self perpetuation

sickness betokens gladness for its overwhelming bar elicits our unknown truth to expand beyond whatever limits the form can create, becoming indifferent to that impediment, going beyond the extant physical reality to be that which is not limited. the pain is lost in the joy, the truth present in the act of being free. in body and mind we are the lower realms inhabitant, in spirit, we pierce the veil and see the light beyond imagining, luminenece without peer in the sun or the moon, such sacred splendor, we are taken by its luster and imaginings that have no meanings only wonder. starry nights and starry eyes combine and beyond universes coalesce to touch the shining divine we are beyond knowing. inside our confines, we fear the open night, wonder in a paralysis of fear, the creator of such might and beauty that we are such a tiny part of. is there any who has not wondered why or how, yet that is just a drop of water to the ocean of truth unknown. be not dismayed at no beginning and endless life, for what is death but the clock reset and the game begun once more. the play is the thing and the score is forever nothing yet what diamonds we behold in the emptiness of time. inside the clock is ticking, beating like a driven heart to push you into fear, that time is the destroyer and man the sickened prey, stumbling through lifes infirmities, a burning pyre floating or pine box lowered into clay. this morning, this very day, is reason enough to stop the turning hands and bench the teams desires, let winning end and losing become the master for what is lost is the self's perpetuation and the opening to the truth of nothing and all that allows.

indifference

i jerk suddenly in my meditation, the sideways movement of my arm stirring me. I have no idea where or when i am and no sense of who is thinking these thoughts. just the blackness then awareness, light motion. what is it, i dont know. it could be morning or evening. Am i late for work, is it time for dinner. there is only confusion, how can i not know, and who is it that cant get the simplest things right.i am slowly becoming oriented, the room in semi light/darkness candle forever burning, gives no hint of the outside world. i fall forward and twist the small clock to face me, 8pm its night, i dont have to go anywhere, thankfully, i drop to the floor, sensing the panic that had risen in me. not knowing, wondering if i would ever know, the who am i was the darkest, there was no one to know, no one to figure out or be in charge of the organization of facts and sensations to detail the whereabouts of this entity in the flesh. the merest stoppage of the internal workings of orientation to this plane of existence was on one level terrifying, on another, liberating, on another, indifferent. the one having the experiences was the sleeping conscious, invisibly, the being has no sense of differentiation. all just exists regardless, nothing is questioned or accepted, indifference is the nature of truth.

dancing light

i sit in meditation in the dark, the sun set in this very long days evening begun,just arisen from a sleep induced coma of the body from hours of walking in the hot sun at high altitude. living in my van, using the center for its electricity and divine energies. i sit before mothers altar, in the very heart of the center, its beating shakti being, i have been gone for a long while, weeks, and this is loves home, loves deal, i am the truth seeker questioning my motives here, but respectful, prostrating before her, surrendering my self inquiry to her divine love, i sit against the thick wooden wall and bow my head in empty mindfulness. her force is immediate and without reservation, she has been waiting for me and with a loving vengeance comes forth.not since Pondicherry at her ashram, at the mahasamadhi have i felt this power so fully. i am rocked to my core in this energy, the waves of unending transformative love crush my ego and collapse any thought into the elements that once coalesced around me and gave them cohesion. all is the unwrapping and unburdening, like a dinner of many elements on the chopping block, my self is undone, then thrown to the highest regions and fed into the cosmic furnace. i feel giant boxes and containers all white being flushed from my deepest regions like airtight containers popping to the surface of the water then flying high into the sky gone from me, then its as if i am turning inside out from my first chakra upward a constant flow of erupting energies bursting any structures remaining, the buildings i had inhabited were gone in this tsunami of complete churning turning roiling unending. I felt skewered on the energy and twisted round and round from the inside out completely exposing every inner part and stretching the strips of my skin for further and further through the psychic space. I feel sick and giant gas and belching fly from my physical. i am drenched in cold fever.i see the truth of me the protoplasm wrapped around a breathing tube, clinging to lifes meanest existence with tenacious desire, ugly and twisted around the tube sucking air. and in this bent and deformed creature comes the light the fulfilling divinity the force of being so powerful and overwhelming i am unable to breathe but through the divine, all force all impetus all being living in light and majesty all truth pushing into wondrous existence in this loving supreme power. deep in me i feel the upwelling of the waters of being the underground reservoir of being flowing up through me like a river of delight an ocean spreading from my center filling ever thing surrounding and permeating all existence. and this is life, the manifesting being the unending truth the enlightened self, seeing this play of the dance of pure light in matter. all is gone all is done this life no more is empty only the divine sings this heart this soul this one life true and sincere all love in all things , all life filled with the divine light dancing.

let darkness be

dawn, crippled child of the night, come to end all mystery and magic, shed light upon all fears, let this time hold back this once, as my dreams are unfinished and i am needed there, with my dream friends and their dream lives. here the dream is concrete and stone, people needless and driven. where is my warmth and folded arms, foreheads leaning together with such a knowing smile. this life is undeniable but i deny all. truth sits without moving, love is the river round, wherever the current flows, it stands as the imperishable boulder that withstands all time, submerged in love, basking in the light unending. what skies revolve, planets succumb, even the sun declines, i am that timeless edifice of unshakable being, unbreakable awareness, formless and in all forms, that separates nothing, whole yet apart, i am that always castaway, in the midst of madness, collapsing from the unending duality that experiences, that realizes, that tries everything, to attain that which is already there. let go the mask of reason, untie the belief of self, be that song my dream is singing, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is only dreaming...

passage

what is this truth, this bed of nails that no longer stings but lays there inviting me. i speak it and am thrust past caring. I live it and strength to wield the force is given. the path has no meaning anymore there are only the steps taken and what is remains. emptiness makes the meaning clear, others cannot see the way or the light around me. one being removes all doubt all choice all matter. I connect to become that which i am, not to be anything else. realization is being that. not in the human form but with divine purpose. not to alleviate suffering or create change, but to end all human misery. where i go is painless and supreme, the length of my stride the passage of the spirit, not time or place. let what i am be reason enough for this work. the end of struggles or trying, wanting or fears, where the self is simple and desire does not regulate, with intention pure, capture this draught of fulfillment in my heart and be.

unending certainty

what light shines in thee that lights each lamp in turn
though cloaked in dark i shine so bright reflecting thy brilliant grace
such music flows throughout each note thy perfect loves refrain
sweet temperament that shelters all from self inflicted pain
you fill me beyond measure and then empty that which cannot be
till only love can survive in unending certainty
the deeper i get, the less there is i can do myself
to your soul i will cleave this helpless child and stay
held safe knowing your love is her true passage
where you are, i am with you though every voice cries danger
i know this comes hard on trouble and confusion,
i remain a bending reed in the storm clinging to your love

what soft roses petal my eyes
in such dreams i am lost without searching
can truth be beauty revealed as thee
only mine eyes can tell me
be still before the rising light
take the love that is given this day
each moment i hear the whisper of my own secret joy
wrapping me round and round with sweet love
where can such mighty mountains pass through tiny hearts so open
here in thy perfect being we are made wondrous light
untouchable unstoppable complete

i am thine always
without measure in the moment without the thought of how
in every instant now i surrender
no tears complete this love no hearts unstrung
but pure joyous singing from above
ascending i am pulled by my heart without resistance
my heart beats like thunder my breath a heated fever
i am taken and given with unending love

since early i am smitten with such feeling that i can hardly contain my words
for what is love but the truth in every letter
the filling of every space and edges of each line
all is her love unending and perfect and i just a painter of her slightest gifts
you have returned me to her and through you i am taken to her heart
such gratitude and humble treasures as i have i give to thee always and for love
but even that seems selfish and vain for the light is beyond measure or worth
there is nothing in me worthy but that which has been my treasure to receive

this balloon filled and upon a summer breeze
does fly careless aloft and alight the clouds on high
yes you are in my heart burning with love
truly you are come to your conclusion now
matter transformed into energy squared
thou art that my love
and like a nuclear reaction
we all are shattering in sympathetic wonderment and joy

the beast heart cannot contain within me
i am set free and loosed upon the fruits of your labors
you are the firmament of the night holding each star in place
the oxygen of every reaction
the catalyst of matter into magic
i feel the whole universe trembling with joy
as you are born

i am so thankful for your love
you are that which is never born and has no name as men would place on you
i do like a mighty river flowing into your ocean
i and thou are that together forever
in one love there are all hearts
grace has become us

your samadhi is love eternal coming to us all
your life given is returned beyond all knowing to that which is all of us reborn
the light is flowering from your orchids love
every atom bursts with love and each one follows
it can never end
and all is yours
all is come home to thee
for you have given all with perfect love and devotion truly

i am filled with love and sweet praise for thee and thine mother in eternal fusion
all is but the drama which speaks her name eternally
and we the strokes of her brush upon the canvas of creation
i am in that state that has no meaning but gives air to every whim
for it is the birds singing that frees the air to dance
and i am in a dancing frenzy my heart beating with the force of thy love
love love love you dearly madly sweetly
and forever

my hands are thy tools
this heart beats for you
for you are the mother to me
through you i will be hers
i am hers in your love
i am returned to where we always come together
that space of love and truth between us divine
that which felt in me so missing and distant
is here present and alive
it is the sweetness and the power you give me
that breaks this rotten crust and washes my eyes clean
for in me there is nothing that does not love
and no place that has any where but the heart to be
if my heart song deepens your love i am truly blessed
may this day always be

mornlight

such tremulous morning
clouds low to hold back the dawn
grey filled with birds
unmindful of the damp and chill
in symphony of chatter
soft light spreads evened through
such day would come unheeded and unbidden
but i wait from deepest night
to see this miracle come peering light
until what passes for the dark
is wholly gone from every quarter
such trifles is my life consumed
while this eve i patient waiting
till wondrous comes the moon

what pain is this

physical pain, sickness, aching joints and muscles, infections, all side effects of the anti cancer cream, all conspiring to bring down the body's defenses. i could not sleep no matter what position i turned and tossed to. it was unrelieved agony as was the drive home yesterday, almost unable to see, my truck weaving from white line to white line, feeling tremendous fatigue and eye strain. i am collapsing. unable to keep going yet work demands, life requires and i want only to lay down and let all go let everything fall apart. this is the true nature of desire leaving, the end of caring, the pain of holding on, the last remnants of the system trying to endure. my son calls me the strongest man hes ever known, i think of myself as weak. what is the truth of me being, the ascension or the decline. where on the scale of beast to buddha is this one, what man or beast or godlike creature stirs? i wander in the thrones of the fallen and eat the berries from the thorn bushes growing from the cracks of the marbled floors.

false pain

my head handed to me forcefully with love and wisdom, the truth completely revealed, the despair complete, the gratitude and humility overwhelming, but there are still tears, the feeling is taking some time to settle in. to feel the pain reminds me to stay small, humble which i havent been. i think there is something special about me and that leads to unreal emotions, feelings of disrespect or abandonment, loss of love, many untrue feelings that are the product of the deluded self. not being able to see that empties the spirit and fills the ego. a long night of listening to my brother divine embodied being tell me the truth of my situation, the most basic truth of what causes this and exactly how it spelled out in the first chapter of the gita, and me realizing everything is without merit if you cannot recognize yourself. i have rejected her who means more to me than truth and i cannot face that yet. maybe later i will be humble enough to show my face. i now am just scared it will all start again and i will lose even what this despair brings as relief from falseness. though i am still the false self, the real self has no tears no feeling of less or more, no changing states. its enough for now to recognize what i am, angry and prideful, this is my failing it has no place in what i am becoming, but it seems to not have any reason to go. its attached to that which i have claimed as mine away from the truth, because all is the divine and nothing i do has any reality. divine mother sustain my smallness and seperation from desire.

insufferable self

smothered in the dew of morning, a bit unclear as to where or when but understanding perfectly that my life is meaningless. not just a little but totally. nothing is mine, no thing or thought or action has anything ascribed to it or for it that connects to me. all that i did was an affront to the truth. not just a little deviation but a blunt repudiation of what my life was supposed to be about. the realization hits like a truck in a hurry.This family, the house the cars the job all wrong from the beginning and through the end, this was not my path or my reason for being here. I was to find the soul of me and let it free. it was clear at one time, in my teens and early twenties. the freedoms and expansion i experienced were all sources of the truth not the darkness, that came later. my own pain led me to it. i sat in the seat of power and abdicated, my scepter dropped and crown lost. so i awaken to that truthful pain, i am a failure, i have gathered nothing and am come to the end without the prize or even the beginning of its attainment.all the work i have done even towards this has been a half measure at best and it awaits the true assessment that i am now having. the utter ruin of who i am. this body and mind wasted in personal pleasure and taking thinking there was truth in that, that happiness was some sort of replacement for truth. my world is not mine to lose or to give away, rather i have squandered it and been selfish beyond my reason. better to be the biggest ego on earth and fully unconscious than to have this half light and look away. that i have done and never once given the god in me his real due, all the insights and experiences were just markers of my callousness and self indulgence. what is left is hard, the world is rejecting me, i think to cut me off, to not let me even have the dream i thought my life was, but to hand me just the rocks that were always there the ones i fall upon now trying to remember who i was. this life this unreasoned mask of my insufferable self, i try to pluck it from me but the skin is grown tight and the hooks of madness have dug deep into my brain.

dog days done

the small trail of cooking smells suddenly attacks me and the reality sets in. theres another one in that garage.its not far as the crow flies but i have to walk and the cover around the tumbledown structure is spotty at best. someone has cut down most of the trees and the bramble bushes and shrub are all to low to keep me hidden.all i have is the 4 inch blade with the tape wrapped handle thrust into a cardboard cover to keep it from ripping out my worn pocket.i choose to sit here at a distance behind this overgrown hedge and wait out the mysterious chef du jour across the way.a dog barks with a eager sound, and i can almost hear a sudden hush command. the emptiness is unbroken except by an occasional flitter of a small bird or the skitter of some falling roof pieces blowing in the morning breeze. the small structure is windowless on this side and i decide to chance approaching to a closer inspection. the smoke from the fire is well masked but the odor of some unknown meat cooking is unmistakable. it reminds me of some venison i once had, but i havent seen a deer since last september. from a block closer theres still only the faded green wooden walls and the smell thats drawing applause from my salivary glands. my taste buds get the better of me and i crawl forward until i can hear some movement inside and a low growl. i back away to the side street and listen. i hear the door scrape open from the unseen side and then im surprised to see a small girl holding her dog around the neck. even at this distance i can see she is sightless in one eye and her left leg is twisted from some deformity. her blond hair hangs over her empty eye socket and she looks momentarily ordinary. i quickly stand up and announce myself.
Hey, I'm a friend, really. I don't want to have to fight your dog. can you hold him?
i hold out my empty hands as a peace gesture and she backs away quickly screaming a command and letting the dog go. well what did i expect, friendship? the dog exploded towards me, almost as fast as i could draw my blade. i figured it would be dog for dinner if not the venison. i heard the door slam and uneven footsteps clambering away from behind the garage. then it was all fur and fangs and i was too preoccupied with slashing the mongrels throat to follow where she went.

ten times done

outside in the gray gloom of morning somewhere, the blossoming continues. nature unabated by the disaster, sails on bringing forth her miracles as if there was some purpose and reason or even someone to appreciate it. here is the work without fruit, except it is fruit just uneaten. the rotted remains fill with insects and nothing is wasted, only humans are gone , the strangely quiet world revolves through its region of space unstoppable except for some cataclysmic event which has already occurred in microcosmical reality, in the domain of the planets it has yet to happen and is less likely due to the stringent controls we cannot imagine are imposed on that layer of reality. i see a small flurry of white and green covering acres of fences and wrapping through the demolished blocks of tract houses now just the homes of rats and wild dogs. the bodies have disappeared in the overgrown scenery and probably add to the lushness of the foliage. i am amazed at the pristine resurgence of the natural order where every possible seed or spore or shoot has its place and its opportunity to grow, wild weeds and domesticated flowers, bushes from around the world , planter boxes and cracks in the streets and sidewalks all offering perfect mediums of growth.a broken window flashes as the sun comes out from behind a westering cloud, the wind barely felt down here is hauling the creatures of the sky mightily away to work and water where they are needed. i see something cut across the brightness of the reflection and drop behind a wall of shrubbery gone wild. the next street over is a jungle of poinsettias and rhododendrons with massive poplar and oaks. there is a light colored garage still standing and i can see a small indented trail leading around it. it could be a trail of escaped animals from the pens outside of town where the massacre used to continue unending, now its abattoir is left silent but stained forever with the smell of death.

post approximate

22,059th day. a thursday, in the year 2011. no rescue ship is coming, i will die on this backward planet. somewhere the controls were lost and the rebirth mechanism faulted and i was born here.previous to the era when i was from. the physical pain is becoming overwhelming, the 3 major diseases are asserting themselves in the body and the surgeries are uneducated cutting away of the flesh and tissue. i had hope for a few years that i had made contact with others in my same predicament but, finally even i had to realize they were just sporting mutants products of irradiated foods and water, genetic throwaheads reverting as they clambered too quickly up the genomic ladder. the memories i was imprinted with are faded and worn i can barely recall who i was supposed to be, the few real memories are just shining light off of glaasy spires in fields of green and lilac. i have no one to share any of this with, no soultender no mergelove all is freakish and dull, the couplings of animals and beatings. i prefer this solitary existence, where each is the meaning for themselves, not obligated or expecting, not affected by the whims and worries of the human sort.when this world wakens the earth will fall into ruin and the class of being in control will suffer greatly. no more reliance on artifical intelligence, no bellowing vehicles and massive bulk packaging and shipment of life dulling goods. all will become very personal and deadly, no more thought of paradise, just reality every day. those that can will survive at any cost, the rest slaughtered. i have my mountains and the small wheeled life support, hidden from everyone, the water comes from the snow melt and underground reservoirs high in the granite obtrusion. food is in cans and theres traps bow and arrows and a small rifle to sustain. farming will be a while as this altitude wont manage much in the way of agriculture. and i wont head down until the bodies have dessicated beyond disease and hungry scavengers. i will keep this diary until i either die or find a way to be born in my rightful era, either way i'll be done here.

terrible truth

back at work, the eternal hyper kinetic playground for pain. i arrived this morning with my back seizing, taking my breath away with its intense pressure. I realize i have been putting all my weight on my right shoulder constantly to avoid any on the still fresh stitches on my left shoulder. Its caused my middle spine to twist and pinch a nerve. I am damaged, my knee joining in to twist to the right every time i take a stair. i feel like a car broken down on the side of the freeway, pummelled by the blast of wind as every 18 wheeler rushes past. the world seems like a stone grinding machine and im an old rock, eventually becoming polished but going through the abrasions of the process hoping i dont split along a hidden fracture before i am done. I have finished reading Spiritual warfare and i feel differenter, unusually so. theres a terrible truth in his words that brings up in me the recognition that ive already been through this, im just picking up the piece or two thats left and dusting myself off, looking at the forlorn reality of truth, and feeling free to get going.maybe its my time and im just realizing it, the words are like my thoughts, the actions arising from my psychic recognition of where ive ended up. theres been the constant message for two months now, that i need to go, i dont have any reason anymore to stay. it was all about helping her and now thats not needed, what remains is a vacuum of need, of feeling of connection. i finally got it that its my psychic letting me know its done. i need to go and be in my own space and while thats not SD either it will have to do for a few weeks while i recover and then go.i feel all prakriti's stuff she throws at me to get me hooked, but nothing comes up. im empty and the triggers aren't firing, i walk like the unnamed gunslinger through the wasteland, roland and the 3 fingered gun.

still asleep

sunday and its not any better than the last.meditation is like a narcotic, theres , no truth anymore just varying degrees of lies. i lie about myself and about who i am, i lie about what i want or need or even think. i lie about what is real and what i feel. theres no end to the deception. who am i? thats a trick question, the truth is not possible so every answer is another lie. truth has no voice, no witness no truth for dummies or how to do it yourself books. we are all the opposite of what we think we are, theres no explaining the truth, but plenty of explanations for the lies. i know im tired, thats for sure, this process is like shrink wrapping, your compressing what is into the smallest space and then removing anything that might touch it and then sucking the life out of it, the last step is throwing it on the fire like one of those presto logs, made from the waste products of who we were. the sleep is stupid, i run from my dreams, i want the narcosis of death, the end of knowing, the sleep of the undead is always waiting, zombie processing, im not there, i dont know what is happening i just know it is. but what is this, i started somewhere, it was a happy place, some dream state of love and forces of connection and being, now its different, i cant say how, its just not as fuzzy and warm, its more like walking downtown at 2:30 am and theres no place for you to go, and its cold enough to make your breath fog the air in front of you. and i realize, i dont have anyplace to call my own, everything is a dream and i've stepped out, woken up, but it feels hopeless, not like waking up relieved, just realizing maybe, im still sleeping.

going nowhere

it seems everything is ended or at least suspended. the lack of interaction. the emptiness of feeling, the avoid dance in the house. maybe ive tread on sacred toes or broken the divine law but if so i have no idea. today is just another emptiness to add with the others. luckily i have plenty of space for more. i feel as if my ego, my sense of importance is being punctured as well it should be as well as my stupid fear of rejection and avoidance of pain. i am going at the wall, if not at full tilt at least with determination and the impact is cracking my smug nature and feeling of being integral to anything. whats beyond this impediment i have no idea, probably just more piles of my own crap and pretty pictures of what i think they should be seen as. the truth is somewhere but i am nowhere near wherever that is.more surgeries coming up, this time on my back and i feel helpless, i wont even be able to clean and bandage myself. i wont be here for a couple of weeks, im going to fore go the pleasure of sharing the one bathroom with 7 people and the hours and hours of foreign language class without benefit of a teacher. i dropped the van off at last with an actual mechanic who will hopefully be able to fix the problem, then i'll have my own space wherever i go even if its nowhere.

baying of the dogs

the list of offenses grows, the minds eye resolves on the tiniest misstep. what is the length of time one can suffer the most. i precisely identify each millimeter of pain and every instant of delight, any inkling of truth is lost immediately with the closing of the mind to all but the internal past and future.where is the emptiness the darkness lit with pinkish blush and tapers smoldering red and smoking. i wander as a jerusalem of the heart, split and divided, the home of god, the keeper of the broken promise.who am i, i laugh, not a question but an accusation, what have i become without wanting to become anything. this life's highway is littered with the bones of my fellow travelers, each and every already given up to the inevitable, the huge wastebasket of souls, netted and returned for more mayhem and abandonment. the truth is here in this predicament in the pain in the hopeless foraging for a crumb a drop of what it is. i cling to my battered covers and empty plastic remnants displaying them proudly, this is mine i say this is what i have done, people look away as if i am contagious, and maybe i am. theres nothing left behind i havent trampled into trash and everything i touch has the taste of molded bread and spoiled fruit. my thoughts are curdled milk and vodka shooters erupting later into alleyway walls and trash bins. what hapless creature of the night sidles through the darkened ways to escape, to avoid the light even as he proclaims his tragic dramas. i punch the clock and sleep away my life praying to my almighty self to send me a bone. i dream of crippled sheep and storm sounding horns in lighthouses tossed by waves. the holy ocean revolves inside my head and i roll to and fro with the rhythm and sicken with the tides. awake and awash with unsettled feelings its a pastime i have no stomach for, looking for my home that i burned in the dark for light and ending up here in the mist of the mind, asleep awake i cant tell anymore the sliver of my thoughts are forgotten and declined. i resemble the last clown at the closing of the carnival, the face paint streaked and the merry smile punctured with spit and tobacco, a last moment with the children and the sirens are approaching, i run with the baying of the dogs, searching for that last call of the wild from the backyard fence.