only game

they talk of the coming the going the next thing the next wave of consciousness, where humanity is heading. i am only interested in me right now, the limitations and the release of pain, from me right now. not tomorrows or yesterdays. endure, complete acceptance, pain, turmoil, transcendence. what is it i have lost my reference points. what i feel now, i dont know what it used to feel like, i cant compare it to some other feeling, it seems to obliterate all memories and time. the weekend was a horror of frustration and anxiety. on top of that i must endure the complaints of those around me criticizing my feelings and questioning my reactions. fine i am going through hell and am keeping on, on into the inevitable end, whatever that may be,for i have lost sight of what that is, and when i do regain some idea, it passes with the next transition, there is no end, no beginning, just now and there should be something to reflect on but the instant doesnt have that in its power. i am a child and old man, hot and cold, fat and thin horny and chaste, loving and angry. there is nothing i am not and everything i would surrender if that were only part of what i go through, but somehow i am not calling the tunes or picking my dance partners. i could close it down but its the only game in town. so i review what has happened and see only what is and not was or will be and i find i can only keep faith in myself and endure and continue and if this is the way to die then so be it and let it come, i have no particular reason to think anything else would be preferable.