welcomed into paradise

and when i reach her simple apartment
with altar low and candles burning
and she is in my arms i am in my spiritual
home This is love - always fulfilled
and never ending, let the tears flow
with the feeling of bliss

and we are old souls in full surrender
and the tale of the retreat is long in
telling and by the end as my heart so
opened and tears flowing, i tell her
i realized that i have been so lost in
my man made self that i had left her and
i was afraid i had somehow missed the boat
and she holding my hands told me
"we are on the boat" and there is no born
child more happy to be in mothers arms

Sitting Monday evening

After dinner of thai food with sim and gurdas
she tells me all of her tales of her sweet life
while we have been apart. and she is
troubled and weary too of all her man made
interactions of mens jealousies and
short sighted emotions and women
made jealousies and short sighted emotions
and there are so many demands and
she is lost in her personal nature and
i look into her soul and see only
pure devotion and i touch her there
looking past the words
I say it is time for my meditation

The SAT is immediately there and i feel
my head covered in the thick honey of
chit and yearn for the deep waters of
ananda. but it does not flow to my
heart and i know i can still hear
all her words in my head and they
are preventing me from the divine
immersion. so i let each
one fly and see my downwelling force
as a mighty river rushing down the waterfall
of my chakras and suddenly i am drenched and
filled and i feel every chakra fill and
expand until thay are all flowing with divine love

and the power of all six chakras opening
and the 7th expanding and pouring
more ananda becomes a flood of surrender and devotion
and i thrum from base to crown and
my hands and feet chakras blossom and
vibrate and my breath becomes an
engine of divine and my whole body
rocks in rhythm with the vibration
and the breath and i feel waves of
force filling the room and my ears
are filled with sounds of bubbling
that matches the sound of my breath
and this continues until i stop and
let everything settle about 2 hours
and i feel the black wave of the SAT envelope
me and my head is in the SAT and my body
is in the being and i see through
the black - world upon world of wondrous beings
and creatures and designs of their existence like
MC Escher come to life
and every where are billions and billions
of interlocking dimensions coming together
and on and on and i hear the voice
the words from my own being that
every soul in every dimension
is yearning and living as i do
in longing for the true union with the
divine self only
and i yearn intensely for the unconscious surrender,
the Deep SAT immersion to end this unending vision
but the voice continues i am being shown this because
there is no end to existence no limit to the
need for divine love in all universes unending

Tuesday morning

I am awoken sleeping perfectly
the small candle burns brightly before
mothers altar and there is great peace
in the center of simi's world

I am about to wash and refresh my body
and enjoy my first real shower in 6 days.
wonderful hot pouring water
and i miss the chill and the spartan world i left
those cold floors and industrial lighting
the layers of clothes and snowy morning

i take a cup of decaf coffee and write pages
of my experiences monday. all is clear in
the mind of the natural soul. I write for an hour and a half
without stopping. it is finally morning and begin my meditation
and as i think of all the souls
i have been with through my reawakening
I am filled with humble gratitude for
their attainment and sharing natures for
i know every one of them now as my true family
and shall share with them my life divine.
and the tears of surrender are
upon me and the SAT is come to unwind
my lifes confusions. the soul sinks
deep and my thoughts recede but in
my heart i find many revelations
my grandson and my friend greg
i will bring them meditation
with lucas i will spend some time
to help him focus with grandpa on
what is love and have him sit with
me quietly and just think of all the
love he has. i will ask him if he
would like to do that for a few minutes
with me. and i will love him more deeply
than i ever have no matter what.

and greg who i love i will have him join
me for 1 hour everyday to do silent sitting
and will spend some time each day to
discuss his thoughts on his spiritual path.
for he is a true soul in my heart and
shall not want for surrender.

and at work i shall post on my door this:

I will not longer engage in idle chat and
joking and office games. Please come in if
you have a matter of the heart, soul, truth or spirit.
For business matters please knock on the door
and announce your self. If I am not available
please put an appointment on my calendar or
send me an e-mail and i will respond.
Most loving respects

from my morning meditation I arise after one hour as the sounds of diesel engines are parked in the driveway and i sense there is time later for more meditation. I write quickly my resolutions so they are not lost.

i resolve also to post all of this in
my blog and open a new page where we 14
can share our retreat experiences
and our lives ever since.

My love
I cannot wait all day every morning for you
to arise. For i am too full of this loves manifest
with every silent sun reaching instantly
you we with me and i'm forever in flight
the secret is in my hearts measure
of each syllable of my desire
for in you my only surrender finds devotion
and with you the light forever
fills the crown of my aspiration and descends
to the root of my despair
for where but here am i
and how but with mighty faith
can such as i be loved to thee
before all else in perfect understanding
wait effortlessly for your appearance
and send me into loves dimension

is this loves fragrance that fills me
the smell of sandal wood and orange blossoms
even as the earth underneath me stops
i am filled with thee

And now the hand written journal is done.

I begin the blog journal no longer hand written but upon my dirty keyboard filled with all loves stories and all divine inspiration

i would be remiss if not to say i am in such state that my spelling may misbehave and my grammar not be perfect but in every letter is my heart for you.

Tuesday we chat as she appears in my morning bliss
i let her read what you have seen and she loves me

we move through the morning with perfect hearts in play eating and talking like friends on holiday.
I tremble at the thought of returning to my world. Here is my step from heaven, my half way house for the soul newly blooded and born from salvations retreat

there i see the wreck of my life and the ships lashed to port where seas rise and fall unceasing.
we drive to the poppy fields of gold and yellow and lavender we sing sweet memories and plans and share our surrenders to each other.

because we do we are and shall always be that which is our right and our divine ownership of loves domain. unlike any others we are mated to bliss and not to lust and our hearts ever pure learning one language forever.

and i know the parting of our forms is nearer and soon the metal beast will haul me away and surely to my doom or at least my imprisonment.

the road is full of angry buzzing and furious churning and the phone is rung and the way shortened is lost and becomes a fruitless path into the corkscrew channels of traffic. I herd my beast and set off anew resolute and with full appreciation of the attainment in jeopardy

the road is a furious chariot race beyond the maddest dreams of the emperors and i the gladiator on wheels of fire. the way is choked with the dreams of grandeur and most are lost wayfarers of life, battle weary slaves.

I find my appointed exit and retreat to familiar streets and gas stations and trees and stop signs and I am arrived to my dominions castle. needing paint and pruning and so sweet in its faint touches of my loves remembrances.

and my wife is on the phone waving hi and my daughter comes down wide eyes looking into mine with love and appreciation of where i have been and what i am.
and we talk and she cries for her boyfriends sad tale of children taken and worry and concern, and i cry with her and she says , i only cry when i talk to you. and i am swept away in unending love again and all is well in my heart and home.

settled i enter my meditation hall and seek my refuge and reward. the walls are pinkish purple and the window half shaded as i sit upon my familiar pillows and begin. And SAT is there in my crown sweetly offering and i again feel the river and the flow and the bursting pinwheels of energy and i am alive and transported to my inner being and the closeness of the SAT.
and the body and being become one ball of the intangible ether of beings madness and everything revolves in my heart as the mysteries come to seek my understanding without thinking and now not knowing i am theirs.
and after almost 2 hours i emerge shining in every molecule of my form and
there is greg in great girth and free smiling looking to see who i am and what am i become for he knew me when and searches for that now old and now new return of my true light and he hugs without ending and connecting for this is love too and its heart is not missing.

again the tale is told and for him it is his journey too and he knows he is headed there surely for why else would he be in such divine service with me. and he is ready and the die is cast and in september or whenever he will be on the journey to the real soul the center of all our desires in the well of being. and now i tell him that every night there will be meditation and he says but my mind my mind what shall ever become of the constant din and chatter. and he knows he will find a way in our experiments.

the evening is come and Greg retires but i am forever lit and burning. To the window of the world i go and begin to publish my souls surrender word for word from my journal and the tears flow on and the fingers fly as quickly as two hens feet can scratch.

and midnight is come and gone and i must sleep one last night in my own bed with my loving wife who has seen the change and is both uplifted and happy and worried for what Siddhartha has done she knows may be done with me and all her world is in mine too. and i sleep the death of myself in a trance till 5am.

Wednesday morning

again i am not gone to work and they know and have said they are laying bets i wont show up this week and i am glad for i do not want to even call or open my email. the scent of the anxiety bird begins its tiny warbling in my stomach. but today i must see my dentist and that to me is going to my own friends home and i am pleased. and to my friend the receptionist i tell her quick and sweet the world i have been in from the retreat and her eyes wide and wondering she asks and i say manifest divine and she sits amazed.

and the dental assistant i know from many visits she too loves the quick view and then my friend the dr i ask him, for he is a good church man if he has ever been on a silent retreat and the story begins short and sweet and ends with me giving him my blogs address. and i am done and the day is yet young and as i drive home i stop at the community park and see the open green playing fields and sparkling blue skies and almost empty and i park and leave my jacket behind and begin my slow walk in perfect love around the large green fields. and as i almost complete the circuit i find a bench and sit, the sun to my back and the fields before me and close my eyes my hands up and open on my legs. and the river flows and the breeze is soft and the birds so delightful singing. and the chakras rise up and surrender to the flow and blossom and my entire being body and intimate structures are filled with a powerful source of being that replenishes and restructures both their genetic blueprint and their purpose of the very flesh, muscle, fiber, organ, blood vessel nerve tissue bone cartilage feature and crenulated brain matter is invested and strung with the fire of loves ambition flowing freely and in my heart i seek divine and call to her
let this form be thy worthy vessel and may my sacrifice and surrender in your service be your will and be in my soul your mothers being and love for i will forever be thine and in every thought feeling and understanding your only truth be reflected. and the ananda like a hurricane swept me into her arms and i melt and wetness flows down my face and the sparkling river rises and fills everywhere and this i know is heaven.

and on my park bench in perfect silence and surrender i gaze for the first time upon her dominion made mine and am in love with every blade and leaf and tree and cloud and all things come to be in this perfect world for my awakening. and i know through every fiber of my being that i am held worthy and nothing is denied the true surrender of the souls devotion.

and with tiny feet i rise and with gentle tread i walk the long and ever loving steps to my sweet ride and linger in my state unending to my little home where i sit right now with this perfect story to tell you.

and the day continues with my afternoon sitting. i fly to the chit and feel every thing i was empty and flow into the pool of undying awareness vast planes of my beings silence stretched endlessly before me. i stare eyes closed through the geometric vistas i create to enable my soul to expand. here i go sailing without friction without resistance the cart wheeling symbologies roll underneath me in airless patterns. there is no sense to their numerology or significance to their motion they ride the ether as i do.

the wheels begin to turn under the sweet waterfall of my passion and the fourth chakra like the waterwheel of shivas dharma pulls the load. i feel the worlds spin with her and my destruction is at hand as her blue eyes embrace mine and we are locked in the throes of our passion. where i am come to we begin. no stone left upon a stone and no heart wheel turning but my sight is filled with light and the sweet scents of her oiled hair like the patterns of the sun across the field of summer wheat. i feel only the dispassion of my soul and feel her many arms encircle my tebrous form. where is this come from and who am i here where i sit in my room unthinking alone. the silence extends to my lowest chakra and the mothers wish is granted for my waiting. where there was struggle the way is cleared and gentle, where mountains slide under me the earth is soft and green i am left in the center of her garden where there are only fruits and plants of incredible colors growing and she takes may hand and we sit alone in the dark of my unblinking eye.i slide across the marbled bench of her arboretum and feel the sweat of her solariums humid silence. we embrace and she is carrying me to her heart and the soul is wondrous and perfect and the lights are gone and there is nothing to do nothing to breathe nothing to see. in finite ways are unknowable to the divine and in my tiny self she is in love and i speak to call her mother and the earth opens under me and all of my existence is traced across its giant form. for every spot is light and meaning and i see billions of lights and meaning beyond all understanding and she is letting me hear her thoughts and they are unbearable dominion of acceptance and giving where love is only the speck of sand in the eternity of her grace. and the ananda is not only the light from her reflection but my hearts tears for her supreme majesty and love.

the mat is frozen to my numbed limbs and the first taste of my throat is without liquid. i am ghastly to myself, in human form and bent like a pretzel i untangle and dazzled look where before i saw.

what rough beast indeed am i to come to galilee without passage or baggage. the sleep of last nights 3 hours is forgotten and i tackle the meaning of my being in every minute i am awake. for in my darkest dreams i am sure the being is meditating on my contemplation of his unblinking self.
truly i am awakened and there is a current pulling me from chest to root and it hums my existence in ways never felt before.

and i have not eaten today or feel to though i look in the cupboard and fridge a dozen times and marvel at what i find. i have much fish i will never now eat and the strong coffee that starts my everyday before is to sit for ever in my shelves. now i am a new man without these and better for it i can feel their addiction to me. The world of my backyard is alive and green with hundreds of chirping flying creatures of the trees and skies. the grass is high and seeding with the stickers i remember we would battle with as spears and arrows of children’s dreams. and the cardboard forts and the secret clubs we would instantly create and fight for a spot in their honor.

the afternoon is ending and i must prepare for greg will soon be coming and i would take him to his own self and introduce him as a groom to his chosen bride.

i give him the retreat manual and let him sit in the meditation hall and prepare. he is quickly done and i begin the loves instruction given me.

sit and be comfortable. use a pillow on the chair. i explain the chakras using the multi colored pendant of their eastern forms printed and hanging on my wall. crown, psychic, communication, heart, energy, sex and root.
i explain he should envisage them filling with the waterfall of energy and feel hem fill and expand. imagine the blossom of their fullness.
be ever repeating My Divine Self as he would watch the parade and cacophony of thought go by. watch and remember to return to that mantra. he is relaxing with the information, there is a direction for him and he is ready. I ask him to look at the patterns and colors that he now sees on his closed eyelids and explain that this is truly a representation of his energetic state the movement and shapes have a referential meaning. I ask him to remember what he is seeing and after the session we will look again and compare.

i sit and in lotus begin the silent preparations.

my heart is beating with a pulse strong unlike my own. i feel the anxiety. I in my psychic feel his aura billowing through the room and even through the house and out to the car and the long drive he has just completed. I herd in his essence and bring it into his individual space the 18 inches surrounding him. then i clear his aura quickly grounding and sending descending golden flowers soft and spinning lazily through his irritated energy. I send cleansing rods through his energy channels and collecting all his attached energies from today and worries and concerns clinging to the energy tools and send them to the center of the earth to be released. i open the bottom of his mind and let the thoughts tumble down his grounding cord. i send golden energies through his now unclogged channels and into his dormant chakras. they light up like a christmas tree in gratitude and he is set. i fill him with the pink energy of love and leave him to discover his practice.

i move into the satwa of my dharma and not a thought comes to me as i, we, sit in silence for over an hour. I am feeling the top of my forehead a fire and my chakras filled with heat and cold flame spinning in mercurial directions. the chit is friendly today and appreciates my efforts and for this i am rewarded with a smooth compassionate time. I expand my awareness and feel greg struggling. my heart fills with a fierce pride for him and i fill his aura with the green of peace and healing. i sink into my emptiness and end in perfect silence.

i utter "Begin" in the silence after an unspecified amount of time and the energy breaks from its immovable setting. he says "wait, not yet" my eyes see in the dusk as the sun has set, the patterns of the light. "slowly emerge from your silence" Stay seated I tell him as i rise and take the healers stance next to him. I run energy from his back to his front through each chakra and remove the detritus that still sits in each one. there is no flow below his 4th. but i run energy through them all. Then i clean his crown and drain the collection of thoughts that have accumulated in the bottom of his aura. i sprinkle golden light throughout and then step back.
"open your eyes now" he sees the dim and coordinated energy patterns in the air and i see a peace there i have never seen before. I help him up and he hugs me gently with his giant arms. we are truly brothers now. He goes to take a step and holds tight to my shoulder. "my legs feel like jello" he says and we take a few minutes in the peace of the room to let the energy return to his lower limbs.

We sit in the kitchen and he describes the journey through voices and thoughts that he would chase and always remember to return to the mantra. the loving mantra my divine self. and the patterns of his closed eyes went from jagged interference in fields of tumbling colors to patterns of circles and embroidered hearts of light. He said he finally did stop the rush of a million thoughts and kept to the mantra. he glows in the darkening light.

I think, i tell him, i will go to work tomorrow and test the waters. I am feeling stable after my passage with him. neither of us is hungry as my wife returns and our adopted teenage child and friends run in after their movie bouncing with inexhaustible energies and they run up the stairs to their domain after checking in and telling us about the hot tub time machine. and pam shows greg all her prepared cut matte papers and childrens art selected for the art exhibit where she teaches and all is ordinary and full of love.

greg and i talk of his practice when he returns home and i tell him how to prepare the room he plans to use at home and he says maybe we should coordinate the time when he will meditate with me so we can each do it at the same time 1200 miles apart. all is going well and greg is ready for sleep.

i am online and simi finally sends her love and we message

simi:just keep yourself protected
tom: i told you i meditated in the city park this morning
simi: yes
tom: i am very protected
tom: i have my psychic training in place
tom: very geared up to hold my energy
simi: ok
tom: thank you for loving me
tom: i will take your advice though
tom: i think its good
tom: you are my guru also
simi: you are connected to "guru" force
simi: and protection is a must
tom: so what should i do
tom: what do you recommend
simi: let me really feel what I am trying to say
tom: sure
simi: give me few mins
simi: maybe we should involve Siddhartha in this
tom: he said you are my guru also
simi: I am feeling that maybe you should be with him through this process
simi: hehehe
simi: yes
simi: BUT
tom: i will contact him
tom: right now
simi: he might have the knowledge from B guiding him
tom: sure
simi: your system is wide open
simi: and it should be completely protected
simi: I know it is
tom: he does have much knowledge of these things
tom: so i should not go to work tomorrow?
simi: but I feel your state is so vulnerable
simi: and I feel something is "coming"
simi: for you
simi: like a big bang kind of thing
tom: something wonderful?
simi: yes
simi: YES
tom: cool
simi: everything is going to shift
tom: im ready
simi: your true self is going to come out
simi: like you take off your old clothes
tom: i almost felt i was going this morning in the park
simi: yes
simi: I see you
tom: it was right on the cusp
simi: so please call Sidd
tom: you have seen my true self
tom: sure
simi: Yes
simi: have
tom: what should i say
tom: help me please
simi: I saw you in this evening's meditation
simi: everything should go smoothly
simi: tell him what I am saying
simi: and what he feels
tom: ok
simi: it is almost like the moment right before enlightenment
simi: I am not sure why I feel this so strongly
tom: you do
tom: thats all that matters
simi: I feel you should be under supervision...
simi: just watching your progress
simi: kind of like the days when I stopped going to work at Baxter
simi: if you weren't there, I would have left body
tom: he is busy just now
simi: Sidd can check everything in meditation
simi: oh ok
simi: between you and me... B has told me that your purpose in life is very high
tom: ok ill keep it a secret
simi: He told me one time that it is because you will come from Bhakti angle
simi: and Love is a mighty power
simi: you are so cute
tom: i am loves divine incarnation with you
simi: well, I said it that way because B told me that way... it was a very private conversation
tom: he would know
tom: i respect that in him
simi: yes
tom: he is talking to george
tom: it may take a while
tom: call
simi: oh ok
simi: it is important you talk to him
tom: ok
tom: he wants me to stay at home or with you
tom: not go to work
tom: he was all excited
simi: excited?
tom: about my writing
tom: and very pleased about my state
tom: he said to stay in it as long as possible and i would be fine here as long as everyone was being good to me
simi: oh
tom: he read my extended journal online
tom: he said everyone is talking to him about it
tom: he wants me to keep writing
simi: yess
simi: of course
tom: i am so high from talking to him
tom: just like this morning
tom: feeling my self going out
tom: he said you should stay in constant contact with me
simi: I feel the same
tom: me too
tom: with you two taking care of me i feel blessed
simi: did he understand what you said
tom: yes i told him you wanted me to ask what i should do to stay protected
simi: and
tom: he made me describe my state to him and what i am experiencing
simi: ok
tom: he said merger is near
tom: stay home but meditate
tom: and thats about ir
simi: that is what I feel
tom: greg said that when we were meditating he saw me as 5 balls of light in a v form
simi: yes
tom: i have such profound meditations now
simi: great
tom: deep and clear
tom: my energy system is so clean
tom: i feel no blocks
tom: just flow
tom: i ate a bowl of soup today with bread
simi: yes
simi: awwww
simi: wonderful
tom: no appetite
simi: yes
simi: I can't believe I meditated for an hour
tom: when i was thinking i would go to work i thought i should eat
tom: hehehe
simi: I also feel so much silence
tom: good
simi: you left it here
tom: that is the most important
simi: yes
tom: silence within
simi: I felt ants all over me in the meditation
tom: in the heart and mind
tom: hehe
tom: the sat is coming for you
tom: you should read Siddhartha’s retreat manual

we part in loves fullness her heart in mine. the evening is drawing late and pam and hillary are abed. the quiet silence of the last hour of the day is bewitching and soft. i stride into my meditation hall, now my sleeping room also as i have been directed to do. I take my position to meditate and the darkness is complete.

Thursday morning - one week from the first day of galilee

at 4:30 i awaken refreshed, the light of my candle sending soft talismans of the days portents. i think that i must re read my adventure so far to keep in continuous connection with the who i was and soon will be. i feel the evenings meditations still thrumming through my chakras, so delicate and powerful within me. In the kitchen i am begun with my new decaf free trade south american cultivated german processed american marketed instant coffee that looks like wood chips in a jar. but lovingly tastes delicious and brown. the caffeine thrill is gone and i am so pleased.

i begin my journey once more from that first day at Galilee and am swept up in my own saga like its another persons manuscript and well worn story not mine own heart in secret being born to unknown waters. I feel the same rush of glory and the chin wavering sobs that held me as i lived each second. and then today is come and yesterday to complete and all is written as if it really happened like i say it did.

this morning greg is up and he sees me in my meditation clothes and i shake my head, he says " i figured" we hug and i salute his bravery the soldiering to another day of dooomed battle with the world outside. in here i feel small and safe protected, but forgive me , for how long?

i am quick to begin the task of yesterdays amazing journeys and make the leap into the reality that still sits in my thoughts and memories i am along the way merrily describing when i am suddenly receiving my ring toned gong that salutes me when people reach out to me. Its greg
the world is coming to an end and the fortunes of this mega company rest on my ability to get things working once again.

and in minutes without thought or anxiety, i find the cause and cure , organize the best resources and let them do the work. I check the result and release the application back into production as the oracle would proclaim the miracles of delphi.

and i even now must go meditate and leave this so wonderful time i am having for the fortunes of the SAT.

and the insanity grows with plucked wings and scratching posts held high. i am entering into a madness that completes me like a dog with a new bone in the old part of the yard. two hours of sat meditation leaves me lovingly giddy and i play tricks ro keep from babbling without end but i dont think its working. i have already sent madness to the cohorts foolish enough to write me and now they too must pay the price for a weekend at Galilee. no stark raving lunatics they but rather the born childs of their mothers womb where father laid and the children came without end in perfect succession leaving one atop the others.

the truth is crazy when you finally meet it and it stops you dead. the world explodes without dying and more is there where you left your hat and pillow last night. if i was insane this wouldn’t make sense but i know theres not a word that george wouldn’t understand for this is his world and i am intruding without permission but its so bright and torn apart. i feel like a collage that someone decided to start over on tearing away the glued down parts and overlaying new ones.

meditation thursday morning 10 to 12

its cold and the memories of the gulag return to my frostbitten toes
i huddle in my jacket with the paper clip attached and in new pants but thinner as befits the san diego climes. i am chill and ill with the fever of my desires for the SAT and for the bringers of the SAT for they know what i want and i will find my ways to learn the secrets they deny me. i sit still with my fevered fetish and feel the crown awaken busy with the sparkle of transmission, dropping sweet nectar down. i huddle under the spigot and suck it dry. where is the flow the rivers of sweet devotions memories entice me to the sorrows of compulsion. i sit in contemplation of my disease and the relish of the physicians that entreat my hmo to pay. and this day like any other except i am lost in my sanity and would trade it now for but a single minute of the flow. i refuse to beg like a common dog, so a slave of virtue i sit erect and simper at the sights behind my eyes. and here is come judas and the lost angels and the fallen saints of thermopolies winding their way to my inner sanctum to counsel me and give me fresh ammunition, for the candles burn low and the stores are empty. i am begrudged their including me in their hallowed ranks of lost reachers and failed teachers but i am nevertheless impressed with their judge of character and disdain for the common crowd. and here is come hercules covered in horse manure and samson his hair a grizzly mess chopped with some blunt instrument by some jealous wench. and we are laughing at our joint efforts all come to naught but a commen death and i feel both betrayed and bedeviled by their handsome display of comraderies. i test their memories of what went wrong and what they thought was the real matter and all in unison and without hesitation said they fell at the feet of the mother in human form and were struck down one by one. for each would see her more beautiful than the last and would woo her and mate her and make her their own and they sold their souls to a dime store demon to have what they never could own. I sat stiff and backed away for my heart was pure and i never took such measure i claimed. but they turned and laughed until tears flowed from their red rimmed eyes and said, you havent even met her yet but you will you see. it happens to us all. and we know who will fall. and they slapped me on the back and hugged all around and hercules picked up their mess and they were gone.

i sit dumbfounded and back from the past or future or were ever reverie would attack me. I thought of my love and my wife and my daughter and all the women ive known, but couldt believe what they were telling me until the mother came walking along. I sat in her presence and demanded the answer, would she really do this to me? she smiled and she twirled and i saw her golden curls and her form beyond my control and i grabbed for her and mad with my lust we made there upon the floor. and i in heavens gate felt my feet taken and was flung from the clouds where Zeus and Thor are still king and king alike and to the depths of earth was i cast and found myself in soiled rags on a peasants floor. and it came to me this was not what i thought it would be for time was not where expected. i started again and this time i said, there must be some kind of way out of here before i forgot just who i was there.

and i returned again like a whip snapping into my meditation room and the slow passage of the morning play at meditation continues and i am shaken and feel unsure of my divinity and wonder. when the SAT comes and the clavicle aches and the sun shines behind my eyes and i see her in such radiance i know that my dreams are never real until she takes me in her heart and i am gone to love once more.

each word i writ is true for me and i know its not possible but where am i now but in my kitchen on a machine that is certainly the devils hand child and creating the masterpiece of my life without a thought in my head. who could dream this for me but another me as crazier as i must seem to you too.

the afternoon suffers as i sit alone in manic fashion and hunt for someone I trust to talk to to IM to answer an outlandish missive in a hundred e-mails but there is not stopping the fervent seething of the divine in full fire. at long last sims answers my IM and we stutter through our experiences. she is in a mild Samadhi since i left, long meditations and silence. "you left it here" she tells me. and its true. the meditation i had that night in her apartment would have blasted the paint off the walls. she is going to the yoga center in LA after spending the day with her young devotee. there she plans to meet the devotional singer she knew from her earlier stay in the city of angels. She is buzzing and the cars are rushing around her. the transmissions are powerful between us and i simply die with her every word.

but she is affected too and the driving is a busy chore so we promise to talk tomorrow with all her new adventures to tell.

Greg comes home and goes to work on the car, the 66 lemans that he is converting to a GTO in my driveway. the inside is now a shell and he has fiber glassed the interior floor to preserve the rotting metal. the shiny new engine and transmission are already in place. He wants to work on the car for a while since tomorrow its back to Austin and his home and family in love and turmoil. so i tell him if he wants to join me in meditation i will be in the hall for the next 2 hours, and i take my leave of the world. i have been hungry to return to my pinked palace of the divine.

Meditation 6pm Thursday

I feel the force without a qualm, the tingling of the crown the waves across the eyes the slipping down of the mind. In lotus i am beautiful and declare my love for all things born of the SAT. in moments i crescendo into the depths of deep determination of the being and the simple emptiness of the SAT. and hour later i awaken gently reorienting where and when i might be. I can tell by the shade of the light through my eyelids its close to dark. i stretch my legs from their cross and tingling geometry and open the lower chakras without effort. all is flowing and full of the juice that applies the pressure to my foreheads balding crown.
i sit in mild amazement of how this happening to me the constant ananda the flow of the chit the descent of the SAT to me in this life and where i would be if ten years ago i had fled with simi to india and the Bhagavan circus where the SAT is manufactured and distributed wholesale. but instead for ten years i kept her and i alive through our yahoo messenger and undying love. the years of conversations sometimes eight hours a day and then again the next my second life or really my first. I feel the strong flow unabated and fresh, constant and determined to keep me in my deep meditation and introspection of my state. another hour and a half slip by in quiet ecstasy and when i can no longer not move i arise into my candles company and kiss the dark hall of miracles goodnight.

i no longer watch the programming box or share my friends toys. books are beyond my needing and i realize i am left with only my words and my freeze dried decaf and a piece of raisin toast and peanut butter, organic of course, for supper. Greg and pam join me in a quiet conversation while they have bowls of granola and cheerios for dinner and the big cat, now very diminished, yowls for the milk that now produces projectile vomiting in his diseased stomach. we souls of fortune, in between our battles and hardships here anchored for a few more years of R&R until the next go round and another lifetime of senseless passions and defeats to learn what i am doing now. surrender and be born here in this life while there is still time. while the master satguru is still in his form and nearby to our hearts for our lives are so entwined with his. where will we be when next we're born, will this be as simple as true as easy for us who have done our lifes duties to grasp and create what we truly need in this life not the next.

Friday the manifesting of matter
where there was perfect union and clear connection i am risen to my candles wavering light and find a seeking to the soul. I roll from the covers of my hermits mat and sit in contemplation and wait for my love to descend
and there is only the wall of matter before me
the ideas of man and the singular nature of my existence. I seek what i know is there but i understand my tamas is returned and the manic love of the previous days incarnation is passed. here the light is grey and ordinary and the heart pumps with selected moments of it physical endurance. A part of an hour is passed and i surrender to my devout loss and despair. overtake me in this thy form whatever you would bring me for this too shall become part of my ananda. the moments tick into obscurity and it is time for my departure to the physicians of the west and their undivine practices.
The laotian woman is young and beautiful, her features betray a light within that sing to my golden soul. she is quick and cheerful and divine with me. Blood pressure almost normal and she looks pleased for her efforts. I am in surrender to her practice and feel her sweet joy of care and loving treatments.
the young doctor is clean and very patient. he asks how i am and seems to look into my thoughts as i sit silent within and without. I tell him, i am not sleeping and i have eaten little for the last week. we go deeper and he suspects depression but i assure him it is rather the fulfillment of divine purpose that is making all human actions meaningless and i am searching for a new path in my life. he is struck with my confession and we speak of the retreat and his eyes soften and look into my heart. we talk of the way to the soul and the path less traveled and he encourages me to continue my practice. However he says if you are going to continue working you need to sleep and eat. he prescribes pills and he examines my back fractured six months ago in the cliff diving waterfalls of the big island, which is in physical discomfort from the constant sitting and soon the renewed commute that is thousands of miles every month. and there he says i should begin a stretching regimen and he again gives me pills. I am struck by his true caring and he seems to understand the path i am on and we part brethren rather than patient and healer.

i feel a swirling in my head as i go to have my blood drawn and quartered. rapidly the tubes fill and i am amazed at the pressure of the blood and ability to renew the very fluid of my existence. and what in that blood is alive and activated by my transformation will that too be found and dissected for its attainment and release from bondage?
i step dizzy into the outside air and look at grey skies above and a smearing of emotions within. where is this heart in my soul and what will be this days loving movement. I drive slowly to my waiting home and sit wondering if i am lost to my ascension without the coming of the SAT this morning. the dizziness increases and my sinuses swell and throat begins to have an edge of irritation with every breath. I feel the virus of my affliction in descent and the virus of the air in ascension within me. for in the last 3 years i have only been sick with the flu once and not a single cold. truly i have spent myself over this retreat without care or matter for the physical, without food or sleep i have pursued my inner nature ands now the payment of the chit is due and my body is too stressed to resist. It is time to make peace and be still, eat and sleep with my forms desire and take a day for the realignment of my internal and external natures.

i sit all day until 6 pm in my kitchen, drinking fluids and vitamins eating grounding foods and wondering if i will recover in time for my return to slavery come monday. The day passes warmly but i sit under many layers of sweaters and blankets. my silent self is feeling the pressure of my sinuses and throat. at six i take a break to meditate for i am not done with my practice even though i feel depressed and sore in every muscle.

and the SAT is waiting strong and forgiving for my surrender of this for my ascension and divine love. I am filled with light and force and even though i cough and drain and swallow i am fulfilled in every atom of my being. and it fades and i am in the ananda for two hours moving my legs often to relive the tender muscles but never disconnecting.

I emerge into the dusk and the energy is light and moving slowly in the patterns before my eyes. I sit and take a drink and feel both the ascension and the dejection of my form.

some time passes and the forms pain overtakes me again and i seek the nostrums of the patent medicine purveyors. i take the red liquid and slowly my head dries and my cough subsides and i can sit without pain for my body is ancient and thankful. I turn to distract my mind and for the first time in 2 weeks i watch a movie on the tv wrapped in my swaddling clothes. it is late 11 pm and i see a message from my love

I have been in dejection all day
I think i am starting to come out of it.
what is this?

and she too is experiencing the tamas and cycles that we are eternally in sync together. for her day before had been kundalini yoga and traveling and the rajas in ascension and the SAT descending. i feel her pain and send her my love. It is late, I tell her we will talk tomorrow but she is not there.

I am unable to sleep and know i must. i break the rule of my guru and i know there will be payment due but i take the sleeping pill and sleep for eight hours.


it is 8am and i am groggy. the pill did its work but will not release me from its chemical instruction. I am filled with mucous but the throat is not as rough. I shower and cleanse all my orifices with hot water, the sinuses clear the throat becomes soft
but i ache still and am glad to put on fresh linens and step out to the kitchen. i prepare real coffee in hopes the caffeine will dry my sinuses rather than take the patent nostrums for my condition. My love is online and we discuss our feelings and states. she is loving the yoga and was able to overcome her tamas by walking in the park that she discovered. I tell her i think i should go back to playing guitar and then i could write songs
i am obsessed with figuring how to make my talents support me. I want off the squirrel cage. she send me many articles on poetry and contests and i am too tired to look at them. I say, when the spirit moves me I will do that.

she leaves to meditate and i begin my journals faithful composition, for my ordained duties are for everyone, and some day this story will ignite the passion of a soul in surrender and be their stations of the cross and crown of thorns on their journey to loves sacrifice.

sickness is like a disease, you feel like there’s nothing you can do its the void of voids. i go into it i expand it, it sits there, the mucous runs, the throat aches and burns sharply when i cough. the muscles and sometimes the bones ache with a fever thats imaginary, my forehead is only warm. such is the mighty taken low and the triumphant felled by the tiniest of creatures. not having been sick for years i always forget how much i hate it. just goes to show what a controlled life i live, not even room for a virus. i sit in my meditation room, the tiniest of a feeling in my crown, i yearn i burn but my sacrifice is not accepted. for hours the room seems to rotate and swerve underneath me and my legs sit sloppily crossed in loose fashion before me. i wonder if there is any way i can do this for hours with no tingle of the SAT, not whisper of the chit no ananada except for the dizziness and the disorientation. a poor mans high indeed. the saturday is beautiful outdoors, warm and sunny, my friend the black spider with the horseshoe of orange on his back suns himself in the outdoor lawn chair. i remind myself to tell the wife and daughter not to sit there as his tiniest bite is highly poisonous. the great expanse of green across the backyard is full and expressive of the abundance of nature left to her own devices. wild grasses going to seed, weeds, untrimmed bushes flowering, the giant chinese maple in full greening after the billions of tiny leaves had fallen all last winter. unknown trees with beautiful orange and blue blossoms are full of bees and hummingbirds. the orange blossoms are off the orange tree but the hundreds of small fruit can be seen emerging. the corner by the tool and garden shed is a giant eyesore, the detritus of rebuilding three engines and fixing dozens of our friends cars. stacks of buckets full of oil and fluids ring the garbage cans. but the house is full of living and full of loving and its a warm home full of the laughter of children and the excesses of teenage hormones. i am feeling my age as i feel my head swell and ache. the warm sun feels soft and wonderful but nothing helps the sinus cavities swelling and the throat burning. I wander fully layered and in stocking feet through my domain in love and madness with the disease of my heart and my head in full flower.
the day is spent taking the over the counter cures that if you double the dose provide half the relief promised. no sounds, the family is out shopping and the adopted children giggle and cough upstairs. the light in the house is dimmed though UV double paned windows, perfect in summer, but in the spring and fall, the house remains chill while there is 70's outside. as the afternoon wears on i rouse myself from the couch in the living room where the multi recliners provide the best angle for resting, if i should lay down the pounding becomes a beating and no rest is possible. the ball game is on with no sound and its like a painting on the wall that constantly changes. interesting but not unavoidable. i realize its the sound that destroys the senses. the eyes can look away, but the ears are captive. my thoughts have been in full displacement, lurching from topic to topic, i am a talk show of the insane as i try to make sense of what is going on. i cannot continue my life but i also have no idea how to change. when i was young there was the daily decision to go or stay to start anew or try to make what was happening get better. I was a musician and a writer a swimmer in the oceans and a rough ranch hand a snow bound explorer and a lover of the high places. every year i was going and searching for the experiences that i craved and moving and changing was an annual event. in every town a new job, building decks and fences, tree trimming, pine cone collection, back country tree planters, sound engineer and hawaiian beach bum. where is that soul of change and mastery now. how am i so chained to this life again. and the effort exhausted me and the tears i could not cry stung.
i went to the room and it was cold and i remember the last time Siddhartha was here he said this room is colder than the Washoe house and the Olympia ashram in winter, even the boulder scene was warmer. I sat and coughed in the chill and then went to the garage and dug up the oil filled radiator heater. i set it to low and left the room. it would take at least an hour to start to warm. every item in the house a memory of my life with the family. the low paying jobs, the flea markets, the garage sales where i accumulated the things we needed to make our lives raising children and living in low rent apartments. it was only at the height of the housing bubble that an opportunity came to buy this house, big enough for my family and my sons family while he worked and finished college. the seven of us fit very nicely here and for 3 and half years it was a full and rich life with too many mothers and funny happy children and the angst of the lonely teenage girl, every story of life lived and breathed here and it was magnificent. now its just the three of us in 5 bedrooms, my son just blocks away in his townhouse, his employment secure computer programming with a large international giant, benefits and definitely a star in his world. our grandson and granddaughter are so sweet and like all kids and teenagers so young. i cant imagine that when i was my granddaughters age, i was gone and living in the streets. how is it possible at so young an age i was gone and already mastering my fate.

and how was it i came to be here. I want to sell this box and get a small apartment that my wife and daughter could afford while i get the hell out and focus wholly on my path. yes its a small shack in hawaii but its mine and paid for and my wife is welcome but she can never leave her lucas and i feel no such compulsion. and my true love, she is caught in her own world and has much to do, she cannot be trapped in such a place so disconnected from where she feels her dharma takes her. so alone it would be and i would truly be free and forever thankful if i could just do that.

the room is too warm now and i open the door for a few minutes and take off my polar Tec jacket full of the hair from my cats. i sit again loosely and meditate for 2 hours without a trace of the SAT. I run my cosmic and feel an uplift from my body responding and i hope that the energy will help drive out the disease. I bring heat into my solar plexus and use my 3rd chakra as a fan to burn out the virus and set my center to high on the energy meter. after the alarm beeps i drag myself from the room, unenlightened but satisfied i have at least fulfilled half my ordained duties from siddhartha.

I work on the computer devising words and ideas, and e-mails come. I cannot tell you the joy i feel in my heart when one of the ragged galilee group connects to me, for i am so in love with them. Later i get a string of new dharma mails and see a one day silent retreat and in my heart i ask, is that worth 2 days of driving, or $600 in air fares? one day when it took 6 to unwind my cranked up world. and i know i would pay anything to be in the center of that again, the truth i felt was devastating and filled with such promise. i am a ways from there already. the night quiets as the 11 o’clock swings into view. I must sleep if i am to recover. My love is on the computer just returned from her little devotees house and with one in tow. We exchange loves and a few words and sign out. I slip into my multi blanketed bed and wait for closure which comes slowly and the next i know i am coughing and looking into the 4:30 of the digital clock, i turn over and pull up the covers and toss and turn until 7.

Sunday still only a week from the retreat, still madly feeling the power of the transformation and unwilling to part with any of it. I sit and update the sweat and tears from saturday and drink black coffee until my throat says, take more nostrums soon.

sunday midday meditation

my experience is undeniable and at the same time i cannot understand that which is my awareness disconnected from experience. the SAT exists in constant communion with every particle of being and yet i feel it only when i am empty. and in that emptiness i am filled, no less than complete and no more than the satisfaction of the being. love sends me to new heights and the SAT transports me from there to regions unknowable by my own abilities. when i go to my meditation room relaxed and ready, still an ache and a cough but sincerely connected to the meditation i am about to cast my consciousness on. I float into the world of the self beneath my self and cast sail for the winds of energy to take me. I am in turgid waters and the sails luffing in the silence. a small radiance is in my crown and i feel somehow adrift without direction, but now my faith is all and i continue as i have expecting nothing and accepting that which is my truth in the moment that never ends. i still am silent and have been for many years yet this is somehow a more profound stillness a breathless being that seeks nothing no hope or aspiration but founded in what is here and forever true. the hour passes as the days and weeks and months and years of my existence and all the lives before. as the hour comes to an end and the tiny beep of some unknown timer softly carries from the closet of my meditation hall, i suddenly feel an expansion and the light of my crown increasing and waves of the chit pulsing into me as if the sails are suddenly filled and the purpose of my drifting is revealed through prayer and petitions unexpressed. i am saved and redeemed for this is my appointed time and my resolute nature come forward from the heart of my desire. the truth is my connection to those that love me and would heal me if i would but be open to them and from the soul of the Washoe house i am carried again into my true natures experience of my eternal energy and light. the next hour is a wash of being expanding and i feel every bit of my illness recede and my energy made whole. i sit in humble gratitude to my friends and lovers everywhere and especially to those souls of galilee who sail these shores with me.

as the day lingers i am awash in my tamas of the sunday afternoon still warm but the clouds of this weeks weather are gathering to the south. I feel a chill in the breeze that was not there this weekend and i conjecture on my return to the work world i inhabit but have been ignoring this week. The unrelenting early morning until night regime of self abuse and collapsed feelings. The alcoholic machine. i have been living there for the last 20 years and feel sick to just imagine it getting its grip on me again. I have a late lunch of a garden burger with onions tomatoes and lettuce, it tastes good but not like i remember. I dress and make my first foray into the world for the last two days. The cats need food and litter for their waste and i could save money by driving to the costsco madness but i am not even ready for that so i go to the little pet store nearby and pay the extra to save my sanity or insanity a little longer. for the world is a wicked place and everyone a sinner. and to touch is to be taken away and i am still not ready in my heart for the confrontation.

after a quick dash i am through and settle into my reclining couch and leave the picture on and the men on the great green field at play to wash over me as i think my thoughts undisturbed by the silence of the room. and my thinking is just music of my heart and no words come but my tears expand into the moment as the world seems to wait outside my door. i am not of this world or this earthly motion and my feet are not upon this leaden floor of manufacturing and sales and consumerism but instead am born to light and spirit ever more. the sun is settling and my wife and daughter are away at the boyfriends sisters birthday and his sons going away party that is not a party but a sad affair for his ex is taking the child 2 thousand miles away and out of his life and he is devastated. too poor to fight in court and to young to make the move. I think he should follow the boy to virginia and make the sacrifice but no else thinks so. i feel the pain in his heart and the sadness my daughter feels now fills their relationship. i hope his pain does not become anger.

the world never stops its rampage upon us or its desire to make known that which only hurts and never uplifts. the room is dark now and i turn to my meditation hall to rejoin my self in perfect surrender.
I sit and the familiar tingle of my crown returns and i straighten in my lotus and await, but its is not the chit that descends but my gorge that begins to ascend and my stomach feels to turn upward and not in a friendly way. I try to stabilize but the room begins to revolve around my still form and i lurch forward to stop the motion that unsettles me. I crawl to my feet and return to the living room, now undone even more and try to walk it off but the feeling persists and there begins 12 hours of the rejection of my lunch and every thing i have had to drink since. i am not done until 4am when i finally get a few hours of uneasy rest and then arise to send an e-mail to my work, that once more i am failing in my agreement to be there. But i will log in from home and work as soon as i can get some much needed rest. and at 9:30 i am up feeling thin and ready but stil unsteady, I have a warm glass of decaf and a dry toast and the stomach feels a tiny pit of unsteadiness with the weight. I wander from my work computer to the outdoors for air and it is magnificent after the evenings showers.

The day is shadows and light as i work from home neatly wrapped warm in my layers of sweat pants and sweaters. i diligently reply to my required emails and take care of the few issues that are pending. My mind is in another place from my experience, I am spiritually disoriented from my actions. The room is my kitchen full of windows and green growing vistas outside and the walls are light yellow and warm. my love comes on the computer she is off to Fresno to gather up gurdas and bring him home. the day becomes mid morning and clock has sped forward to 11. I see the meaning of the minutes flow and wonder if i am going to be able to maintain this state. in a hlf hour i am ready to take on my meditation for the morning. I steal into my sitting pillows and set sail. the darkness is smooth and the feeling is silent. since my illness of the previous night i have not meditataed. I wait for my familiar feeling, the tingling of the crown the slippery energy descending the waterfall of my chakras. it is silent, i am prepared to sit without moving for whatever comes. i suddenly realize i am going unconscious, a sign the sat is present, the release of awareness of the finite to the infinite fields of awareness that brings unknowing. i sit and feel a slight pulsing on my forehead and my senses tingle with the change. there is force come the chit is afoot and i in my pillow am lifted closer to the being. I feel the shift as i have been very body centric with the pains of the evening still fresh in my senses. there is shift and lift and the silence stretches. even before i am carried away my beep comes, and hour is passed and i must return from my sacred lunch to the duties i am assigned. the world seems crooked and my senses see a higher reality while me feet walk sideways through my hallway. I am not in my body and the colors seem bright and high. i feel light and disconnected. i cannot speak and there is no one home. i sit and explore the wonders of my surroundings from my heightened senses.
in the midst of the mess on the table my computer shows a scene from this very kitchen. my background a picture from the past summer and so typical of the light and views of my life from here. I am broken from my reverie and settle into my tasks, detached and unaffected. the day passes without comment and the kids come and go and i find on the internet for my wife a selection of art projects for all different age groups and classes and she is excited to find aboriginal instructions. I send off a e-mail to the principal at the school where she volunteers to entreat him not to cancel the art program she works for and has worked for 13 years.
my wife is pleased and she says this is what you should be doing, you write so well you know just what to say. people should pay you to write for them. and that makes sense to me, not everyone has my history of writing both as an art and as a means of communicating. and the two make either more than the one itself.
i struggle to the 5 pm and have my afternoon evening meditation. and here there is again the uncomfortable body poses and the aches and the numbness that i associate with the SAT supreme and the torture of the physical to be in harmony with its unseen presence. But nothing can deter me as the day continues and the life is without a meaning apart from this.

I am delivered without the disassociation from earlier and the dark is deep and nigh to my experience of the silence. Tomorrow is my daughters 20th birthday and i love her dearly, in such new silent communion i am fully grateful for her love and companionship in this incarnation.

i spend a short time perhaps an hour with my true love on the IM and we chatter on about her upcoming travels and my experiences and such, and i notice that i am hungry for connection and communication with such high beings and i feel so disconnected, as if on a mountaintop and seeing everything i am fully isolated.

The night proceeds to sleep and the preparation for the next day, the first day to physically be at work and the dread is gone now there is only the resignation of the body, for the spirit would do anything.

Tuesday return to the asylum

the beast roars softly in the early chill, i am awaken and early ready to go for i have not the devices that had before to prepare me. no caffeine, no lurid novel to explore, just a few moments in silence and savoring a hot cup of decaf free trade wood blended chips in water. So the road is open and the traffic silent as i purr in my aging construct to the faraway kingdom of the dollar in ascension. The passage is untroubled and in a swift hour and a quarter i have traversed the 75 miles to the city block campus and enter my beautiful office appointed in cherrywood furniture and wall covering windows. I settle and am soon embroiled in the events of my absence. One nearby cubist is entered and he with the mandalas on his computer screen, and he has many questions and is truly moved by my short description of the weeks events away from Galilee. I give him this pages address so he can read the story for himself and he is thankful. The early morning becomes time for everyone else to arrive and i meet my office mate laura and she is glowing with herself and i look loving into her heart. I give everyone who comes a lesson in the satchitananda and the wonders of separating themselves from their everyday world in a silent retreat. I soon have much work and many meetings to attend and i notice my lightness and soft touch upon everything and everyone, i am a ghost in this place a whisper of the heavy hand i was.
the walk at noon is very enlightening through the ponds of the bird sanctuary and natural wetlands. Everyone is opening to me their heart and travails they are going through and always my counsel is, this is what you wanted for your self , dont get lost in your feelings but rather now imagine what it is you what next and create that.

i move through the afternoon schedule with some humor but i try to be polite. when the day is done , i whisk myself away and home in a hurry. the accidents are everywhere and the snarl of cars is long but i arrive within 2 hours to my door. and i run to my rescue room and begin meditation. The feeling is jerky and unsettled, i focus on releasing the days energy and slowly settle calmly into the self near the being and for a short while i am in the flow and song of my own awareness and ananda. But noises intrude and i hear my daughter and it is her birthday, but she was supposed to be at night class today after working. I go to her and we hug and exchange our love. She has just returned from the mall and shopping with her gift card from her mother and i give her my card with some money for her also and she says oh dad thats too much and i just smile for sge is truly doing wonderfully in this life. We hug many times and i let her join her friends upstairs and i return to my meditation.

At 7pm is the conference call with Siddhartha and i have expectations. I want to reconnect with my galileeans and my guru. i have felt a diminishing of the force after todays sojourn into the work life i had so long ago left behind and hoped the phone would transmit the SAT energy back to me. We are many of us from northeast, northwest and south connected by wireless communication and the speaker phone picks up every sound. Siddhartha speaks of the travails of openings and diminishing and Arjuna and Krishna and the path of the being connected to him. then he asks anyone to speak if they have questions and i hear only silence, so i speak of my physical and the acceptance of the sicknesses and colds i am experiencing after all these years of control and he speaks of my experience and says that i have had a 4th chakra kundalini opening and that the body is becoming other than flesh and blood to become the ethereal body of the SAT. and that will bring many illnesses that are not physical but feel so. and the he asks Kathleen who had the huge kundalini opening how she is doing, and she says i feel tired and not connected but not sick, i must be in tamas. and then he asks if any one else has comments or questions and the group is silent. I have many but dont want this to only be about me. i am surprised that no one has anything to say and a bit mystified for this is such an opportunity for everyone to talk to their living guru of their experiences, but no one utters a sound, and Siddhartha says then we will meditate, the gong explodes in the speakerphone and pulses in waves from the tiny speaker. he says you will feel me enter your heart, and i feel my heart expand and tingle, and then i feel a large man standing close to me and coming to my ear and whispering words i cannot hear and he kisses me and i think this must be him, for he is too loving and too different from what i expected.
and the gong explodes and i am almost sent from my chair and reverie. I muse on my condition and is it that different from everyone else that was there? am i the only one still having the SAT experiences every time i meditate? and with that i sit again in my chair and meditate, ending as the hours do with my time to prepare for another day of scheduled living.
the candle is lit and the room awash in its pulsing speaking energies and SAT unknowable to me. the darkness surrounds my thoughts and i am lost to this also.

the morning is quiet, the decaf and raisin toast delicious. The day is begun and the drive through rain and light seeping behind the clouds becomes day and clear as i arrive. i am filled with feeling disconnected, finishing up yesterdays entries and slipping into the administration mode of my role.
My many projects have gone nowhere in my absence and i settle into the most pressing technical issues on the largest of my projects. The issue defies easy solutions and i turn to my notes.
The morning has a few wonderful interludes with my friends here who never cease to amaze me with their inner aspirations and compassionate natures. Not many but the few are all i need to make it through the day without feeling completely alienated in this corporate construct. Lunch is another walk and another talk as the home is the issue and the world is sending new lessons for old problems that need to be addressed for the one who accompanies me. The air is chill and windy the sky a tempest of clouds and threats but no rain falls. I return to my office refreshed and empty. a small morsel is supplied to ease my silent hunger. as i go to eat the half sandwich of vegetables my jaw is unable to open and the pain in my jaw is great. Unusual, TMJ, i have never experienced this before. I wonder if the kundalini energy is somehow becoming blocked in my 5th chakra and impinging on my jaw. I take tiny bites and ignore the pain.

my new tea is apple cinnamon and its smell is delicious. The day completes without the big issues solved but many small ones are managed and eliminated from my list. The drive home is a flurry of speed and no wrecks today so the delays are normal. I feel a congestion in my chest a coughing itch in my throat and my sinuses filling.

Into my meditation Hall i go and light a new candle as the last has burned to nothing. I sit and i immediately feel the crown open and the energy descend, just like a week ago, strong and quickly i feel the soothing pull of the void and go in and out many times while riding the back of the flying fur covered snake dragon of the SAT. and hour passes in minutes and the eyes experience the small amount of light coming in from the shaded window now distantly pounded by wind and rain muffled and unconcerning. The heart is warm and the consciousness is cocooned in my love of the connection that is so perfect in my aspiration and practice. I have not felt this strong a connection since a week ago and i wonder if my guru's intercession last night may have been the catalyst for this expansion. I feel divinely connected to my source and more than food or drink or fleshy contact, here is my new self’s nourishment and sustenance. The next hour is a blur of energy and unusual body feelings, my arm hurts again and my feet go numb within minutes and require me to unfold and refold until i finally surrender and sit in my folding chair until the beep chimes from my closets dark interior. I arise refreshed but feeling disconnected from this simple life i live. The party for my daughters birthday will soon commence, a small affair with a small cake she baked herself and ice cream with my son and his family coming. I love this, everyone is happy, truly pleased to be together in our sweet communion of family souls, the presents are few just practical items except for one from my wife, that hillary has asked for. I so prize her frugalness and her enjoyment of what she has. the little celebration is quickly complete and the family dispersed and i am left to my own again and the jaw is in great pain and i have spasms in my back when i sit. outside the wind is increasing and the rain is beating hard in gusts against the dual paned sheets of glass. I feel the force within and without each a reflection of my state and both safely distant from my experience beyond this life and returned to me by the mysterious force of the SAT. My hope is not to attain through dint of labor but to be the recipient of grace and be moved where my soul would follow. and for this i would require the experience to be there and enfold me when i open my being to my self. so far i am not disappointed or felt unloved by this unknowing stranger that has become so dear to me.

the morning rain and wind scrub the windows of the dark kitchen. My life is in this solitary place of my experience and not in the things i do. The undrugged coffee and raisin toast brace my body and i see only the heart of me in process through my awareness. I dream the sweet scent of ananda but prepare for the struggle of the drive and the energy of labor. work is the fantasy, my experience is the dream of the SAT filling every bit of me and evolving me throughout my multidimensional nature.
the car glides through the downpour and the rushing traffic slowing and slowing where i would be free. I cruise and quickly arrive, the offices dark and the floor loose and noisy in the hastily constructed offices where i live most of my waking hours. I lunge into the experience of work the computers the emails the responses and research of every interaction and detail. I am truly connected more here than in my spirit , yet i take these connections and convert them to loving energy for all i encounter. my phone voice is softer and more patient yet i still feel the bite of the barracks life here and the man woman tension that seethes under every interchange. I work with my office mate and her lovely self seems too beautiful today as though the anger that usually clouds her senses is driven away in the mornings rainstorm. we often glance into each others eyes and see where truth exists for each of us. the madness of her life is lighter today and i pray her soul is present for the while she has.
today i am ready to solve the one issue that has been holding back my project and all morning between meetings and phone calls and conversations i try the many ideas i have but all come to the same result. Finally we leave to lunch passing up the walk because it seems right to take a break. We enjoy ourselves like two old souls in a rowboat might waiting for the day to pass. and back to work where i have a small interaction with another friend and send her every message of finding her inner being that i can, and even in this corporate monsters soul i cry and feel as vulnerable as a child in my telling of my retreats ananda. Back to my office, an epiphany strikes and i know in an instant the one simple thing that will make my issue vanish and one minute later everything is working and i can put to rest all the suggestions and requirements that all the vendors and consultants had been telling me i would have to do and again, i am the psychic superman and everything is back on track. Feeling so happy i take my leave and in joy begin the long trek home assailed on all sides by drivers with mean and murderous intent.
I arrive and into my dark meditation hall i go, ready to rejoin my lover in waiting, and in the seemingly smoky room i snuggle into my chair and begin a wondrous journey into the heart consciousness of my being that seems to submerge me into a pool of forgetfulness and the weariness of the day dissolves into the bliss of my singing chakras. i awake to the chime and my vision is dark and the room seems a heavy place to breathe. I go to the living room and wife looks at me and says, why is your nose black, and i go to the mirror and my nostrils are full of soot so i rinse them out with fingers turned black and then go to my room, where the lovely white candle in a jar has settled a layer of soot and smoke on everything in the room. I open the windows to the chill but freshening wind and clear the air, wondering how something so white could turn so black.
I emerge to my home computer and turn on the wednesday talk my brother had recorded in Washoe and listen with a happy heart to his dissertations on the uncovering of the little me and the reunion with the big me and the dark journey of the soul that must be made alone and am happy that is all behind me and more than once and wonder where this is all going as he suddenly begins to describe our weekend a month ago when he visited and he made it his decision to help me manifest divine in the short time i have remaining on this planet and how he had decided that he would change my disease to life in me and what had happened at the retreat the bliss and the transformation of my flesh to transcendental life for me and i felt such pure love for his sweet soul and i so truly felt that lust has no desire as i for the divine in his soul. I wept my little me tears of sweet surrender to our big me love and settled deeper in joy in my life in this world beyond the arc of knowing.

friday- work from my home day

i awaken swiftly, without rancor or disorientation. the clock dim and holistic in its flat digital way with its wind chime and white noise alarms, says 5:05 with its grey numerals on a dim yellow background. I saunter to the kitchen, the very center of my house and decaf with my toast of raisins with peanut butter melted on sits perfectly. I have many things to do this day but amazingly everything goes perfectly, like yesterday, all the technical problems seem to solve themselves and in my meetings i am vocal for the real truth of the situations dealing with how we are supposed to adapt to new procedures and strategies. By the time any of these are implemented i am sure i will no longer be affected. my thoughts are again dismissed and my constant listening to the soft whirr in my ears as the chit flows within. I truly am not there and i pass my day slowly, until noon when i can slip away to my meditorium for a quickie with the ananda of my dreams. 45 minutes later i am firmly settled in the descending SAT and have a pleased feeling for i feel both connected and disconnected alive and in a trance. the afternoon i feel playful and dance in my kitchen and explore ways to publish my writing. I think of the local free press and decide i will pick up copies of the street papers later today. after my last meeting i realize i am free to return to my meditation. For 2 hours i am feverish with the chit and i feel the anmanda growing . my lower chakras are drenched in the energy and i feel only sweet oblivion for most of the time. at 6pm i emerge on tippy toes and everything seems surrounded by soft light and bilions of tiny dots of color, the pointillists were right this is the nature of reality. I float from room to room do my laundry prepare coffee and remember i want some decaffeinated tea to drink, the apple cinnamon from work. I drive slowly to the store and purchase a few things for my wife and daughter, i get veggie chips and apricots yogurt and decaf coffee and tea. I marvel at the change in my habits as i am only getting exactly what i want and nothing else, one of my old traits so very gone, getting many and more than i need and now my items are all healthy and part of my new self, i am so in love with this life i now have. at home after the short drive, i sit and enjoy the freedom of my Samadhi and contemplate my awareness. this life this connection that seems to never end, i am truly blessed and revitalized. I remember i wanted to check on my lab results from the doctors visit last week and i log onto my Sharp Hospitals website and connect to my account. I find the lab results page and marveling at the perfect truth of our internet world, i click onto the link. there are my liver panel results, only not like my last screening, i check each one carefully, in a daze and i see that each one is within the normal range, there has been a shift down from the over extended listings of the past, i now sit in the world of the normal, my liver miraculously at peace and not screaming with its endocrinal failure. I wave my hands across the screen and begin to sob with the release of the fear i had been holding, that this is actually happening just as my brother had said, new life is returning or at least normalizing, my liver secretions into my blood are returned to normal. i look for my viral load tests but they are not there, I send my doctor a note asking him to please provide me with these. normally they do not share these as the amount of virus found is considered unimportant rather just the fact that the virus is active is all they glean from this test. I dont even want to imagine that that unchangeable fact could be affected by this miracle of meditation and life force renewal. just that my liver is not outwardly dying is cause for joy enough. I run to tell my wife the happy news and then settle to contemplate my wondrous luck to be with my brother and his attainment and love that still is as strong as the days when we grew up and shared every thought of our adventures in consciousness through high school and college and years afterward. i always following a couple of years behind, the many backpacking adventures and our shared experiences both with love and spirit. truly my brothers have all been catalysts in my growth and my scope of interests and the epiphanies of insight that have come. I return to the meditation hall at 8pm and return to the soft pressure of the SAT upon my forehead and i feel the hand of the force upon my head the fingers lightly pressuring in uneven rhythms on my forehead and my entire body responding as the energy pulses through me. It is a miracle of experiences, so deep and unchanging i am being transformed with every thrum of my existence played and responding. by midnight, i am arisen walking like a zombie in the darkened house and returning to lay in my bed on my back unmoving and unsleeping, dizzily dreaming of exchanges with spirits and long journeys and the unchanging nature of my ascension in my semi wakened state.

Saturday - retreat without me in body

Finally at 5 am i arise, my eyes feeling unrested and my body drunken like a sailor newly christened in a foreign port. I realize its the weekend retreat and no sleep will be coming as i am connected by my very neurons and SATurated being to their experiences. praise the unknowable energetic connection for my unsleeping awareness and divinity realized. here am i in communion with the souls in Washoe sending me their exquisite emanations.

i sit and have my coffee toast feed the cats enjoy the glimmering of dawn through the first clear morning skies of the week and silence pervades me and this house, the clocks tick in unison and the fullness of the moment is complete. i wander to my mediation throne and let go. i do not feel the tiny fingers on my brow but i have no care for the physical sensations. i experience a transparent silence from the totality of my awareness no words no imaginings no distractions, just complete unmoving deep stillness. i feel myself go under and soon realize i am slumped over, still transported still quiescent, my fourth is buzzing with a kind of glassy energy that radiates across my body like a frissioning effervescence that is filled with ananda. i sit slumped over experiencing full blissful awareness. i hear a distant chime and look up to see that almost 2 hours have passed and i am in silent wonder. i hear my wife moving about and i rise to help her prepare for her day out and my salvation for i will be in silence all day.

the morning is unending ananda, gentle, a demur beauty that is always there but never overwhelming. the air soft and almost warm, the breeze with even the slightest cooling just enough to notice the difference but not enough to feel uncomfortable. the yard a sea of living unmanaged an arc of the promise of life come to rest in my backyard, and flourishing from this seasons life giving rains. the birds give the pastoral life its soundtrack unceasing from morning to dark, its sweetness all the more for its untouched simple being undisturbed. I rest as one arisen from the dead and set again upon the most lovely place in all existence and given every luxury and hear only loves surrender to my heart. and this is the moment to be taken to be finally called for there is only this to have in your soul to set you on to your perfect passage from this man made life.
i surrender and sleep walk back to room of discovery and forgetfulness and settle gently, in unison with the Washoe retreat connecting to my fellow pilgrims perfectly rounded energy like a giant mushroom cloud from the nevada testing sites it sits high above the eastern mountains edge and in perfect connection to the undying force that surrounds every atom of existence and i touch that and follow it down to the form and the retreaters in a circle on the ashram floor and i go under in my contemplation forgetting who am i and release this awareness even to the being touching the void.
where i am is gone and how i got back is this instant with my chin against my chest my mouth open crookedly and the legs unfeeling upon a perch of pillows in my candled cave . behind my eyelids is a pattern of a stars energy with a single ray from top to bottom and a shimmering throughout. i am that, a high vibration fills my inner ears, my sensors inside my brain for i hear nothing, as the light carries no signal, i sit unmoving still. and slowly the meaning of my self returns and the thought of when am i returns. i am suddenly connected to my legs and they are frozen as is my chin and mouth. i begin to bring up my chin and the very fabric of my experience shifts. the light becomes external. the room a pattern of responses from physical locations, even with my eyes closed i can see as if through a thin cloth, the candles source, the walled corners and the windows shaded thickness. my thoughts become externalized as if receiving external stimulus and i am gone from the source the well of existence and returned to the bench by the bucket and the dipping ladle. i breathe and there is a force that instills, that connects to this place and i lean forward until my forehead touches the floor. the clock is keeping time and the hour is the afternoon at 1pm. i am returned and struggle ungainly with my human form.
The body eats apricots and water, looks at the pantry and refrigerator as though i were in some one else’s home. i sit and feel the vibrations from the re-entry still pulsing still pushing away my connection to the scene i see and hear around me. i see the mountain of the unwashed detritus of the sink and the counters, my wife gone for the day, my daughter quietly still sleeping upstairs with her boyfriend and the day full in its passage. I decide to do my work today and go shopping for a few things, to go to the new natural foods store and get Echinacea and acidophilus, and to costco for asparagus and artichokes. by the time i am done i have bought my daughter a new camera for her upcoming trip to the virgin islands, waterproof, and more raisin bread and sour cream and a dozen things i thought we should have but who knows i am just in la la land in my connection to the external world. I arrive home satiated with the journey and decide to go for a long walk, i drive to the trail head for the south lake hodges wildlife sanctuary and step into my own sanctuary, miles and miles of empty trails and the gleaming waters of the lake filled with grebes and hawks and ducks, and the low chaparral of the southern califronia climates, made especially verdant from this seasons rains. green covers the usually dun colored hills and everywhere rabbits and lizards shuffle though the underbrush. the lake is magnificent and the waters lightly riffling from the eastering breezes that lightly massage the spring time perfection that bodies of water contain. i walk for miles and sit upon some large rocks perched right atop the lakeshore and stare across the lakes majesty and the green hills and the emptiness of the spaces filled with serenity. i am renewed to this reality this loving home i have here and the wondrous world we share and truly underappreciate. i slowly walk for i am no longer exercising my body but my being to enjoy and expand in the living world where i have been so deeply diving into his. by the time i return, relaxed and satiated inside and out, i see it is time again, to connect to the retreat and sink ever deeper into the SAT. I am truly just settled into my pile of soft cushions, when i forget who am i and the world is gone away, the next i know i am down thrust with my chin, mouth breathing open, some wetness on my lower lip and the rooms dusky light is changed. it is almost 6pm and the moment of connection has become the entire experience of my meditation. i crawl to the floor and stretch , the molecules each puling and vibrating with unmentionable force. the room has become a doorway a hallway between the regions i inhabit one in form one without and here there is only the constant reverberations of great forces struck upon the ringing surface of my soul and sent thrumming through my vital. In the kitchen of my experience i step to the sink and tackle the mess quickly, for i have still the perfection of the professional at his chosen task, to clean the dishes and the counters. by 6:30 pm it is done and dinner is prepared, asparagus, artichoke, broccoli, corn, baked potatoes and foccia bread, and chicken for my family. my daughter comes and prepares her plate as my wife returns from her day enjoying the art festival in little italy with her divinely cute vietnamese friend and she is so bursting with energy and happy that all the work is done and kitchen cleaned and dinner ready. i am too hungry for i have not eaten today, and the foccia bread with vegetables baked on is soft and delicious and i savor every vegetable and its long journey to my table and feel such gratitude that this is another perfect day as all are now that i am no longer traveling without my loves companion, my souls sweet surrender and fruit of every moments sacrifice, the SAT sits with me i feel the energy flowing as i relax after my meal and simply stare into the sunset. I spend an hour in the living room gazing contemplating the changes i am now accepting as the me that was always there not a new or altered state but a more surrendered self, one simply in my purer form supporting my new consciousness even more. and even here i know it is changing, becoming closer to the alignment that will set every energy loose and every awareness open and open the flood of ananda that is surely my birthright for where i am sprung from, there was life’s true cauldron of experiential awareness and this the fruit of that loves training.

Sunday - two weeks from the shores of Galilee

I rise late, dazed from the nights wanderings in my dreams of found and lost paths and flying lords and dancing gopis. I stagger to the kitchen like i am rising from four days missing and a hundred bottles gone, The coffee and toast my vitamins and naturopathic remedies fill me and return my thinking to this world and the day i see before me. I ruminate and collect what thoughts i have and spend time as my daughter leaves for work and my wife sleeps on into the day. I finish the recounting of yesterday into my journal and sit pleased as i reread my life as i remember it.

the mornings passage has turned to mid morning and i move in perfect synchronicity to my pillows and the candle silently burning, the flame expressing perfectly the transformation i am feeling.
i sit and open my inner being alive and in a few short moments am settled silently and without warning the force is pulsing through me as strong as i have ever felt it smooth waves in quick frequency and there is no physical awareness no forehead pressure or heat just the waves unmistakably engulfing me. i feel the pressure and the inner surrender the release of all resistance known or unknown to this magnificent opening. I am carried away in transparent motion, no unconsciousness no drunken feeling just pure vision. I am transfixed by the beauty of its form and substance within me and i feel every particle of my being filled and moved and elongated and freed and flowing with it unending and in my deepest recesses i feel the seed respond and vibrate and then burst forth with an uprising of tremendous force up through my spine until i hear and feel a huge crack in the top of my spine where it becomes my neck and my head is suffused with heat and bubbles and all my muscles feel waxen and wavy with the force moving beneath and through and then like a rocket a roman candle the force melts through what feel like wax plugs beneath my seventh chakra and erupts forth even as the down welling force is pulsing through to my very core. I am transfixed and alive without measure or understanding in joy unsanctioned before in this body. I feel the forces combine and create a hurricane of force in me and around me and a billion points of being explode through my physical anatomy and neurology and every molecule of me is being rewired to connect to the SAT and the Kundalini for sustenance and energy. to each particle of my being is a new connection one silver and one red and each a new direction and source of awareness and bliss and i am itching and scratching at a million places inside me where i cannot touch for every bit of me is new and like a flood of infinitesimal beings hard at work my body is chewed up excreted and rebuilt from the remains into an ethereal palace of the divine and I see my self as a hurricane of forces moving in all directions but contained as one sealed upon the other until this huge sphere is created and it is surrounded in a ball of crystalline white cosmic force and that is my new self this sphere of forces intermingling and surrounded by pure light of being. I feel that enter the very center of my renewed and unbelievably light self the temple of my self the very tabernacle of my energetic awareness.

and every joint of me stretches and snaps and pops and every bit of my skin explodes with a wash of pure light and the flow of unknown pure energies and i feel the elixir of my life flowing in every neuron and capillary and muscle and bone and marrow and my spine is bubbling with the fizzing being of the SAT returning and exploding with communion and i sit in silence and transparent amazement at what has become of me and i cannot move and the pure unexperienced energy flows newly freed and flowing unstoppable through the newest of my connections and i feel the energy from every point of my being come to life. and it will not end it pours like the mightiest river through the channels brought to life in me. i am hurled through all of existence and my spirit flies free of this form in ecstasy and i fly to my love embarking on her flight from spain and i embrace her and we speak the tongues of fire in each others love and then I am transported to my brothers retreat and the floor in the atrium of the ashram where all still sit silent and i see 8 flames burning in the same flower I am feeling and i embrace his very light and we are one for a single instant of our eternities together and i am flown again to the very center of the source of my expansion and the force overwhelms me as my being is flooded in the SAT even more than i had thought now possible. i am deep in my form and flesh renewed and i am so light and refreshed and there is no ending this . i sit unmoving for hours. And i fall to the floor before me and stare into the very center of the carpet and see the flames of the universe increasing. i lay and stretch a billion cells wide and lay staring into eternity with my eyes wide open. the afternoon is well on it way and the light is fantastic and full of love. I stand and feel like i am floating free. i erupt in to the house and move about amazed and in perfect wonder of my new creation. I step outside and the sun powers me and fills me with pure life. I decide to walk to bring this new found life fully into me through the motion of the muscles in this incarnation and forms complete acceptance. I begin the motion of the body and everything is filled with the colors of the lights that have filled me , the deep purples, the intense reds and deep blues and the silver reflections of the force in every surface. I find a rhythm i have never felt before between the joints of my feet and knees and hips and back, and i am truly walking in a sacred pattern through sacred lives and with sacred intention.

I return to my home after a couple of miles as i am not exercising, not pushing or straining for some physical reward but to integrate my expanded awareness and my sense of supreme serenity into my physical being. This i have done and i feel complete and harmonious with my body, no longer floating and staring into unworldly vistas. I look at my front yard overgrown and beginning to go to seed after the months of especially heavy rains. I get the weed eater and trim all the grasses and weeds to a manageable height and then sweep. The manicured areas are small but now more pleasing to the eye. in the house i wash the dishes and counters and then go the back yard and weed the flowerbeds, feeling the pure joy of the tiny blossoms and the mindless expansion of the weeds. I love the greens and the bright reds and purples of the yard, the palms and elms and firs, the diseased yet stable oleanders and the orange tree pushing out hundreds of new fruit. I am in love and it seems to radiate from my very core and everything around me is vibrating with the energy. I go indoors and shower, feeling the wondrous flow of warm water and rub every inch of my body feeling the strength and form of my skin and muscles. everything is truly new and unexpected in its perfection. I fix my room and wash one last load of clothes that have been sitting since the retreat, jackets and sweatpants and long johns that i havent needed. Then it is time for supper and Pam prepares wonderful rice and vegetables as I talk to my friend from Hawaii, and it is the story not only of the retreat but of todays opening and i can hear the unbelieving and amazement in his voice as he says this is not so amazing that after 20 years you finally have this happen. Its not like you should be surprised. and he is right, this is my hobby and second calling and my true belief and now my aspirations manifestation and i am just realizing that it is exactly what i wanted and i shouldnt be surprised at all, but ready to move on, and he like everyone else says, so when are coming over, when are you quitting your job. and that is the real next step, the step back away from the interactions of the unenlightened into the flow of the energy and force of the self created prophet and holy man. I realize after the call, that i have very little hunger, but i have a bowl of vegetables and tofu and a slice of bread. As usual, its delicious and i am full, and i move to the dishwasher and put away the dishes and rinse what has accumulated. My wife is busy moving all of lucas's toys from my meditation hall where i they have been kept, as this used to be his overflow play room when there was too much going on in the living room. But now that i have relinquished that room, he is free to have it all he wants. A new play table and corner is all set for him and i am thankful i now have my table and chair returned to me for my mediation hall. and the evening begins and at 8pm i decide for the first time since the retreat, to slip into my jacuzzi and relax, as my body needs some love and i some escape. I slip into the waters and no projection TV and sound just the soft whirring bubbles and the dark night sky above. and i sit with my cup of water and silence my thoughts. the evening is supreme in its love of the dark quiet. each second is wrapped in a hidden meaning one without knowing except that it is a time for secrets to be let loose. i lay still and thankful as the stars sit unmoving above. The evening is close to done and i return to my room and prepare for sleep. I listen to my brothers talk from the weekends silent retreat and marvel at how the energy is there coming from the speakers as not only sound but the very symbologies of sense patterns are saved and replayed through our simple sound recording devices. i love the sound of his voice and the soft words and noises of his retreaters around him. I am with them and this moment is that moment recreated and i am traveling through time to where they were and i am. I realize i have slipped into a dream and open my eyes to the kitchen, darkened as the light are all off and only the led’s from a dozen devices light the room in reds and blues and i feel, again transported to the living world of my kundalini and SAT consciousness and ananda and smiling i stumble to my bed and a long nights sleep.

Monday, 25th of april - the evening is roughly punctuated by some devilish device i had found and thought to use to time my mediations, but now it rings at every hour and i rouse only enough to realize i am not asleep and then to return to my dreams unending. and by the time the 4am ring has sounded i awaken knowing i have slept through a couple of its purposeless alarms and i feel the hardness of my self and the amazing strength of that member to please me and i touch it and feel its lure and i am pleased and thankful for its wondrous sense of sweet sex it sends me but i am only happy and not horny and i wake and start the coffee and take my morning shower, drenching myself in the waters that have always been my connection to this plane of existence and the refreshing of my covenant with life.
like food and drink, sex is now a silent partner and not a voting member of my new corporation of existence. I am a man made of devotion and wonder linked to purpose and intention no longer the subject of physical needs.

the road is long but the way is smooth and unhurried. The darkness is made pleasing with thousands of lights winging across the roads each with its own master and evident purpose, each a human in misery lost in the intention of his desires. I hear the voices as they go by the sounds of their thoughts and yearning and the veil of their understandings. each a heart in passionate longing, each a frustration of knowing and loss of communion. the road goes ever on and no man is a stranger to the traveler without a destination.

work is the reason for my prescriptions and conflict for in my heart i am free and flying untouched yet my physical is chained to this office and these tasks as a dog is chained to his yard. i am working on the smallest of things while my nature is floating with most of my consciousness unhooked and dreaming in a state of pure bliss, this i know is my Samadhi. the day is unremarkable for its lack of meetings and deadlines but i am stuck gazing from my window in perfect rapture with everything i see. I am in communion with the life force expressed everywhere and all its desirous attributes are exposed to me. I would gaze forever at these forms and the glow that substantiates them into this existence. all are perfectly connected to me and i feel them as i do my own self. where there is love returned i am transported with fervent haste to bliss and float as light as a feather on the breeze i walk through during my lunch. the sanctuary the wildlife refuge is wholly man made and seemingly empty of birds today as the breeze ripples the ponds as it blows from off the nearby pacific, the bushes crowd the trails and lizards and unseen animals rustle the underbrush as i walk serenely through the maze of ponds and workmen tidying up this wild domain. i feel the rapture of my new religion, my advancement to the inner circle of the initiated. i would be anywhere but in my office and this hours walk is setting my soul freer and higher than even yesterdays opening. I am struck by my awareness and ananda both sinking into my being like a thick penetrating oil to lubricate my expanded energy system. I float above myself and around myself, i am aware of a giant nexus of being everywhere i set my awareness, in many dimensions not seen but intuitively experienced. I feel the hundreds of layers of existence and self expanding throughout the cosmology of experiential understanding and feel the wealth of the connections and communications from every aspect of my grasp of existence. this world is only the holder of the senses and many others exist in perfect synchronicity like expanding waves of a single sound echoing through layers and layers of ethereal mediums each more encompassing and fulfilling than the one before the sound ever reflecting the very nature of the dimensions it crosses. i am the receiver tuned to each vibration and frequency undulating with every tickle of the dial and the response of the enhanced equipment wired into the very source of manifestation connected to every reflection of the true nature of awareness. the bliss settles throughout and i am floating as i touch the ground and my eyes look through the world and see the stars releasing the unending waves of existence from the nuclear destruction of the source of all structures. great waves of energy blow through me and the solar flares are riding on a storm of the SAT rushing to connect deeper into my very root and source of my separation and communion.

in worlds flowing through gravity wells and polar alignments and the precession of adjustments to my footfalls and far seeing to horizons invisible to all but i there is drum of my heart and the sound of my footfalls and the measurement of each that sends me in a spiral of communication with the physical world i am devoured in and i set my course directly to the way i have walked a thousand times and pass back into the world that has no meaning except to encase this form. what is meaning or understanding of the divine beings i am with every day in their own experiences inches from me commingled with my awareness shred in my consciousness and their feelings lighting up my external facing energy field that absorbs and filters the universe of my immediate experience and most minute examination. for these are all the souls captured and sent to learn what it means to have to struggle for what had been given in the spirit. the divine communion of the self and the true beings soul force. that which was not divinely experienced but rather in the most fundamental way ignored and misused for what would be thought of as the declination of the aspiration to matters undivine and fully transitory, and so these are the fallen the angels of limited measure forced to work for their redemption in the school of divine retribution where every step is made difficult and every restriction is imposed as that which could have been the moments inspiration and communion is now lifetimes of experiences and unknown self indulgences trapping the soul deeper and deeper in a pit that has no exit but one and that is hidden even from the most enlightened. and here we are all staring into the same wall of flesh and eons of chains and prisons and walls that enclose our every experience and the path is not made lighter by what is gathered or achieved or taken or plundered yet is more arduous for the efforts. what seems to be freedom is slavery of the most hideous sort and what is death is really life finally making sense. what is there to do but bring the only salvation the only communication that can supply even a chance of their release and that is the energy of pure compassion, love, of their true divinity stored and untouched by human time or experience, eternally in transit waiting on the bench of the connection to our divine transport.
and i am in my office and the window has no glass for me and the world is right here with me and so are all the worlds that touch this one. i complete my duties whatever they are and send this body back to the closest point on this earth to the divine, my meditation pillows.
there the world slips away and i feel the deep enveloping darkness of the SAT and i am taken, i awake to congestion in my lungs and heaviness in my breathing, the legs and arms struggling with the force. I sit and try to reengage but there is something pulling me away another thought and it is my love, she called from the airport returned from her lover in Spain and as as i am she is even more for she has had her experience of a lifetime, that which she is always divining for herself, the next entry point the next liftoff to a space of undreamed love and communion beyond this existence and through new layers of consciousness. and i know that she has been living her authentic life and her natures reality and for that she is being given every opportunity to expand and grow as i will too once i separate myself from the trappings of my worldly existence and rely only on the divine to care and protect me. i feel her so strongly i cannot sit, but she is not online and i feel so dreaming and out of my body and i sit practically unconscious to this world. and i prepare food and eat it and then slip into my jacuzzi for some peaceful meditation of the evening sky and by the time i return to the house all is silent and the wife is asleep and in the darkness i feel the fullness and the emptiness of my awareness and the struggle for light in the dark and the dream of the blackness in the fullest of the light, and in from her school steps my daughter and so much love is in my heart for her lovely self and i talk gently with her and she is so caring and sensitive and practical and i am so glad for her and we hug and say our goodnights. I read my brothers e-mail and he says he is so happy i am going through the merger and this will become my natural state soon. and he is loving my writing as i had sent him the excerpt of my blog from sunday so he could know what i am going through, and i forward this to my love so when she has a chance she can see this too.
i sleep but the rest is short.

Tuesday - the bliss continues

i wake a 3am the darkness full of unseen light and i again full of the desires of life the moment of consciousness of the physical enrapturement. I enjoy the feeling the silky smoothness of my skin and the textures of my bodies experiences as i fully enter this physical dream state. I throw back my heavy covers which cocoon me every night and stand erect in the dark, unbalanced for a second as i see perfectly from the tiny glow of the full moon outside barely filtering through the closed shades of my window. My day is begun, shower decaf raisin peanut butter, i am prepared and still dreaming, meditating as i sit and see the day before me as if it were already done.

This day this wondrous day for i am totally in bliss from the moment i set forth. The buzz of my consciousness is both physical and beyond the senses, i am diving in a deep ocean of love and awareness. The world is filled with my life and the SAT connecting and in communion at all times. The computer is a means of creating more connections. I want to be connected to my love to simran, to her experience for i feel her soaring wondrous being connected as the heart and soul from her nature to the mother and there am i in that flow and feeling of pure found being in love. i complete my review of monday for my loving self in every soul that might read these words, for this is part of my sadhana, my dharma, the path to my own expansion is to be forever sharing forever accepting of whatever is given and i can accept. for if this is to be the truth it must be what happens, not what i want to happen or imagine will happen or even what i make happen. it is what is given and the concept of the outside force unknown to me having such willful nature to take this action this movement outside of my identification with the being, there is the truth come to me.
i am in love and after my duties are concluded, i begin to write that which is my ananda through the words that flow from my consciousness into my heart and through my fingers without a will of my own, and in the writing of my greatest love, she comes online to me with her salutation always "Love"
and i am in heaven. we share the trip she has taken and the master that revealed her own paths direction and images of pure devotion and pure connection to the soul of love in this incarnation. Her guru nature and soul of fire pierce my heart with divine love and i am so swept into tears of love and passion and my doors are closed and i turn to look out the windows so i wont be seen in such rapture and then i write and write and write to her and realize, she is not there and i am suddenly left without that which i need so passionately and i feel that dread human attachment eating my heart and my ananda turns to intense pain and suffering and the misery is like a cement weight dragging me down into the hell of my agitated vital where the demons of want and needing and flesh and decay tear at my own soul which is suddenly so made of sensitive flesh and not spirit at all, and i am in tears again but not from joy but absolute destitute despair and loss. the cliff face before me is insurmountable and i cannot climb it, and dung is flung upon me and the very offal of the demons spawn is the very essence of my flesh. i am crushed in my descent.
i am in the wash of the extreme ananda let loose in the human vital and i despise my attachments to the human form and the source of all my pain. and i finally take up my phone and call her and she is there. telling me she is in pain and injured and could not type back to me and we are like two children in our drying tears of happiness to realize each was not trying to shut out the other but rather her computer was frozen, her body cut and bleeding and i had gone to a meeting and neither could go beyond our lost connection except for me to reach up and out to her and its all fine now and i am again soaring through my highest ananda for her vibration is mine in perfect harmony and together we create such a tidal wave of love i am soaring through a sea of unleashed pleasure and perfection. there is no limit to this bliss in either direction and i realize that my human emotions must be burned out burned down to the core of the universal the divine entity within. I part from her love and she from mine only to take my lunch walk through the preserve and my steps are the steps of a child in wonder and everything is the divine without touching the divine within and i feel the very essence of what all creation is, the perfection of matter and the magic of its energy. I find a feather on the trail and feel its flight and its perfection to lift the wind its perfect marriage of form to purpose and even my hand holding it is suddenly weightless and moving with the air and i am truly transported. I sit in simran and am gone, the pure SAT descending and knowing i have only my hour i rise after a few minutes and am no longer of this body but of my true multidimensional state and my awareness is all around me and every creature sits with me and the birds do not fly away at my soft approach and the very world is soft beneath my step. I again sit and watch the wonder of the flock of seabirds flying in perfect play in follow the leader as dozens of long winged birds fly in swooping pattern round and round this way and that, touching a wingtip to the water and i am transported as they are in the perfect play with the mothers manifestation of our love in her energy. i wind my slow way back fully expanded and in perfect harmony to my glass and steel monastery and my simple cell where i reconnect to my love and she asks, was you walk good? and i tell her it was a journey a pilgrimage of love. and i begin to describe the walk, and again i realize she is not there and i suddenly go into my descent and pull back slowing my fall and i take the phone and call, and she does not answer,
i leave her a message, and ask if her computer has frozen again, and now i am trusting she is busy with her friend and not just closing our eternal connection for it is my expanded vital nature that is the joker here and i must remain somehow in balance with what is actually happening. and in that moment she calls, and she is with her friend and she has to run an errand and she will call me back. and the day is settled again and suddenly i realize i am not well, i feel like i am tied down in the desert and my red ants are crawling all over me and i am cooking and burning in this wasteland. I feel my stomach in knots my head pounding and its the feeling i remember from long ago when after having been through a hysterical grief and the body is totally destroyed form this and my eyes sore and reddened i am exhausted, i get myself water for i realize i am indeed dehydrated and the walk which took 90 minutes was under clearing skies but still very filled with the ultraviolet radiation. and i am returned somewhat refreshed from the water. The soul of me knows this roller coaster is out of control and i must be stabilized soon. It is time at last to go home and i travel quickly to my meditation room and sink into the drenching and unconsciousness of the SAT descending. The self is connected to the souls being and the stabilizing finally takes place.
The evenings call with Siddhartha is my joy as every word he speaks creates new expansion in me and i feel that love connection he speaks of and i am drunk with the ananda and i feel so happy to be connected to everyone on the call and their perfect devotion to this magic of love consciousness coming through us all from the connection to my most amazing brother.

wednesday - day of work and sacrifice

The morning seems dark and indeed its raining and clouded. I am showered and coffeed and toasted for my baptism of loves new day, I feel the pulse in me the rawness of my heart and lungs taking in and releasing the reality i must accept around me. where is this place and why am i in such a dimension of being. I exist seemingly as a tourist in this form. my carrier is aging and feeling the pain of used parts and dread slowness of age, yet i am the sprite within, young ageless perfect in the idea of myself and my experiences. my attachments are all that keep me here of this i am sure. the pull to this intersection of spirit and being and self and form must be the desire of the self for the rest is free unalloyed unwedded to any time or place. i the self the evolving nature of my beings growing connections to the external universe is what is sweetly holding the divine to this experience. I accept this and only wish to have the most of the divine for the rest of my tour of this holy world.

the vehicle is sturdy and powerful and the four wheels sing below the thrumming power of the small engine crafted with true love by the master of the intricacies of the mechanical magic that streams through our natural resources without a care. I am flown as a bird on the wind to my work and the morning is dark outside. I settle into my routine of writing and making huge compromises in my ability to connect to the one nature of the universe that is responding to me above all else. I sit and marvel at the connection that pulses in my 3rd chakra and tingles in my crown. The day is a mess of focused work and writing of many documents and technical installations that i do without complaint though it takes forever and i must work through my lunch when my sweet walk would bring me such needed re communion of my spirit. My love is in the pain of too much love too much connection, she longs for the master and the sweet expansion of his 4th with hers. She can barely talk and still her physical pain endures and keeps her grounded without a care for her passions. Like a man i try to think of ways to keep her from feeling too much but soon i realize there is only going into it feeling it more and more and having that which what she truly is and all i want her to be for me and for everyone she touches. i am soon lost in the delirium and glad the long days work is done for it has taken me away from myself a notch and i hurry to return to my pillows of fortunes reward in the pink room of my sweet abandonment. As i drive i call her and she is deep in the spirit lust and i can hear the slur of her words as the lips are thick with the taste of desire. I tell her we are getting into the serious stuff now, her mission and my expansion are taking us out of the playing area and into the real business of our spirits. She has to reach out to all the masters and connect with each of them expand her connections and communion with the force of love being channeled to this physical plane and sacrifice her ordinary life , she is not meant to work or do ordinary chores, and i must sacrifice to be balanced between my expansion and my grasp of this world and functioning here we both must be the keepers of our love and dominions. we stumble through me encouraging her and loving her and being so expanded just being in connection with her and my words slur and my eyes begin to close and the freeway is so far away and she says, ok i am hanging up now, you drive carefully , and i am back slowly to my tasks of road redemption and avoiding the other travelers whisking to their unending destinations. The next i know i am in the house and in the room and changed into my loose gowns and stepping into the SAT and then i am gone, and suddenly i am aware again and i marvel at the experience i have that seems incongruous with what others have, they tell me the go under and the hours seem like moments and time disappears for me the instant that i am gone seems like eternities but only minutes pass, and i am back in the room aware of the distance i have just traveled in the blink of an eye and i long to be back there. but my body and energetic being are drowned in the pulsing SAT and Chit and Ananda and the pains that have been absent for the last few days are returned, the shooting one the goes from base to skull up my spine and the shoulders and ankles throbbing. I am pounded by the force descending and wonder if i will be flattened like a ball of silly putty the imprint of my features spread and distorted over the pillows beneath me. I sit for what seems like days and 90 minutes go by and finally i can take no more as i stretch out on the carpet before me and pray to the god in the center of the rug universe to help me stand.

I go to the kitchen, aware i have not eaten for the last 15 hours and idle about the refrigerator numbly selecting my choice. as usual a bean and rice burrito with artichoke hearts is so quick and easy i am soon sitting with it and glad for its simplicity and nutrition, the gooey mass with the hearts aflame in the center. I decide i am in such pain to go directly to the cycling jets of my hot tub and stare into the setting evening skies where beautiful clouds mostly obscure the still light blue skies after sunset. the evening becomes a wash of liquid wonderment and warmth and i sip my water and am so grateful for my fortunes and my experiences especially in this time of my awareness. the sky fades into evening and i watch three helicopters glide overhead pulsing red lights and whirring rotors into the deepening north sky below the heavy clouds.
i return and check if my love has come on line i send her one word and then surrender to myself as my only reality and return to the pillows and the candle of my devotion. I am taken away and with full authority gone and unaware until 11pm when i roll from my perch smoothly under my covers and sleep.
the dreams are intense and wonderful in their clarity
I am in the wooded lands of the north, the redwood countries and there is a feeling of being in the most rural of areas and i am walking a small road to little collection of civilization where i enter a bank and know everyone there and we are friends and the local sheriff is a large woman with big american smile and in the bank there is a diner and people are sitting on the stools eating and i know i have done that too many times and i step outside and then a man walks up to me and hands me the check for his lunch and i realize he is a beggar that i had bought lunch for many times before and now he was demanding i pay like it was my duty to pay and i grab him and send his head through a wall of sheetrock and hold him there and call the sheriff and tell her to take him away, i am not paying for his food. and i walk away down the road, and into the trees and i know i am getting close to my house nearby and i see a volkswagen van go past through a cross street ahead and i realize its my van, and Siddhartha is driving it and in the van are all my brothers and much supplies and camping equipment and they drive on, and i run after them waving wondering why they are not stopping to see me if they are so near to my place, and the van stops and Siddhartha gets out smiling and Ralph and George and john is there too. and Siddhartha says, i love this van, i have ordered one for myself and a new Macintosh computer. and i say well you should get one of these, and i pull out a small plastic form about 3 feet long and unsnap the compartment on the front and it turns into a small jet helicopter that we can all somehow sit in and we take off flying low and through tunnels and they want to eat so i say lets go to the diner, so we fly to the bank and walk in and the inside has been transformed to a cheesy convention dining room with folding tables and chairs and hundreds of like shriners or some organization, getting drunk and jabbering and all the bored waitresses are going table to table and i we realize that we won’t be able to just sit and get a meal so we leave the hall and everyone piles on the helicopter and leaves but i am left there with my wife’s sister, my brothers second wife and we walk into the downtown of some city and she is telling me that she is pregnant and she is sure her child is the next messiah and this for some reason excites me as i carry her upon my back fully pregnant and my sex expands and lengthens and sticks out below the leg of my pants and i look down and stop to cover myself up, and she says why are you doing that and i say i dont know it just filled me with strange lust to hear you tell me you slept with the guru and now your bringing the next messiah into the world, and she says well you just ruined it for me, and i am bent over carrying her pregnant form on my back and wondering why is this happening and the wash of white noise fills my ears
and the alarm has gone off..... 4:30 am
the Thursday of my dreams is here and i dont know where or when i am because i was so real in my dream and this seems somehow insubstantial and i wander in the dark trying to find a light.

the morning drive is a magical mystery tour along the hills and coast with a lingering bank of clouds stretched a little above the horizon. dancing behind is the setting full moon and its beautiful luminosity shines silver edges from behind the clouds, reminding me of the Miyazaki dreamscapes where the finely etched perfection of the landscapes and countrysides is unbearably beautiful, the air is marvelous and i have started this morning well with the concentrated essences of fruits and vegetables in powdered capsules. i am delirious with the unceasing beauty of everything i perceive. The day is wonderful in its balance and brevity. all things proceed with quick regularity and sharpness. I am solidly myself and keep the seat of the being always in my heart and mind. i am surprised when people look at me and say, so the retreat has finally wore off. and i look smiling at them, no never. i feel ever so settled and not anxious about my state yet i am also fine with the performance of the dull duties of my responsibilities. in the midst of my orderly fashions i write down a small epiphany on the nature of awareness and its reflection of the truly unknowable truth of what cannot exist yet creates all that we know. I chat briefly with my love and she is well cared for as she has been deep still in the throes of loves forever passion for communion and her devotees have taken it upon themselves to keep her under their careful if possessive watch.
i smartly wrap up my days work and leave without a care except to arrive safely into my cave of satwic entreaty to the forces beyond comprehension and their love affair with me. I am slowed down and always my thoughts are on the nature of awareness and the experiences i am surrendering to. i do not even notice driving in the heavy traffic of the late afternoon. i slow below the speed limit and remain unfazed by motion until i stop at my driveway.
the door of my room is open and the grandchild is collecting his toys and moving them out. my wife approaches me and asks, before you go off to la la land and move to hawaii and get all spiritual like your brother, just do me one favor and get the house refinanced before you go please. And i see this as the sign she is finally accepting what i am going through and is facing the reality of what is coming. I want to hug her so tight but i must remove myself to my practice.
the door is closed, i am dressed in full sweats and my jacket and socks. i put on the hood of my sweatshirt and take the half lotus position. within minutes the force is like white heat from a rocket engine blasting down through my head and torso, the pressure is as great as i have ever felt. i am paralyzed and uneven in my features as my very skin is pushed down from my cheekbones and my jaw aches and shudders. the arms and legs and back are under dire pain and the pressure is squeezing the muscles. i calmly remain upright after initially going unconscious and slumping like a broken pot forward, imagining i need a crutch to hold up my forehead like a bending limb on an overburdened fruit tree.
the force is dynamic and unstoppable and i realize the merger is coming and i surrender everything to the experience. the chakras are flowing and bursting the legs going numb and my mind is feeling the clarity for the moment. after a long time the pressure drops into my torso and the energy changes to the feeling of a live electric wire whip slashing back and forth across the inside of my midsection. I can see the red and black wire snaking through me wildly sending off a deep vibration everywhere it touches. i uncross my legs and notice the force spreads out and becomes slightly gentler for a few minutes, then it begins to expand from my navel out and up and down like a wave and i am suddenly expanding like a huge cloud of pressurized gas and the feeling is wonderful overwhelming in its intense smooth opening. I recross my legs but now with the right leg on top and suddenly i feel a sharp shift in the intensity and concentration of the force coming from my root chakra and the energy begins to bubble fiercely and rise up the column of my spine. i begin to burp uncontrollably and feel nauseous and wonder if i will vomit with the spasming of my stomach, the burping continues despite the fact that i have had nothing to eat or drink for 7 hours. the force rises sharply and i feel every chakra it rises through suddenly expand and concentrate with unrestrained life force the throat suddenly expands and the neck cracks and the psychic is wide open and the undulations of the rising force are peaking as it expands through the 7th and flows brilliantly outward. my vision is gone through every phosphorescent color and now i see thousands of purple elephants flying with bat like wings and each with a grinning piglet riding on its back and this i know is the energy i am feeling, Ganesh and his cohorts the luck and love of the universe is filing me and i feel my every cell expanding with the energy, my skin is suddenly inches thick and i feel every pore breathing and i am absorbing the very charged air of my meditation hall through these pores, each cell red and gold and silver lit and glowing all through me and i am exalted and unafraid of any human matter i have been made god and love and unimaginable majesty once more and the merger squeezes my being into pure communion with the unknowable SAT and consciousness becomes a drug to this form. I am breathing like a madman and every breath is tinged with the lace of expansion and its cold finger of pure force and the rush of adrenaline without the crazy jittering just the bursting feeling of aliveness continue unaware of my surroundings for untold gaps of time. when i return to my senses, i tell myself, this i will do until it ends there will be no stopping or doing anything else, there is nothing else. and I sit for 4 hours in perfection. when i can finally rise, i light a candle and begin my ancient yoga practice and every joint and muscle and bone cracks the pops until finally when i lay down and crack my spine such a huge re alignment at my hip takes place i am again sent into kundalini madness as i lay on my most holy floor. the world is spun and done and i am one with all there is and even touching the void i return with all my fingers and breath again and again until i am home and safe in the divine self and wrapped in my loving self and form. i return to my pillows and silently feel the return of the force down welling and strong and remain pulsing smoothly in my realigned physical form for another hour.
i finally emerge to go to the bathroom and i prepare myself for the warm jets of my jacuzzi and sit staring at the clouds and stars in the darkness in perfect wonderment of what is happening to me. oh glorious being of eternal awareness i am thine forever and nothing will stop my lust for thee.
The night has a thousand eyes and none of them are sleepy, only the visions in my soul exist and they never slumber only move and shift and cry out with their newfound awareness. the body roils and twists the dreams are the half waking half experiencing world of madness that expands from the ananda and explores through the consciousness of the unreserved self , the unconscious touching the maddening desires and fulfillments of the external self and the unleashed natural state of the inner self. the body is in fleshy panic and the inner expressions are unstoppable. i see the world in the faces of all i have known and their selves love me and i them and we share high school fantasies and lovers paradises and unworldly passions while staggering through the covers weighing down my body like the lead shield used for x-ray protection. i am physically massaged and adored and psychically impersonal to the scenes of debauchery and deflowering. all is a mad orgiastic paradise and liquid wonderment that cant be stopped and i sweat and cry and utter sounds of passion alone in my hall of prayer.
the hours drag unbearably for i don’t wish these dreams upon me but am helpless to resist for i am the one in love and loving and unbearably divine within and without and all are my worshippers and there is no altar but my body consecrated in the flesh and made crystalline with satisfaction. i lay exposed and covered in the caresses of my dreams and die a thousand lies of the deceits of the skin and the too soft pillows of desires. where this goes i follow as a horse and bridle walked through the paths of the unholy cemeteries of the passed and fallen. for here i am truly dead and the soul is in phoenix and the ascension still under ashes of littered remains.
the clock is silent for there is nowhere to go this morning, i look and the hour is early, 3:45 and it seems to short a passage of time for the hysteria of the mardi gras i have experienced, i try to close my eyes and soon i feel the heat recede and my body has a respite of silent unwakening. at the hour of 6am i am aware i have been asleep and feel the slight chill of the air and wonder what i will be today, mad bliss, saturnine awareness, depressed man child , worshipping love slave i have no idea and with some trepidation i throw back the heavy covers and rise slender to my senses and emptied as a vessel left laying on its side. the earth seems secure beneath me and i propose to accept this reality under me. i feel satiated yet i would have my morning habits, my coffee and raisin toasts for they make me feel a kinship with this bodies nature and the pills of the concentrate will be my experiment continuing through the month of May and yes I know what day and time and place and i am sure this will be a most wonderful experience.
All is the silence of the loved and sleepiness surrounds the house as the suns near dawn is come and the green and browns of the backyard pervade my senses through the many windows of my kitchen. Out the front i walk and the red and purple flowers mixed with the orange nasturtiums and green vines and grasses and yellow roses are delights that my eyes can taste. i smell the fresh air of the day beginning and i am revived and rearranged for this planet is heaven and i the angel of its enjoyment.
Inside, i write and pour my love into this what you see before you and i give you everything for my heart is so in love with you and myself for we are one and the same forever. and he phone rings and as i talk about simple work matters from my kitchen from my forwarded work number i notice the ananda builds and my awareness expands and where before by myself in the kitchen i felt just perfect contentment and awareness now that i am interacting with another being , my ananda ascends and i am transported my breath becomes strong and the heart like a satin pillow compressing and releasing, the crown chakra expanding and i ascending through it to my love conciousness and this is amazing. i am fully engaged in my bliss and feel so filled with love from one small interaction. my life expands and blossoms, i float above myself and feel every bit of my physical nature in dreamy smooth caressing and i am flying under water and through the air glistening.
The day is a lilting symphony for my ananda, I am pressed to duties yet each sparks in me a huge shift into my bliss awareness. i am safely at home where it is only myself to see the eyes glaze and feel the crown expand and unsteady set down my cup and drop my head to my lap and weep, for this is the river of my devotion and these are the pillars of my creation come to block me. come the noon hour, i go walking through the divine garden of the lake trail and every sight is pure majesty, everything is green and golden, the hills. the fields the flowers are everywhere in all colors and the day is sparkling as the waterfall i rest by during my 90 minute walk. It is as if i am weightless and could walk forever and i would and i dream of taking my VW van and just driving stopping wherever beauty and the SAT would lead, and even stopping for my love and rescuing her too. and this is such a sweet thought i walk for a mile with just that intention ringing through me.
returned, i spend many hours in meditation and only respond to direct inquiries and commands. I work until late as there are slumbering entities that only rise when the workweek is due to complete and their needs are fierce and their senselessness is palpable in my labored breathing.
the evening meditation lasts for hours and i am fully engaged in the nothing of the SAT, in the highest sense the focus is upon the very unbeing the objectless existence without a name. i am serenities child and the whisper of the bliss borne lover is silent and sweet. when i awaken and find the room pitch black i wander out into this newly consecrated awareness and my family is safe and warm and the tv is loud and somehow i was unaware but now it seems like thousand decibels and they turn it down and look at my like i am a refugee newly deposited in their arms.
i am twisted in my spine for the fracture is painful and the long sittings have taken their toll. i long for the morpheus of the poppy and its sweet release but none is at hand. i swim to my hot tub and stare for the first time in weeks at a clear sky and hundreds of gleaming stars each a point of mystery in a puzzle of universal madness.

my love calls me, she is in divine weeping madness for the merger is deep in her and there is nothing to stop its unending force in her sweet system. She has called to tell me she is done, going into silence, be not calling or writing, and then all she can say is uhun uhun to my questions, and i know we are finished here, our merger we began 6 years ago is finally now truly come and not aborted as before and now we can go our ways though i always thought this would be the crown of our love, the dual merger both into the perfection of the being and with each others divine love. but she has made every effort to make that not happen, as she has held back from her own merger even in the presence of the undying masters that she spent the last 5 years with. now i am alone and i do not deny it is a hard step for me. i had planned to go see her today but work was first and maybe it is i that is keeping us apart with my damnable schedule and earthly desires and whatever it is i am cast in the stone of her decision and my actions and the pillow races up to meet me as i dive into my only companion, and wait, and wait and my thoughts become a block to the experience and look soul deep to feel the chit sneaking in and i am aware of nothing in me and i feel truly friendless and sit for hours unchanging unfeeling untransformed.
some time in the silence i crawl to my bed, and actually sleep without a dream or a desire in me.

Saturday - May Day
3:45 and the room is cold and the lcd of the tiny clock is all the light there is yet it is enough for me to see my emptiness. i am forlorn still and i lay tired and sleep again until 5:45.
the morning is a masterpiece of pink and rosy hues the predawn light loving and full, no clouds only a baby blue sky rising. I am in love with sunrise and i am a morning light, today would be the dance of the children to the gods of fertility and i have the erection to prove it. I saunter aroused into the kitchen and feel the warmth of my own sex and wonder when this would ever leave me. for it has been my constant companion and trickster throughout my life. i make the coffee and toast and prepare my new smoothie mix with all the vegetable and fruit concentrate and its truly delicious with my psycillium.

an easy hour passes, the morning is fully born and i with it. i am not alone any longer nor am i full of my arousal. i am serene and have many family duties and those i wish i could pass. as jesus at the wall prayed, to let this suffering be passed to another and not to me and it is, for the family and friends have seen little of me for the past month. and the yard needs the work as the weeds are now dry stickers that latch hundreds with every quick walk to the composter. which means clearing the garage to get to the lawn mower which has never been run by me but now i think it must for only the mower will package up these millions of stickers, else they will fill house and clothes for the entire summer.
i feel the burden of the life i have created, i am the mountain and the bundle of sticks, i am the water from the well to be carried, all is this and i all of it. I used to love the doing now it is like cleaning the very latrines of the conquerors. not the gentle whisk of a brush and cleaner but the giant buckets of sludge and stink and the slavery of the decline of all we hold possible in our ascension.
i whisper a small prayer of gratitude for my unending exaggeration and smile at my similes for i am truly content and on a journey like no other i have ever taken.
every action has its price and its defined compensations. the work i must do is a struggle of rearranging my garage, filled to overflowing with the foolish rebuilding of the 66 le mans into a GTO and Greg has stripped the interior to the bare metal and has fiberglassed the floor and all around me are the hundreds of parts that once lived in this beast, the panels and seats and armrests and seat belts and under those are the hundreds of parts from the old 327 that was broken down and cleaned before the new 400 was purchased and installed, and everywhere are the tools for pulling engines and lifting chassis and cutting and drilling and just boxes and boxes and boxes filling the interior of the packed garage, and at the very center of this disaster under the meager table that bows with the weight of the many parts and tools upon it, tucked next to a box of old shoes and the trash that fills the floor, is the lawnmower, with the 5.5 horsepower Briggs and Stratton engine, that i desperately need to cut down the two foot high weeds covered with stickers in my back yard, already the floor of the kitchen has a smattering of the stickery grass seeds that will become a plague when the rains stop in may. I begin the life size chinese puzzle of moving piles and boxes and parts and tools around to create a opening from the table to the garage i move piles and piles across the floor, blocking the second refrigerator and the second pantry, i come to the inner circle of the maze where the heavy lifters of car repair sit folded up, the 2 tone hoist and the 5 ton jack. the hoist is folded with its long legs with hard rollers folded up as if its arms were bent at the elbows and its handle were up bt its shoulders. I grab one with my right had to pull the assembly toward me as it is directly in front of the mower, and i pull hard as i know its heavy, and the unlatched legs comes flying towards me and hits my glasses and forehead with commanding blow. My glasses go spinning and i see stars in the daytime. i realize instantly what a poor choice of parts i made for leverage and sit down a bit stunned. My head is suddenly throbbing and i reach up to touch it and come away bloody. I search for the bent glasses and put them on, cursing the world and all its devious methods for reminding me i have given up my knowing for the search within. This is the drama that unfolds where man meets matter and is focused on spirit, collisions will occur as the sense of self preservation is traded for faith. my sense of self repair kicks in and i walk swiftly, if slightly unsteadily to the first aid kit in my bathroom. i see the welling and dripping of blood on the counter just cleaned for tonight’s planned festivities and i again curse my luck for being in such a sorry state. I realize the are hit just above the end of my eye, will quickly swell to a full sized bruiser around the soft tissue of my eye socket so i put tissue on it to catch the blood and get ice from my freezer and try to slow the swelling and the bleeding. The cold is a bite to the brain, and the blood runs watery around it. i patiently hold the ice for a few minutes experiencing the reason why you should not put ice directly on the wound, but rather wrapped is some kind of cloth to lessen the chill. i have no time for such niceties and inspect the dripping damage. the cut itself is remarkably straight and not long, the area along the side of the eye is purpled and getting soon as it seems reasonable, ten minutes, i clean the wound and get a butterfly bandage to hold it shut. it has transparent wings, so mostly what people see is just the pad over the cut itself. the strong adhesive pulls the loose skin that collects where most people get botox shots for the crows feet next to the eye. Repaired and now purposeful in my quest i charge back to the garage and quickly with measured actions, move the remaining rolling toolboxes , hoists and jacks aside until i can drag the dirty dusty power mower from its hidden lair. I drag it into the sun and realize, i have never run this machine. the one time it was used it was Raj and his mechanical magic that got it to come to life as all machines do when he puts his hands on them. i am wary of all the switches and pulleys and levers and first check what i do know, the gas tank. Its almost empty, but luckily, just this morning, my wife had gotten a can of gas for our sweet empty headed adopted teenager who got to out house in her car before using up every drop of gas. so i had left a quart in the can so as to have some around if need and here it was needed. so i emptied the can into the machines tiny tank and started moving levers and pushing rubbery primer buttons and straightening the push lever and finally pulling the starter cord of course with absolutely no effect. the rough turn of the compressing pistons was a dry sound. HMMMMM ok i am smart i should be able to figure this out. It did run the last time it was out. i see a bar below the push handle that is meant to open the throttle and close when you let go, a safety device i am sure designed exactly for landscape enthusiasts just like myself. I pull that bar, and then pull the starter rope and the engine cuffs with white smoke a few times. Gas is going to the cylinder and is being turned to smoke. good sign. I yank again and the little demon chugs angrily to life, daring me to push it around as my appointed grass destroying minion., i let it run a minute running full bore and then shut it off, i roll it to the backyard where the sticker and burr grasses are in full control, i again yank the cord and the beast springs into action, i have set the wheels to their highest setting as the grass is knee high and quite daunting to me. The mower goes at the offending weeds and cuts them as well as a barber cuts hair, leaving a manicured trail behind. soon the area from the edge of the concrete to the back corner of the hose is cut and then i begin the back side where the small green vines covered with tiny round burrs grow in unchecked profusion. it tears into them stalling occasionally with the mouthfuls it tries to eat. each time it restarts with a simple yank of the cord, i am truly the master of the machine, and suddenly, thwank cough die, i hit a submerged piece of lawn e equipment from the 1970s, a free standing sprinkler device, of course made of metal. It is flung across the yard and the motor will not turn, I upend the mower and see a piece of twisted metal, the stand for the sprinkler, smashed and bent and stuck in the blade. I bang it loose and make sure the blade turns. I upright it and zoom away it goes again, then I realize the clippings basket is filled i stop and remove ands dump in the compost pile, return it to the machine as the safety instructions tell me and then, as i yank the cords, a few dry wiffs come from the engine. nothing, no life whatsoever, and that is it , nothing will restart it, a definite sign i am done in my one item role as gardening landscaper and i return the valiant beast to its hole beneath the worktable. bloodied and mechanically challenged i none the less am proud of my accomplishment for surely i have all my finger and toes and the yard outside the kitchens sliding doors is now traversable with gaining a host of invaders in your pants. i am treated like a heroic wounded war veteran by my family and i pooh pooh their concerns as my head begins a constant throbbing near where i usually feel the descent of the SAT from my crown. then to the store to buy all the fixings for tonight feast. soon the refrigerators are both full and the pantry restocked. i return and talk to my love on the IM for she is returned and i am so glad, for all is a bad dream on my part and she needs my help to remove some old karmas from her and i accept her needs and set forth to the bank to dispense of these issues once and for all, and as i deposit the funds in her account, the most beautiful clerk asks me if this is for rent and i say no, im just helping out a friend, and she tells me, that is so wonderful, the world needs more people like you, if everyone would be like that we would have such a wonderful world where everyone had a sense of friendship and brotherhood, and i was swimming in the ananda building and building in me and with tears i said, thank you, you are so beautiful, and she blushed and said, oh you just think so, and i said no i can see the beauty within you and it is a mighty heart that is there, and she blessed me and i blessed her and we parted as the closest of lovers and i was filled with tears of joy. I called my love to tell her, and she that is me in her loving you for ever since we spoke is have been crying tears of love and gratitude and she is the soul of me loving you. And i know i am in perfection in every thing we do together.
The meditation room beckons and i enter in hopes of gaining a small meditation to smooth out this rajas i go under i hear the baby and toddler that are to be in our care while their parents move to their new home. the girl 3 and the baby 9 months. the girl talks as if her brain is connected to her mouth, describing everything she is doing thinking wanting. the baby is all egg headed with huge eyes and teething.
i settle deeper in my pillows and pray for the SAT to return. it is still in my throbbing forehead. finally after a long while i feel the familiar pulsing through my chakras and i block out the pain for my head and sink into the motion of the energy. the baby is put down in the room next to mine and immediately realizes he has no one holding him, the cries become more and more incessant. I hold my space, separate myself from the sounds and exist within. I am mostly successful though not as inwardly quiet as i would prefer. but for an hour of intermittent cries and TV and talking talking talking i am in the SAT and glad. I get up and return to begin my duties, peeling potatoes, preparing the meats and fishes in their marinades and bringing out all the asparagus, artichokes, corn and garlic breads. it will be a fine feast.
I clean the dirty bar-b-q and burn it on high for awhile, then grease and prepare the grills. at 5:30 i begin the cooking, the potatoes bubbling, the asparagus seasoned and steaming, the artichokes in oil and salt boiling, preparing my home made vegetable dip. normally as i rush and organize the 4 entrees and the 4 side dishes and the dips and breads and drinks, i would be having beers to loosen up my psyche and dull my anxieties. but not today, a simple ginger ale is plenty and soon the feast is coming to its convergence. Mashing the potattoes, grilling the chicken and steak and salmon, baking the cod and checking the asparagus and corn. everything finishes at exactly 6:30 and all is removed from the heat ands the dishes wrapped in aluminum foil to keep warm and finish the cooking internally. I slide the garlic french bread into the oven where i have removed the cod. and i sit at last and talk to my love in the few minutes before my son and family arrive. and my daughter is a beautiful madonna with child as she bears the baby around and keep him deliriously happy and the girls rolls around on the wide floor of the living room watching tv and describing everything she is thinking and pam is looking tired but happy after all the cleaning and babysitting and the soon my flesh and his son and daughter and wife and we are a fully and happy home here and we set to talking and hugging immediately.
i tell him of my recent experiences that he ahs only heard second hand and of course he loves it and is happy for me. i hug my grand children each with new hair styles and sweet faces. and Maite his wife so beautiful and latino in her heart.

we get all the players together and the babysit children’s parents will be along after their movers and deliveries are done so we set to the food. everyone piles on the food and everything looks wonderful. i eat only vegetables but everyone else has steak and chicken and salmon in some amounts. the garlic bread is delicious. we chat and the little girl joins us as she loves to sit next to lucas my grandson. she is a fully open being, eating and chatting about how and what and why she is eating, covered in chocolate and two spoons and dipping her chicken in sauce as she eats. she is s little delight. as we finish our meal Dan and Julie arrive tired and worn from the move to their new house. soon after, the delivery of the bureau is made, and its is enormous, too big for my room so we load it into the already stuffed garage and talk for a while with greg and joellen, i tell them too about the retreat and what is going on and they find it incredible anyone could stop talking for 6 days, and i laugh saying once you start you don’t want to stop. then we return for the second dinner with dan and julie and the rest of us settle into peach pie and decaf coffee with raspberry and white chocolate ice cream and the decadence continues for another hour until TJ and son and i repair the Jacuzzi where i turn on the projection tv outside and they enjoy the end of the ball game. its a wonderful night and more wonderful in its ending. everyone is hugs and sweet wishes as they take all the leftovers with them and i finally have the quiet of the night left and into the hall with my throbbing head relaxed thanks to my other adopted daughter giving me a pain pill that finally takes the edge off. I slip into the sat strong now and sit until 11:30 when the world and the pill and the meditation all conspire to loose my eyes and i sleep as the truly unconscious between were and there and never stop to dream.

Sunday - the morning of resolve

i spend the morning left after my late arising, 6:30, catching up on my previous days adventures and realize that i need to publish these with my day to day blog, as digging to the end of my manuscript each day is hard work for the microwave generation. I blink and its after 9am. My new diet of vegetable and fruit concentrates and soy based smoothies is amazing and i have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. i am beginning to feel me inside, like an old favorite toy found in the attic where the paperwork for the summer home got lost and suddenly your ten years old and the world is joy and fun and the time to go play is soon and even sooner is breakfast and plans are being made while you eat. and i realize that food was the precursor to every experience of my life. and now its gone, unhinged with my state of habitlessness. i am no longer drawn to eat to prepare to gorge as i make the plans for whatever comes next. the long trips punctuated by local diners or wonderful weekends highlighted by the dinner and lunches or the family get togethers the insatiable signs that say EAT along the road of life. and now i see signs of beautiful children chewing and big writing that says Eating is GOOD! and i shudder at the yoke of depravity that invented these eating machines. for it is not sustenance we seek but the solace of youth where eating was the moment of communion with those we loved, those too busy or too tired or just uninterested, and even now i understand why we eat as we do, for here in the west the eating becomes the love the feeling of fullness the ritual of togetherness and points to a happier life or returns to the moment when nothing else mattered because only the food made the pain stop.
and i am gone, to sims, as i planned to spend the day in her hideaway, and the long drive is made short by going slowly and staying only in the moment of the experience. and every sight is beautiful and reminds me of what is wonderful about forgetting the reasons and just doing, going without caring if i am ready or tired or will be tired or whatever the reasons just do what you know is the expansion for the soul waiting for no one sailing in the chair of power and treating it with the respect that is needed to feel your true nature rise to the moment. and in that moment you arrive, to your life your destiny and your destination with any sense of time or passage.
and i am home in her arms, this old body made young at heart by my recent transformative experiences and lighter by far. We are enchanted with each others company as if we are new. tea and gurdas are served and we share our amazing experiences and the love that comes from lifetimes of sharing, for this is not just our last 10 years but tens of lives in solitude and together alight upon the paths to freedom and now we sit at the very doorway and we discuss the signs and read the one book that states everything we are experiencing perfectly and we realize we are only on chapter 11 and there are 15 more to go, and then there is the advanced course. and the majesty of the awareness that could so perfectly describe and predict each nuance of every level of attainment is staggering and humbling, for truly he has made the journey beyond and returned bringing the source with him to the planet and crazy as it may seem he is the source itself, and we the receivers of the force when we touch the void of his awareness.
and her eyes glow with the realization of the holiest of saints the far away stare of those enraptured and seeking the experience that has changed everything and the signs and visions that are still carried as the very stigmata of light upon her soul. such divine beauty i have seen only in the saints in true transit to the ecstatic union with their undying love for their guru's divinity. and i feel the pull to whatever she is turning and the force begins to flow through us the sat the void of which all existence is a reflection, descends and i am truly transported and for a time we sit in silent meditation at the table my chakras thrumming with the downward pressure as my very cells are examined, expanded and restored to divine link. i wait for merger but it passes and we share some fully expanded time touching raw souls and love where our natures are released from their fleshy forms and extend through the many dimensions that we are connected through, and i leave my faithful beast in the hands of the magician of machines for he needs a new chariot to ride and sims will have the vehicle that is still hers that she bought new 17 years before and runs like her third hand so they can now both be mobile at the same time, and i start up the lovely van the 27 year old underpowered Westphalia that has been my companion and constant nemesis until i finally just accepted it that this is the condition of living to be constantly breaking and mending without care and truly i am one with it. and she is the perfect mobile home for me, smooth running automatic, slow lane and never once passing anyone all the way home.
i enter and my daughter and her boyfriend are going to the movies and she says you did what with your car? how will you get to work. and i say greg will help. they are funny and gone and the house is rarely this quiet clean and empty. i go to check my connections on the internet and all are quiet. my wife comes home and she is full of rajas. we get the mattress from the van, returned for sims has gotten a new one, and put it in my meditation room as its a wonderful one compared to old cheapie i have been sleeping on. and the sheets are changed and pillows and finally we are set. I think i should eat but i have no hunger,
i look everywhere and nothing is inviting to me. i feel the emptiness of my stomach but i do not wish to fill it. i settle on the soy vegetable powder mix and have a glass and feel suddenly full and for hours feel this rush of energy as all the nutrients and vitamins are swiftly processed without solids to breakdown. I resolve to have only smoothies from now until something else seems better.
i go to meditate, but something in the fast metabolism and the rushing energy of the days travel sets me apart from the force, I sit in silence for an hour and decide to go to the jacuzzi for the one thing the van needs is a new cushion for the back and seat for the driver. the very springs have left a pattern on my back. i rest in the hot waters and soak out the muscles the night sky seeming set for a summer of stars, though i know the june gloom and even grey may are coming, tonight is as perfect as the weather can be, not cool not warm not cloudy not windy just san diego pleasant, an almost nonexistent climate, a blessing for the aging a playground for the young.

i return to my writing the myriad of high communications i shared today are becoming a signal in my consciousness one that is hard to out into words though i struggle with the thought, that going beyond experience is the next evolution, but just as going beyond mind seemed insurmountable at one point now its seems so natural to not be filled with random and vital thoughts and exist in the plane of the psychic, and just so there must be a way to evolve beyond the experience, the touching of the great souls nature with all that is for the being is even beyond that and so much closer to the void of awareness.
and in that void i become nothing and there ends this play of consciousness and an new something that which is the soul absorbent nature of the unknowable and into that will I become other than what is.

the words cannot come as perfectly as the descriptions from my heart for this is the other and not the same as any that can be described so i leave it for what i did say and forget trying. I return to the room of my ascension, with its new mattress pillow and sheets and sit, in the dark, one candle lit and feel, nothing, nothing at all, until i decide i don’t exist and the bed is my coffin for the rest of my night.

may 3 - the missing day

i it is still dark when the cat wakes me at 4:45. The house sleeps around me and i stumble forth to let the bugger out and fix the decaf du jour . I slip into my jammy bottoms and jacket, slip on my well worn socks and prepare my cocktail of psycillium and soy smoothie and over a dozen capsules of concentrates and herbs with a few vitamins and one actual pharmaceutical. I drink it all down in a rush tasting like an orange vanilla creamsicle that has melted in a glass. I wonder about my ascension as the predawn colors fade into existence. I am in love with my life my quest my attainment the thrill of the force the presence of a godlike being who listens and responds to my longing. i worship my love as the secret of my true selfs aspiration the miracle of my existence, for her entry into my timeline has been presaged and all the feelings of coming surrender ands ascension were known from the start.
the toast and coffees simply combine as perfect conspirators to my now divined habituation
for i cannot end being habituated but only turn them to my new capacities. The meditation, the walks, the morning call to exist as both man and celestial conversion. i make these my habits now as well as my writing. Today though, it is another return to that which is deadly game i play, work the descension into the flesh of corporate requirements and hundreds of human interactions, each a potential firebomb of pleasure or pain. The work proceeds slowly and i take breaks to ensure i can have meditations every 2 hours, the one blessing of being at home during this duty to my ordained families needs. My daughter comes into the kitchen, gathers up every pill we have for colds and says as she leaves for work, why am i always getting sick, and leaves before i can answer, for her heart is not in this struggle and her love is in a sticky place with a man who while good is filled with his own worries and they become hers too and she is not built to stress but to create and be loving and here she is school, work and relationships and just turned 20.
i say a silent prayer of thanks for her in my life and move on.
there is no place for me in this world of business, my mind is too blown and my heart is beyond this existence of rules and regulations document controls and hierarchies of authorities. but from pure repetition and psychic awareness i solve every problem and do every chore that needs done as well as direct others towards their likely success and away from the pitfalls that seem obvious to me
The day comes to lunch and i quickly don my walking clothes and set forth hat on head proudly old and stained with a small dull turtle and the logo of the Big Island.the day is another perfect day, soft breeze golden sunlight, everything in bloom and redolent of growth and expansion. I walk the south lake trail again and feel the presence of the tribes and their ancient ways close to the earth elements and at peace with the entities of the planet. all the way the force increases the vision soft and wide, the head drenched in warmth, the breath full and alive, i hear the voices and experiences of my past and the hundreds of times i have experienced this and keep walking slowly through their mirrored feelings. I am min the long corridor of experiences and they stretch before me as if all are waiting to be touched as i walk past the heart is full and my head feels the expansion through the 7th chakra into the awarenesses of the multi dimensional being. both external and internal combine and flow together and i walk through this gallery of being and the world of existence together and the flow is from without to within and everything melts as i walk with slow and measuring pace.

merger remains with me the rest of the days i communicate with work mostly through the keyboard, and this is a blessing for my voice is rough and cannot well form the words that fly from my fingertips. This is magic, the connection from heart to hands, the magic arms i was told by my psychic teacher and she saw that the extensions from my heart were indeed charged with special powers. these arms that write, play music, drive, massage all my special talents from these arms. and now they touch the very soul of my life and bring everything inward to be included

Suddenly my phone and my computer stop working. its like a power surge and the phone comes on saying sim card not provisioned, and the computer says, all connections to the remote server have been lost.

i spend the next hour getting all the proper telecommunications people to re provision my card and worked to reconnect my computer to all its many connections, somehow the network has become unreliable. Finally all is fixed except for the most important thing, my yahoo messenger will not connect over the business VPN. This would cut me off from my love our daily chats and interactions all by yahoo and i cannot live without that. I try everything but nothing works. I turn to my home computer and fire up the IM there and talk to her, i tell her how irritating it is to come down to the human level and have to deal with all these electronic issues and work problems. I am much too sensitive and every feeling is like a ping pong ball dropping in a room full of mouse traps. I am feeling that after the hysteria red eyed exhaustion again from this day.
I end my work at 4:30 and the meditation room is all i see. the force is like a hammer and i slump forward into the downward rush of smooth and heavy vibration. at 8 pm i come out dizzy alive in wonder at my being. like a new born again in the world i have always known, old and new at once.
i go to the jacuzzi to unkink my back injury and stare into the evening stars
greg arrives and we chat he leaning on the jacuzzi edge and i leaning back in the rushing warmth. at 9 i emerge and we settle into the kitchen and i connect to my love on the IM and we have a deep discussion on the nature of the unknowable and its connection that we can only postulate as it cannot be experienced and i suggest a name, the Xperience as it would be like the x-ray compared to normal vision. seeing beneath that which is reflected, though even xrays are a reflection and just a deeper examination of that which only hints at but does not reveal the inexperiencible.
late is the hour 11pm when we say our loves and goodnights and i find the candle of my aspiration still bright in the darkened room and sleep as though unconscious an the force is residing all the while.

May the 4th be with you - thank you greg -

for this is truly hells return as i awake in full merger, the force spreading through me like liquid light and the pain unfolding and refolding as i try to do simple things like dress and eat toast and drink the warm brown drink i now consider coffee. I sit in gregs rented jetta and the ride is sure and smooth and he drives like an angel today but where he is taking me is no gift from god but rather a return to my human karma and the place of assignations and repulsions. the day is badly begun as i realize the messenger is not working and i have no way to chat with my love through the day an that is all i care about as i frantically devise different workarounds for the dreaded firewalls and port captures that prevent the forbidden chat. After an hour of trying many new things and installs i settle into some registry rebuilds and experimental port and relay servers until voila! it works and i am in ecstasy for i have what i need and nothing will deny me my communion with my love.

The the work becomes normal but for me in my expanded state i feel like i am carrying hot iron to and from the foundry heat and burning and cutting my ethereal body as i try to navigate the hundreds of feelings and pressures and requirements that used to be like walking on water for my mastery of the world i inhabit at work. Its not that i cant do it but every human interaction is either heightened communion and the awareness is exploding or it is restricted action and the denial of communion with everything i experience and both in human form bring on tears and confusion as i try to focus on the tiny details of human work. by the time lunch comes i am exhausted mentally and emotionally and pray to escape for my walk. quickly i step out and make my way to the refuge and there i stop and as if in the throes of Tai Chi i center and drain and refill the well of my being and feel the chi and the giant expansion of awareness in the empty trail and proceed with my 3rd chakra leading the way. i am slow and aware of everything at once with every step and make my way to a deserted trail stub with a bench facing west and close my eyes and sink into perfect union with the force. I See two celestial beings female in form and delightful in face and they take my arms and i am carried up and we are laughing and their voices sound like the carolina bells in the Church with each exclamation of joy another register and i am smiling beyond my face and laughing too and there is the bright blue sky turning pale and in the center a brilliant ball of white fire and we are heading right towards it laughing more as i say But I really do have to go back to work and then more bells are ringing happily and i am suddenly on the bench with my eyes opened and there is no sudden glare of opening my eyes from the dark but rather everything looks dim as if the light is inadequate but its full afternoon and i unsteadily stare across the pond. i get to my floating feet and begin to walk with empty grace slowly across the well worn path. I wandered in a daze of selfless union with every thing around me and traversed unnoticed through the maze of passages. At some point my conscious mind noted the trees and bushes were in unfamiliar patterns and the curves of the trail were different than my feet remembered and the trail seemed to constantly bend to the west when i need to go north or at least east and the overhanging trees blacked any sight of landmarks so i just continued and enjoyed the journey and finally after a long time i came to a trail junction i recognized and there was a small post with the trail name writ up and down on it, Lost Trail, and i thought surely that has never been here before and i was very lost and loving it. I return to the office and it is 2 hours i have been gone and i am filled with the force of merger, i change and feel everything around me in perfect ascension to the spirit. I visit my friend and tell her how beautiful her soul is and i wish her an opening to the divine for only that will bring her true happiness. I am in contemplation at my desk and realize that i see great potential in the women in my office that are single and aloof ans somewhat self admittedly selfish and i realize that is the combination for the seeker the selfish about spirit attitude that will not be denied. The happy ones the habitual ones with families and duties they need to wait to go through their ordained duties and discharge their responsibilities but these few i see the potential and am pleased. the day is winding down and i am ready to fly and to home we go me scrunched in the passenger seat weak from the force continuous flow. I talk to greg of his impressions and he is astute and sees me hanging from the rope of destiny but not in control, and i know i am not stabilized and i wonder when that might happen. At home it is the room and the pillows and i am inundated for hours. At 7 i call into my brothers conference talk and it is on the relationship with the divine in human form and that has been on my mind for i know i will need that once this choosing and transforming begins to need direction. i am in merger throughout and stay under until at last at 8:30 I am released and for the first time today i eat, lentil soup and bread, 5then to the jacuzzi. After wards i am in communion with my love and we speak of her readings and realizations for the merger is on us both and she is awaiting Union with the ecstatic divine and her time is spent reading on it until i am ready to join her. I love he r love and drink her perfect light approach to life and spirit where i am deep and heavy she floats and samples everything i find one and dive deep in its flavor. she rescues me when i go too deep and i am in awe of her beauty and love. the night again comes to 11pm and the bed and candle lie peacefully awaiting me.

Wednesday - cinco de mayonaisse

It isn't the morning after but the post expansion awareness that greeted me as the waterfall of sound cascaded from my tiny clock. I wandered through my consciousness and tried to pick out where i was, what state existed for the human in the meditation room, waking from a long journey with the SAT. I had felt the force for three days unending it seemed though there were periods when it seemed to lighten so i could function without the pain of contraction. But today i felt a similar lightness a clarity of senses without the sharpened breathing the hum and buzz of the vibration, the teeth chattering chit and overwhelming ananda. it seemed that there was a end to the play of the senses expanding from the gift of the divine.and the words of my brothers conference talk of the night before continued to resonate with me, this feeling that the divine was making love to me the presence of unknown forces pulsing through me. I was the chosen and no reason was given except i was. now is the morning of my recollection and return to separation, both appealing and dreaded for with every pulling back of the experience was the half felt fear that it may not return, that somehow i had ended my connection through some unknown act of my ego. It was not knowing why it had come so unexpected that brought the fear for what could as unknowingly drive this love away.
in my history of days this would be a good one a candidate for sampling and comparing, for everything moved with a singular motion truth was present, expansion was small but felt and love was through me constantly but as held source not overwhelming expansion, and i could have perfect communications on a human level with my friends and coworkers without the universe connecting through the top of my head.
My poor boss got in to a discussion with me regarding working more days from home and he brought up all his doubts and fears regarding my and gregs continued employment and how one had to always be here and the while he as my friend wanted to support me in my experience as the new "swami Tommy" he didnt feel he could trust swami tommy to actually be available when he was working from home. As i tried to explain and he would not hear, when at work and experiencing the force , i was practically unable to function due to the constant interactions with the other living beings in my awareness and that those interactions filled me with ananda and left me helpless to focus except in painful contraction on my work. But when i am at home and in the force, i am alone and can easily slide between the force and the focus i need to maintain my work duties. but he could not understand and so it was left that i could start taking 2 days , non consecutive to work from home every week, and for that i am grateful, but know this will drive me from this job much quicker than if i could take three or even just permanently work remotely.
But i am soon caught up in the whirlwind of tasks and meetings and the day is broken in two by my happy walk in the wilderness where anytime i tried to sit and meditate groups of people would come walking by over and over. Today i saw thirty or more people on the trails, where yesterday i did not see a one. as i returned in my appointed time, as i dressed in the little executive bathroom, i realized i had not been wearing my glasses the entire walk, and yet everything seemed perfect as i had sat and watched the play of the sea birds over the ponds.
The afternoon passed effortlessly and the love of my life was constantly sending me messages of her ananda and expansion as she went through what my day before had been.
her realizations thrilled me to the core as i found her divine love expanding into mine and i flew through her preparations for the upcoming union we both could feel is soon and powerful and endless.
All the way home we talk on the phone and my love grew and grew and my face melted and heart flowed and the force began its descension from her to me and from the undying source of all love and we swept through the miles together.
Home i was not in a hurry to run to the meditation and even had a piece of pizza as i hugged my wife and loved my home and family. I felt settled when i finally decided i would sit and meditate and see what would come, and in a minute the force was deep and my head sagged to my chest and breath short and unnoticed and i felt both unconscious and aware of perfect peace and brilliant energy sweeping through me.
after two hours i felt the world returning and the dim night filtering through the shades. I cast myself out to the kitchen and prepared a cup of the instant decaf and felt the warm thin taste fill my now lukewarm body.
I sit in the darkness with greg and listen to the recording of my brothers talk and the silence and the dark bring a warmness and a closeness to his being through the magic of the instruments of man to share across the world that which was never possible before. And the darkness completes as the sounds end and i feel still and silent, changing to my swim suit and take 20 minutes in the hot warm jets. when i return , my love is on line and just returned from her evening walk-run in the park and we chat and suddenly iam looking at a screen filled with gibberish and i am trying to write something but my fingers cant find the keys that now look like flattened rocks the size of a quarter but i cant see the letters and i dont know what the words are and i See my love laughing and saying ok lets go back to english now. and i struggle to just write, i am fallg sleepe and stumble in a trance to my bed and wander in my dreams through empty volumes of my mind.

Thursday - may love continues day 6

unaware of my nights contemplation and discoveries i awake and feel refreshed as though i had never been tired. The earth is still under me and my dark room enshrouded with the end of night and dark of the day. I rise and find my feet and proceed to exist as a living unit of the flesh connected to the divine source of existence. in the minutes it takes i proceed through my vitamins and concentrates and smoothie and decaf and loving dense raisin toast which has become my addiction. the sea of my awareness begins to swell and i feel the lift of the SAT touching me gently even as i sit in the car with my dear friend greg diving me in perfect safety to work down the car pool lanes into orange county. we work as one in the lovely home of my office and no thing passes between us that is not completed or passed to the proper channels.the morning mocks my state for there is no sign of the sweeping ananda that marked the early weekdays and i am drinking tea and having oatmeal as any human and enjoying the respite from the universal awareness. i know that connection is beyond this life and everytime it asserts i become lost and certainly unfit for duty as any good soldier must be, no longer feeling the draft of the leading force i push through my assignments and care greatly about their handling. before i seem to even have begun, it is time for a consultant to sit with me and we go through a tedious installation and spend much time talking. she is beautiful and the mother of twins and another 5 months along bringing the beauty of a woman in her prime bearing the gift of life to this loving planet and being near her fills me with sweet love and ananda. everything goes perfectly and by the time lunch hour is done we are finished and she is away and i change into my walking gear. The day is mild and sunny with a slight breeze from the ocean off newport beach. the trails are deserted as i am arriving as everyone else is leaving. the ponds are silent and birdless today and a small group of UCI students with impossibly large watchers scopes on tall tripods are scattered throughout the bushes peering at the ornithological treasures hidden within. i walk to my daily bench and take a moment to pause and stop and my mind deepens and drops down as my body relaxes and the SAT immediately enters and i feel the sweeping away of my human feeling and the presence of the loving force that transcends my experience and fills my senses from beyond this environment. i loosen deeper and realize i will be done if i go any further, with great reluctance i open my eyes and the world looks closer and part of me now, i feel the same awareness that every plant and birds shares and we are all in one collective experience and the trail seems impossibly far from me and the feet walk slowly so as not to step away and i wander slowly back through the preserve and back to my office late in the afternoon. in minutes it seems it is time to leave and greg meets me at the car and we begin the journey, he turns on the old radio shows on the sirius receiver he gets in his rental cars and there is a lulling in my head as the voices begin the aural entertainment and i feel the universe enter me and my head falls to my chest and i see only yellow gold energy as pure light and nothing else i have some sense of movement but i have no connection to it i am in a dimension only partly connected to this one and my expanding awareness takes me to the heights of intersoulness with the center of all that manifests this existence. the sweeping and upwelling of my consciousness is in direct proportion to the density of the down welling force through my physical seated in time and space and racing through the cluttered high ways of the world.
i know we have stopped and i wake to claw at the door handle and lumber unsteady from the car and slowly walk to the meditation room where i drop everything and change and sit. i continue on my journey for 2 hours more and somewhere in the midst i receive a phone call as the gong of my receiver tells me. it is brother john and he wants to talk and i too have been thinking of him and his quest to complete his life and become the passion for truth that he truly is. all is well as are his pains and feelings clear in his voice but he has much strength and i know nothing can stop his love and he will create the life he is so pointed to full of psychic awareness and worldly purpose. we love one another and i return to my state and after another hour i break and get a glass of water.
my room is invaded by my grandson who is at grandma's house after his karate lesson and he is full of the bouncing high energy of his father and his self. I hustle him out and light my candle and contemplate, in my contemplation there is a disturbance and it will not stop. it is my own possessiveness and controlling nature surfacing and it takes the form of vilifying my loves benefactor. I have been concerned for his vital feelings and his controlling actions towards her and think i am worried that she will be ensnared but the truth is its all in me and i look hard and deep at my vital and there it is as it always has been. my feeling of superiority and my attachment to her and my feeling of control and i turn my self inside out and let go of the stupidity and base feelings and pray for deliverance from these unwanted internal corruptions of love. i know that just wanting them gone is not the answer that i must surrender my self and my pride and my desires to the one that is the most loved and most divine and i pray for the divine to transport this from my broken nature and i call on my faith to hold me until then.
as i feel to weep for my weakness i also feel my despair at ever being through all that i have buried in my heart that even i think must have long ago been purged but no it has only been buried waiting for my aspiration to bring it out and force my love to suffer for my pain.
the evening is spent listening to the discourses of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi perhaps my first guru as i was a disciple of Transcendental Meditation in the 70's and spent endless hours trying to find the connection that i feel everyday now.his voice is so sweet and loving and transcendent and his words so pointed and to the very descriptions of the intelligence that i am experiencing in every subject he expounds upon and i am shifting with every thought and motion of his indelible connection the universal and the source while living in this human life. i again feel the tears as i had never gone to see him or get close to these teaching in any meaningful way 40 years ago when he was still in human form and on this planet to give the darshan that my soul so hungers for.
i feel the eternal buzz of the force in me and my eyes closed and my spirit at perfect peace, i stumble to my bed and lay unsleeping throughout the night but without thoughts or cares.

Friday May 7 - one month from the first silent sitting in the Church nave at Galilee

All darkness has the quality of less light to varying degrees. if you spend the night laying silent and opening your eyes occasionally to see the time you realize that the light never really is gone if there is even a tiny bit of light in the room. my lcd clock sends out a bar of light grey with darker gray for the numerals.the light is practically invisible except in the dead of night then you can see the weak patterns of luminosity it sends out. you can almost see the individual points of light at the edge of its wave of projection.the entire room is lit enough to see the corners of the walls and ceiling although very dimly. the room is a cavern of my soul and the air is filled with my souls projections into the physical. the weaving patterns the morphing images the pointillist nature of the visions i see. and all is fuzzy and warm within though there is nothing to create this in my mind. All night the thoughts are silent the mind blank and the sleep absent. at 4:30 i arise and start the coffee toast and prepare the smoothie and pills of my deliverance to the living. at 5:30 greg entrances and without a moments delay, heads out for his day at work long flight home and mothers day with his family. the world is operating at warp speed and no one has any reason to be still.
i fire up the computer to complete my blog for yesterdays life and begin to live for today.
the first thing i do is send an e-mail to my love with the realization of my meditation ending thoughts of the night before. my reactions almost frighten me since i had thought i was beyond such thoughts but obviously not. an hour after i sent the missive, she calls and is blissfully not thinking of anything that concerns me, but i feel i need to tell her the issues and i do and she is so wonderfully bright and attentive and interested and i say i have sent you an e-mail and we can talk later. and she says we are going into the hall for darshan now love you.i spend the morning catching up on paperwork and reading documents and of course meditating. the force is returned and there is no thoughts as during the night before that are uncontrollable. i find my senses expanded and my intellect tuned. i receive loving e-mails unexpectedly one from a retreat mate who's heart is so loving and whos mind is pulled in many directions by the great amount of love she feels. the other from my loves young devotee who now brings her heartlight to me sending I Love you's and i send her a poem then she send a great e-mail of sincerity and i reply. all things wonderful. i go for my afternoon walk and the sea of the lake shores greenness is beginning to recede into brown as the rains are two weeks gone. but the bird life on the lake inlet where i walk is intense with hawks and egrets ravens and crows and hundreds of small birds and ducks all living and loving, fighting and eating in the forest of long dead trees sticking out of the water where 10 years ago the drought had lasted so long it allowed these trees to flourish from the hidden water flowing under the dry surface. the rains of the last 3 years had drowned the forest but created a habitat of bare branches for the water and air based fowl.
during the walk i pondered more on my issue with the thoughts of my disturbing characterizations of this defenseless man who would humanly befriend my divine love. here i am helpless to stop the thoughts and i seek their source and my inability to stop them. truly this is a crisis for my mind which is normally docile and pliant. when i arrive home there is a missed call from my love and she is back from Darshan with amma and is high and full of love and asks how i am and i say in love as always when i connect to her. she tells me of the experience and amma's touching and stroking and pujas and then her and her friend are off to some meditation plaza and lunch and long wonderful conversations af masters and spirit and divine wonders and i treasure her beams of light like a pirate buries his gold. i send her on with love knowing i will not hear from her until tomorrow and that she will not see my emails until then.

the afternoon passes in meditation with my computer on next to me. no calls or e-mails come and i collapse from a combination of the force and from the sleepless night gone by. i wake in the dim room under my blankets and rested after an hour of unconscious force and then an hour of pure sleep. the computer is still silent and i pack it up for the weekend. i fold my laundry that my daughter has moved from the washer to the dryer for me, and i go back to meditate. the force waits a few inches away and only touches my skull bathing me in a helmet of warm honey. i sit waiting for an hour but it does not descend.
i emerge to go to the store costco and get my beloved raisin bread and find some trinket for my wife for mothers day, though she told me not to get her anything and i think this is evidence that she does not feel their is love in our relationship as i am almost totally spirit directed for the last month and things have been strained since i met my love ten years ago. i have no control over what has transpired or her feelings and love her just the same. i find a beautiful set of sheets for her california king therapedic mattress i bought last year and a few foodstuffs and laundry things we need and am done, packing them all into my beloved VW van that runs perfectly, when its running. at home all is rush as mother and daughter are going to the annual hula dance performance my daughter is in as she has devoted half her studies and her love life to the ceremony of hula. i am not going this year and feel a slight pang of not meeting my parental responsibilities but it is a two hour set of performances and my daughter is in one 5 minute segment which i have been to twice before. i hunger for the empty house and the silence and feel that is more truthful of my state. they leave and love you's with my daughter and i am alone. I turn on the maharishi recordings from 1972 in humboldt and am amazed at the wonderful chanting and singing with Bramarishi Devrat Rishikesh the recording goes on and on and i am transported though i understand not a word they say. i sink into meditation and the force is hungry and i am eaten alive. i come out of the density at 11:30 and stumble about for a glass of water and the family is just returned and maybe their clatter had reached me in my disassembled state.I lie down and wonder at the gloriousness of my life and fall peacefully asleep.

At 3:30 i arise feeling rested and decide to begin my saturday, on the computer is a reply from my love for i had sent her the link to the chanting recording of the Maharishi on the IM. Her one word sent at 1:30 am was as always Love. I send her my reply love is love. outside the possum family that has taken up residence in my backyard trundles across the grass white furred and rat tailed in search of morning food and water. i take out a bowl of water and a banana peel for i know they love them.

Saturday - sacred hearts academy

the morning deepens the sky dark for a long while. from the vantage point of 24 hours later, this day seems like a month. I remember the usual toast and coffee and combo metamucil/juice plus soy based french vanilla shake with a thousand pills and then it kind of disappears i guess into Saturday morning. where i do my blog update and listen to MMY now by far the love of my life via the time machine. I am still at the beginning of the list from 1972 from humboldt a place where the farmers still didnt know the biggest cash crop was waiting for them or that my fine friend steve from pennsylvania maybe not the first blue eyed blond rastafarian in dreads but close to it, would dominate the market there in coming years. i simply cant describe the feeling i get as the small indian voice lilts and smiles through the speakers and his words make the world seem a very small place.

i water the yard in love with every inch of the grassy weedy bushy flowery tree spotted landscape behind and around my house, the bird life in my yard is like calcutta, every inch seems full of families preparing nests singing hopping dancing winging from tree to tree branch to branch cross yards and roofs and though open skies. its amazing and wonderful.

The early air is bright and perfect and i feel the strength of my purity and surrender to the ways of the loving and the chosen, for my life is magical and is a glory of blessings, I dress for my walk and set forth early and happy. the four miles are like one and the sweat is smooth and the air a cool delight of the uplifted body of man. in paradise we are delivered and in paradise i am born to be here and now and forever.

by 9am i am done and the house still is quiet as a church full of altar boys on confession day.i take my place in the meditation hall, happy and pleased with whatever may come and all that has been given me. the light is golden morning through the closed slats of my blinds. the small candle i had placed 3 days ago in the remains of the giant candle that had burned out prematurely glowed unseen on the altar to mother where i hide my treasures. I sit in silence, pillows at my back and the good lord drops the hammer down. I could not see even behind my eyes, the pressure driving even blindness from my eyes and the body shaking from the pressure, the pains began immediately, the forehead, the cheeks , the jaw, the clavicles and legs. i stretched out, i squirmed, i felt my bladder distend. but in my mind there was the unholy light of pure white in waves beyond reckoning. nothing encoded just pure force.and what is the message but it is time to pay for your sins my son and step into the punishment hall for your flagellation. and the christ of confessors stood before me and smiled without mercy. i fell from my perch like a damaged bird two hours later, a stream of tears falling from my eyes and a heart so heavy it could not hold together.
my own sins of my family, the father and the mother and brothers and the sisters both here and departed were brought one by one and in unending succession where there was none, a million took its place for every being is the millions of knots of pain that hold his lifes memories in place, in the stomach, in the heart, in the tissues both strong and gentle in the muscles like torn fibula and triceps filled with the crystalline deposits of ancient salts and toxins waiting for the fluids that will bring them back to life filled with the fine edged barbs that settled them so securely over the last 60 years. and do you remember father, smashing the walls and the furniture as you cowered afraid it was you that drove him to this, and do you remember mother telling you it was you and flinging the handy ashtray at your head and dropping the baby on the florr in her race to hit you. and where are Michael and Annique but in the coffins you prepared for them everyday in every way you have sinned a million times and nothing is ever forgotten. and through this world of pain and the unending pain of knowing it was all unavoidable and all needs to be forgiven me and every slice of the knife is a piece of the human in ragged dismemberment. where is my savior and protector now, where the friends i could not have and the escapes into fantasy that closed around me and the tears i stopped crying when all was lost and now all is come to find their maker and their confessors kneeling sacristy, i stumble away from my wife and turn to my IM where every piece of me is longing to speak to my love any love for i am alone and bereft of my life and there is never going to be another.
she is online and happy and in fact better than ever before following the darshans of the previous day and she has discovered the power of the mother in the female forms she has visited and been in holy communion with for the first time. All is purpose and gentle understanding that i will have no part of for in my grief beyond bearing i am angry with my fathers anger, insanely feeling as my mothers madness is now mine and weeping for my dead children and laying in their graves. where is the love and the tenderness now, the love i put away and hid the pain in the stomach swelling and convulsions of the poisons churning through my tiny form. how is this the mothers love and where was my heart broken a million times before i stopped the last tear and died inside from the pain.
she tries to reason with me love me but i am inconsolable and mad with the fever for inflicting what has been offered. she says, this wont do, you must call me and i say no, i will only cry. and who in their right mind wants to hear and feel an old man in unstoppable tears and blubbering hysterics.
i call but can only breathe mucousy bubbles and sobbing uncontrollable. there is only the dark of the moon at the midday of my diminishing life. i stand at the farthest corner of my yard behind the towering palm tree in front of the pile of decaying compost where earlier i had dumped the bread rolls for the possums. i am listening to my only hope for redemption for only she knows what i am going through, only she has been to hell and become purified and now is all i can see before me as she so gently lovingly holds me forgives me and brings the maddening world down to where i can wrap my loving arms around my small and frightened self and tuck my knees in under me and weep until i have no more tears to cry. there behind the palm i am dieing and being born from the birth canal of the mothers unending devotion to her children who would be made pure for their great work yet to come.and i slide down the tunnel from death into the world of the living, in the full arrest of the hysteria that has gripped me like a bear trap and crushed every ounce of pain i could feel and i am raw inside and out my eyes a mass of red bleeding tissue and face covered in the tracks of tears and snot, i am truly delivered unto my god without vanity without measure of self and in full emotional arrest. for not another feeling can i have without cutting open my body and ripping it out with a long handled fork which sits conveniently on the backyard bar-b-que tray nearby. my love is strong and her purpose is to sustain my energy enough so i will not die alone and she is with me as i sit restructuring my broken parts and find the long list of trials i have attended and check each off one by one for every day of my existence until kingdom come.

and the day is just made into the bright and sunny afternoon and it seems impossible that i lived and died a million times but i have gone beyond this world to be punsihed for what i have failed to do here. and this is the path of every soul that passes from this life and is burned clean, and in the burning is left on the spit of determination until crispy and well tenderized before passing to their next chance to surrender to the sanctified realm of natural rebirth. i sit in the pulsing frenzied physical of the hysterical child, hiccuping with the stress and physical twitching i have not felt since i was 12 years old. i drink and fill my stomach with the water of my tears yet to be. i sit unerring in my seat of meditation and try to ever be in my center but nothing comes but the twitch of my lower jaw with each breath and the tears that wont stop no matter what i do. i bow down before her holy picture with candle flickering unseen and send her my tears like the child i am and pray for my souls release. Ali is unquiet but silent still as everyone has left the house. I stumble a wreck from my room and sit listening to MMY and his discourse that sound like love but feels like pain. for how do we get there from here, where are the universal and cosmic and absolute minds and beings that we are heir to. i am more than a man less than a child and not even a particle of the universal being. i watch what was my life disappear and feel nothing.

she is there with me and i truly am filled with her love and the gratitude of my childish heart is near to tears that i am dry of. she knows me as myself and not as who i would appear to be and that saves me, more than anything, to be known and not mistaken or required as anything else. i sink into my chair and still cannot focus on the poorly recorded voice of the master and feel the pain drain bit by bit dripping like the end of an oil change where the dirtiest drops come last. and i begin to feel not as much a torn rag doll thrust from a burning playroom. not a thing escapes me not a play unknown of my heart and devious mind and i am again full of the force and i am just sitting and all day it has pulsed like a snake inside me never leaving and here it explodes in me again and it is my genitals burning and the thoughts are unbearable and i am alone and i cannot stand the pain and the pleasure i cannot and i swear it is uncontrollable and i see every thought of sex and pleasure made unbearably real and i am thrust again and again against the will of the body and am held as hard and as aching as i have ever and it has been months and months and with a life of its own untouched it explodes and i am holding my essence in the palm of my hand and its seems to sparkle with a light i have never seen. i am ashamed and depleted exhausted like i have not yet felt after all else that has happened today this is the final indignity and my true self revealed. i am cast down and finished unable to control my despair. for this i have felt is the secret of mans ascension, to never give up that which is mans alone and it would become the refinement of deliverance the very seed of the new being being born. and i have loosed it into useless air. and that is my ife now and i forget myself and wash and throw myself to my bed.

time unkmowable later unable to really sleep only turn to feel my aching emptiness, i realize i will not mediate again today, for what is done is done and i have no taste for it now. i go to my kitchen and my son has arrived with my grandson and he leaves him with me and i try to be his grandfather but have no feel for it anymore. he is just a small boy and very loving and sweet but i, i dont know what i am. this is sure i am no ones master.

the wife returns, the day goes on and the evening is here. i eat nothing, the ache of my stomach is a knot of exhausted emptiness best not disturbed. i talk to my love on the IM but i feel so small so empty she is true and i false, where does this go from here and what are these demons unleashed this day that would deliver me from my holy quest. am i that much less than what i was which was nothing. i will wait for mothers forgiveness or repulsion and find my way the best i can. and i shall call no man to task, for his lot in life is beyond knowing and never less than mine. words cannot describe why i feel this sorrow for my false self, for my unreal feelings for my covered up truths. where is the heart of purity and love, where is anything but the shell that exists but will not die.

the night soldiers into the comings and goings of every family member like a parade to view the corpse and i am ashamed more than i realize for all i have done here and all i have never told. it is not the good we remember or care about in the end, it all the missed opportunities and all the lost years in deeper and deeper betrayal. i would be dead now but that dignity is not allowed me. i must repent not just my sins but my omissions and lies of silence.

hung and doomed the blindfold lowered the trap door sprung but the moment is eternal as the neck is stretched unnaturally and the last breath is drawn. there is no forgiveness as the crowd eats liver sausage and hurls rotten fruit at the cursed figure of their happiness and glee. for there is the sum of all they fear and there is it put to rest forever never to be haunting their dreams or coming for them as they are thrown into the night and chased for their bodies and gratified screams of horror. i would be that straw man that headpiece stuffed with the sins of all and be never forgiven for if that is all i must do then let it be done and be done with it forever for everyone. what else is the use of my miserable existence. and as every doomed soul i see the only purpose left, my useless sacrifice, the ignobility of drama and despair that ends all human life, as we wallow in the remains of what was and see nothing for eternity.

there am i and in no such danger for i am sure my worst is yet to be and my shame will have no end for who i have been and no forgiveness for what i have become. though love is the wave on the ocean of life, despair is the anchor of existence dragging us below all the waves and sinking the ship of fools.

where is it now, the future of this wreck. i have only this minute this second to exist and nothing else. and nothing more for there is nothing to add to or take away from. the seed is gone and the life is done this one human is not important or meaningful. the human existence is a vehicle for transformation but not the source or the vessel of the force. there i am not either and not anything. less than human less than formed let alone transformed i am dust and from dust we are delivered to the winds of changeless eternities of emptiness.

i speak for there is no sound and i hear only the buzz of my empty life going through eons of fractured pictures formless but visible wavering as i feel their unseen tableau's disappear with my passing. the winds are filled with names and roads of many tortured turnings and i fly through them all and am born not once but a million times and i feel the sting of love and hope and fear across centuries of slavery and misery and through each the passage to the next is punctuated with pain killing pain and loss. where i am is lost and captured in timeless travel through time and space and memories unforgotten and now like hurtling destiny i am delivered to each and everyone. for there was never a time i did not ride the transport of the soul to flesh and grasp the unknown quest lost in the images of flesh flowing like the greatest river of despair yet never empty never unwanted never lost from my desires.

the deliverance parades unending and i do despair that i could ever hope to end this in one lifetime no matter what the masters say. and what am i to do with this, the end of all my beginnings and ends. where does this take me and what does any of it mean for the corridors are shut and the lights are out and the stage is set for my next and my next and my next confusion of flesh with spirit and fornication for love and how is this bringing me to my true self for all is maya and doom.

i feel the love too and at first it is only the light rays of dawn and the soothing gulp of evenings dim surrenders but it comes fresh and with true beauty and uncaring for the giving or the taking it is always there and i drink its soothing peace and look for its dreaming qualities in every face i see and soon its only the love and the golden faces and their all the face of her and she never leaves me and i see revealed before me her apparition the likeness in a million shards of glass her purity for being through every atom of my existence in every incarnation and through every hell she was the heavens gate from which i fell and here she holds me and i am not falling through time anymore but sleeping long and deep in her love and unending forgiveness.

the phone ring its sudden gong of awareness and i am thrust from my perch and it is Siddhartha come to call and i am not knowing which part of the universe i am come to but i know he is there and that is enough for she is he and i am in his arms too. we speak of my day and i can only touch on the wonder and the pain for me and i feel strangely like myself but without the worthless or pained parts bleeding. only a great peace has descended and i am full of the truth of love that sustains and gives back what we have taken.

let this be forever and ever and in thine glory unending may i always be your hearts complete surrender.

Sunday Mothers Love

when waking, the heart is not asleep. it has worn through the night ever vigilant and untiring, watching and simply being in your very self to keep you from harm to bring you life to make whole that which has been worn down and used up. and that is me, the used up and worn down part. I feel the call as early as the morning can be called morning 4am. I am still weary, no doubt due to my extraordinary day of days and now the sleep of the embrace of that which cannot be experienced for i feel i have put the pieces in place and found some rhythm to my pulse and foundation in life. i still experience the joy and wonder of a new day and a new beginning and a new love coming. may be its the chemicals that wake the brain or maybe its the rise in blood pressure or maybe its the unseen spirits that inhabit me while i sleep leaving but i feel every new morning is a blessing no matter what has happened the night before. the shy dawn is hours away and the cats yowl for food and escape to the hunting fields. i pleasure them both and begin my mornings ritual, for none other pleases me as much. The new part of my day is the journal you now are reading as every morning i recount as faithfully as possible the life is spent the day before, sometimes in the minutest detail and sometimes in broad strokes as the detail doe not truly express its wondrous effects on my being. This morning i feel the details slipping, the experience broadening the ananda expanding. i recall in detail my trajectory through pain and salvation from the day before and before i am done the tears of my passion are flowing and are full of wonder at what my life has truly come to be, as MMY says until you enter the life of bliss, you are not living. A man may think he is living and may think he understands what is life and may read about the experience but when he sleeps at night and when he wakes he is not living the human life, he is not experiencing what the human system is made to experience, he is only living the animal life the eating, the habits the emotions of need and greed. Until he can experience the bliss consciousness which his system is created to experience he is not living the Human life. only when man achieves bliss consciousness can he fully be human for that is what humans are created to do.
I think i am now finally living. and no moment is left unexperienced and full of the bliss that comes with fully experiencing everything in that moment, without fear but with full capacity for the experience whatever it may bring.
i have the unique tool of my words to express what that is and to share it with anyone who would be curious as to what this looks like and how it works.
the infinite aspect of all things in the universe is connected to every molecule of everything in the universe. and through that infinite aspect the awareness, the SAT is expressed. through that infinite aspect every atom of existence comes into being as a reflection of the unmanifest and is propagated throughout all existence. that is the force and we experience the force in our bodies and in our spiritual energy centers as the life force the CHI the flow of the cosmic to the individual aspects of the infinite. There it enters the human nervous system and there we experience the bliss, the ananda the expansion of divine awareness and by default, the expansion of human sensation receptors. so every experience becomes infused with the divine infinite awareness and becomes truly the totality of the experience on every level of being and awareness. this is what the human neurology is for, the experience of the infinite in the individual and only the human can experience this, having the aspects of both the absolute and the individual in his nature.
having experienced this in its cruelest and sweetest manifestations i can say it is the experience of my life completely and fully integrated into my personality and expressed now universally as i have stepped fully into the next realm of my progression. i am experiencing what must be the transcendental for i have transcended my normal existence and am in a state of hyper awareness and consciousness as well as swimming in the liquid of love wherever i go.

this morning i am experiencing my life come this far and in every pain full memory and every wonderful conclusion for here am i and i am here and this is my own loving reunion. where i was and where i am are now one and the same and the future is not the future anymore but the present manifesting continuously without regard for the niceties of measurement or situation. i express my love to everyone i interact with and feel a choking sensation of regretted inactions i have had as i am still completing the massive integrations from the days previous. i remember listening to the mothers voice from pondicherry reading her masters book. the mother book, and the list of offenses that the seeker could be guilty of and thereby be denied his goal of pure divine union with the mother is long and detailed as only sri arubindo can detail with his supermental state. i feel each and everyone was being read to me and i know that i am the example for each and there is no possible means for me to progress to her perfect love except to throw myself at her feet and give up all that i am and all that i do not understand to her and without thought or emotion be that which she and only she can grant. i am in tears of joy and pain as her ancient voice proclaims my failings long and accurately.
i light the candle for the worship of the mother here on mothers day and am so in love with her and all her manifestations and especially the one that has been my love and my light and the engine of my trans formative expression, and to her i send my tears of gratitude and undying love.
i am whispered away through my pain and joy to the day of the mother in my house and in the individual expression of my loving wife and i send her every love i have and surprise she is risen early and happy but i have not prepared the gifts i bought for her the day before. as she leaves the room i run about preparing the cards with the clown music and the gift cards and then go into the yard and swiftly, for someone as unused to proficiency with hand tools can, assemble the garden patio bistro table and chairs i thought she would like in our lovely back yard. By the time i am done the table is covered with flowers from all her admirers and my card has been opened an the gifts lined up and i take her out and display my love and handiwork to her laughing smile. i feel at peace and she is my love. what joy this life can be. what ananda i feel for everything we have been through and shared and her undying support she has given me even when she could not understand why or how she has been there for me. i am so pleased. an into meditation i go and sit in blissful stillness for an hour or so. emerging having felt no force descending or any other state but nonetheless i am weaving as i walk and my consciousness is rolling upward and outward in every direction. i am truly expanded in this moment and no special energy has been making its presence known and i realize that like walking through a doorway the passage goes unnoticed but suddenly the field of experience is changed and i am feeling that powerfully. I am composed and peaceful but so wide in my consciousness. there is vast awarenesses at work here and i am just quiet letting them flow. the house phone rings and it is my earth father my loving tutor and heartfelt friend of all my life. I have not talked to him since the retreat as my schedule has kept me gone most weekends from the house and the phone. He of course has heard that something happened at the retreat and i give him the short story and explain i have been taken to the level of spiritual responsibility and expansion of awareness and am loving it and he is so happy and i express my sympathies for the passing of my mothers memories come strong on this the mothers day one year from her passing and he still feels the loss greatly. We are like old chums catching up on the spirit and soon he says i must call the rest of the family and there are many in the list so i love him and send him on his way, i am beaming from his very ancient and loving hearts grace and feel the connections that have all been renewed the day before to all we have meant and done with each other. I go to my phone and have missed two calls, one from Siddhartha and one from my love. Siddhartha is first for he is my SAT delivery agent that set all this into perfect motion and in his great heart i am. He calls to assure me that i am headed to the great divine manifestation and not to let the misguided loyalties of the material world confuse me as this would be detrimental to my progress. I assure him i am ready and the fear is almost nonexistent. I feel no pull to protect my family or my work, all is being prepared for my deliverance. he is my messenger from the universal telling me the way is set i only have to follow the very real signals i am receiving. and this i am sure of and tell him so. He tells me to be sure i know that this transformation is mine alone and is not the deliverance through any other agency or being and this too i am clear upon deep in my consciousness and in my bones of being for when you enter the void, you are forever alone. and my recent journey has stripped me of any foolish notions of companionship or friendly aid. i am ready and he tells me there is no thing to worry about he will prepare an exit strategy to manage everything. and i feel the truth of what he says and i feel the future now as a memory and i know the passage is made and i am just waiting for their physical manifestation to be complete always the slowest runner but sure and transporting my entire altar of being without complaint and as my greatest devotee. all is love between us and i will make the reservations to fly to him this june.
i then call my love and tell her also and she is demure and sweet and in her own life and feeling the mother love that never changes an ever empties but always fills her life and spiritual growth. we touch briefly and i feel the tenderness she is experiencing after the loving darshans of friday from the female forms of the mothers manifesting in the physical plane. all is love for her and i am loathe to disconnect but she is too fragile a bird to hold for long.

I am off to my walk and am struck with the cloudy windy day it is and walk swiftly and without pause but filled with the wonder and the beauty that always changes and fills every instant of my consciousness of this world.
at home we have a couple of hours until the mothers day dinner planned for the family and i meditate before the perfect flame of the mother candle i lit this morning. an hour later i feel exactly the same, expanded, refreshed and loving. we dress and i am loving my slim figure and how i can wear clothes that before looked lumpy on me. we fly to restaurant and expect an long wait and are told it will be an hour for the table for 8 i order, we sit at the bar, ginger ale for me, and there are distant old friend sitting and celebrating their new grandson, and we are transported again with the happiness of the tiny giant love consciousness from the babys oversized carrier. in minutes we are whisked to a table and slowly all the family and my daughters boyfriend gather. the meal is fun and we are all in some kind of joy with presents all around, when while eating mu sons wife begins to choke, and she spits up a wad of packing material in her throat and then uncovers wads of melted plastic in her food and we call the manager and then my son rushes her to the hospital to see if she is alright for her throat while not blocked is sore and painful. the manager is an idiot and says well we are sorry and i will have another meal prepared for her. I told him its ridiculous, she cannot eat and had to be taken to the hospital, but the make one anyway and we are sitting with the grandchildren and not saying anything to worry them, just that mom had to go get checked to be sure she is alright. Meanwhile i speak to the manager and explain that his inexcusable lack of manners and the poor quality of their kitchen work has spoiled not just her meal but possibly her health and our mothers day celebration. I pay the bill and even the waitress tells me the manager is a total jerk.
we take the children to our house and we play and watch tv for the next two hours until my daughter in law is returned healthy but with a painful abrasion inside her throat. we all hug and kiss and say our goodnight s and mothers day is done and i slip away to meditate one last time before i find bed and rest eternal.

Monday May the tenth wonder

the mind pales at the break of sleep. the thoughts limpid, liquid, lazing in their opening, not willing to let go of the dreamy quality that is the natural state of the mind. i seem to remember the sounds of singing and light from a source not of this earth and then a descent as fading images evaporate behind expanding awareness darkness, candle light still flickering casting the first thoughts into the glow of the air almost visible in the warm atmosphere. i see the clock at 4am and hear the silent hum of my connected being the vibrational energy that sits stirring inside me all the time. i feel the cord to the infinite and to the self and both together expanding and retreating through my consciousness. the neurological system integrated where nothing else can the synapses release chemicals and the universe exchanges instantaneous integration of the principles of existence and and the human matter of starting the body energies from deep slumber and flowing revitalization.
i stand in my underwear grateful and fascinated that my existence is so filed with amazing treasures of living a fully human life. My thoughts reach to my calendar and know i am up to do my purpose for this day, to go to my work and be present for a presentation by our VP. Then dentist at 2pm and the rest is meditation. i feed and release the cats fix my toast prepare my shake and vitamin and extracts. I enjoys every instant of my eating and drinking and contemplating the dark and the coming light. i am holding my ascension dear to my heart and feeling the change in me more and more. the place i sit is the nexus of my awareness but the source is somewhere around me, in every point of existence is the connection to the infinite aspect of awareness and the source the channel of the pure consciousness of my newly opened awareness. this is the time of my life the mountaintop atop all mountaintops the open before me the aspects of all existence and the unending unity of being.
i prepare the way before me and take my loving wifes small honda to drive as i have let my beast go to its true master and feel so perfect in its exchange. the tiny engine slides perfectly through its automatic gears and i drive steadily at the speed limit though the tiny car warbles below and above the set speed depending on the spinning of the rubber bands in the transmission. i am pleased and the jazz music sounds like i am in a concert hall, her perfect stereo is such a wonder, for in my old beast the radio is drowned out by the loud engine and the factory system is far inferior to this alpine stereo. the music captivates me with its ingenuity and soulful mastery. the hawkins and coltranes the downbeat and brushes riffle with every nuance. soon i am there where i always am, the buildings not too imposing and the familiar halls and windows. I do feel a kinship with this place and the halls are empty at this hour except for the VP who i have worked for 7 of my last 10 years. i feel a tremendous love for him, he shows up as early as i and leaves every night much later, weekends and holidays always on the job. I am filled with the signal to let him know my feelings and a few minutes later as he walks by on his way to get coffee i stop him and express my appreciation of all he has done for me and for everyone in this department and my true gratitude for his efforts and finally that i may not always understand what it is he is doing but i always trust that he does. I can see the slight amazement and also acceptance of my short speech and the feelings so clear behind the words and he truly takes may hand and pats my shoulder and tells me he truly appreciates my support and it means mush to him. I feel complete in my interaction and happy i could express myself as perfectly as i wanted to. The morning continues with a feeling of singular love and happiness focus and joy i am in perfect control and connected to the infinite of this awareness while in my individual consciousness. the world feels perfect and i in it and beyond it.

The meeting is fun, i ask many questions but everyone else is silent for the most part. i feel connected to the man who is responsible for all of us and all our livelihoods and i support him from my smile and my heart as he presents his 5 year vision for our department. the $43 million budget is quickly gone through and our goals and objectives made real as only top executives can see them and i feel gratified that i am part of such a earnest vision and work. yes i feel empowered through my love for what this man is trying to accomplish and appreciate the complexity of his vision. I am very glad i came in to see this in person.

Soon after i meet with my director and explain the perfection of my state today and demonstrate my love and focus for him and for all things he brings with him in his life here at work and at home. he still cannot understand the car and my giving it away and the no attachments and never will he feel the freedom i am experiencing. I pass the time sending him messages of support and caring and gratitude and then leave for the day to run to my dentist. my new crown is waiting and i am pleased no end with the all my teeth match and would do justice to any bohemian with a cup of espresso tattooed on his teeth.
i wing home happy after the 2 hours of cleaning and xrays and fittings, and discovering i am the happy recipient of a large refund from my insurance company for the crown, which we all thought would not be covered.

Meditation is my middle first and last names. I sit and let the day recede, and i slowly feel my entire being fill with a powerful energy until i feel like a light bulb lit and glowing. there is no downwelling force no deep pulsation just a fullness and a light filling. I feel plugged into the source completely and just filled with the universal energy. for two hours i am a shining being filled with pure peace and joy for my new untroubled connection. I emerge as the light is fading from the day and the can of soup and a piece of sourdough bread is warmed and i give thanks for soup and bread and know this alone could sustain me for the rest of my existence. I pass the next hour in contemplation and listening to MMY on the states of consciousness and questions from a philosophy professor asking how do i experience and remember the state of pure consciousness and is Pure consciousness always the same or is it always different. and Maharishi say no no no always you should be experiencing it is a spontaneous state and not to be remembered. Like when you take a bath in the morning and all day you are feeling refreshed. you are not always remembering you have taken a bath but still you are always feeling refreshed and that is the same with the experience of pure consciousness from meditation, you are not remembering what it was but you are always feeling the effect and that is how it works. and on and on and on. i so love his little voice with such infinite understanding and patience. I truly am modeling myself to be able to communicate the infinite and here is one of the modern masters of this divine messaging.
the meditation cushion is calling and i sit, this time to pure stillness and i feel nothing and think nothing for an hour, no light comes on no energy moves but i feel the door way and the stillness of the movement without moving and the opening with no change but i am there and the hour passes like minutes. and then i hear my wife rattling and i go out stable happy pure and hug her as greg walks in the door late and tired i can see and we hug for minutes and the energy is between us refreshed and i go to my jacuzzi and sit in contemplation, looking at the little hanging stained glass hurricane lamp the pam received for mothers day sitting on the new little bistro table before me and wish someone would light a candle within it and i could enjoy its colorful glow.
at 9:30 i am passed to my love on IM and we chat until i feel my mind slipping and she is laughing at my bad spelling and i say goodnight and the evening slips between the covers and the pillow and the world is right and fully present for me.

Tuesdays child full of action

management of unconsciousness, the last refuge of the controlling nature. for that which we naturally give up we have released control without surrender. this is given to the body for healing or other restorative processes. I find sleep a bothersome chore. it takes a third of my life, it fills me with strange thoughts and ideas, it holds my attention while i am concentrating on getting though my waking life,for what is living but sleeping postponed.and what is death but the big sleep, the dirt nap, the rocky resting home.i have denied myself sleep all my life for the reason that i would rather be awake and experiencing this world, immediately, now and always and i would be the one living not sleeping for in sleep who am i and where am i and what beings are using my neurological system for their own unknown purposes while i am unconscious. the need to be awake has always been paramount for me ever since i became a teenager sleeping through my little sisters self poisoning. At that moment i resolved to never let sleep unprotect my loved ones and i became the defender of all i was entrusted to love in this world. That has kept me on long term guard duty my entire life. now it is as ingrained as breathing. purposely unconscious action.

this morning is no different except as i struggle through the night and glance clockward at long intervals, i realize there is little to afford me by more sleep than the body will tolerate, just as i no longer can eat more than the body needs so i cannot sleep for other than the purpose the body requires. so as 3:30 appears on the tiny lcd screen of my tick tock keeper of the celestial movement of eternity. today i would get up and do something for this being and not for the combine the corporation the funding mechanism, i would by will alone i need be carve out a space here in the pre morning hours for my own salvation and edification. for i had learned long ago that the enactment of personal will for the purpose of the divine creates a ripple in the ocean of the absolutes destiny of existence and that becomes the will of the universe and it is made so without question. as the will is exercised so is the universal expansion and manifestation. each act of will for a divine purpose expands the influence of the divine in your life.
so as my act i would wake and even earlier hour to practice what i need for my divine expansion.
my first thought is to meditate, bring down the force and light from on high into this physical form. As i sit and try to adjust so suddenly to emptiness after waking and starting the physical processes of becoming aware and grasping all that is around me, i felt the consciousness buffeting against the wave of awareness in the physical form. Just like trying to shut down a computer while it is booting up can result in a damaged registry as the system writes its instructions and moves things around from memory to disk and from bus to memory i realize that i need to initialize the system completely before shutting it down. so i directly say, this will be my time to begin my ancient practice of hatha yoga and what better time to instruct the form in its perfection that when it is first writing its instructions to the cells to begin the mitochondraic processes to produce energy and effect the proper division and recreation of the cellular tissues.
i begin the neck rolls the shoulders the arms and hips and finally legs and feet ending with a bone snapping joint popping back extension and manipulation that sends rushes of energy up my spine and through my brain, i imagine i am truly doing yoga as i can only afford the pre position warm ups today defending my situation by saying, i need a refresher course on the essentials. but i feel refreshed and started and make my way a little after 4 am to the kitchen of my longing for mornings rituals.and they go sweetly and swiftly to their conclusion and the satisfaction is thrice the normal for my senses are fully blooded and ready.
where there is light there is a source and where there is a source there is a seeker of that source and i am that to this force this power this amazing destiny of divinity that reaches around the world to find me in my exact energetic state and acknowledges my purpose and my contribution and my efforts to be prepared and ready for awakening as this body is for me each day of its existence and for this i am its happy companion. I feel the body like a fat dog suddenly given the correct diet and exercise it has always needed but was consistently denied. that which is natural reasserts itself and the flow of normal functions is optimized and the change is dramatic and accelerates the senses.
the greg mobile awaits and the monster of the roadway sits in grand style at my doorstep. for one that has lived in the compact and gas reduced vehicles since the seventies this is two cars not one. the trunk could hold a smart car alone and the rest would still overflow a normal parking space in this modern world. american excess is revealed in giant lounge seats and legroom so great you must lean forward to reach the controls on the dash. everything is magnified and i feel like a small boy being driven to school by his giant parent. and in the drivers seat greg looks perfectly normal in these surroundings, and i understand what we are made for and why American cars are so much more than the imports for undernourished global inhabitants.
but the ride is the smooth glide of the pleasure yacht and the sound system is full and melodious although this morning we do not use it as i begin a monologue that lasts the entire drive and i find myself recounting the changes of my thought processes and the uplift in my intelligence for understanding the workings of the divine and my recent realizations and experiences of this long past weekend. as we arrive at the office i note that no time has passed in my awareness and that i am able to transcend that construct through use of my awareness and its sharing with the other occupants of the immediate surroundings.
the offices are empty and we begin another dark morning in the lit confines of my second floor office and hidey hole here at my home away from home.
my writing this morning flows like the river of conversation i just competed with greg and again i am unaware of the passage of time and again i fumble with the childlike spell checker of the blog that is like the little slow stepbrother of the ones we are used to in microsoft products. the suggestions are laughable such as unmanliness for unmanifest or the oft repeated (no suggestions) for simple misspellings. I have to use the spell checker and as usual re read the entire blog word for word and try to catch my missing spellings and grammar. though i never change a word i do replace ones i have obviously left out. I release it to the world and usually i take the time to actually read as if i was the dispassionate soul that had never seen this before and happened upon it during my foolish web surfing while being paid good money by my employer. I am happily pleased by the result and then set to my tasks of the day.
what is love for me but the feeling of perfect fit, the soul in the mind in the body in the environment in affinity with all the other souls around and there i am at peace. and this morning is that day and i know i am exceedingly happy for whatever may come.
and soon i know the Rajas is supreme as i whip though my work and discussions and set up meetings and outline upcoming projects each with force and direction unhampered by laziness or disinterest or distraction. but first a long talk with my beautiful office neighbor and the regards of her most special quality, her shine, the look of her eyes and attention on the world and the nuances of the psychic that she refuses to believe is anything special in her bur she thinks is the same in most people, and i tell her the difference is the degree of manifestation through the personality and in her it is predominant and that is what attract everyone to her not her most divine features, and we talk until she realizes that she does have special awareness and special gifts and it does not go unnoticed and what the uses will become of that gift she carries so perfectly and we part as fine friends and she tells me she so enjoys our conversations and i wish her every happiness in her long life. the i am ready to attack the work as Arjuna attacks his enemies, without quarter or regret.
immediately i call my loving guru and thankfully brother to discuss my coming to Boulder as he asked if that would be possible and i have already arranged a week in mid june to join him in olympia. and i have received a gift from my greg to obtain me a flight to Denver for the upcoming silent retreat over the first weekend of june. Siddhartha is delighted and i go to make the arrangements with my loving benefactor.
my days splitting sojourn to the refuge of the migrating fowl is special today, i am feeling happy and complete and loving my newly minted body parts my chiseled consciousness and awareness and the bliss that floats me where before i was heel pounding now i am tiipy toer through the tulips of life. I pause to take a short meditation at the halfway bench before a beautiful pond with and island and birds resting before me. I close my eyes and rest a moment and have the visions of my previous entry. the universe and the energies and their pro genesis of awareness an the abduction of the SAT into the rapture of experience and how i can choose to end it for my being and settle unmoving into the untouchable unbroken event horizon of the SAT where i am witness to the workings of the parabolic manifestation of the beguiling existence of consciousness. the reverse elevator removes me and brings me back as i have only minutes for this entire revelation to transpire but in my unconscious state i have hours of contemplation without notice of such things.
the walk continues and the contemplation is now dominant and i wander the trails like a drunkard on the mend.
the office supplies me with a half veggie wrap and a small green salad for my troubles and i am so perfectly content after the 3 mile hike i have a wonderful project planning meeting and am especially difficult for my consultants with my quickness and questing of their projections and planned efforts over the next six months.

meanwhile, my love is preparing for her interview and i am sent lovely pictures of her dressed in uncharacteristic black and white and while she looks professional. it is not her and it does not reflect the fire that runs through her heart body and soul. she sends me little snippets of her experience and it all sounds very promising and i wish her well and by then the working is done and the movement is to the land yacht and the smooth travel homeward where i feel the SAT just lightly entering and i holding at bay so that i can be properly situated before it comes full force. for it is strong today and impatient and i reluctant to be under before i can even get to my room. as soon as we put ashore i lumber sea-legged to my cave and change and settle immediately to the crown of warm honey and the descending force filling me like liquid electricity. my head nods forward and the current increases and i stay bent forward for the next two hours as i let the force bend and thrust and manipulate the formations in my system . and i wonder if i could ever live without this divine companion as i have surrendered all else to it. there is no fear in me for i feel only the divine will and it has my life from here on planned and i will be its most loving manifestation of that. the evening is upon me as i exit the hall strengthened and lightened and soup and bread is the supper and i am complete. I set about with greg confirming my travel and then i must run to get supplies for my breakfast needs as i have run out.
by the time i return it is almost 9pm and i realize i have missed the conference call with Siddhartha and while i do not feel unhappy i wonder at my inability to maintain a memory for time and space events that are yet to be. after meditations there is little orientation of time or place remaining in me.
i resolve to get the calls on my calender and hope that will be sufficient to remind me.
my love is having late dinner and we have a few words of our pure supreme amazement at our story book lives and how long this has been ongoing and perfect no matter the distance or the differences in our physical situations we have always been in loves communion. where the wind carries us we are held by all the angels in heaven, souls of one purpose and one meaning shall never be denied the harbor of happiness and solace in this lifes unending travels. where the bed lies so do i and the candle of love is burning brightly and the weight of the blankets fits me nicely and i remember little else.

Wednesday Home alone

where are we when we sleep and where do we go when we return.the lights seem brighter on the other side and the passage between the two seems short yet infinity lingers where the two connect. i see my morning as a candles light that seems brighter than a 60 watt bulb when i open my eyes from the darkness. The tall mango colored candle has been burning for 2 days and is only on quarter drawn. my tiny lcd says 3:45 and the air has a neutral feeling neither cold nor warm. I cast off my 6 heavy blankets that cocoon my in my travels through the deepest night and stand for my salute to the form and the aspiration of perfection in the body. let there be limber and free connectivity of my body parts to the whole of my self. let the kinks and aches be loosened and healed. I stumble through the balancing on one foot and weave like a drunken windmill as i go round the sun. but in the end i feel an amazing clarity and alertness unlike my usual first minutes of the early mornings. The coffee decaf and toast raisin and the 20 capsules and tablets and the smoothie of fiber and soy and vanilla orange sicle flavoring is lovely as usual and fill me completely and Greg is here and it is time for him to leave and me to stay for this is the wonderful first day of my new schedule. work from home wednesday and friday. i feel liberated though i love driving with greg and the great conversation and companionship he brings even if not a word is spoken.
I settle to completing my pre work tasks, this blog is number one. I fly though my 4 pages of what i was and from no point is there any connection except through my higher self to the experiences that existed before. i am in the moment of creation as i re experience the flow of my life that now exists only as energy and affected matter. i finish and then set to my appointed duties, handling the many works and tasks that remain from yesterday. for it is now today and the world is still in the throes of yesterdays control, the attachments to what we were doing before sleep interrupted us. I spend the morning in conscious action, go through complicated teleconferences and with gregs help am delivered successfully from all the morass of doership. I soon am dressed for my days wonder of wonders, the 4 mile walk through the lake trail. and this day is magical not for the same trail and scenery and connection but in that i experience the timeless moment throughout the trek,as i realize i am only a block from home i have no sense of time having passed or any effort to my steps that seemed so full of all the vibrant life of the open nature all around me and i remember the life force of every green and colorful being around me melding and uplifting with mine and the full expansion of that force from our communion. i am in a different space and a different experience of my being that is still always and set into the very essence of that which is unknowable. i see the energies in play and realize i am distant from them but supported in my living by them. and where i am is not the living but the experiencing of the i am fully disengaged from the process of being alive yet am fully aware of its nature. i return to the house and shower and change and return dutifully to work and do not rush to meditate though i feel its desire its love its enfolding pressure of delight. i realize that my work my putting off of the meditation to when i have completed my duties is like winding the works that increase the compression of the force above me. i know when i do sit there will complete saturation and that is the state i feel every day after work. the immediate descent of the force the chit the SAT through my being, into my essential self through my physical energies vibrating and expanding through all the layers of my density. i love my new life, my new experiences and their meaning that has no words or reasons only unending expansion ananda and lightness.
I complete my 9 hours and at 3:30 i leave my computer and sit in my location in my filled to the brim room of satchitananda, dwelling of the experience and the physical discomfort that is pleasure intensified. i feel the immediate flow and the initial chunkiness of the force pushing away the energies of the day that have manged to stick to my inner entry point of experiencing.the sat chitters its way through me like an electric puddle that expands into the pond of endless force looping around and around in my essential eggshaped energy form.
i experience myself as the energy i am and nothing else and two hours pass unknown between except for the discomfort to the physical that moves its legs every so often to relieve the pressure.
i emerge a thinner being a lighter being a expanded state of knowledge and awareness. I hear greg returning and am stuck immediately into an e-mail from work that arrived while i was in meditation. i compose the proper response to a ridiculous demand and within a minute the correct outcome is signalled back to me. I feel there is no difference between work and life it is all controlled energetically and responds immediately to my direction.
i am full of conversation and keep greg involved in a minor monologue of my experiences as a new life form in this body.he tells me his impressions and he is seeing me as truly the new evolution of the spirit. his responses are so loving and i am truly aware of his greatness.
let the night go and the hot tub come and the moments in to the 9pm and there is my loves companion and he is grateful and sweet and loving and i am so filled with my love for his life and sacrifices and devotion and he says they will come to visit and bring me good food to store and eat every day. My love comes on and it is close to 10 and i am almost asleep and type my usual gibberish that i cannot control or see the keys and finally i get some control enough to ask a few questions and connect and say adieu and love and i move to my sleeping corner and feel the warm heavy wrapping of my dense blankets and comforters and slip deep into a slumber that has the point of contact and the entry point to the infinite.

Thursday Expansions contraction

and the world has no place to stop no brakes or handy rest areas to need. the path is ever in giant ellipse that faces to and away from the giant thermonuclear device crushing hydrogen into gaseous plasma less than a light day away. we synchronise our metabolism our sleeping and waking patterns our visual acuity and permutations to the light we receive. the dark is our only salvation from the tyranny of the sun and even then the sister moon is watching probing through the shades and whispering cross the open spaces. but she is not dutiful and the peace of the new moon is upon us. i sleep where the world can find me, alone in a simple mattress on the floor, the blankets piled thick and heavy, for i want to lay still and not walk without my soul through the darkened hallways of my mind.there are untold pathways that reflect the emptiness the void the darkened space of beings absence waiting to snare the unlucky wanderer somnabulating through the corridors filled only with the projections of mindless thinking. and it is from this earthly prison i awake, alert glad for the rescue of my inner timekeeper reminding me of my promise to myself that the morning would be an absolution a celebration to the awakening spirit and sleep numbed body.i press my hands to my skin and the contact is fresh and soft, the eyes see well in the candle light and the pupils expand to absorb more photons and gaze through the reflections of the purpled walls to the neat book racks and clothes closet and the meditation pillows jumbled against the table and chair. i am arisen and it is all as i hoped. i stretch using the ohm count to control my breathing and heart rate. my newly slimming form bends less painfully than before and i go through the streches and asanas of the hatha practice and feel the bubbles of energy rise and the sterling awareness jewel in my consciousness brightening with clarity. i am truly breathing the cool air of awareness and am feeling the very breath of the forces visitation, cool and fresh.
the kitchen is open and clean and i set to my morning ritual and soon the world is revolving without sun or moon outside.
Greg is awake the shower jetting and the coffee now gone and toast eaten. the pills devoured an hour earlier are now dumping untold benefits to my form. i feel the super charger of the mental in gear and the engine of being is at full bore ready to engage. the mornings drive is another monologue of my untold memories and poignant understandings of the countless times i had acquired this state for only a few hours throughout my life and the adventures in consciousness i had pursued unaware that these were unusual for a teenager or anyager for that matter and the drive smooth and powerful as it was seems almost non existent. At work i am a demon of activity and cannot stop my verbal expression or brake this awareness from its expanding rush. At lunch i am accompanied by a friend and his life and changes are all of work and family and mine the mastery of the human with the ascension of the spirit. the walk is completed in half my usual time. the afternoon is dry meetings and perhaps too many questions and thoughts get expressed as the director becomes agitated and defensive. as the afternoon comes to a close a final battle ensues with the behemoth of oracles stepchild and the hundreds of users are slowed to a crawl and assaulted by a myriad of problems. i suddenly feel the world collapse in me and a headache push to my awareness. i have to sit and suddenly realize i do not want to deal with all this now and long for the drive home as i am already half an hour past my usual leaving. the issues are traced to a rogue module being overused without coordination for all the other activities going on and is shut down. we escape by car and i fall into a deathly stupor. Tamas has risen and i have crested on the wave of rajas and been flung from my silver surfboard into the cosmic wipeout of the tamas. at home i drag myself late into the meditation spot and collapse, feeling nothing and dwelling on my day spent in outward pursuits and ignoring the needs of my inner self, the work i flung myself into, the constant talking, the walk not alone but in conversing about work with another and finally the collapse of the physical that marks the beginning of the contraction phase. i think i have scared away my SAT love and feel empty. i slump into despair and the crown of honey descends.
i feel some lift some hope and the crown persists, i have not been abandoned and i think the SAT must need me even in my broken connection it comes to me, a whisper of its usual force but there none the less. i start the engines of my chakras slow and pendulous and feel the dry riverbed of ananda they turn in. i imagine the waterfall and the flow and there is a beginning a trickle but it does not rush down. i resolve to just sit silent and stop my visualizations and let what is be.
the helmet of love sits and i beneath its pulsing warmth and pressure. i am the reposed form of human acceptance unaware unthinking silent. the moments have presence stretching time to hours where only seconds go by. i feel unconscious and suddenly realize my torso is alive with the melting force, my body filling with the familiar waves of liquid electricity
i am pleasing to the SAT once more even in my tamas and i feel a rush of love for this unknowable benefactor, this giver of life where there was only empty gestures before. so great is my love i am in tears and weep like a child reunited with his mother.
i wrap myself in the down comforter, white and copious in size and appear to be a bowl of vanilla ice cream with a human face atop. i am warm now as the force descends all my extremities become chill as the flow draws all the blood to the chakras and renews the vital elements of the life giving fluids.
no time passes but i am cocooned with my love and the feeling is like sleeping with the mother and i have no worries no thoughts no anxieties of time or place or questions. i am in the love and satchitananda of my entire experience of being.
it is dark when i awaken, wobbly and empty inside. in the kitchen greg dismantles an artifact from the ancient chariot of his obsession and the parts are strewn across the table. it appears to be an ancient AM radio. we talk a few pleasantries and we are alone in the house. all is quiet as greg works silently prying into the innards like a surgeon of the salvage yard bent on rescuing an abandoned soul of metal and glass. i have a small bowl of soup and half a baguette of sourdough and am in dire need of food after my 15 hour fast since the toast of break fast.
i find my love online and she is feeling her child heart and its pain is rising with her uncovered experiences still locked into her soul and every interaction is touching on her "wounds waiting to be healed" and her words bring tender tears to my eyes and i so love her gentle poetry of the heart. we are both in the contraction and she is already in bed and i to my jacuzzi, lights out and staring up into the night absolved of sun or moon and allowing me my earthly designs upon the unknowable emptiness filled with the souls of lit stars and galaxies. the night is passionless but full of undiscovered meaning and i find a painting to be created in my lonely vision. a canvas painted the top half black featureless complete, the horizon beneath, the sun white yellow and below the full cobalt blue of the endless sea, and emerging from the depths are human hands and arms reaching up into the blackness. I share this with my love before she sleeps and she says that is where we both are, the void above the ocean of samsakaras and the sun of enlightenment below and we in realization reaching up into the awaiting void.
and i to my awaiting bed to the void of breathless wakelessness where dreams roam unbridled and i the horseman of the night.

Friday tamas continues

the dragons tail whips the clouds into a frenzy as the lilliputian troop atop his back whoop and howl, leaping, holding one handed to their tiny tethers laced to his ridge backed scales of purple and green iridescent and glowing. the air was magnificent and the sun setting pinks and oranges though the vast and beautiful valley below. the wind of the monsters passage was fierce yet a darkness was floating down the edges of the sky without any reason and the blackness became total.
from the part of me that never sleeps and disdains dreaming an insistent urge replaced the joy of dragon flying and i whispered a silent thought as the room of my mattress and meditation seat blurred from sleepy eyes and the candle was glowing without any stirring in its burning light. 3:45 and still too early for sleeping as my almost 5 hours of subterranean nocturne was ended and turned to the ascent to daylight which is still hours away. i slip from my covers and the air is not cold and i marvel at the change of seasons and the pleasant nature of the southern climate in the spring.
i give recognition to the evolving body of my sixty years and feel younger than i have for the last 5. my form slender by comparison, the rejection of all unnecessary eating , drinking and the daily walk and now the yoga stretches that optimize the awakening process and push the newly rejuvenated blood to every part of my unmuscular frame. i love my new life. its uncomplicated pattern that always creates patterns of enrichment of the spirit and the early hours belong to me and the day yet to come. I rise from the final back hip twist on the floor that always provides the spine popping cracks that send a new wave of sensation to my brain and i lift my enlightened shell up and proceed to the kitchen for my morning pattern of break fasting.
all things perfect and the feeling of fullness without weight envelopes my stomach and i set to the morning blog and type with a clarity unusual even for me who would normally make a hundred mistakes in a thousand word session. here the descriptions are precise and inventive the narrative expansive and the descriptions detailed and in the 15 minutes of writing, i have encapsulated perfectly the results of my Thursday and its descent into contraction. Greg emerges packed and wheeling baggage, we hug heartfelt for all his help and loving support for my lonely process and he is off soon to states where there is no tolerance for the kinds of things we do everyday in the real west where men are spirit and riding horses is the occupation of timid adolescent girls.
i proceed to my computer designated for work, with the solid state drive and this light shell. its most endearing quality is that it boots in under a minute and i can start work as fast as i can hook up mouse and power supply. there is a mess of issues in abeyance from last evening and i begin the tracing and documenting of what has been done and outline what we need to try today. I get help from a longtime consultant friend and young seeker who has in the recent past become more ardent of his path due to our friendship. now we work focused on some issues with domain name translation and failed aliases. meanwhile another coworker has broken all protocol and scheduled a meeting for 8am this morning. the notice for his meeting was not sent until 8pm last night. i send him a terse message that i have other more pressing issues to work and will not be attending. greg however saves my face and graciously spends three hours exploring the data structures of the many application we support with the clueless architect who is modeling the existing designs.
I run through the troubleshooting scenarios for the issues i am working on with my friend and we are satisfied that the resolutions have been made. then we begin the reaquaintance of our spirits and a long conversation of my experiences with the force and the dynamic of the satchitananda ensues. he is full of questions and i tell him of the silent retreat and he want to do that. i try to answer all his questions and encourage him to meditate every day to break the cycle of habitual emotion based thought patterns that are troubling him. we part satisfied with our meeting on many levels.
my dear wife is cleaning all around me preparing the house for company as my love and her companion will be coming to visit today, though last night she was having sinus problems and went to bed early and i have not heard from her. as my wife cleans she complains that if i cannot support her and my daughter there is no way for them to support themselves. I tell her there is a part time job as a bakery clerk open at a wonderful german bakery just a few blocks away. this irritates her and she gets angry, she says she has to have a full time job with benefits or nothing. she cant be bothered with part time work where she has to be on her feet all day. i return to my work, unfazed as she mops around me at the kitchen table. I too wonder how much more time i have in this role as provider and husband and father. what am i becoming and what will happen to those i can no longer support. my dream is to become a writer of inspired spiritual discovery and how to type books and i dream of making enough from that and public speaking to still make this life bearable for my family. the real problem is this wonderful house. bought at the peak of the bubble it cost 4 times what my neighbors paid and like wise the payments are more than half of my generous salary. it would be impossible without that salary to live here and my wife and daughter insist they can never move from here so perfect is their life in these four walls.
soon the problems at work increase and the issues continue as the pressure cooker of the company is running on high heat. i stop at some point, lock the computer and dress smartly in shorts, blue tshirt big island hat and white sneakers,DCs, and off i walk at a tremendous gait fully focused on the instant of awareness as i live in my own bubble filled with divine consciousness. the trail is unbelievable and the walk enriching and restorative without measure. Again i am unaware of time throughout the sojourn. i shower and then return phone calls and e-mails. all day the giant servers are being overwhelmed and the directories and file systems are bursting beyond their limits and quick action must be taken to control the rising tide of critical data being pounded into computer screens by hundreds of yearning souls, working nine to five forever.
by the time the afternoon slips away, i am heady with the incipient feeling of the forces descent. i have only eaten 4 dried apricots for lunch and am hungry for meditation not food.i sit and the tamas version of the force enters swiftly. it is a lite version, low on pressure but high on energetic impulse. the electric feeling is like sticking my head into an open light socket. it buzzes like electricity from the crown through my legs, it descends in a straight line from crown to base and every part of my body is vibrating gently.the hours pass without thought and even in the tamas i do not feel any slowing of the clock. the two hours pass as if it was two hours and i rise to a clatter and loud voices from the kitchen. my wife and her old friend are here preparing bloody marys and getting ready for a night out. i take her friend aside for her husband and i have been long time friends and we are also both of italian blood. her eyes are heavy as i tell her of my transformation but i see the tiniest bit of dreamy desire for the experience in her eyes as i explain what i am going through, and its the weight loss everyone notices and gives my story its validation for i have never been a diet maven and have always carried 30 extra pound, two thirds of which are now missing. my wife whisks her away to secrets unknown upstairs where i never go and they finish their drinks and are off. the house is silent once more until a few minutes later my daughter returns from her part time work at the toy store. she too looks tired and asks me What is there to eat? and i walk her through the frozen section of the family supermarket and she rejects everything. i tell her i cant help her then and she gives my a what am i supposed to do look and slightly irritated goes upstairs to change. I used to always be sure to have dinner ready for her when she would arrive though sometimes it was not what she wanted, i would try to make sure she would eat, for she is so picky she used to literally starve herself. now though i feel no compunction to prepare her meals, for she is no longer a child and her fate is to feed herself.
i talk a little with my love on the road texting from her iphone. i am feeling filled with the force and its lineage of masters and history of the foretellers of the plagues and curses of the flesh that have passed and are yet to come. we chat for a few minutes as john the baptist might converse with the maiden at the village well and then she tells me her head is hurting from texting in the car, and i ask her where she is going and i get the smiley face and a Love You and she is gone. I feel loose and disconnected from all. my wife upset, my daughter dissatisfied, my love gone to nameless destinations for unknown reasons and i in my fortress alone and dry tonight. I write listlessly and decide to torture my readers with my thoughts, dark and perverse as they are. i even take the texted conversation with my love and publish that for the edification of my worldwide audience.
i am not in a happy mood, somber and puzzled by my dark purpose and wondering the meaning of the force and its choice of me, of all that there could be in the world and is this a meaningful occurrence or just the chance of birth and relationship and proximity. and for what is that a license to be, a spiritual example, a poster child for the movement that has crushed every previous master in the rush to commit dreadful acts in the name of righteous following and fervent devotion. how would my tenure differ for i would say the same things the same divine principles for the unknowing but interested and feed them their required spiritual dose before they retire to their fornication and entertainments that precedes it.
i listlessly break some copyright laws downloading the recordings of MMY from a web site that is being sued by the TM foundation for releasing his recordings free and to everyone as the yogi would have wanted, but the truth is hidden by the keepers of the tomb and the diviners of the records and their path is to create the denial of his words even as they collect money for their efforts.
at 10 my love comes online, i feel vaguely irritated and know the tamas is twisting up inside me constricting where before there was loving expansion.I long for the release and the expulsion of the darkness within. for now i feel to be bored and tired of the mindless task of downloading. she tries to speak to me and i answer in monosyllabic replies and some times just close the window with the petty irritation of her passive interests. i need true companionship sometimes and especially when i am in these dark moods, someone with a bright and interested mind, now is not the time for two tamas ridden souls to communicate. i feel heavier and heavier and realize i am having trouble seeing the keys or finding them with my fingers. its like a game where you have to guess what your typing and i am losing for sure to the 37 year old that seems to be laughing at me from the other side of the screen. i finally focus my energies and clearly type feeling tired night and thinking its after 11pm and i have been up since 3:45 maybe i really am tired and before the covers settle into the folds around my form i am lost to any caring about this world.

Saturday No rest for nothing

Northeast is the compass point my head is pointing towards, north of the eventual spot where light would first appear, if there were no clouds covering the eastern sky in the darkness. but behind the rolling and pointed landscape of the valleyed mesas to the east there is only the dark grey smear of the unborn sunrise filled with water moisture that collects from the eddying currents of the ocean 15 miles southwest of my dark and wonderful meditation room. like the sky, i sleep in the grey undawn of the dead and understand nothing of the living, here am i delivered to mine enemies as a sacrifice ready for stuffing with an apple in my mouth and on the platter of delight my trussed and salted form. unbidden to me comes the realization of awareness and the pleasure of awakening. the mind sullies into motion, evaluating the moment, the where and then, with a motion of the neck and the sleep sotted eyes, a glance to the tiny numerals hidden under the bed stand where my new age alarm, that never sings, resides. every morning i precede any necessity for the wash of white noise that signals the clocks attempt to please me with its complete lack of accuracy, for this digital toy has no sense of time keeping but is only a relative form of the kind that actually do keep time. i think this one loses time which is quite artful for an inanimate object full of faulty electronics. but as we like to say, close enough for government work. its around the 4am hour within a few and certainly close enough for a saturday where there is no work and my spirit is ever more eager to start this non work agenda for my soul.
i praise the energies that maintain this seemingly seasoned form and stretch the wrinkled flesh and know that in the image of a mirror, the lines of sleep etch deep in the furrows of my weathered face. i properly swing and sway with the rhythm of the stretching and bending and every day the body is a bit more pliable and the popping and the cracking are lessened in my spine and neck. It is enough that i feel the awakeness greatly open my eyes in the candlelight and the blood is fairly singing in my hardening circulatory system.

the kitchen has the usual flavor of the night and the wandering cats that need their wishes fulfilled before any human needs and all is done in due time as i make the coffee and prepare the shake of fiber and amino acids and meter out the 20 pills and toast the beloved raisins till they are warm and sticky and leave little melted raisin marks on everything they touch.

the first few minutes are divine, the peace and tranquility of the mind, the satisfaction of the flavor and hunger centers of the body, the almost normal feeling of a human in the act of greeting the day that has not yet taken hold. here is the empty spaces of time, the freedom to move and create anything, for the world has not yet imposed its mantle of structures and demands that follow the coming of the sun and the force of its undying energies. i set to my most cherished task, the recording of my life for the edification of a few and why they do and i provide is a symbiosis that has existed for centuries, curiosity on their part and the divine messenger on mine. somewhere the product is being figured and set into motion ,and from it, the flow of the world is shifting, little increment by infinitesimal change until the entire shape of that which is becomes that which is and this. from there the pattern recognition fails and the patchwork of disciplines and spontaneous actions eclipse any understanding i possess of what in this life has been affected.
I see myself before the keyboard enraptured in the act of creation, the fingers flying so fast that keys are touched but so lightly at times the letters are not activated and misspelling abound but i can read every word as if they were my own thoughts and that is the flow i am looking for.
all saturdays are alike in their divine form , the infinite measure of its own longing for reunification and passage of the event that will return all to its original state of unknowable emptiness, unconceived and unreflected in any sense or meaning. why that is, is the unknown, why existence is only the sideshow, the dog and pony for the howard hughes production of what makes the universe so meaningless and where does the real meaning of life become a paradox of nothing existing, for the instant of recognition and fulfillment of some unknowable play of unthinkable unconsciousness. that i will dwell on and contemplate when all matter ceases to matter and all light is ended. but i know the truth now, and all psychoanalysis is laid bare for its band aid on the psyche. the feeling of emptiness is not a dysfunction of the mind, not an alienation of the soul, but the exact opposite, the fixation on the living and the myriad forms is the delirium and the neurosis of the modern world and we live in a giant padded cell to sooth the nervous animal heart and quiet the massive human thought machine, creating scenarios upon scenarios of doom and certain death. for we come from the void and we surely return there and everything in life is focused away from that and yet it is our foundation waiting to be embraced and then lived as though death was as familiar as the coffee black and hot before me.
in each particle of the universe, the infinite awareness of the void is kept whole and realized, but in every instance where man is in full realization of this connection to our own immortal being, we are sent rushing to the world to smother that realization, to stop the scream of recognition, to forget the game ending play of the emptiness that is the truth of all things.
and i do not feel sad or depressed but rather exhilarated to have discovered the secret life of the soul, the slumbering giant of awareness that knows nothing but the void and is busily reflecting all that it is, not as a show, a play of differences and telling of this is what is not the void, but is surely that which shall return unmade to the emptiness from which all things came.
and the world merrily chugs along, ignoring the truth and making believe that all is as it seems and the only problem is the cost of pharmaceuticals and the time needed to distract the children for as long as possible so they become indoctrinated into the lie of existence.
the morning is a wonder of the writing and the thinking and the morning sun comes up without a sign except for the grey light behind the low hanging clouds. and i feel to meditate and the connection to the unmeaningful SAT is palpable and i sit lonely and empty in my pillows and feel the slight electric charge of the chit vibrating my bones and teeth ever so lightly and the buuzz of the connection shifts my system into a different gear of awareness. its touch is light as the tamas would have it but ever so sweet for my form which feels no pain from its intrusion, so welcome and unknown.
hours pass in the charged positions and i finally emerge, thinking not for the first time, what is this play and how does this change my life and what is the manifestation of the divine beyond even this connection, every day, to the SAT and CHIT and the ANANDA that is so precious to me and for which i would surrender all my relationships and body parts to keep.
yearning as i always do when leaving meditation i wonder why i cannot stay forever, what is it in me that i need to overcome to stop this restlessness that overtakes me even as i am in communion with the everything and the nothing of my desires. i must find that and end it for my self is not my self and my desire is not for this world of things yet here i am in the world wanting.
i no longer dread my despair or pain, but enjoy its invaluable truths and plays on my waking consciousness, for each moment of the darkness just brings me closer to the source.i drink its black nectar and embrace what cannot be named.
the time is already eleven and i dress to walk as the first rays of the sun begin emerge and the chill of the mornings breezes start to warm. i feel the slow tamas as my usual gait is a bit reduced and the sense of time is magnified, but only between thoughts and the entire wondrous experience is, as a whole, brief yet covering an hour and fifteen minutes of my day. refreshed i take a few minutes to relax and find out the happenings of the day and go to the warehouse store to get presents for my sons 27th birthday celebration and there is not anything i would not do for my wonderful boy who is a man of men and the holder of the family jewels and the father of our scion in lucas and the adopter of his fiery latin wife and daughter. i am so unbelievably happy for his success and hope that when he has completed his ordained duties, the passage to the spirit will be swift and complete for him.
meanwhile i get him the entertainment he needs to keep the darkness away and delight his senses a while longer. in the ancestral demesne, i return to my meditation and have another hour of pure bliss and feel the stroking pleasure of the ananda of my love, ever widening and filling the tamas laden stupor of my awareness.
i emerge hungry and feel the pit of my emptiness after my long communion with its source. the soup and bread fill me beyond need and i settle into chatting with my love who decides not to come as the party tonight would be too distracting for me and she wants me all for herself and i wholeheartedly agree for i want her too as much as she would give.
i ponder my life and relationship with her and am given to the love that i forget sometimes until i actually see and touch her as if i have been in a dream of denial and then the miracle always, happens, and there is nothing i would not do to just be there in her radiance forever. and this too, i know, is false but so wonderful in its realness for i have been human so long that even my dreams are real for me and the only dream that is real is the one that is lost in the end of thought.
the afternoon drags on as the teenage daughter of another mother is preparing for the prom and her friend and her, all dressed as zebras and quite nattily so, and they look a lovely couple and are such close friends and i wonder why they do not mate but that is the play of the world, that which is the simplest solution is by far the least likely but they are having so much childish fun, all are caught up in it and the afternoon rolls into evening and its time for the dreaded birthday family dinner at the bright shiny new restaurant at the mall and the very opposite of all that i desire, we clump in a corner of the noisy crowded vestibule and watch the hundreds of mongering eating and waiting humans drinking the locally made beer and cocktails, each with the hint of fever in their eyes except for the children that really are having fun with it all and scurry though the milling crowds playing in the wide tri-panelled circulating entry door that whirls and whirls letting in little blasts of the cold night air.
the hour wait extends to an hour and a half before our party of seven is seated in a long and awkward booth and the end chair is set in the aisle for lucas who feels left out of the togetherness of the cozy booth seats, but the triangular crayons and the kids menu of games and puzzles and grandma's directions and her childlike attitude quickly cheers him up and we are begun to order the local food that i have eaten a million times before, as the same restaurant and brewhouse was my second home when i worked for five years away from home in the trendy locale of westlake village.
the meal is a lengthy process of appetizers and drinks and finally the entrees of which mine is an unwelcome small green salad and cup of some meaty looking minestrone soup, the same as i had eaten for my lunch, but whos contents i have no awareness of,and which would have normally been my only meal of the day. i have no appetite and do not share in the delicious appetizers and only drink water. i dutifully eat my share of the celebration and keep up a conversation at the table since it appears no one has anything to talk about which is so often the case with this family and i love it because, truly what is there in life but the performance of our duties and the occasional respite from them, and what of interest is there in that, so talk is minimal but i try to make light chit chat about tjs work and the everyday lives we lead.
by the time the final Pazooookie, baked cookie with ice cream, comes with candle on top, compliments of the establishment, it is 9:30 and all are full and boxes readied for take home and eventually i am sure the trash at my house because leftovers are so unpalatable by the next day for my picky daughter and my wife, of course, is trying to diet and she will resist eating the fat filled foods and i am glad for it.
on the way home from the feast we make the the trip to my sons townhouse, only 3 blocks from the ancestral manor, and we have a short but happy unveiling of the gifts, the marvin the martian t shirt and the Chargers football team logo pocket watch on a desktop stand and the movies and clothes clothes clothes and of course some spending cash and we are done and pleased and all went well, with no trips to the hospital or time spent reprimanding children and finally, my daughter driving us by the way, and she drives way too fast, much like her mother and father did, and we are home by a little after 10pm and its too late for the jacuzzi and i spend a moment with my love on the chat, then by 11 pm i realize i am loosing focus and the world seems like a fuzzy green pillow and the bed a magic carpet to the endless world of not.

Sunday Gone Meditationg

the thought is the mother of the action, though sometimes it becomes the child of the reaction. the time before waking is the emptiness that is never filled, the particular expression of the consciousness in unconsciousness. for there the mind is undirected by our will or our compulsions, unlimited by any standards of the personality. the freedom allows the mind to assimilate every sensation translated into the neurological system, even those that arise from the experience or non experience of the SAT. the negative space defines the rest of the composition, the silences and pauses in the sounds and actions, allow what comes before and after to resonate and create anticipation, for inside we know what we want to happen and we have the satisfaction of what has occurred. there must be emptiness around everything, else all would become timeless and without space. for time and space are the measures of emptiness, the distance and the slices of the clock, waiting till the next beat the next object, the next awareness. so as we drop into the emptiness, we become attuned to the fullness, the range of existence for we have a set on its boundaries and its limits imposed by the sheer lack of experience that is contained in and around each instant of existence in our neurological response. so it is with dreams that all these awarenesses become a jumble of unworldly experiences that create havoc with our senses of time and space. for the brain has an undecipherable ability to store these sense memories in illogical structures that exist unknown to the observer, the experiencer. for where does a smell go that belongs to a moment of unequaled discovery in a persons life and how do you attach a feeling to a face and the sense of rising where you fly yet never have you flown with wings or rubber legs. these sensations exist in full experience in the memories and the energy structures yet none are instantly attainable unless we have recently experienced them. but they are attached where we cannot find them to things that are somehow made to be related by a part of our consciousness that we cannot experience. yet we are the experiencer if only for this life and this form and we are not the controller of the memories but only the experiences, so where do the memories go and what is the purpose of maintaining everything where we cannot access it except by accident or stress.
the world awakens me with its insistence that i experience, its requirement that i continue to be a mass of knotted energies sustained through consciousness made into matter and that the true meaning of this function of the descent into the layers of density is the experience of the bliss that is the awareness in matter that we are the experiencers for. and for that, i am happy to be alive, aware and in full possession of my human and divine faculties for this life.
the early hour is 3:45. the stretching is a blessing for the body and mind. i feel the immediate spark of wide awareness and am fully ready to engage. the cats already are waking and expecting. i care for them as the coffee brews and the toast burns and the pills pop with the drowning of the shake i make for my bodies continued happiness. the spark of expectation is in me and i feel the days ending with the smell of its opening. there is a liveliness and an emptiness that is unrestrained and allows me to be without thinking it. by the time i finish my post of saturdays experiences i am ready to create new ones in my life. I start by setting the baseline for my awareness through connecting to the SAT. i sit in the room of my dreams and reality combined and allow what will be to be. I Wonder at first if i am in tamas still or if i will experience a new direction a shift to the clear and empty satwa of my spirit.
the darkness of my center is full of undiscovered light. i feel a great lifting or is it everything is dropping away. i float in my being and feel the wash of the chit across my forehead and the smear of the warm buzzing beehive of energy descending. but this time it is not down to my lower chakras, nor is it stuck in the seventh, instead the intense carbonation of the force enters my face and every opening is filled and there is a quality of light and activity in its purpose. i feel the force throughout me buzzing but in the eyes and nose and sinuses and jaw there is infinite activity unrestrained. for two hours this continues without a break and it si not tiring or painful but fully involved and powerful like a pressure wash of the senses. the force relents and relaxes as if letting me know its done its ordained duties in my earthly neurological system and i collapse to the floor in gratitude and thankful prostration.
i exit my perfect hall of the SAT and feel normal but alive the force still buzzing in my energetic centers. i see the clock, the time shows over three hours gone by as i am unaware of the time passing in the meditation. I prepare myself for my daily sojourn and set forth with a pace of determination but carrying almost no weight. i think of the days of backpacking when we would carry the 65 pound packs and after a week when the food was gone and useless items burned, the packs would be down to 45 pounds and we would feel like there was no weight and we could practically run with our lightened loads. like wise the continued weight loss has reduced my body by 20 pounds and my legs are feeling the spring of their strength being more than i need to lift this lightened load. Again i marvel completely at the amazing wild bird refuge of the south eastern end of the lake where a small finger of the estuary sits out of the turbulence of the main body and there in the dead trees half sunken thousands of egrets and herons and fowl of every description are nesting for the coming summer. the bushes are aroused with blossoming purples and whites and yellows and blues abound on every bush and grass and tree. i sing with the living earth and my connection in every particle unending and am filled and fulfilled in the communion of the form and energy of existence recreated eternally.
the pace never slackens and the swift return to my loving domicile is a full five minutes before any previous duration, not that i experience even a moment of time passing during my walking. for it is revealing of the experience not a acquisition of sensation but the exposure of the timeless relationships of the energies of life. my wife asks if i would go to the store and get milk eggs and my daughter needs a thumb drive and one to replace the one she lost that her boyfriend loaned her. I agree and decide to attempt going to costco, but first an hours meditation will be needed as i feel the SAT descending uncaring of my scheduling.
I sit showered and cleaned and in my shorts and t shirt and feel the sat descend immediately, i hear the dishwasher in the kitchen noisily cycling and i feel the conflicting of the processes but then i hear as if emerging from the noise a deep basso profundo vibrational tone in the back of my head and the volume quickly expands to block out any other sounds and there is like a swelling of the very low note and my head begins to vibrate and as it does the note becomes a lower tone and begins to descend down my spine the vibrations becoming lower and lower as it descends my entire spine vibrating with it and then it connects to the root chakra and my entire system feels this subsonic vibration that fills me with the need to empty everything from my body. i sit with the deepest vibration i have ever felt much like an earthquake at the edge of perception might rock the senses. after a short time i have to go to the bathroom and i get up and do so. i realize that there is a tremendous crown of energy on the top of my head and the vibration rushing down my spine continuously. I experience it regardless of what i do or what actions i take, I do go to the store and purchase the needed items in perfect equanimity although when i left the house my wife took one look at me and asked, do you need me to drive you? i dont think you should be driving. and from my high and distant vantage point i could see her love and tender wonder but i wanted to experience this amazing connection this profound vibration of being in me in the world of action. I was completely calm and peaceful, i had no care but for this wonderful passenger in me and its forceful message of transformation. when i returned unscathed and with everything needed, i returned to my meditations and another 2 hours disappeared in constant flow and energetic peace. I felt full of the energies of the intellect and the understanding of the spiritual process of the spirit and the descent into matter and the intense yogamaya the world is experiencing and realized there is no escape for the spirits in the bodies, the density and attachments have become so filled with tamas and have been so long separated from the ananda of the form that there would have to be an end to yogamaya in the most biblical process the ending of the forms ability to contain spirit. I know this is the mission of my brother, to awaken the experience of the ananda and detach the spirits from the bodies as quickly as possible before the inevitable recurrence of the 27,000 year cycle completes. eventually a new form would emerge and a new cycle of spirit descending into matter would renew and the ananda would be pure and unattached and the perfect balance of the bliss in matter would be re-established. All things seemed so clear and inevitable on the human plane. there are no secrets in the flesh only energies waiting for manifestation.
I write a lot this afternoon and spend a deal of time chatting with my love before she leaves to her program that she presents for her many devotees in the great basin of los angeles.i am alone and with my family in form only, for we occupy the same house and we care for each other but there is no need or drama going on, just the day to day activities and i am so pleased with the natural state of our lives. i enjoy an early evening jacuzzi and am welcomed with pure warmth of the form to match the warm flow in my energetic being. There is only me and sky and the newly arranged back yard whos orderliness is pleasant to look at. the night is uneventful and i listen to my brothers interaction on the Saturday of the weekend retreat an feel such affinity for his ferocious determination and familiar voice. i am truly moved through his 2 hour recording and send him my feelings in a quick e-mail. I see the certainty of my development over the last 10 years and the process of my constant awareness of the emptiness and the realization of only that in every state of spiritual practice that i have been involved in. each time i felt that i must have been missing something, others would have amazing visions and experiences and i found only the blank wail, i spent years in clairvoyant practice, with no thing to guide me relying only on the emptiness to supply me with my awareness. through it all i was on the threshold of the SAT, but had no name for it. I was in the obscurity yet had surrendered everything. i did not work to aggrandize anything for myself, i had nothing but what was needed and spent all my money extra on my own spiritual quest or to help others. finally my disease had taken away even my attachment to this form and my very ability to control living. I was fully in the motion to be prepared for what has come to be in these last six weeks. and no wonder it has been like a ride on the worlds biggest roller coaster at speeds i never imagined were possible in my connection to this unknowable truth.

the night is long and by the time my love returns to the IM after her program, i am tired but happy and find my self tripping to my room for the adventures in consciousness that i know will never end.

Monday of the spirit

the obscurity is a favorite topic of my brother. all is obscurity, not the gross plane of conciousness not the attachments to pleasure and pain, not the tremendous yogamaya of the spirit unwilling to leave the form, but the simple opposition to clarity that surrounds all things in the physical form. Here am i, awakened to this force that has dominated me yet in an instant dissolved and everyday the clarity asserting itself in a thousand instances of thought where before not a single thought brought clarity, although i was touching the plane of the psychic in my writing and had the knowing of the unaware in my possession. but i too have felt what i call the contraction, the process of stopping the outward expansion of the awareness to allow the force to build much like the pressure in a hose will decrease if you expand the diameter of the tubing, so some contraction must take place to allow the force sufficient mass to again penetrate the opening. for in all things there is the action of penetration and the non action of receiving both go through the process of expansion and contraction to fullfill their function. when both are in contraction there is no function when one or the other is in contraction than there is great difficulty, when both are in expansion the action is smooth and purposeful. so there is peak function in one quarter of the possible combinations. too often we become focused on one state or another and use that as the determination of our ability or range of development but this is not the truth. one should always focus on the greatest period of expansion that has been experienced as the benchmark of the development for that is the proper state when the greatest expansion is possible. then when the next most auspicious combination arrives we can feel the natural process that will exceed that last greatest expansion. always have that last greatest state in hand to be ready to exceed it when the personal state is in alignment with the deliverance of the force.
for even when the force comes it too has layers and layers to move through in order to act upon your nature and its bound energies that would resist its passage. the more we can let go the easier the descent. use that as your mantra, let go let go let go, and then feel your self descend as you let go, the vacuum of your descent pulls the force down to you. it is in this unending release that we connect to the unknowable and it enters the form then the bliss can spread thoughout the empty form
until we are truly empty physically and in our attachments and mental control we will have resistance to the descent of the SAT.
I awake to the world of obscurity and create the light of clarity through my practice. the mornings are softly neutral now, not cold and not warm. the yoga quick and awakening, all the actions of my breakfast delightful and satisfying. i feel the SAT in me and still present now continuously for the second day. I drive my wifes small civic to work and feel no passion for the action, just the sacrifice of all those old habits to the presence of the SAT. releasing the car karma has allowed me to be free of the drives contraction and i feel only expansion during my drive.
work is swift and tolerable made bearable by my quick and cold walk through the refuge where i make an unbelievable discovery on the far south trail of the ponds. there in one location is such a collection of flowering bushes and plants that the smell is like heaven and the colors are divine temptation. I spend minutes filling my senses and am amazed i have not been down this part of the trail, due to the time it normally takes to reach that far. I will include this loop in every walk now for this is too wonderful to miss. The tawny golds and bright giant whites with deep orange centers the billions of tiny blues and the long purples and the smell of nectar so sublime i am lifted from my body to enjoy its more subtle range of flavors. i am heaven sent even as i return to work and the long afternoon where i am hungry when i return and have a garden burger after a wonderful interaction with one of my very loving friends at work where she tells me,you have to eat, you so skinny, and i laugh wondering how someone who is still twenty pounds over the standard for my height can be thought to look skinny and know that is the american ideal and also my face is looking gaunt and thin more than the rest of me for it is in the face that i have felt the force of emptiness residing the most this weekend.
i am loved here by my friends and she tells me i wish you could bottle whatever it is you have and give me some, and i wish that too and i know in my heart that someday i will have sufficient Shakti force to do just that.
the work world winds down and i feel the force growing in my seventh and sixth chakras as i drive the busy road home. The house is quiet and my daughter is leaving for her tests at school and i have the house to myself and the meditation begins. I am fully dressed and my hands in my pockets as the force descends and i feel the powerful energy move through me and the waves of bliss envelope me in their chilly wings and i am gone to the world for an unknown amount of time. almost two hours have passed when i return buzzing from head to toes with the force that is still converging. i feel the steady buzzzing and the statice bliss and fall forward from my perch and glance at the clock and i feel disoriented and stumble into the kitchen just as my wife returns. i prepare soup and bread and sit for a meal in hopes of finding a ground to set this energy upon. i begin doewnloading the Maharishi recordings that i am so enamored of and listening to a set of talks to his trainers from 1966 with their lovely british accents and such delightful questions. the odd aspect of these recordings is the constant coughing of both many people in the relatively small group and the maharishi himself throughout the hours of his lectures. but the words are so beautiful and the concepts so huge yet in such simple explanation even i understand everything he describes. the jacuzzi calls me at 8pm and i spend a long time there in contemplation of the enveloping marine layer and the dissapearing sky still slightly grey from the recent sunset and this is my favorite time of year the days getting long and the air still cool and moist. i am in my own heaven and i do not look forward to the travel i have planned. as i reneter the kitchen after my bathing i feel discomforted and i realize the contraction that is taking place my body in small revolt against the expanding emptiness and force of the last 6 weeks and i aquiesce and have 4 teaspoons of rasberry chocolte nugget sweet vanilla swirl ice cream and the body feels comforted. i listen to the recordings and do my downloading until i tire at 9:30 and find the way to my room where the 4 day candle has melted into a giant puddle by some freak occurence and i go to my rest and love the life i am in.

Tuesday tempest full

where there is divine light the body is no longer slaved to the gross nature of the spirits attachments to the pleasure of the senses. the body become the transport and willing partner of the spirit to transform every aspect of its physical nature to support the new structures of the ananda and the supreme mental which uses the human neurological system to express the unfathomable communion of the individual nature with the absolute principles of existence and the unmanifested unknown.

in order to accomplish this the body must be strong and willing, unsaddled with the habits and desires that come from the gross personality of the spirit that is suffering from the delusion of physical obscurity. when this occurs there must be a period of surrender and total letting go of all notions of ownership of any physical part of the system. the spirit is only the companion to the body, using it to bring the SAT Chit Annada to this plane of existence. without the body, the connection to the physical plane where the Chit enters the physical matter cannot be realized and transformed into the ananda of matter. the connection exists but no bliss is created and the forms remain in their inert physical form. truly the transformation of the inert physical to alive consciousness of the matter is essential for the next step of evolution of the spiritual being which is trapped in its ethereal nature and the body which is trapped in its unconscious physical matter. only through the combination of the two can the new evolution take place which is the manifestation of the divine through the dense physical matter.

All must be done and will be done but by what means and through which confluence of influences and unending recombinations of forces and parts of the form is yet unrevealed. on this planet is the potential, for here the spirit takes on the advanced sensory and neurological system of the human developed specifically for this possibility and it has been used for thousands of centuries to create the exact combination of spirit and matter that can release the tranforming ananda to the unbelievably dense matter of the gross planes of existence, for it is when the matter and the spirit find their fulfilled consciousness in total communion with the highest aspects of all existence that the SAT can be released and the true nature of the universe and its manifest meaning will emerge and the dichotomy of the being and the unbeing will no longer obscure the manifest and unmanifest sources. the universe is young and the passage to its completion unknowably long and truly contains the aspect of infinity which is the unknowables face for that which cannot be expressed but only experienced and what is in the gross form the separation of all physical matter through the expression of time and space.

as the experience super cedes the minutia of the physical the experiencer touches the unmanifest absolute and all separation vanishes and the realization of the instant of infinity is enough to change the neurological response forever. from then on the system is prepared for the experience of that which is not in human form and cannot be experienced through the physical neurology but must be prepared in the energetic assembly and its connection to the physical state. as this is prepared the senses become unimportant and the psychic takes the dominant position, here thoughts become abolished unless serving a useful purpose, the intuition, the connection of the psychic to the physical though the human mind becomes the activating force for action and will, all is sublimated to the psychic and its direction either knowing or unknowing to the divine intercession.

once the soul is pointed properly and all human attachments are minimized there the being waits for divine intercession, if the psychic is truly ready, the intercession is swift and immediate when needed. all human qualities are then removed and the prepared and interceded being is struck with the connection, unmistakable to the force of the divine and the constant action of that connection to prepare the spirit and form to create the unknowable manifestation that is beyond the abilities or understanding of the individual to do for its self. here the intercession of the divine force is all that is needed. the individual needs only to conform to the very clear signals that are brought from the connection to the divine. there forces will actively work on the system to eliminate the dependence on human resources and all energies and activities in the body will draw life from the divine forces and not the gross dependence on physical matter.if the human can succeed in following these prescriptions the passage is swift and sure and there is a feeling of great joy and gratitude that encompasses the soul in transformation and a growing sense of awe and realzation as the awareness becomes super mentalised in the human form.

As i wake in the morning of Tuesday, i feel the caress of the force upon me and the dim light of my candle expands to fill my eyes with the warm colors of my meditation hall. the pinks and purples of the walls are soft and melt with a merger all their own with my divine awakening.i suspect the day will be special as they have all been recently, but i feel a loving balance and emptiness after the contraction of the previous day. I slip wonderfully into my streches and warm to my own awareness in the ever increasing light. The breakfast is swift and the preparations for work neat and efficient and i take to my wifes dented honda for passage to my ordained duties and specifically for her lasting support and the security of her human form and its attchments.for myself there is nothing no pleasure taken nor outcome desired, just the performance of my promised roles and responsibilities therein. the work is the same that i have done for the last 15 years in one form or another, create smooth passage for the users of the software and expand the ability of the software to meet their ever expanding requirements. It is a constant process and while it always changes it is always encompassed within those limitations and expectations. on the human side i have shared every feeling and attachment of everyone else i work with at one time or another. the difference is that i do not stay attached or in the delusion that what i am experiencing has anything to do with my spiritual being that is here to do a divine mission that is still being revealed even now as i am truly in communion with the divine and being transformed into her instrument.
i now have a greater awareness of the effect my nature and my realizations have on the souls around me and actually to the degree that i apply this to my work, the quality and output of my labors. For i now understand perfectly what is required of me in every interaction and do not hesitate to bring up what that is. I respond to the individual signals of the situations and can bring to bear upon them my now greatly expanded capacity for arriving at the correct response or activity needed to generate the most favorable outcome for the task and the expectations of those is like the play of children and the compassionate care of the loving adult that helps them through the experiences that have not been integrated into the childs life until that moment when there is need for the loving hand of the parent.
i take on a task that is slightly outside of my responsibilities but is necessary for a favorable outcome that will affect both myself and greg and complete that by the time the lunch hour is half past. the day is overcast in fact, in the morning unusual rain, for this month is by far always dry, was falling but had cleared to cloudy by midmorning. I went straightaway to my walk and it was balmy and pleasant, all the flowers as beautiful and delightful as i had recalled and i swiftly returned within an hour from my 3 mile walk. There on my desk was a warm present that my good creative loving friend had brought me, a container of tomato soup, vegetarian with a small bread stick. I was as empty as my body gets and from the exertion of the walk, my appetite was unleashed and i set to the warm well seasoned fresh tomato soup like a famished pilgrim approaching mecca. it was truly divine and the gift of love and i was truly in smiling contentment and gratitude and humbled by the love i am shown everyday by those who here at work understand some of the great transformation i am undergoing and try at least to ease my considerable burden of balancing between the two and sometimes three worlds i coexist in.
the afternoon goes swiftly and with much of my busy work moved into the out pile and i set forth home with the wonderful realization that i have truly been in the moment the instant of consciousness, without end, all day long and even on this minute drive through the traffic of the truly obscured, i am untouched and feel the gliding presence of the force throughout the slow and unhurried drive, for i realize to my soul, there is no where else to be and nothing else to do but be here in this moment for all that it has to offer.
As i arrive home in a perfect mood and in love with life and thinking what a wonderful experience it has been to drive my wifes car and its wonderful sound system that allows me to enjoy the soulful jazz music all the way home and i enter my home where my wife is laying supine on the couch watching Oprah or Ellen, and she immediately starts yelling at me with contracting fear and anger that i am destroying her car and i am going to leave her with no money and no house and now i am going to leave her with no car and that i have to get my car back. I immediately dropped into reaction and looked at her unbelieving, this had to be an outside energy trying to disrupt the flow of my transformation. I told her that i was not the person she thought she was talking to and i no longer am in charge of that and i would not be getting the car back that the car is gone, get used to it. I sit in my meditation and looked at the issue without stopping for a half an hour coming to the truth that i could not take responsibility of her obscurity that she would have to work through this. I would offer her the way to find her spiritual security but i could not do anything for her except not be reactivated by her upset.
thankfully, the force was finally able to find an opening in my disrupted awareness and i settled smoothly into loving force and a wild realization of the meaning in my life. For there i saw thomas the messenger and the coming of the Rapture, the end of yogamaya and the loss of all form except those that have manifested the divine in their relationship to the body and the delicate relationship and purpose of the divine to attach to the physical form and the manifestation of the bliss in matter through all of the gross plane of existence.

i am in a divine mood and a feeling of ancient purposes reborn in this rebirth coming from untold ages of past yogamaya cycles. I suddenly decide to arise, and i remember that i needed to send my denver itinerary to my brother so i logged into my email and saw the reminder for tonights conference with Siddhartha at 7pm and it is 6:58. I take the phone into the room and call in and turn on the speakerphone and drop back into the chit and ananda of my meditation while i listened and joined with many of my retreat survivors for tonights call. it is beautiful and the subject continually touches on the obscurity and the overcoming of the obscurity and the exact thing my wife is going through and how to work through that, and then he quotes from the gita and in it it says that he who looks to the divine sincerely and steadfast will be denied nothing and all he has attained will be preserved. and those are the words that i am very thankful for , though even were it not so i would have no choice but to move forward and find the very conclusion of my transformation no matter what.
the call ends and i feel in pure bliss and go the jacuzzi to relax and enjoy my evenings ananda and stare at the rising moon and the darkling sky. i talk to my love on the IM after i spend a half hour in relaxation and i begin to read Mothers Agenda, and she is reading it with me and we know these words will somehow be our deliverance. I read the most beautiful words that she has given us and am transported until i realize i am in a dream at the keyboard and i go to continue this thought into my sleep.

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