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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

false pain

my head handed to me forcefully with love and wisdom, the truth completely revealed, the despair complete, the gratitude and humility overwhelming, but there are still tears, the feeling is taking some time to settle in. to feel the pain reminds me to stay small, humble which i havent been. i think there is something special about me and that leads to unreal emotions, feelings of disrespect or abandonment, loss of love, many untrue feelings that are the product of the deluded self. not being able to see that empties the spirit and fills the ego. a long night of listening to my brother divine embodied being tell me the truth of my situation, the most basic truth of what causes this and exactly how it spelled out in the first chapter of the gita, and me realizing everything is without merit if you cannot recognize yourself. i have rejected her who means more to me than truth and i cannot face that yet. maybe later i will be humble enough to show my face. i now am just scared it will all start again and i will lose even what this despair brings as relief from falseness. though i am still the false self, the real self has no tears no feeling of less or more, no changing states. its enough for now to recognize what i am, angry and prideful, this is my failing it has no place in what i am becoming, but it seems to not have any reason to go. its attached to that which i have claimed as mine away from the truth, because all is the divine and nothing i do has any reality. divine mother sustain my smallness and seperation from desire.

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