where i go

the world turns on a rusty axis, wobbling and screeching through the silent orbit of the sun. the seasons come and go in unrefined majesty and leave their mark on the world. somewhere in that glory is the winter and the decline. the pulling back and holding under the soil, waiting for another possibility of spring. i am heads down and struggling, not alone but lonely, cut myself off from what i know is mine and what i need to continue, but also know there is more work to be done before its possible to progress. when everything depends on the smile and approval of others there is no true soul, just the joker and the joker cannot rule in his own kingdom. I am beautiful, happy and bad according to the wordsearch game, its true, and its time to weed out the undercover self destruction and sabotage that is undermining what i work so truthfully for. i am compelled to tell the truth now and the lies are my own eyes and soul ever cheating on the cross of my own crucifixion, even as the nails are driven i cannot admit the truth of my own crimes the sins of my own heart to take what is not mine and hold it as my own and the murder of the innocent that would only give me love. its not the world thats wrong but my own fear of being left behind that makes me act this way. if theres a lie its my hearts affection for the love of one who should never have to even question me and never does. there is my family and all her hearts and i the broken orphan she took in. what Dickensian pleasure i have taken watching my missteps and broken promises proliferate like cockroaches in my life.
it ends now or i will die. there is no other way let love be free of sin and deceit. let my soul be finally completely free of falseness and mistrust. I would walk alone with mothers hand in mine if she would have me from now on.