This wondrous day

no face no name i seek that which is forever within me,the candle burns endlessly. where is my soul my being the truth that has no words, only perfection that is already everywhere. what eyes are these that see nothing and this knowing that is all. i touch my self and you appear, i reach for you and hold my own hand, life surrounds and confounds, wherever i go i never move from this awareness, whatever is before me is eternally present, I have manifested all I experience and let all of it go, keeping only that which serves me now, her words hold me and her arms teach me love, i have only her to serve through her form, her manifest being, this rose of all gardens, mother of Eden and Pondicherry, i am her child, lover, brother and father, all are hers and i am knowing only now what she has given to fill this emptiness i could not hold. in every minute there is her love divine and my blindness seeking what was never lost. and when that becomes my truth, i melt away becoming only love, realizing i am that channel of divine and such gratitude that would crush me in its infinite patience.

Sunday Samadhi

today journal begins confessing i can remember nothing from yesterday, the slate is cleared, wiped from all knowing. there was some heat and sprinkles from the humid clouds, pain in the knee from the climb up Mt Pinos, we had lunch early and life went on through dinner at 9:30, then reading and meditation until late, i could hear mother walking around as i lay unsleeping. this morning everything was beautiful, early heat, bird feeders filled, bird baths refreshed, a light toast and coffee then i settled down to meditate. immediately i felt the force and a strange emptiness filled me with nothing. i stared into the whirlpool of energy within and fell deeply through inner galaxies and vortexes and unbelievable states of energetic consciousness. the body froze and withered away, i felt the energetic being take control and huge waves of divine force swept through me and through the worlds around me. all was beyond knowing or feeling, i was gone only the being was present. hours passed unnoticed until finally i felt the claw stiffness of my form return and i fell to my side, unable to reason with the flesh as i reanimated into human consciousness. i lay for many minutes unbending the legs and arms, staring at the wall and ceiling. i stumbled forth to the porch where dark clouds and bright sun interacted to create oven like heat. I sat and drank in the delicious blast furnace and felt some life return. I stood immobile by the stove watching mother cook, unable to comprehend such movement, all life had dwindled to awareness without comprehension. i clomped lead footed through the house barely able to hold a glass of cold tea, returning to the porch and the heat of the day. all glory the kingdom of nirvana and the souls endless journey.

Journal begun

i think its time to journal my time here. its been a month since i started this journey to remain here while i heal. the days have been singularly hot to very warm, continuous sunshine and high altitudes. the sky is light at 5:30 and sets after 7:30, usually with unbelievable pink and orange light. yesterday was amazing, driving back from Lancaster towards the mountains wreathed in dark clouds, the sun slipped unseen beneath them and lit the sky with a pink light that overlaid the many colors of the dusk setting. what majesty in every days creation. we are lost in the love of the mother here and even this is her pronouncement of unending abundance to the very last ray of sunlight and the glimmering of the stars and galaxies deep in the wash of the milky way. yesterday on my daily walk up the chumash road, a couple of miles of gentle ascent, i found on my return two quartz white stones dense and powerful laying at the side of the road. they looked to be perfectly mated and waiting for me. i picked them up one in each hand and felt their stony vibration. these two have held the soul of the mountain for centuries and now have been set out for my needs. in these stones i could feel the coming of the thunder lizards and saber toothed tigers, mastodons and ice sheets that lasted for centuries. here the very heavens connected to the earth and man arose a child of the universe alone and supremely connected beyond the knowing of all other creatures. here the soul of creation danced and wept, made love and gave birth, fought and died without proof except that we are that child of the mother come to make our peace with love and sorrow. once we knew that there are souls in the earth and trees and sky, now we sit alone but for our faith, blind and deaf to the world and spirits surrounding us. where these crystals once sat fused by the heat and pressure of the birth of this planet, then smashed into a million fragments each containing the soul of this mother earth, the warrior and the shaman nature of existence, and spread throughout the crust the flesh of this earth. and now they rest heavily in my hands a long mile from my car parked down the side of the dusty road miles from the village in the mountains where we live. i carry these powerful souls to the car, my arms aching with the effort but i feel the unalterable truth that they want to be with us in the house on the ridge where the energy sings all love eternally throughout the universe. here at the center of the world, i feel the very center of the universe, all things are drawn, like a whirlpool so vast we cannot understand its motion but only live in its unending power. as such even the stones are slowly ceaselessly tumbling and rolling pulled and moved by unseen forces to connect to the inexhaustible energy of the mother now flowing through this shrine to her love, this home of her keeping, this temple of her brilliant truth. we sit and listen for hours to the teachings revealed by the master SwamiJi and his followers and devotees from India and the west, recorded just days ago in his ashram in nevada. the love of the mother and the wisdom of the universal soul emancipated in the form of Sri Aurobindo and revealed through the teachings of Sri Atmananda all glory and power to the work of the Mother on earth and from her MahaSamadhi in Pondicherry India and now this living sanctuary in the mountains of southern california. this is the center of her love manifest for her and all who are drawn to be here, and how wonderful it is to be drenched in this force continually each day. the day is meditations and small chores to keep everything clean and perfectly organized with beauty grace and harmony everywhere in all the elements that live here. nothing is here by accident or through casual thoughtlessness. each candle, flower, cup dish, spice, cushion, rug, place setting has a part in the creation of the perfection, none is ignored or allowed to deteriorate. in this manner all is offered to her and for her and comes from her so we all become that heart of her heart and held in her arms. here we can surrender all thought of our own and live only for her divine mission. rain comes in the dense humidity that is so rare at these elevations and wind throws table umbrellas and outdoor rugs and statuary around and we collect and situated as needed to preserve them, the sky is dark and the rain a blessing of unexpected summer storm clouds and we smell the earthy aromas released and the air is thick with the promises of the coming seasons dormant in the soil. the twin stones of white and bronze quartz sit wet upon the posts before our tiny rose garden where three new buds have bloomed in perfection around the deep green mint leaves growing in between. love is in every plant and all are filled with the attractive force of love, imbuing everything with an inner glow and sparkling shine. even the dried flowers left from offerings have a perfect burnished rose petal aura full of service given and the fulfillment of that purpose. we close the house to the wind and falling rain and set out to do the weekly shopping and hours drive away. its not until an hour past sunset that we return, the car filled and a passenger, our child of the mother, joining us to share her day and the triumphs and pitfalls of her new employment and the people she meets. what is it mother wants us to do and how can i create love where none is given? her heart beats with Mothers purpose and she thinks only of her connection through the divine to this life we are given and choose to return perfectly to her complete and alive for her work.

service

the words of the master, liberation, collaboration, manifestation, the silence and service of enlightened beings unaware of their attainment, devoted to the collaboration with the mother, devoted to the manifestation of her will. these ring the truest of all. the perfect instrument of the divine, beyond purpose, deep contemplation surrendering to mother and love. resisting all else the self becomes empty but for her will and action. to be hers, in every moment, the truth of the pain and the false self, offered to her divine self and beseeching her strength to continue. this only is my way just as i choose to breathe the air. what is given i accept, the rest is maya and serves only that.

transforming

divine is the single note playing in my soul, the one sound i am. all silence dances to that music without end. i collapse with unbearable ecstasy and delight, the love of life is the end of seeking,the beginning of being, the truth is present everywhere, in everything, expressing love, the divine surrender of the being to the forms attraction. in wedded bliss we are one and all together without end, touching with hungry fingers, the fulfillment of every wish,the first and last thought, perfection is loves intention, in every form and beyond all knowing. what is rough smoothed, difficulties eased, longings satisfied. the energy of all awareness transcends me and i am given the life untouched, the love unknown, the truth realized, the being brought forth , what was ever wanting in this emptiness is done. the million private reserves surrendered unquestioned, sincerely, absolutely, with love. transforming is forever, love is beyond time.

Source of Love

at the center of existence burns a fire that only love can hold
from this fire all lamps are lit
every being is burning its light
and every flame burns unquenchable love

here that flame lives
and that Love burns

the Divine Shakti Center exists to bring every flame
to its source of love
where it can burn unending

here there is a powerful source
lit by the flame that you burn so perfectly
and here you are only known as the Divine
where all fire finds its final truth,
that which holds all that has been transformed
to unending light
and gone beyond burning.

thou art that and we aspire to that completion
our union is all and all is what we are.
in you we go beyond all union
where nothing can be known.

that which we know is lost and finally
true knowledge is given
in your inexpressible being.

All is Divine Love burning
transforming into that
which we are in you!

every one of us is a sunbeam of your brilliance
each yearning to be a star
destroying time and space
crushing the very existence we are
into pure truth.

as we remove our shoes before we enter your house
so do we remove our tiny selves in your presence
you allow us nothing but that which we truly are
in your unbearable oneness.

all Love Truth and Wisdom is thine
and in you we are made one.

whisper prayers

waking darkness,the light hours away. all love is here and undeniably present. she is sleeping but the being is aware and filled with love. i understand the ananda, the interaction of the unmanifest with the creation, the pure joy of being beyond the void, lashed to the trunk of the tree of life. i spend my time in meditation, sometimes just to be silent, let everything go, nothing intervenes but there are long conversations with the ego, the call to let go only makes the holding stronger. i wait still not thinking, releasing the desire to act, to see, to hear, and nothing moves. conversation goes on, the music plays, mother descends into my crown, i shake and whisper prayers of release, let this sinner go, let this end, let this self disappear.

karmic banking

in a rough analogy, we all live our lives through the Bank Of Karma, the BofK. and like every bank for every transaction there is a fee. it is the cost of having an account and controlling what happens. we go to the bank and make a withdrawal, we want a relationship, bing cha ching another lifetime is the fee. we want children, more lifetimes added. we take some job, ching! soon we are drowning in lifetimes of fees at the BofK. Theres no end to the amount we can owe, no end to the lifetimes we can live, infinity cannot be reached. after a few million lives we start to understand the pointlessness of trying, but the fees just keep on coming. sure some fees can be removed by selfless acts of depositing love and service over thousands of lives, but there is one way to settle the debt now. You see, the divine owns the BofK. trillions of transactions are processed for the divine everyday with no fees. all one has to do is surrender the control of their account over to the divine and accept whatever is given in this life and the fees will begin to disappear as they are distributed throughout the trillions of transactions the divine controls. suddenly there are no more fees, the lives diminish from the account and you no longer have to access your account, but rather live on the transactions that the divine provides. its all done simply and without any fuss. just surrender your account to the divine and you will never need to go to the bank again.

ending ends

have we told the truth even to ourselves, our sense of self, this formation that graved in thin air is reflected back at us as light patterns on eyes that cannot see themselves. is that me? i dont recognize that face or the reality of that instant. this consciousness is plain, it exists as a force like gravity, exposing all to its touch. the knowing wind twists around every nook and cranny and whispers to us from its play, the rocks remain fixed to the immovable earth, by gravity's presence. where am i, is there any idea, except here. when am i, but now. there is nothing but what i impose on consciousness. this must be real since i experience it? is it my experience or am i just noticing consciousness flowing through me? am i holding the world together, or am i just noticing gravity? who is the knower, the experiencer? am i me? do i have a reality separate from my preferences? this sense of awareness, like smell, as the odors are released they demand a target, a point of agreement that there is a shared experience, one the odor releaser, one the odor sampler. what is the purpose of smelling, but to satisfy the release of saturated ions. is it me that creates either of these? i am but the passing stranger to the unending play, the release and capture of existence. i create none of it but am only sampling, touching as the wind pushes me further through this dream. nothing is mine only the play of the weaving of the dreams together. i sense but only because the dream sensates, what is sense, only awareness, the force released through all existence, passed through everything, the very completion of the creation, the manifestation, to be known. by what, me? this ephemeral creature, dipped from the well of being, encapsulated in this form, and then shook out like a drop of water from a cloud back to the sea of its origin? that is the purpose? i release that fantasy to the wind also. all is the divine, that which from, all flows as its dream and as its sensated self would know and through this encapsulated self would also realize the fullness of its creation, both as one unending truth and as a trillion falsenesses becoming truth and returning like a sunbeam to the star. i am that is that become I, and all one, is everyone, the truth unseen and realized both. there is no end to the truth and no beginning to the false, what is, exists like the i in me, unfolds from one pinprick in the fabric of lies to the unending graciousness of the light of truth that projects each thought and feeling upon my consciousness. i begin again as that which has never begun and from which all ending ends.