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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

terrible truth

back at work, the eternal hyper kinetic playground for pain. i arrived this morning with my back seizing, taking my breath away with its intense pressure. I realize i have been putting all my weight on my right shoulder constantly to avoid any on the still fresh stitches on my left shoulder. Its caused my middle spine to twist and pinch a nerve. I am damaged, my knee joining in to twist to the right every time i take a stair. i feel like a car broken down on the side of the freeway, pummelled by the blast of wind as every 18 wheeler rushes past. the world seems like a stone grinding machine and im an old rock, eventually becoming polished but going through the abrasions of the process hoping i dont split along a hidden fracture before i am done. I have finished reading Spiritual warfare and i feel differenter, unusually so. theres a terrible truth in his words that brings up in me the recognition that ive already been through this, im just picking up the piece or two thats left and dusting myself off, looking at the forlorn reality of truth, and feeling free to get going.maybe its my time and im just realizing it, the words are like my thoughts, the actions arising from my psychic recognition of where ive ended up. theres been the constant message for two months now, that i need to go, i dont have any reason anymore to stay. it was all about helping her and now thats not needed, what remains is a vacuum of need, of feeling of connection. i finally got it that its my psychic letting me know its done. i need to go and be in my own space and while thats not SD either it will have to do for a few weeks while i recover and then go.i feel all prakriti's stuff she throws at me to get me hooked, but nothing comes up. im empty and the triggers aren't firing, i walk like the unnamed gunslinger through the wasteland, roland and the 3 fingered gun.

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