waking pains

placing what is important above what is not. how is this possible when we have no idea what we are doing. without devotion and surrender we just plow through the day doing what is in our desire state eating the food we want not what we need.the path is a twisted wreckage of intentions mistaken for meaning, intending to be something i am not and then finding what that means when everything falls apart. i run to the corner and end up losing my mind trying to figure out why. the least of my issues is the only one that matters, where is my devotion, my surrender, where is the form of my undoing. i live in the spaces between my attention and find myself unprepared to even begin when i think i am almost there.the end is not the end and i a have no idea where i started. love is lust or not even nice and i think it became some perverted sense of self importance and then just a mirror of my misplaced self desire. where there is truth i put interpretation. where i find purpose i put desire and ego. even the niceties i reject now, better to just be unfriendly then to put a false meaning forward. what i really feel is anger towards god and the reason i was born. where is my summer and holiday where is my trip to paradise. the sleep brings me closer to the truth and this waking sense the nightmare of belief.