outside myself

i do things, that doesn't change. the motivation does, the reason i do something has different triggers now. the response is empty, i dredge up a feeling a thought, i sit with the notion it is happening somewhere on some level of consciousness. what it is i am, is not here, not connected, aware but not caught up, feeling and then forgetting.whatever i am here for, is done, everything that is happening is just to see if i still have attachments left. all are transitory.i talk and no one hears. i find those i know disappear as i fade, they are already gone.what i see is that which is in me and not anything outside myself.i have great capacity, yet i feel that which is negative is as strong as that which is positive. to let one happen creates the opening for the other. how do i do this, to let that which i am exist with that which i manifest. all is pure but not all is bearable. its a free wind that clears all and carries no burden. here there is the emptiness filled with pain, let the wind blow.

i have come to india the land of madness and delight. there is no other words for it. there is chaos and destruction and creation and beauty everywhere. in my safe abode in the natural setting of Auroville, i feel safe and peaceful secure from the maddening hordes and wild panic of the streets of pondicherry. yet even there i am at peace and in the flow. in the auto rickshaw or riding my insufferable moped, dying and missing and banging against its tiny dented metal frame. I feel the freedom and the satgnat progress of man in his crumbling edifices of being, piling rock and dirt against the crumbling facades of the ancient roads.here is the heart of the spirit and here i am welcomed more than anywhere i have ever gone. the mother in her force from her maha samadhi, from the moment i entered the ashram, i placed my head upon her samadhi, and then walked to the wall and sat in my simple lotus, the energy descended and did not stop, tears of pain and grief overwhelmed me when i realized that this had always been mine but through my own blindness and ego driven life i had kept myself from her love, then the ecstacy began and the tears flowed unending. I sat in her brilliance and flame throughout the morning, her energy descending in the form of a billion candles raining down upon me. i was emptied and wrung out and burned and my ashes scattered to the nearby bay of bengal, and what remained was the soul of my love for her and hers for me, the recognition of this tiny heart by the infinite love of her supermental being humbled me beyond existing. i barely made my way with my brother and his ex wife, my friend from seattle and i remember the light everywhere, blinding me, taking my heart to the edge of the universe. we sat outside a simple seaside cafe and ate humble food in peace and love, i was truly transported from this world i know. yet this was not the end of my pondicherry trek, the next morning the samadhi again and again, i was at the wall in love with her and the energy gently flowing, i went to meditate at the darshan chanmber of sri aurobindo and while sitting in silent contemplation in the crowded tiny hallway, we were suddenly instructed to get in a line up the stairs.Up to the study and living quarters of the master where he performed all his work without ever leaving for 25 years. I knew this must be some mistake, because we simple humans are only allowed to go up there on our birthdays and you must obtain a pass from the very strict keeprs ofthe ashram, which of course i had not. I was the last in line and all those before me had a slip of papaer, the man at the top of the stairs asked me, No Pass? and i said, no pass, and he shook his head and waved me through. I entered his vestibule filled with the artifacts of his life from the 1920s through the 50's. I was instructed to sit and directly before me were the 4 stuffed leapords baring their long dead teeth and staring at me with their glassy green eyes. I sat in contemplation with the 50 odd others and waited for what i did not know, but i did know i wanted to enter his study where the rest of the group was waiting. Soon a small chime sounded and we were all told to rise and walk through his study for darshan. i saw my brother ennter before me and my other brothers ex wife also sneaking in, then it was my turn and i felt an incredible vortex of dense energy descend through my crown chakra and the very light of existence was made real in me and i felt my tears hot upon my cheeks and the familiar heat of my blinding truth come back to me, here i am seen and recognized by the very forces i have come to know as my personal benefactors since my awakening in April, here the truth is writ large and without question, i am accepted into the very heart of the universe and all it holds dear is that which i am. i am loved by the universe and the forces of the divine. I felt the vortex fill me and expand me beyoind all measure of my devotion that has been so weak and my faith so small, yet nothing questioned me no words or feeelings but gratitude and wonder filled me and i cried as they directed me to accept the pursad of the master and wander dazed out through the vestibule and return to the mahasamadhi of the collabporators of the supermental force. I placed my forehead and my burning face against the cool stone and cried with joy again at their altar of eternal devotion. they who would want no worship or religion based on their teachings. The billion candles of the mother had become a billion flames of transformation then an ocean of flame and finally a universe of red flowers blooming as i sat dazed and tearful against the wall of the ashram.