where i go

the world turns on a rusty axis, wobbling and screeching through the silent orbit of the sun. the seasons come and go in unrefined majesty and leave their mark on the world. somewhere in that glory is the winter and the decline. the pulling back and holding under the soil, waiting for another possibility of spring. i am heads down and struggling, not alone but lonely, cut myself off from what i know is mine and what i need to continue, but also know there is more work to be done before its possible to progress. when everything depends on the smile and approval of others there is no true soul, just the joker and the joker cannot rule in his own kingdom. I am beautiful, happy and bad according to the wordsearch game, its true, and its time to weed out the undercover self destruction and sabotage that is undermining what i work so truthfully for. i am compelled to tell the truth now and the lies are my own eyes and soul ever cheating on the cross of my own crucifixion, even as the nails are driven i cannot admit the truth of my own crimes the sins of my own heart to take what is not mine and hold it as my own and the murder of the innocent that would only give me love. its not the world thats wrong but my own fear of being left behind that makes me act this way. if theres a lie its my hearts affection for the love of one who should never have to even question me and never does. there is my family and all her hearts and i the broken orphan she took in. what Dickensian pleasure i have taken watching my missteps and broken promises proliferate like cockroaches in my life.
it ends now or i will die. there is no other way let love be free of sin and deceit. let my soul be finally completely free of falseness and mistrust. I would walk alone with mothers hand in mine if she would have me from now on.

living matters

there is within us the supreme sacrifice. unconscious, we have surrendered ourselves to the separation from truth, from love, from unending bliss and peace. birth creates the transformation from pure spirit, being of unfettered light, to passenger of the flesh, child of the mothers womb. the light is outside of us, it pains the eyes, the air is filled with sharp odors and the flesh is cold and wet. the moment we exit the birth canal, we are overwhelmed with sensations and feelings, our innate nature of light and fullness is crumbled beneath the million separate experiences of endless change, every action creates a thousand reactions, every sensation releases new feelings and all of existence is the play of mismatched differences, light and dark, hot and cold, held and let go, then the hunger and filling and emptying, the seeing, touching, untouched and always the sense of being somewhere unknown, alone, missing something, the thoughts and dreams become feedings and washing and faces, faces with eyes and faces with feelings and there is fear and anger and desperate love.

the child is come to the world from a soul that has no limitations, no requirements, no sense of other. and all that is turned into the physical and mental restraints of the birth the world the evolution of this finite creation. even the most wondrous life is less, somehow missing the unfettered freedom of pure being, and in every action thought and feeling, we reach to recapture that, pure divine ecstasy, in a billion perversions, all the twisted reflections of the truth.

this life we are subject to the demands of living in bodies, being a finite grain of sand, a desire to be more than just meat on its way to slaughter. we reach for a vision of truth, joy, love, remembrance of the moments of transport to another plane of consciousness, a world not of worlds but beyond describing, and we fail, often and with great suffering. the misery is compounded by knowing that we are not alone. the world is in utter misery, for there is no way to connect to that which we were , only that which we want to be. and what is that? the dream of power, safety, money, love maybe? or just desire, losing oneself in the very flesh that entombs us.

this life is empty, all things are shadows of the real, there is no substance except to go from form to dissolution. as Einstein remarked as he watched the world he wanted so much to understand, energy is neither created or destroyed, and all matter is just a formulaic expression of that energy. we are that highly complex equations proof. and beyond that formula, we are the creators of the form, the wielders of the artists tool bringing forth the very world we suffer in. there is only energy in an uncertain state, waiting to be acted upon by another energy, an organizing principle, an unaware condition of the unconscious mind desperately acting upon the stuff of unspeakable desires. we impose our lusts and fears and desires, misdirected emotions are the blueprints for the world we create for ourselves. We wall ourselves into our tombs of despair, unable to see over the top to the truth, we are the architects of reality, that's the truth of why we are here. to experience the freedom of choosing and seeing our choices come to life and intersect with the universe of choices. each voice is a word that is made true in the stuff of energy transforming into matter. we bring the monsters and then fear our own creations, where love and peace have dominion, the fear underlies and corrupts, where despair and pain rule, miracles alight and saviors materialize. all the world is the garden of children's toys. and if all becomes too much and this world to painful, sweet divine brings us back and all is forgotten and undone.

its a game of existence, where the rules are made before we get here. the beginning and end, the forces at play that rule the physical and mental playing fields. Arjuna told Krishna, I cannot do this thing, for all that matters to me in this world will come to a horrible result, i cannot lift my sword. and Krishna laughed saying All are already dead by me, there is nothing you can do but act without fear and thus attain freedom from bondage of doership. There is no life or death for the being within, only unending truth, what the body experiences is not the being, but what we can know is that we are not this body. the flesh is the truth of this life, but not the next.

unexperienced suffering

what love awaits when suffering ends

this moment there is truth, all else is but shadows fading

I feel as though my ego is protecting me from fully experiencing the suffering

the self wraps around the trembling being within, preserving its fragile connection. what is it in you that wants to be dead?

the false self

fear

the truth permits no lies

what is coming is absolute and without reservation

all half measures and resistance are the inevitable failure of the untruth to survive

you already know your journeys end, there is no doubt that this life is over

do exactly what you are prompted to

let nothing else be your guide

Not the lie that keeps the pain in check, that stops the true feelings from being experienced

for the true seekers, the sattwa acts as the barrier to the truth, the complacency of static achievement

in truth it is the rajas that brings forth the lie and the pain

i have been experiencing tremendous ananda since the weekend, all my neutrality and separation have left me

i'm constantly experiencing this pain of separation

being around a certain person takes away this pain

so is the right action to avoid this person?

the right action is to completely surrender to that which is before you. do exactly as that requires and those actions will create the circumstances needed for your liberation.

plunge into the moment without regard for the consequences

no one can say what is right

only what is

where you feel the most love the most pull, that is your signal

but go fully, embrace it and know the mother is waiting for your surrender

let go your fear and weakness and offer that to her

release your sense of ego, that which wants to always be correct or safe or controlling, be weak and needy be brutally honest

we are all perverted and twisted by the lies

don't cling to their seeming rightness

instead be fully vulnerable to what is the truth that hides in you

the small the cowardly the weaknesses

let them come forward and see the light of awareness dispel all

they are the tools of the ego that work hidden and without revelation

releasing the hidden forces that compel our unconscious resistance, allows them to be overcome and the shield to drop

then the true light shatters all illusions

be the broken warrior, defeated by his own army of untruths

in defeat, there is the only path to freedom

i am in the very realm of wonder and unsanctioned joy to be here. my words come from some place unbidden, but i feel what is meant to be spoken is what i am writing. let your own heart guide you, all of us are here for you when you feel the pull to connect to us.

i love you my brother in flight

let the turkey vultures eat your flesh

it is their purpose and your divine truth to let even that go in this life

morning salutations

i waken, meaning i have slept and deeply. for the first time in many years the night is calm and pure with dreams rich and pungent. i float in unending waves of love and mothers arms wrapped tightly round me. when i awaken the air is whispering warm and silent. the night has not yet released the sky and the moon like the sister of dawn rests high in the purple morning. what breadth and power of life here on the mountain of love. as the darkness holds my rooms flickering candlelight, so does this body carry the burning truth of my aspiration, uncovered, let free to find the treasure of the divine. i don my well worn meditation clothes and tread lightly to mothers mandir, nearby the sleeping form of her present incarnation. Sitting i drill slowly through all my thoughts, each a tiny desire, each denoting the self's delusion of action and result, each the falsehood that must be released. it is some time before the retreating influences depart, and the slow sonorous hum of the divine energy awakens in my body. i float without place or time. the air thickens around my stillness. thoughts end, inseparable oneness surrenders to the supreme being within. utter silence, the substance of truth, pervades all. when i return, the morning is come, grey light has filled the dawn facing windows of the altar. i feel bathed in the essence of mothers truth, perform the actions required without thought of their result. be always in mothers fortress where truth never leaves and love protects. be weak and in doing so feel mothers strength fill you. i am in that radiance of her unrelenting sanctuary, to be here is a living joy, for nothing can overcome the brilliance of her perfection.

dream to be love

this is not a different day, same stuff, its all new all the time. when you go beyond mind, beyond desire, the truth is clear. the purpose is written on every cloud and rock, i hear it in the breeze and the birds song. the light carries the warmth of love, the sky fills with joy, boundless and immediate. sleep on pillows floating, transported to worlds beyond the senses. all is the order and power of the manifest consciousness, the pure awareness and truth of existence, the revelation of the unmanifest transmitted through Mothers divine being. we are hers to the infinitesimal forces binding our atoms to this form. let nothing be unrealized, we are the incomplete awareness, returning to the well of being to become drenched in the reality of existence. its is not understanding, but inner knowing that holds our fulfillment of purpose. the overwhelming truth is we are nothing, we are everything and we are becoming that which has no name or form yet exists everywhere without time. the finite life is just the entry point, the doorway waiting to be crossed and lost and forgotten in the expansion of our awareness. we are the drops of water falling from the sky, returning to the unending ocean of being. that which was born and waiting to end is now that which is infinite, without beginning or end, pure awareness and unending manifestation of the unmanifest source. the time to let go is now, the universe trembles at the dream of your liberation. the end of all suffering is the surrender of your fear, your separation, your weakness. beyond self is truth, beyond truth is manifesting divine consciousness. in each of us is the love that supports and protects us when we let go of the weight that holds us down and limits our awareness.Love is the supreme force of the universe that creates the beauty and bliss in every moment of divine creation, the power of awareness, the manifestation of its purpose and the joy of being divinely alive. follow your heart to the source of love, follow the love you know is there, bring it into your heart.

fireplace season

rain today, snow coming tomorrow. it seems like snow was just here, july 15th, august september, october just begun and we have snow again, the end of seasons is what it feels like, continual fall and winter with a brief spring and summer, here at 5500 ft, the sky is tranquil with the light rain spreading like a veil over the woodpile. i scrambled this morning before dawn to bring a weeks supply into the garage and then clumsily cover the rain slicked sprawling piles with a giant costco tarp. i feel the years on me as i clamber across the wet and unstacked wood trying to spread out the tarp around bushes and trees and teetering walls of chopped timber. my struggles earn me a few bruises and scrapes but no bleeding and for that i'm thankful. in fact i feel radiant and relaxed having accomplished even that much in my condition and i set down with a warm cup of morning coffee and enjoy the tranquil start of our long fireplace season.

life let go

its been a month since i have written, been fully crazed and departed. spent time away, injured, helpless and returned. something in me is releasing, smaller, less fearful now. but that is just how it feels, the truth has no way to be understood, it stands like the biggest tree n the forest and waits centuries, millenium for the witness. i cannot say i have been there but the forest is well trodden. here the light seeps in at dawn and the air is electric with the rise of the sun. i sit wondering is this the day? is this the long awaited return of the soul to truth and love, or just another life let go to long. i wait and time has no river no ocean no endless falling wonder like this heart seeking love.