insufferable self

smothered in the dew of morning, a bit unclear as to where or when but understanding perfectly that my life is meaningless. not just a little but totally. nothing is mine, no thing or thought or action has anything ascribed to it or for it that connects to me. all that i did was an affront to the truth. not just a little deviation but a blunt repudiation of what my life was supposed to be about. the realization hits like a truck in a hurry.This family, the house the cars the job all wrong from the beginning and through the end, this was not my path or my reason for being here. I was to find the soul of me and let it free. it was clear at one time, in my teens and early twenties. the freedoms and expansion i experienced were all sources of the truth not the darkness, that came later. my own pain led me to it. i sat in the seat of power and abdicated, my scepter dropped and crown lost. so i awaken to that truthful pain, i am a failure, i have gathered nothing and am come to the end without the prize or even the beginning of its attainment.all the work i have done even towards this has been a half measure at best and it awaits the true assessment that i am now having. the utter ruin of who i am. this body and mind wasted in personal pleasure and taking thinking there was truth in that, that happiness was some sort of replacement for truth. my world is not mine to lose or to give away, rather i have squandered it and been selfish beyond my reason. better to be the biggest ego on earth and fully unconscious than to have this half light and look away. that i have done and never once given the god in me his real due, all the insights and experiences were just markers of my callousness and self indulgence. what is left is hard, the world is rejecting me, i think to cut me off, to not let me even have the dream i thought my life was, but to hand me just the rocks that were always there the ones i fall upon now trying to remember who i was. this life this unreasoned mask of my insufferable self, i try to pluck it from me but the skin is grown tight and the hooks of madness have dug deep into my brain.