behind awareness

the world inside on a Saturday morning, the collapse of the days expectations into the realm of the spirit through silent still consciousness. i sit in my loose yet warm apparel as the morning chill at 8am still pervades the house. the mountains outside still frosted with white from last months snows. the temperature at waking at 6am was 24 degrees.
i collapse on my pillows in my small knotty pine room curtains drawn against the morning light. my eyes close and i begin the examination of what is before me, the lights the colors the memories that continually surface across the mind. i feel my thoughts running as an undertone to the experiences of the mind. examining the bright experiences and colors the memories bring i begin to look closely at the field of the mind. i attempt to still the excitement.internally i blink and everything settles, the dancing memories vanish. i see a giant ocean of light filled with bubbles in a huge glass chamber. it stretches across my field of internal vision. then suddenly i see a image jump to one side, i feel the pull of a memory of yesterdays evening meditation, a sudden jump to my returning home tomorrow. a stream of events explodes like wildfire and an emotion stirs like a burnt ocher sweeping across the vision. i suddenly blink internal and consciously banish everything from the mind. it stills again to the ocean filled with bubbles of light in the huge vaulted chamber. I am understanding now, this six dimensional holographic sensory induction transducer is the mind. each bubble a storage for memories, a recorder and an amplifier as waves of excitement come from the senses or the feelings, the tiny bubbles become excited, the one that reaches its peak soonest is quickly amp;lified by all those around it and soon its playing across the entire field, the sense of identification and ownership, the ananda of the attachment to the objects displayed is full and intense. everyone would want to have one of these. I blink internally and banish the existing bubbling visions, the ocean gleams from a million surfaces of quiescent bubbles. i notice there is a line of spoken words underneath the ocean, noting, this is interesting, so thats how this works. these words are not setting off the bubbles. they dont seem to be coming from the mind and are not associated with the experiencer myself that is identified with the mind. it seems to be coming from behind me. i try to pinpoint the occasional words i hear. i imagine these must be like some kind of command line interface to the holographic inducer. a back door that allows for the occasional patch or upgrade. i feel the words coming from the right side of my neck a little below the bend of the chin under the ear.i sense a separate awareness, i feel something strong there and dis attached from what is going on. I am attaining the silence of the mind, pre banishing any input that might set off the bubbles. i suddenly imagine this construct of awareness like a set of interconnected rooms in a odd shaped tower, and as you progress upward the faces and bodies change, i remember seeing my father in a small cubicle that looked like it was a bell tower and i climbed upon him and reached up the door above and enereted a highest room made of knotty pine and a sparkling light shone from every surface.suddenly i am in emptiness, everything is still and as i approach almost physically the spot where i sense this other awareness i feel an almost unnatural stoppage of time. suddenly i grasp the location and sink my fore consciousness into this hind wareness. as i do the entire mind vanishes, the holographic display is gone, the screen empty. i experience a physical pulling from the middle of my face as if every muscle on the right side is pulling ,turning to reach around to the spot where i have seated my awareness. i am grunting with the pressure and effort as slowly i feel my awareness relocate in this spot in my neck, i cough and realize i am i n the exact spot that has been causing this dry cough throughout the entire silent retreat and the week since. here is the seat of unattached awareness, and my meditations have been pushing on it causing irritation and itching in the very tissues where it sits. i sense there is no holographic construct here, i sink instead into an unending galactic night of exploding stellar detritus and ring stars and expanding dark matter for untold eons of time and distance. i fall and float rise and roll through the universe and the energies suddenly still me, and begin to descend into this unmoving consciousness and into the form that is seated still around me. the world becomes unknowable as all thoughts are gone and words are unutterable. i remember the sense of awareness descending down my spine through every chakra, every vertebrae being pressured and twisted into perfect alignment, the heart unleashing waves of unending bliss, the lower chakras pushing brilliant cobalt energies through this point of awareness. slowly i descend into the first chakra and through lifetimes unremembered. 5 hours later. i surface, still cross legged, fingers frozen, my eyes glued shut, requiring me to wet my hands and rub them on the tangled eyelashes. i am not in my mind and there are no thoughts, i exist and i sense my awareness in the back of my neck. unattached to the mind or any part of the front of the head. i stand like a new born frakensteinian creature adjusting to legs too long and eyes too high. i am alive.