kill the guru

not a moment goes by when i dont suffer, i find a way to extract pain from everything. its my nature to want some kind of punishment and to blame. where does this come from, where am i so twisted inside that i cant believe in the mother or the divine enough to cast everything to them and be done with it. i cant do this, it doesnt work this way. the love is not in me
it flows from the universal. i must be in connection with that to have it flow. i am empty, unplugged, released from life from home from love. i am the emptiness. two months ago all love ended. i feel no love in me, when i am around others its empty. i have never felt this before, i struggle with it. you cant force love, pretend love, make love respond. all i can do is wait and look at the way i react, i get angry easily. i am unloved and angry about that, from the bottom of my heart angry.this is my reward after years of work and loving all i can, its taken from me, so i have nothing to support me. i am heading for the bottom of my self.
i am sitting here planning the end of my life, taking apart job and home and family and there is nothing to take its place. i am sure i am insane. i have too many gurus too many enlightened beings around me, the freaking woodwork is full of them and each, surprisingly, has there own opinion, or should i say, truth, about me and what i need to do. its making me crazy. i am dying and they are arguing over the remains.in the philosophy it says kill the guru, i think i might need to kill more than one.