lastings

i feel uncovered unprotected assaulted from all sides
and no part of me is free
the joy others feel is lost on me
i am separated from the happiness the ananda
only the pain and attachments are mine
and i am done
even siddhartha says something is wrong
i should be experiencing more ananda at this point
i should not be involved with these distractions
i should not commit to anything
be wary of unexpected enthusiasm
you will be caught up in more attachments and
be diverted from your practice
from this siren song that leaves me unfulfilled
dangling where i dont want to be
committing to things i cant support
taking anything i have and turning it against me
if i could be free of this
i would still be trapped
what i have done is all too real in this world
and the strain of maintaining everyones desires
is killing me