this perfect

in the home of my heart
without family or kin
the love flows without effort or discourse
the light falls gently from heaven
and the food is love divine
the fireplace whispers its warmth
and the wooden walls enfold me
my love is supreme and full
empty of desire
full of wanting nothing
i am come to the end of my wandering
this perfect end
this perfect home
this perfect life

i alone

meditation beyond the form or at least destroy the form
i went beyond for a few inexplicable instants
beyond what i am
at every moment i must destroy that which i experience as me
then feel that which is unknown
the expansion the release the speed beyond this form
frightening
i saw myself die a million times
and each time return
i dealt a million deaths to kill this self'
so strong is the ego
the sense of self separate
that which is not the self
its not medicine i need
but release
meditate
let go of every sense of self
the one meditating
the one between me and the true being
the one experiencing
let that which is be
i let all sense of control go
and feel incredible energies come forth
unknown to the tiny self
i truly let myself go
i felt all the universe in its incredible motion
and the unknowable speed
until i was everywhere at once
and yet there i was
and i smashed that
decapitated
and the next and the next as each experience carried me beyond even my experiencing
and i was in the valley of the giants and the cliffs of despair
and they looked upon me as nothing
all was enclosed in tremendous vertical valleys and monstrous beings
and i was a speck upon the distant cliffbottoms
terrified and enthralled
and i tried to rise up and ascend and ascend these unending cliffs to see the world above
and then i swelled up like a balloon and floated out
and there was a billion stars filled with a billion worlds filled with billions and billions of balloons
and i exploded
and flew beyond form into pure welling magma of the very heart of the manifesting machine
and there in the primordial energies i toiled and dripping the very sustenance of being
i sweltered and melted into the mush of existence and disappeared into the blackness of unbearable emptiness
and yet it was i alone there and i slew that one too
never ending i fled through the past and through every face i ever lived in and each i lived and killed and moved on unending
without passion or fear i killed and loved and wanted and took and made and had until all creation had passed through me
and i had died a million times and then in this body i sat in my energy and opened the doorway to the past lives through my root chakra and took back my divine energy from every life i had ever had
and that energy ran through my kundalini like a firestorm and i created a shell of pure titanium around me so no energy could be released
and i burned everything
and what is left is here now typing these words and seeing a billion deaths like skulls around my neck
where is the end
where is the final battle
where is my krishna
and then i went through my life and everything i have ever had i took to the flame
every pain every love every desire
into the fire
every family member
every memory
and they came like locusts unending
every feeling
every touch
every intuition and aspiration
burned in the crucible
what is left i would scream to the emptiness
and more would come
and i would burn that too
until i was praying that every prayer be cast in to fire
and the very gods i seek
let them all be ash
and the ashes sucked into the cosmic vortex to the very center of the universe and crushed in the darkest heart of the blackest hole of all destruction
and what am i
what is that in this hollow shell says i am
and i killed that too
and the gun was turned even again to that voice
and i fell until there was peace and destruction af everything i call me
and what sits waiting unknowable without a face
i
and i alone
and for a brief moment there was no i
no other no separation
empty
beyond feeling
vast where there is nothing
until
i was a tiny particle of my being dense and separate still
but set in the bowl of despair
and all that i am screams for release to be done and finally finished
but the world sits placid and maya laughing
such is the hideousness of fools
i knew i was there somewhere
but there was little time for my tasks were never done
i let all go gave all to the divine and was no more than the flowing river of roses at her feet
and she let me carry her feet light as angels wings
and i was swept up and hurled skyward to become the songbirds to keep her company in her lonely vigil over creation
and for uncounted eons we played these games but she never left the castle
and i fell from my sky and nurtured the soil to grow her fruit and she ate me and let me become that which i am
her undying flesh
and that is how man was born
i feel the crazy and the sanity of being born to die
in the form that i have chosen out of the greatest love for her creation

nothing found

what matter holds no love or pain
nothing found or lost
there is the emptiness of truth
the flower of waking truly
borne on the stalk of despair
plague this earth no longer
with troubled sighs and
lamentations of the damned
the last kingdom is come and
the red sea is set
moses has come home
chariots blazing

flesh eaten

i cant exist
i expand and the universe contracts
flesh speaks without me
i am undying
the me merged with that which is i
yet here i am somehow touching me in i
let me be that which is eternally void
undying unexistence
i fall to be found missing
i am nowhere yet here is where i feel
i bring my birth to the altar of being
and return my mothers pain
flesh eaten and burned no longer threatens
no longer mine
how can matter be
in emptiness i find the flesh of my soul
breathing flame i am fire and all oxygen spent

only the i

i collapse, the world surrounds nothing and i fall
complete and exhausted from all existence
the revolution turns inside out and i am brought from the inside of everything to the outside of nothing
where every point leads to emptiness
what is possible is impossible
the truth is a lie in every way
all meaning fails
what is true has no meaning
nothing is supreme
we cannot exist
and do not
for we only try to pretend
holding the wavering folds of manifesting matter
tremulous and crumbling in hands formed of mysteries wanting
and shuddering
we dissolve without knowing
all is undefined non existent
only the i is

lucky

i exist to be alive, there is no other purpose and that is not a purpose but a physical reality. organs nerves, flesh and bone animated and strung together with complex amino acids flung against a wall of sensation and from that a neurological receptor aggregates and coalesces around the tissues and there evolves the sensations and the reactions and the eons of imprinting through billions and billions of experiences all tossed into the unconsciousness of existence, the belly of suffering and fear from which we flee into unending fantasies, imagining experiences that do not exist. we sleep unaware yet reacting to the trillions of neurons activating shared subconsciousness and twitch until the life in us resurges and surfaces to the physical reality we are chained to. this is the reality of the spirit, the unending pain of being imprisoned not exalted in the body of a beast. take pleasure and suffer divinely they say but what is that but lies, all lies from every corner they tell stories that have no reality for the true sufferer of the spirit, for there is no seeking only suffering. the soul awaits and has no way through that door, until it is opened for him. no pleading or acting or perfecting will create anything. the door does not open from here. you are alone and there is no one watching to see if your doing it right or wrong, just you making it what it is for you. the only truth is there is none, the lucky die happy, the rest just die.

stigma

where is pain located in the body. for me i feel the liver tight and sharp, the neck tense, the knee and back. where is the opposite of pain, nowhere. the lack of pain where i am numb and absent. in my mind i feel it all the pain points the confusion the lack of love and support the betrayal, i know i am getting too old to trust anyone. i have lived too long and seen the signs too many times, been trusting and felt the pain, i can only continue alone in this life. even now my children are losing their connection and i feel that too. all is leaving as i lose my sense of caring. the happiness is only when i stop myself. stop my ego and surrender to the devils that want only what they need, only what is their reality and need to make it yours.but that ends when the ability to make that real ends
all truth is empty, all reality false, there is no higher consciousness than awareness and awareness denies nothing. what is, is. everyone denies it tries to change it argues about it, but i see just as it is and that doesnt change.we make it what it is, if you only see your own pain then what does it matter what someone else feels. if you refuse to see the pain, then you cannot see the truth in someone else. life is misery, it leads us to accept death as our savior and our lover, nothing else can remove the stigma of existence.