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Sunday, May 22, 2011

eye offends

it may gray here, the 6am sky fogged in. the thought of mountain sky lost in the impenetrable dimness. san diego coastal life, i always thought of this as inland but no more, i now feel like i am just off the sand, the coastal influence is so immense. after weeks in the mountains a hundred and fifty miles inland, views to the ends of the world, this 15 miles inland is a dune on the beach by comparison. i tried to get an offer on the house yesterday but all for naught. the most amazing place, 6 bedrooms( or seven) there is some dispute, all fresh paint, carpet, granite counters etc, beautiful views, but the weekend is no longer mortgage application times. all the dealers are worried about life work ratio's and the soap box derby is going on, so i send out my tax returns and no one replies.but its a nice fantasy to go back and say we got it, the new house, the castle in cuddy valley,but it seems its just that, dreams like the fog, obscuring what is really there, my own suffering. its what money is really about, pain, if you have enough, you can distract yourself from feeling it, if you dont then you have to find some other way.i've been focused on the process in me for some time now, feeling the intensity of the emptiness, the things that come into being there my own resistance and my reactions. there isnt anything else.i felt it was going to push me into despair, as it will and too far in to recover, so i thought to take a couple of days off, ha ha least get away from my nuclear reactor, the source of my reactions, get away from her and the world she inhabits while this one still exists in my nightmares, that one was occupying my waking dreams, and the pain was feeling like a lead blanket, a numbing where i should be feeling joy.overload, surrender has stopped in me, the truth is i am still separate from it all, there is no cohesion in me to whatever she is doing. so i tried to keep it together but im just unable to work though her emptiness and reserve. where i used to experience love, now its a wall, a separation from the world, the union is more like a string tied round me, without a connection, its impossible to breathe. so down to a more workable altitude, in my family home, with the human drama, the moving rooms and preparing for my nieces coming, wild child come to escape, run away, who knows, sounds like she is in my situation, just filled with more pain and fewer options. my eye is bleeding tears and the sharp soreness continues, i thought that was from the dry air up there but now i think its that if mine eye offends me......

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