considerations

the considerations continue, this life this job this relationship. what difference does it make one is just like the other, i guess my choices have been rather uneducated until 12 years ago and by then things had been set in stone. once you reach 50 your life is your life or so you think. i made changes in what i could do outside of my work and relationships and found a world that is the one i want. but moving into it completely has been so difficult, you would think that the world would move into alignment naturally but there is no simple solution but to cut the gordian knot and be done with it. i had love, spirit, meaning, purpose, aspiration, practice all lined up and rather than just leave everything behind i thought i could have it all and ended up with half measures and disappointment. better to get swept away than to be left rooted in the wet sands watching the tide roll away. i have my moments of crystal clarity and supreme devotion but then its crash and burn on the remains of my lifes work, the jagged rocks of empty relationships and disappointing careers. but what i know is in this case half a loaf is no loaf at all. there has to be a sundering of the ties to the world unwanted. somehow the unworkable pieces have to be shaken off before you can truly move into the space of light and love that only i can see. those that i have brought this far need to find their own path and forgive me for not having done this when they were younger and stronger. but now is the time and i must no longer stay or i too will lose all sense of who i am and what my true purpose is.
a weekend with the pater familius and family was a descent into the attachments and dependencies of the human nature. all things evolve from the desire functions, plenty of human love and interest but a real low level of purpose or clarity and every thing clings to what is what they see in this physical world and nothing can shift. all hooks and cords and grasping onto each other as the waters of the world rise and fall unceasing.shadow worlds too, quasi energetic layers of misdirected and maniacal visions upsetting all and leaving a wake of turmoil and unreason. there is no peace there and never will be. the wolf is loose among the chickens and the eggs are stolen as the hens cackle and preen. all is death and decay where the light cannot shine. as i left the memories filled me and the turmoil roiled in me and i could not feel the peace i came with. i resolved to remain apart, to find just my path, only my truth, the truth of i.
to be with love and truth and meaning is all and in this desire world there is none, only the self exists and all else is the fruit of the desire being. where one thing is unevolved all things wait. the want for sense satisfaction is the creation of everything. where is love but in the hand of the creator, the very crux of being and we the left overs of the universe are left seeking that which we cannot find but only be the expression of.