catching up

where does it start, the end is clear enough but where does all this come from. I awake at 3:30 am and the room is bright with the candle that has been burning for days and nights. i am not supple or young but i rise with some dignity in my underwear and strike a sleep sotted stance for my morning stretches. without stopping to think my neck rolls and i hearthe crunching of the bones and the fine ligaments stretching across them. the weight of my body has diminished by 17% and my waist by 12%. the daily reduction of calories and the 4 mile walk has continued without pause and the practice has been elevated returning to its fever pitch of months ago.
let me review briefly what has happenned.
april 6 - the retreat at Galilee begins
april 12- the retreat ends and i begin
may - unending expansion and realizations
june 2 - the contraction begins
june 5 - weekend retreat in Boulder the expansion returns - Samadhi
june 7 - kundalini explosion
july 12 - forces of contraction dominate
june 15 - week in olympia with my two best friends S and S
june 20 - weekend in Seattle - kathlen and Mary from Galilee are there
june 21 - trip to india is required come december january
june 23 - return to SD - a week of waking samadhi indefinable happiness
july 4 - consider my life connect with my family
july 8 - register for the ho oponopono course
july 16 - weekend retreat in SF
july 19 - full samadhi - unbelivable energy
july 20 - kundalini uprising
july 21 - overcome the forces of contraction
july 22 - india booked - dec 28 feb 3
july 23 - catching up

the little time i imagine is extended without rnd, all days become one, all lives are living now, all my dreams are awoken and revealing themselves. The first thing to awaken in me is my love for the divine, her and his combined in that which never was but always is and never will be. the truth lives in me like a fire that does not burn but lights the way to in all darkness. its not a truth of words for there is none it is a truth of being, the settlement of divine in this form. i see skin and muscle and veins and even bone lightly covered, but i experience unending awareness that has no touchpoint in this body. i live in the form but not of the form, i am deep in my austerity now, now thjat i know what i am truly about, the renunciation the giving up of all the things i have claimed as mine.i give them freely to the world from which they were created and in which they will be destroyed. I take only the awareness and the letting go as i move beyond the shadow of my existence.for where i have been is in the lightless regions and the covered places where light is seen as a product of man and not the one realization of the divines entry into the human senses. light as the tool for seeing where to put my feet and hands so i ndont lose anything, dont relinquish what is my due as human and man. but as the spirit of my incarnation light is my breath and food, my water and wine. the light fills that which was emptied again and again, for every bit of the divine in the human form is relinquished as we take our pleasures unceasing and drink the blood we share and take without question. all hope is cast into fortunes pot and stirred with the paddle of fear, all men are the tools of karma and the fools of paasion where lust is the desire we fear to resist. let madness be the wanting of all that we cannot have and the rejection of all that is ours.
i wake up from this moment and am in the same instant returned to the moment i have always been in, the love the fruited being the souls dominion of now and forever, awaiting nothing and extremely pleased with all that is brought and taken.nothing is here and emptiness fills the endless caverns of awareness. in my smallest understandings i am centuries of realizations lost and unending experiences done left only in a point beyond calculating where this faith holds me, individualized constraining the openings expanding the being until there is only space and wishing time would begin where all things start and the waterfall pushes the river to the cliff of forgeting and the ride starts all over again.
i ponder my state, the point of me being to experience that which i am and who i am, since that is what i do. and i know i am the divine in human form experiencing the divine in all forms and within me is that connection to that which is infinitely expanding andnever ending and i see myself across universes unknown and then as the very destroyer of all that i can possibly comprehend, and from all of that i can only have faith for what am i but this tip of the experiencer dangling in some awkward setting filled with the dread of failing at what i cannot understand or even conceive of, and where is this fear come from but from not being that which i am and not knowing why ia ma here until i connect to the force that is within and without and fills me withy mothers milk that comes from some divine buddha cow that suckles me until i cannot help but explode in complete desire for that which i am become. as the little man i am done and as the divine i am begun, yet where would that beginning be, i become that which is truth and has nothing to define its course or its satisfaction. i left the way of my feet and found the footsteps of my heart, and now fly on wings of faith where the leather of my knowing held me back.