going nowhere

it seems everything is ended or at least suspended. the lack of interaction. the emptiness of feeling, the avoid dance in the house. maybe ive tread on sacred toes or broken the divine law but if so i have no idea. today is just another emptiness to add with the others. luckily i have plenty of space for more. i feel as if my ego, my sense of importance is being punctured as well it should be as well as my stupid fear of rejection and avoidance of pain. i am going at the wall, if not at full tilt at least with determination and the impact is cracking my smug nature and feeling of being integral to anything. whats beyond this impediment i have no idea, probably just more piles of my own crap and pretty pictures of what i think they should be seen as. the truth is somewhere but i am nowhere near wherever that is.more surgeries coming up, this time on my back and i feel helpless, i wont even be able to clean and bandage myself. i wont be here for a couple of weeks, im going to fore go the pleasure of sharing the one bathroom with 7 people and the hours and hours of foreign language class without benefit of a teacher. i dropped the van off at last with an actual mechanic who will hopefully be able to fix the problem, then i'll have my own space wherever i go even if its nowhere.