outside myself

i do things, that doesn't change. the motivation does, the reason i do something has different triggers now. the response is empty, i dredge up a feeling a thought, i sit with the notion it is happening somewhere on some level of consciousness. what it is i am, is not here, not connected, aware but not caught up, feeling and then forgetting.whatever i am here for, is done, everything that is happening is just to see if i still have attachments left. all are transitory.i talk and no one hears. i find those i know disappear as i fade, they are already gone.what i see is that which is in me and not anything outside myself.i have great capacity, yet i feel that which is negative is as strong as that which is positive. to let one happen creates the opening for the other. how do i do this, to let that which i am exist with that which i manifest. all is pure but not all is bearable. its a free wind that clears all and carries no burden. here there is the emptiness filled with pain, let the wind blow.