spend love

when ending your world, notice how the little things become so important. the small conversations, peoples comments, childrens love, although thats far from being small. i'm enlightened by their love everyones love. by myself, i am what i am, it is through my service to others that i experience meaning or purpose. left alone, i am that and have nothing else to do. its in the realization of anothers divinity i become activated, purposful. small things, small moments, uniquely mine shared remembered bring the light shining, the love pouring and nothing i do is even realized just performed in service and surrender. i become that without hesitation, the earth is moved spadeful by spadeful each a small portion of the ananda and joy i contain, each the movement of my being to its truest expression. love of my simran, the love of my brothers for which i feel perfect union, in whom i see only the light and beyond. patience is unknown only the doing of each small task, necessary action, to bring my soul forward in theirs. that is the pathless path, the gateless gate, the doing that yeilds no action. in each moment i live unknowing who this is but being only that motion, the drift and swell of every planetary force, each infinite feeling, unknown but to that which i am become.

kill the guru

not a moment goes by when i dont suffer, i find a way to extract pain from everything. its my nature to want some kind of punishment and to blame. where does this come from, where am i so twisted inside that i cant believe in the mother or the divine enough to cast everything to them and be done with it. i cant do this, it doesnt work this way. the love is not in me
it flows from the universal. i must be in connection with that to have it flow. i am empty, unplugged, released from life from home from love. i am the emptiness. two months ago all love ended. i feel no love in me, when i am around others its empty. i have never felt this before, i struggle with it. you cant force love, pretend love, make love respond. all i can do is wait and look at the way i react, i get angry easily. i am unloved and angry about that, from the bottom of my heart angry.this is my reward after years of work and loving all i can, its taken from me, so i have nothing to support me. i am heading for the bottom of my self.
i am sitting here planning the end of my life, taking apart job and home and family and there is nothing to take its place. i am sure i am insane. i have too many gurus too many enlightened beings around me, the freaking woodwork is full of them and each, surprisingly, has there own opinion, or should i say, truth, about me and what i need to do. its making me crazy. i am dying and they are arguing over the remains.in the philosophy it says kill the guru, i think i might need to kill more than one.

saturday wanders

the day at 5:30, chilly and sitting in a blanket in the dome for morning meditation. the four of us go under and i stay submerge for almost 80 minutes. coming up only to reconnect here and now. i simply arrive, no broken sequences. after a usual breakfast without peanut butter darn, we set out on a hike in the hills under hot sun but still cool air. we wander over steep terrain for 2 and a half hours covering 6 or seven miles. i feel worn out but happy.lunch is bread and cheese ad then work all afternoon finishing the two bed dormer in the loft. i make a quick run to the grocery to get a few snacks and veggies and hurry back in time to go to see super 8. the usual theatrics ensue and we are all pleased by the time the ending credits role. night is corn and artichokes and asparagus with sourdough bread. yum, then a house fire a mile away lights up the night sky and we walk two miles to watch the firemen clean up the mess. its a warm night and soft and the quiet is filled with crickets.

pre holiday living

drove this morning early to the washoe valley house of my brother the enlightened being to see my other brother, the enlightened being also just fresh from india and the mountain. 5am start time ,7 hours in the pre holiday traffic up the 99 to the 80 and down the 395 to arrive at noon at the little house that backs up to the BLM land. the air is clear the eastern sierras across the lake and valley still covered in snow. its beautiful. i hug george, down to a trim 180 and siddhartha also at 180 and i a paltry 175 we are all in our high school trim. george is clear eyed and clear minded, still the joker but only joking. i help siddhartha with a quick panelling of his loft for the privacy of the 2 women coming tomorrow and he is quick and busy with the power tools. we run to costco and best buy and radio shack to get mattresses sheets and bed frames and i run around getting george new headphones and wires and movies as well as vegetables cheese and bread for dinner.we stop at starbucks on the way back and siddhartha discusses my state and future with me. its definitely time to make the cut, stop the madness or start the insanity depending on how you look at it. i am clear as he is that the time is now, pull the plug on the world.the organization can support me. i can sell the house and cars and say bye to the family and job and take over the open position as resident dharma bum, most recently occupied by george, now promoted to second resident enlightened bum. things are looking up for unemployment. We quickly drive to the house and finish the panelling before its time for evening meditation, 90 minutes of no-self under the 16 foot dome. the 9pm i finally make dinner for george and me. artichokes asparagus, everything seeded french bread and bi color corn. i make a quick mustard and oil seasoned dip and everything is delicious. the day is done and i take my evening shower, move into the tiny trailer in the side yard and sit to catch up on myself, suddenly untired and happy. life is good in loving doses...