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Return to Galilee

Monday Sept 20

I guess i have gotten too close to the question
and not the answer
i used to feel like it all was ending
and then April happenned and
it felt like it was all starting over again
and that wonderful feeling I was
going to die left me
and some kind of wanting to live returned
i got caught up in the game
feel good feel better want things
theres a future maybe
and enlightenment looked like a movie
I've played in my head
before i thought i would die
and i fell right into it
agreat way to just miss the
whole thing
pass right by the turnoff
and keep on going

References to liberation
the meaning of surrender
i place the gun to my head
and pray for the strength
no one answers
the moment i decide
evereything will stop
until then i am trapped
finger on the trigger
unable to go or stay
awake in a dream
where freddy kruger
tries to wake me up
and feed me cookies and milk

i walk into the room intending to do something
its a simple task
one thing
iglance around
an idea comes to mind
produced by the mind feeding
on the images of what it
sees in the room
the possibilities are endless
i think i was closer before
to the truth
the effect of dying
on the thought process
the acceptance and surrender
to ending
now there are possibilities
and knowing is gone
along with the surety of the end
and i think living again
is purpose enough

what does it mean
who am i
or what is truth
what does it matter
ina a universe of madness
existing for an instant
done and begun at the same moment
we extrapolate understanding
when all we are is mist
and the sun is rising

shovel, man
to dig
to make a hole
the mark of man
on the universe

the child that sings
we become
without thought
without training
without worry
we are lost children
in search of home

and what of love
and the divine communion
that man and woman feel
perfect love compassion
for each beautiful soul
in such perfect form
shaped to their lives
their life shaped to the form
yet i yearn for this
the love
the connection
the desire
such beauty sets me free
from every thought or care
only the moment of recognition
of my perfect self returned
can make me whole again

what is the truth of i
how is it become
the i in me
or the me i experience
when the experience ends
i begin
and me ends
i has no experience
is not conected to me
is never involved
yet i am
in me
i do not experience anything
i holds nothing for me
i never demands or accepts
what is me
who is i

this is not about the words
its about the fear
the making mistakes
revealing the truth
of being untrue
what would i possibly say
that would not be true
i lie and that becomes my path
i change the world to make it real
but the truth is never changed
and a lie is also true
if you lie you make a path
to the truth
sometimes i just say whatever i want
not truth not lies just what i say
i cant tell the truth from the lies
they all sound fine to me
so i will just say
if this seems like the truth
i offer it as my example
of fortitious circumstance
or well placed coincidence
only one truth exists
and its right here

fear in paradise
fear that paradise
is a lie
or i am a lie in paradise
something is wrong
when i think its fine
something is missing
when i feel perfectly content
what is the reason
i am mhere if i cannot
accept what my senses tell me
i feel atruth behind the image
the truth unseen
not felt
where does that come from
is it part of me
or am i cast out

i live in the sunlight
my hat protects my head from the sun
on this earth unimaginably large
yet i feel i am a microscopic speck
on a subatomic particle
unaware of the scope of my existence
and in the trillions and trillions
of interlocking layers of existence
i am beyond knowing
beyond understanding
subject to the infinite whims of creation
i am that
undying force
of all
i do not want to know

fell down holding onto a weak stick
full extension
it broke
like my life
a weak stick dry and lifeless
one good yank and its done
i clean up the mess
the best i can
losing a little flesh in the process
the indignity of the bandaid
worse than the damage done

the meditations are getting intense
i struggle to stay with the energy
its coming so strong and i go so deep
i feel no urge to move
maybe once during the two hours i stretch my legs
i feel pain in the knees
but i drill into it
not avoid it
it expands and weakens
then i go under again
like a roller coaster
icome up and the energy is pulsating
then i crash down into the abyss
unknowing released from awareness
blackness everywhere
and the silence is complete

what do i believe
that pain hurts
that love conquers pain
that emptiness is happiness
more is less
no one is out there but me
and i am just figuring it out
what i think i want is a fantasy
what i have is everything i dont want
i exist to realize i exist
to be aware that existence is illusion
and i the deluded experiencer
nothing has more truth
but nothing doesn't exist

maybe this is it
my attainment
this universal energy
this universal love i feel
it exists in me
i cant seem to go beyond it
leave it for this enlightenment
i know everything will remain
only the false will burn
yet here i am
in love all over again

at the fire pit
burn everything
leave nothing

7:30pm monday
end it all
begin living

3am tuesday sept 21

moonset orange and bright
the water shimmers in the silver vibrations
sister of the night
in full regalia
surrounded by stars and galaxies
never ending devotion
the sound of simple giving
singing moonbeams of love
filling my heart with delight
this truly is a perfect world
anything else we carry inside us
only love exists
only truth prevails
winter comes swiftly
for those who suffer
in the chill of moonshine

its no mystery
why we have such a problem
connecting to our soul
there is only one soul
that billions of humans share
we all think of it as our soul
but its not
we only experience the radiance
of its being
the tiniest sliver of its light
yet to that we cling
as if we could hold onto the sun
and not be incinerated
to enter the soul is to die as an individual
there is no secret
we exist to know just that

and i would ask beauty
what is it you lack
for your senses talk to me so sweetly
and all your actions are so sublime

each aspect of your creation
strikes my heart with pain so dear
i know i cannot live without you
yet with you nothing shall i fear
my life is quite empty
you fill it with a drop
i contain only your essence
and the rest is gone and swift
where before it hung heavy round my neck
i know this desire is divinely given
without it i would stop

Meditation 6am tuesday

the 3 cups of coffee and my
fruit vegetable amino acid shake
fill this tiny bladder to its bursting point
but the view of the moon setting
still over the waters of the lake
make it all worthwhile
i sit in contemplation of the body
and its mastery over mind
we are such animals of nature
nothing interferes withj the necessities
yet i know this is nothing to the being
and i go into the pain and the pain and pressure
and there is only nerves and tissue and light
the wall i see is vast and blue
pock marked and covered in pebbly surfaces
i travel its uneb=nding surface
sublime transcendence
i float above it
in stillness so natural there is no breath
no movement but dense matter sealing itself
and time is but a song sung long ago
when the bell rings
there s nothing no feeling no imperative
existence is redacted

I emerge enlightened
every breath i take is ambrosia
crisp and filled with pine and sunrises
all life sings my song of love
i am filled with unending joy
what am i
but this
reborn to my self
alone in perfect harmony

the ananda comes stronger
with every breath
tears of pure ecstacy flow
i am at once
entranced and transfixed
by every molecule of existence
this plate this divine cup
this table so white and
light so yellow and each
face and form
the flowers of divine

what chosen being am i
to experience what god is
his ecstacy his grace
my being enfolding all that is
and in unknown truth
become that as it becomes me
forever this union
of mine and thee
undone once more with such subtle joy
i become each swimming wave
each silent moment
each stone beneath the flowing water
my heart sings tears and tears of thanks
to be here alive
and to know this

in the middle of my ecstacy
i know everything
and i know nothing
and everywhere is pure devotion

the energy of unbelievable force
explodes in my heart
in my soul in my being
shaking like a tattered sail
in a hurricane
i am torn from my life
thrust into mad love
pure fire

the sound of my boots
on the rocky gravel
the sound of my breath as i walk
the whirr of the fan in the kitchen
cool shade of the morning in the pines
transported to heaven in my body
i rejoice to be living
i cry for my love
i die with divine awareness


2nd meditation i dont know what day

into the manifest
depths beyond
i cannot be there
i am destroyed
huge machines obliterate
all that is me
and i fall into despair and abyss of nothingness
the sea of black
the cave of fire
faces carved on every flowing pillar of flame
i undo
unlearn myself
the place below me
rises above me
and both become
the space in between

the length of my stride
is the breath i take
the beat of my heart
is the time i have
the touch of the wind
is my compass to follow
the sun in my eye
is my road to tomorrow
be still this moment
let me be as i am
may every day take forever
as i find my way
in this world i knew
but forgot
until now

the hair on my head
the soles of my feet
this body aged and worn
well done and more to come
a new life before me
i question no more
what is behind the door
for the door
is behind me now
what was still is
but now its done
and what will be
is just begun

no energy left to destroy and delete
nothing remains
i am dragging my last
few remnants along
too tired to let them go
i struggle to sit
to be silent
then i stop
the childlike quiet begins
my nose runs and sneezes
i cough into my sleeve
the holding of my thoughts
like cotton balls in a net
all is simple here
no pain
no energy
no matter
i am complete with sitting
no time conflicts
no thought prevails
emptiness becomes

where everyone is my guru
and my head upon their feet i lay
each a master and my love
let nothing undivine come between us
sanctify this holy ground
and blessings ever after
Galilee a star upon thee
you shine with heavens grace

this quest like fever guides me
with burning eyes and pulsing head
with restless thoughts and stomach dread
all temptation gone
all reason mistaken
what settles is the least of me
the rest washed out in the stream
and what meaning this
to be that which is me
but not me
to be all that and nothing added
connected with myself with no attachments
free to never be anything but that which i am
free from that i would be now
the least of me wanting to be loved

in the cafeteria having tea late
exhausted, empty, knowing freedom in the moment
alone untouched
except that i want touching feeling holding
i am a lonely child
and now a lonely man still
yet not alone and never unloved
but still this soul is in need
and that is the source of suffering
to be so loving always
to be so in touch always
to feel the connection between us all
and feel the emptiness also

i confuse love with truth
truth with knowledge
knowledge with purpose
purpose with meaning
meaning with intention
intention with faith
faith with love
there is no right or wrong
just be that which i am
be the i confused

i do exactly what he tells me
and it works unbelievably
ignore the experience follow the instructions
silent in body, heart, mind
sitting unmoving
i remove myself from time
there is no i there
no experiencer
no time keepe, no one
what happens is nothing
the body stills, settles
the mind quiets, silence
the eyes drift through unfocused dimensions
and slowly stops
the wall unending stands
i and the walluntil the gulf opens
and the darkness holds me
with no hands
and the soul alone remains
there is the source and
there is the silence
unmoving eternal breathless
and from that unknowing i merge
self diminshed expanded with the SAT
and into the world i recover
abd the ANANDA flows with hot tears and
unbearable love
all is this and
in that
is my center pulsing
with the instant of recognition
hammering with experience
in every moment of creation

3:30 Wednesday

awaken quickly under clouds
quick shower then off to the empty cafeteria
i actually feel strange being so comfortable
at least with the temperature
my soul is shining
its my self that is going through the unending medley of emotions
i feel naked
i feel like an open wound
i feel love
i feel ecstacy
I I I all the me's are here
I and not i
the false self
interesting how anything that feels is considered false
anything thatconnects to this life of humans is untrue
wrong, working against the self
the true self that doesn't exist
the realized state feels like sociopathic rationalization
the big lie
you will still have your life after
if you were unfeeling and selfish

wednesday morning

moonlight through clouds
earth layered in night
i am the glow of the coming dawn
watching for first light
all quiet and silent
stillness unconquered
let the madness start
and all drama unveil
dreams reaching their ends
and sleep curling away
tomorrow has come unbidden
and yearns to become today

First meditation wednesday

enter the moonsetting wondrous
we sit immediately i go under
waves of pure ananda envelope me
i am carried on wings of energy
deeper and deeper
i am thelove of my existence reconnected
the truth of my complete surrender
from here i return unblemished but pure
i have no feeling this birth
just awareness of being
the world is complete
filled with emptiness everywhere
no things hold me
no human sound i hear
just joy and everlasting wonder
echoing across all time and space
filling sky and earth forever
meeting myself wherever i go
the bell rings like thunder
and i hurry to breakfast
and eat like bill murray in Groundhog Day!

Chapel of St John
what is here is not of this earth
and your sainted place
is ressurected to the truth
you once proclaimed
be told and listen
for fortune has come
to the chapel on the lake
where this lifes truth is come
17 apostles touch his hem
and feel the light surround
for every heart the moment sings
without the need of sound
and none need ever suffer

even as i experience myself
i focus on the other
as if I and me were separate
who is i that asks me
who are you
who are you to askme
who am i
we cant just get along
i touch myself and feel ananda
i touch another and
feel the ananda
i reach in to myself
and the energy flows
i reach out to another
and the energy flows
there is no difference
i am in love with myself
and i am in love with everyone
when we connect to another
we connect to ourself
that is all we are
just one
but the maya is the play
that each is separate
all different all special
and that has grown into a world of billions
every permutation that can be in the game of self
and we have acheived that
soon the gamme will end
everyone knows that
enjoy it while it lasts!

today i am in
joyful quiet peace
i look at the faces around me
all reflect the light
all shine deeply
i would be a part of everything they are
but i already am
all i need to do is let go
of my notion of self

disturbing meditation
deep deep under
completely enclosed
i come up to intense cosmic
blissful dynamic force
brilliant images phosphorescent color
samadhi deep and wide
i sit blissful
dog runs in and licks my face
i am not moved
the colors shift the images sink
i am in the bath of cosmic
deepening deepening
my limbs are numb heavy
i sit unmoving
the bell rings
i sit and the noises shuffle out
i sit and more return
walking in and around me
until even my cosmic dissappears
irritated i open my eyes
and get up

this is not the ananda of yesterday
now the sky is blue and the sun yellow
this is the chit of being
gone are the pleasantries of sound and simile
now all is a vast dominion
and under its unbroken heaven
all is known and articulated for the benefit
of posterity
because who else cares
somewhere knowledge is a useful thing
but i am beyond that
all i crave is my ananadabut i shall endure calmly
and be ever so humble
while i die

now reality
thats the truth
i think the experience of the self as absolute
nothing beyond or in relation to
all is in this
there is no self but the truth
the being manifest and unmanifest
all divisible natureis redundant to that
the extraneous fillings of the margins
who the being is
the self
there is no other
and all that is
just exists within that frame

3rd meditation
sure of my impending death
i imagine clearly the many likely scenarios
the gastro intestinal failures
the unlucky surgeon the impatient nurse
all filled with bloody stools and probes
burst organs and leaky sutures
long slow hospital dramas
mom puking bright green bile like a river
annnique reaching up to me with her tiny hands smiling
face smeared with ant poison
morphine when it doesnt matter anymore
i sing the body decomposed
and realize the hereafter is probably now
where is the place for this
the death spiral and the tomb laden bardos
what is the organization of conciousness
when you leave the body
one being
no concsciousness
no individual sense
yet what isthat lives in the duality
and what remains when the duality ends
not much sweetness and light
got caught up in the world and
ended up missing the ecstacy

whatever it means
its not that
whatever you think it is
stop thinking
no picture no word no concept no idea
no feeling no sound no imagination
no thing
if it were emptiness
we would still miss
unimaginable is closer
but no cigar
beyond living beyond death
sheilded by the SAT
that is the kingdom of the damned

can anything matter
is there even one thing that has meaning
its all or nothing
SAT or go home
then Why?
is it really too much to ask
whay all this?
why duality if its really bogus
the unmanifest seems dark
is that because it has no light or dark
what is the absence of light if not dark
i should be concerned with my own reality
i the one writing
he seems like a good soul
a thoughtful person
takes no pride or expects payment
really doesnt seem to even be here
his most compelling trait is his writing
and that is quite the mystery
wher is the creative soul in all this
what is the compulsion
what is their ordained duty

the path of knowledge is more sure footed
but longer and without the enviable mood swings
of the unreliable Bhaktis
the tempest and the turmoil leave a bloody wake
bu from the front of the boat
it looks peaceful and serene
the days are numbered and each a stone
or a paving block
each action taken createsits purpose
each purpose moves the soul
round in the fishbowl
yet i would imagine those giant eyes
looking in are sometimes envious
what is the next bardo
the next layer of the unmanifest
where does the horizon lie
in this macro/micro cosmos
all is alike
the systems in our worlds
are a reflection of the
higher orders of magnitude
no such certainty awaitsthe enlightened
here they are masters of non dual reality
but beyond they are the straw dogs
baying for their supper
what is reality?
is it what we know for sure
or isit beyond jnowing.
feels like the twilight zone.

2nd meditation thursday

powerful ascending force
from the root chakra to the fourth
then later up to the seventh
huge energetic fields of layers of colors
saw a giant white wall
the height beyond imagining
i stood at a small door
behind me were
mary and brad and kathleen
we stood knocking and waiting
then a pillar of orange energy came
and my body began to twist
and suddenly sneeze
i felt myself being twirled higher and higher
but i could not top the wall
everything turned blue
and i spun down and own
and i am sitting in the room and
it was very warm
i had been freezing before

sustainable ananda is my intention
to be in ecstacy continuously
i know this is not enlightenment
but i could live with that
i imagine it gets in the way of
the self destruction and wanton violence
but ahhhh......
what exceedingly wonderful it is

monday- i stayed with the energy and remained silent and very still
tuesday- intense ananda all day and night
wednesday- pain of seperation duality awareness
thursday- ascending energies peaceful

blue lake blue hills blue sky
blue perfection everywhere
stillness is natural here
such perfect beauty
leaves me empty
nothing to do
nothing to add
just be
a billion diamonds sparkle
a breeze gently stroking
too vast to hold
it holds me
silent in the sunlight

my tranquility is inexpressable
stripped to my being
burned to my core
revealed as empty
my world sings
and i listen

every spider webs glimmer
and pine fir needles shine
each radiant sunbeam
alight upon the trees
majestic silence
touched with birdsong
such love can i feel
my freedom revealed
through all i find before me

3rd meditation thursday
quite empty
just sitting silent
no energy running
i see before me open doors
the light pouring through
no special meaning
just open doors
the cosmic trickles inthrough my seventh
i let it charge my cosmic battery
i sit quiet yet my breath is rough
i notice my breathing has switched
from my left nostril to the right
i cleanout each of my chakras
and each layer of my aura
as i finish bringing through
the many energies
the bell sounds

there is not one iota of nature
i am not deleriously in love with
each mote of dust
each tiny insect
every blade of grass
and leaf of every tree
the water and beaches
sky and clouds
each a part of me

its funny how at 4am
everything is perfect
the quiet the stillness
it seems as though the whole world
is resting
i feel no pressure
no expectation
no preparation
i am free and can just be
without examination or requirement

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