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Monday, October 25, 2010

i alone

meditation beyond the form or at least destroy the form
i went beyond for a few inexplicable instants
beyond what i am
at every moment i must destroy that which i experience as me
then feel that which is unknown
the expansion the release the speed beyond this form
i saw myself die a million times
and each time return
i dealt a million deaths to kill this self'
so strong is the ego
the sense of self separate
that which is not the self
its not medicine i need
but release
let go of every sense of self
the one meditating
the one between me and the true being
the one experiencing
let that which is be
i let all sense of control go
and feel incredible energies come forth
unknown to the tiny self
i truly let myself go
i felt all the universe in its incredible motion
and the unknowable speed
until i was everywhere at once
and yet there i was
and i smashed that
and the next and the next as each experience carried me beyond even my experiencing
and i was in the valley of the giants and the cliffs of despair
and they looked upon me as nothing
all was enclosed in tremendous vertical valleys and monstrous beings
and i was a speck upon the distant cliffbottoms
terrified and enthralled
and i tried to rise up and ascend and ascend these unending cliffs to see the world above
and then i swelled up like a balloon and floated out
and there was a billion stars filled with a billion worlds filled with billions and billions of balloons
and i exploded
and flew beyond form into pure welling magma of the very heart of the manifesting machine
and there in the primordial energies i toiled and dripping the very sustenance of being
i sweltered and melted into the mush of existence and disappeared into the blackness of unbearable emptiness
and yet it was i alone there and i slew that one too
never ending i fled through the past and through every face i ever lived in and each i lived and killed and moved on unending
without passion or fear i killed and loved and wanted and took and made and had until all creation had passed through me
and i had died a million times and then in this body i sat in my energy and opened the doorway to the past lives through my root chakra and took back my divine energy from every life i had ever had
and that energy ran through my kundalini like a firestorm and i created a shell of pure titanium around me so no energy could be released
and i burned everything
and what is left is here now typing these words and seeing a billion deaths like skulls around my neck
where is the end
where is the final battle
where is my krishna
and then i went through my life and everything i have ever had i took to the flame
every pain every love every desire
into the fire
every family member
every memory
and they came like locusts unending
every feeling
every touch
every intuition and aspiration
burned in the crucible
what is left i would scream to the emptiness
and more would come
and i would burn that too
until i was praying that every prayer be cast in to fire
and the very gods i seek
let them all be ash
and the ashes sucked into the cosmic vortex to the very center of the universe and crushed in the darkest heart of the blackest hole of all destruction
and what am i
what is that in this hollow shell says i am
and i killed that too
and the gun was turned even again to that voice
and i fell until there was peace and destruction af everything i call me
and what sits waiting unknowable without a face
and i alone
and for a brief moment there was no i
no other no separation
beyond feeling
vast where there is nothing
i was a tiny particle of my being dense and separate still
but set in the bowl of despair
and all that i am screams for release to be done and finally finished
but the world sits placid and maya laughing
such is the hideousness of fools
i knew i was there somewhere
but there was little time for my tasks were never done
i let all go gave all to the divine and was no more than the flowing river of roses at her feet
and she let me carry her feet light as angels wings
and i was swept up and hurled skyward to become the songbirds to keep her company in her lonely vigil over creation
and for uncounted eons we played these games but she never left the castle
and i fell from my sky and nurtured the soil to grow her fruit and she ate me and let me become that which i am
her undying flesh
and that is how man was born
i feel the crazy and the sanity of being born to die
in the form that i have chosen out of the greatest love for her creation

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