pains end

pain, the universal, the essence of our existence we are told, the misery of attachments. the attachment to attachments. all is undone when we see the unending necessity of the play and the passion that is the seed of all we hold dear, the fruits of our desires. for what could be beyond that, in the next realm of no attachments, the recluse, the aesthetic, the penitent, none of these is the truth. that which is, is that which we are. the being beyond the vital, the mental, the whole experience that never ends and never devours that which is its source.we tremble with our feelings, what could ever replace that, trembling with divine acceptance, filled with the perfect inspiration that is not man made.responsibilities only for the providence of the spirit, that all things celestial are what we are here for, that everything in our lives knows that is what our purpose is and we are supported every step of the path, unending, always pefectly and always without question.

universal mind

awakened in this body i came to realize, i had actually fallen asleep. for what i knew as myself was only the fraction of me that knew nothing.the rest was yet to be found. as i grew i knew, i felt, i sensed the rest, as if from a great distance, i imagined myself to be in some far distant galaxie from the truth, existing alone and without any recourse to that which i sensed was truly my reality. The world suffered and so did i, knowing was never close enough, i needed to be that whatever the cost. i slipped into the suit of self as natural as a magpie in a murder of crows, there was a likeness but never the feathers matched.the mind trembled at the thought that there was a higher reality awaiting me. i was walking in the refuge and realized i was becoming conscious in my body, conscious of all that i am and all that i possess. in me there is the engine of being fully coordinating every cell every process, every neuron and ferreoultube of awareness to regulate this body perfectly, to create health and regeneration for all the damage done and all the fear of my mind throughout my life.
there is the truth, the self that is in charge and beyond that the self that is always connected to every subtle body and every force and energy in the universe, synchronized and merged everlasting to this body of flesh, the form through which the transformation of matter and light takes place. inside this brain the billions of connections are firing beyond measure connecting to every impulse of creation and nothing ever stops. the only difference is the function of the "conscious" mind, which is the unconsciousness that has afflicted me all my life. in every neuron there is the 1% reserved for the actions of the conscious mind, the space and time keeper, the telemetric memory box that is supposed to keep me from walking off cliffs and getting burned in a wildfire. its supposed to click on when the body feels threatened, the fight or flight syndrome, and then shut off once the danger is gone, but now i realize it never shuts off, the mind begins to create the environment where the fear never stops and it never shuts down, so we only experience its amazing stupidity, instead of our amazing universal consciousness, hidden in the other 99% of the neural explosions occurring without end.
the whole trick to enlightenment is to shut off the nagging "conscious" mind and let the connection to the true self exist. As soon as the mind shuts down, the opening begins, the connection is instantaneous, we have trouble realizing its that easy, as soon as the mind starts back up it invalidates the experience, trust the soul the heart, never the mind. the secret of all the yogis all the holy men, the witch doctors and miracle workers, connect to the silent mind, connect to the universal awareness waiting inside. nothing else is needed but to trust that part of yourself to care for you as it has continuously since you were a zygote, and it will heal and regenerate everything, just let the idiot mind go, and find the true source of your life, the one right here right now, just 1% of a neuron away from you, one thought from being here now.

belfried domes

last festers gloom of maidens votive enjoiced and deeded
with clamored praises heartened slumbers taken nown
dread supplicant renounce come dangered warries
let dinning clamor unloose wit maddened tellings
of kinds place unmentioned fare repast
treat crux of foundings restless waiting
sleeps harpings quiet near fearsome painted dwells
neath candles set twixt cupboards rulings
left sextants parlor crouched near grounding fires bore
scents plied withering airs in downy wools suborn
crossly tapping plunders onto kiltering meadows cove
granted willful foundlings thar fell camps hurried
past barrows deepened wares compose
come flaxen twinkle pixied passions
readly pricks entreat with buckled console given
mated ardors wafting heavens ford in fevered contest
justly warted flighting kinsfolks under mooning swards
desperate congeries convoke ruddy mantlings
all come timbered fen lain dune and drawn
midst sated peats ere belfried domes consort

heavenly down

wingless morning arise and tiptoe into scarlet
befuddle evens darkful patter fore the light
when christened dome pinch chillburned sky
lest easterly's riposte unnaturally found
without herons wing alight and pressed heavenly down
skit camper reckless windings fled canvas bound
where flame and rock sunder murkled storms confers
wake skyward petalled campus blooms drips elixir borne
seek everward defiles obsidian's crowned glories
with unspeakable midwifery of radiance loosed
triumphant bastions breached morn's desperate lair
held funnels piercing legions unslept quarters dare
now candles ends requires far clambering wintered's prose
come flushing fecksome slumbers past godsakens compose
end postulated happenstance lest ordain repose no more

wakened knowing

i am feeling the samadhi
its trembling within
all is frozen in liquid love
my heart is one beat of loves divine being
forever giving
forever filling
letting go
letting more love go further and further
endless reaching
here always being
always wonderfully flying into the heart of the sun
stillness beyond motion endlessly
this moment exists within us always
pure
complete
growing
silent
deeply transcendent
purple waves of supreme manifestation
indelible meaning unspoken
wheels of karma still
wonder overtaken by presence
light within white
planets connecting
galaxies awakened
universe constant unending
whisper of supreme silence descending
there sparkling infinite is formed
pressed wondrous to the unmade perfection
unmade from beyond the form
light saturates behind the glowing wakened knowing
there emptiness is finally overcome
and pale centuries unknown become
no meteors of persuasion but felt mated fantasy entreat
lidded mansions herald forgotten before the timelessness detour
under held sequestered pilgrimages taken lightly from heavens ford
rivers filled with man made gods devotion plentied and ignored
with emptied hearts and fulcrums filled from minds harvested and cold
winters done and formidable pleasures untold devoured by one soul
until the emptiness sharp and quickly broken took even that apart from his only hand
left empty once and only woman made him whole
where mothers breast swayed from cheek to toe and played loving before the mind took hold
the mansions dim become the fortress told
play fright and fear and touch and part never leaving but in grace and understanding nothing but the emptiness fulfilled
young is old and the mighty bold forgiven for there being is filled without questioning
only having is the treat the desire makes going stay near
whisper the words i never heard before the horns of meaning play
for i fear the sounds will never end this emptiness i hear
and in the sound completely missing there is a melody i play without a sound or thought or feeling everywhere i hear
a manbeast pride of solitude leaving without a care for meal or friend or living
all known is come and all meant undone where rivers of the sky full of stars unbidden fly
and i alone in every place i have ever found myself erupt
in flames of purpose given and reunited with living in mansions filled and freedom taken
let understanding wither as poppies flame and further kneeling surrender
surrender
ungiven
unknowing
repeating ever more
in love and loving thee always and eternally devoted to thee and thine pure being

india

is there an energy that comes when the indecision ends, when the motivation takes over and its just things to get done. I think so. i feel it in me already. once you move in the direction you decide to then the flow starts, it never waits once the channel is opened. Perhaps that is where this hiatus has come from, as even i knew i needed to take the next steps. the lightfooted dance of the undetermined does nothing to proceed, its when the foot falls straight and onward that there is a crash of energies that wait for nothing and start to align the life that everyone will see. the choice is the new creation, the new dimension, the twisting of parallel lines into an unmanageable new shape that has no beginning or end only some unspeakable beauty of the soul in bliss. I have a wonder of what will be as i only see the barest outline now. a new paradigm, structure of light and magic unbound by mans baser forms. and at the beginning, i see the shores of india, as everyone has predicted, and after that the air is empty of signs for this incarnation as the next is already in the cocoon. the heart leaps and sinks alternately with joy and fear happiness and horror for what is to come and which can no longer be denied. I will leave everyone behind and spend my days in the toil of my souls fruition and no longer the dollar and the sense of life. if there is no net then the ground will catch me and have the soul i can no longer use, but if there is no end to the expansion then the universe is mine and more.

letter to myself

you use the word telepathic and truly that is my experience too. Not that i know what people are thinking but that i have a closeness to them once established. with you i feel we did establish that during the years of playing music. nothing is more telepathic and empathic than sharing minds and emotions. My state right now is in some turmoil. My brother, my spiritual teacher, has told me i must leave my family and go to india. This of course has many consequences in the material world. loss of job, benefits, probably the house. and the effect on my wife and daughter is also hard, they would be left to fend for themselves and i have done little to prepare them for that. On one hand i have the usual feeling of the joy to leave all these things and relationships behind and strike out on a new road, down further now my spiritual path, on the other i have all the dread of casting away my ordained duties and forfeiting my responsibilities to home and kin. what must this world be that is all misery and pain where men would lift themselves to strike what is love in their hearts and freedom for their spirits. i found a wonderful method for relieving the suffering in others, ho' oponopono, now i must find if it relieves the suffering in me. taken as a step in my spiritual evolution and as even the likely progress without that as motivation, the truth is clear, my life is about more than any things or relationships here on this planet. soon i will be stepping forth as alone as a human can be into the world of the afterlife, the sleepless dreamstate of death, where will any of this be for me then. so if then , why not now, as i have only myself as spirit in a body to gain. I wonder why i would tell this all to you, but perhaps because i know you have similar experiences in your life and i am seeing the matching pictures. I reach out to you not from the past but from the moment and where we touch is always now.
love peace and happiness arent so bad after all,

man

tastes of sweetness unknown before
new sources of sugars divinely sent for me
where is my fruited concubine that we might envelope this sweet taste
together
there is the fall of every man
the nectar of woman
and in his fall is the ascendance of her being
the life of the mother
the holy being unturned
complete with child
grown to be another man

fearsome

i fought the crusades for my family and church
the wars never ended until i was forgotten
by the time it was over so was i
i spent a long time finding the wonders
of the land i was sent to destroy
the broken shards of beautiful pots
fired in kilns of masterful design,
now in pieces and crushed into the sand
where there were mosques and minarets
now the sky through jagged holes opens
leaving no doubt who was the mightiest
and the most fearsome
so now i search for the spices i have become addicted to
and the coffee beans of such intense delight
and where the plants grew are
graveyards of the farmers and their families
i left so far behind

believing

playing is just believing
that everything is real
no matter if i just think it
or feel it would be nice
i can imagine a giraffe outside
and a tiger in the den
there can be a million cockatoos
waiting on the lawn
is it just ok this once or twice
to be lost in a dream of pure delight
can there be a reason not to believe
when its so much fun to just feel free

bird of paradise

is there still time for love
for faith and hope
for every possiblity to unfold
in lives worn down and emptied
will the universe take a breath
and let the rest of us catch up
before the bell rings
and the players all go home
where did it say the game was over
and how did it get to this point
without me
when is it my turn at the plate
to swing away without restraint
and find the multicolored bird of paradise
singing my favorite song

never knew

tenderness untouched and simple
one finger holds the rest
one person supports the world
one heart loves everyone
before you can take a breath
the universe turns on its center
and faces the lovers intimacy
expressing everything
without a word
simple people
change the world
loving hearts
remove all doubt
unquestioned faith moves you
into the life you never knew
you lived in
but always knew existed

beloved

transfixed i realize my self is here
with me in this instant holding me
where before there was only love
now there is the beloved
the unexpected truth
of my self

filled

found singing the rain falling
when some child stops to watch the squirrels
and she is beautiful for me to be there
with every step of her heart the earth sings
water falls and running is such bliss
into shops and corners and shiplined piers
filled to fullness
and taken to streets unexplored
until she turns to me suddenly
and says i love you for everything
you could have done
and didnt

truth leaves

i find myself alive in a moment of confusion
restrained from myself by circumstances i expected
but chose to forget
i blame others and myself
but the truth leaves me
and i know my emptiness is real
and cannot even believe
whenever i search i find something
but treat it as chance
not fortune
i take a walk and hear footsteps
and am overtaken with her smell
the delight of her eyes and hair
and suffer the pain i create
what would be the purpose for my fall
from such high places i cannot recall
or even believe it exists anymore
the truth is relatve to the mind that experiences it
only the heart can truly feel
what the reality is
when everything is false

no memory

strange the days that capture me
i wander unthinking until i strike a wall
and then there is my reality
the weak force surmounting the unyeilding structure
however i do this it is remembered
and forgotten like all the times before
the memories are empty
they hold nothing of this moment
they haunt the wilds until i weaken and call them to me
what if and when and why now am i possessed
the truth has no memory
no fruit of the harvest
no ripening or flowers
only the dead and the gathering of mourners
for the passing never ends
and the wailing of the women grows wearisome

only

what would i cast out that is not mine
where would i flee from that is not here
why do i question others when i am the only one
the truth stares at me without blinking
i am alone and screaming into the emptiness
if there would be another who would i be
the other
the only other
the undefined
in hearts of midnight i am darkness
in rays of dawn i am light
i think i am alone
unnoticed except by you
yet you are never there
except when i am

seattle weekend bliss

the simple splendor of the soul, the sanctuary of the heart, i am in the bliss again, the bear-in-the-honey is fat. its a life worth living as the days drift between my love and my brother and all things are found loving. I have reconnected with two of the brightest lights of the galilee retreat kathleen and mary, my loving treat-mates. Kathleen whos eyes are as big as saucers and mary with the elfin light and child. both are giving me so much love i am in heaven. We have spent the weekend in seattle for a weekend program with siddhartha. Its at Chucks house, overlooking the waters of the puget sound. he has shooed away his 2 boys and his dogs to accommodate this rag tag bunch of idolaters and madmen for the weekend. Simi and i rode with siddhartha from olympia to chucks house through the madness of the seattle traffic, luckily finding the express road open as we go subterranean through the thx1138 tiled tunnels past all the crazies. we find an open starbucks near the house for we have arrived an hour early and siddhartha needs his fix. sims and i sit and drink water in the surging crowds even though on this 4 way intersection there are starbucks on two of the corners. we brave two cross the busy intersection at 100th ave and search the nearby QVC food store for sourdough and raisin bread. we find the sourdough but no raisin, amazing. we wander over to the drug store and get some tissues and toothpaste and finally back at the starbucks we find siddhartha ready to go. The house is a beauty tucked into a small gravelled alley, with many floors and balconies overlooking the water and the distant tree covered inlets of the sound. Chuck is eternally casual and gracious with us and is so open about his life, his heart, his experiences, we are all put at ease and each one of us in our own bedrooms. The first two days in olympia were good, the time with siddhartha and the meditations and wonderful time with my love walking and talking like our hearts always do.on friday, siddhartha and my love had a session for hours , and when they came out, siddhartha told me she needs nothing but to come into her power and her attainment fully, all is in place and there is nothing left to do. she does not have to meditate with us and she will stay with Gail 20 minutes away while i will remain here to work with siddhartha.
I was suddenly sad. i felt i had lost her somehow, or had been left behind again. the world took a blue tone and she went for a walk as i was to sit with siddhartha for a hour meditation.the sitting was mostly a jumble of feelings and thoughts, hating siddhartha and missing my love. there was no place for my heart to go and no depth of force to remove me from my reveries.
Later my love returned and we sat and talked and i cried as a little boy would who had lost his mother, and she told me to never think we would be apart or that she was anywhere but with me. my ascendancy is set and my attainment more pure and noble for all my love and selfless efforts but nothing could pull me from my mood. i was glad for the sleepless night alone on the floor and i knew i would be moving to my next guna soon.
the morning was a 2 hour meditation, just myself with siddhartha and the depth of the force took away my mood and i felt the rising of the kundalini. after the meditation, again a two hour meditation that seemed to zoom along without hurry. my love and i talked an i was more upbeat more into a sort of mad phase and felt the unfairness of the representation of my work and all i have done and i soon realized i was too deep in the soup to be even talking like this. i was experiencing the movie on the screen, rather than the screen, the experience rather than the experiencer. then there was the walk through the puget park where the large wooden steps and the hills and the lake of salt water and thousands of trees and plants and birds raised me up and away even as my love and i struggled to keep up with siddhartha for the hour and ten minute walk that became a hike. exhausted we showered and packed and prepared for our trip to seattle.
Chucks home is a dream of love and a man cave for him and his two sons and all their friends. But he has cleaned everything in preparation of the weekend. the first night i am reunited with Kathleen and mary, both as beautiful as love itself and with mary is her sone just as beautiful and with long long ringlets of auburn hair on his 9 year old head.and his is her face on a young boy full of the pink of life. many people come and all listen raptly to siddarthas long dissertation on the path of the seeker and the work of the SAT. then there is only time for a twenty minute meditation where i am so deep in the well of the being and then suddenly i am drawn up by the ringing bell. The energy is running so strong in me, i feel the 4th burning with it. When its time to sleep after much talking and goodbyes, i have no sleep, just awakened dreams of islands and children being murdered and my band of commandos seeking out the robots of death and saving the children. 4 am comes and i am up coffeed and toasted, off for a quick walk around the cloud covered neighborhood where plants grow in gigantic profusion and with great delicacy and taste. the morning meditation brings back mary and kathleen at 6am. we all go deep and are hurried through two hours of pure force. we breakfast on stone cut oatmeal and fruits. we are a happy bunch.

the madness

what stupidity is man, his effrontery to grace and seduction of the naive. i sit in one of my three states sad, mad, glad. yesterday, It is the infant crying, today it is the angry child, i am sick of this, where have i gone to be back to this.is there some magic reversal water i am drinking? i look and see only things not divine. i have no special talents, i cannot hear what others tell me are my accomplishments, i am the death of me. what i am is incomplete, i have said that many times, there is only one who completes that part of me and she is here but i am not. so where have i gone. i sit in the silence i feel the energy, i experience that physical sensation of the sat entering, but there is nothing more. after the sitting i feel the same. how is this getting me where i need to be. endure calmly, hahaha. well its a fine laugh on me that i could feel so high for so long and be so filled with the truth and the light and then come to this again. i feel i need to just depart this land go away on my own and see if i rise up or self destruct. if its not in me i want to know it. the work i do is not important, the lives i touch i have pushed away enough tha they will only remember me dully. i think the time is come to make the break. maybe the big island, maybe just the road. not an escape but a plunge into the truth of me. who am i maybe that is still the question, still the answer seems to change as i go day to day and that makes no sense, for if i am truly the center the everything realized there is nothing else to experience and that should be the truth of me. why are there even questions except that i live a life that is not of this one and it is separating me more and More even as i move deeper and deeper into my meaning. i cannot have that now for everyday of separation is like death for me.if i cannot resolve this soon then the real death will come for me. i now i sound like a bitter child but if that is what i am than i must be that as well. take this week to find out if there is something i can move, shift, insert, remove, twist or untwist. all or none. i have spent my life taking half measures to be sure that others are taken care of and i am always living someone elses life to make up for mine. i have brought the light but have stayed in the shadows except for the twice i have been in the very heart of the fire, and the first time i nearly did die, this time i am feeling the mini dieing and it scares me. no one knows how close it came the first time and how long i drew out the ordeal and the damage. this time it will be swift for i have no patience left or hope of another chance.

moment

i am filled with the tears of ananda
in every face there is love
in every word i have written
there is realization and attainment
in every beat of my heart
the universe lives
i am made of this moment
and the love that permeates everything
is made of me

im sorry, i love you

im sorry, i love you
in every soul is every soul
we are all connected to everything everywhere
once we realize this
we become that which is the god we have sought
speak to the air to the flowers to the trees just as you would speak to your lover
let nothing be a stranger
be every moment renewed
the power is in transforming ourselves
this allows everything to transform

olympia of the trees

olympia, the mountain of the gods, the funkier than thou, street people and students, shops and ships everywhere and trees beyond believing, giant weaving green. when the wind blows the world is alive with trembling leaves moved by an invisible force and my heart flutters with them. the air is full of sea and the liquid permeates everything, everything is filled with the fluidity of life, the expression of the shifting of time and space to accommodate every souls aspiration. the love is in me but is expressed everywhere we go, surrounded by all i truly need the one soul that is my mate and the brother of my soul in harmony in this moment in shared communion with our beings as our bodies walk through the relaxed world of evergreen and washingtons capitol. i am moved to feel the life here the strength of our relations in this bowl of beings this soup of existence where every heart is a song and their voices heard. I feel the chill in this june air and the recent rain on the sidewalks but we are dry and jacketed and shoed as unlike our lives in the south of california, here there is still the eves of the trees to create the damp and require the clouds to be, the very home of the trees and these the many hobbits to love among them. We partake a sandwich on the 5th ave and talk about the force and the universe and the powers of the beings carrying that on this planet. We are unadjusted, just flown in to seattle and chauffeured to olympia by my gracious brother and guru in his most funky honda, and to his center on legion amongst the most beautiful and majestic trees that line the avenue. Shopping at the Ralphs market that has nothing to do with the chain of stores and looking for candles and raisin bread. the day is moving into late afternoon swiftly and we gather in the meditation hall for an interaction with siddhartha. he swiftly explains the actions of the force and the source and the process in the body of the transformation and evolution of the consciousness to the 5th awareness which is bringing consciousness to matter from the connection to the self aware being. then it is time for evening meditation. 2 hours with the SAT. i immediately feel the force bubbling in my fourth chakra and soon it is like a mix-master at high speed churning me, after the first hour it settles into my lower forth and i begin to feel a definite shape, a purpose for its locale. It has taken the exact shape of my liver and for an hour its is bubbling and churning and exciting every cell in my liver to expand and regenerate and heal. i can feel the wonderful awareness that is directing this and sending me the healing that i need to move on. the 2 hours pass like minutes and we are done for the evening. I have a cup of soup and some decaf and settle to my bed in the meditation hall and swiftly fall to sleep.
the morning comes at 12:30 as siddhartha prepares his dinner and i wake momentarily to the sound of chopping salad fixings. i roll over after a glance at my clock and sleep until 4am when i get up have my morning pills and amino acids and raisin toast and decaf and prepare for the 5am meditation. The morning force is sweet and gracious coming swiftly to me i feel like i am in another world, far distant from this one, totally disconnected from the world of humans, its a magical place without thought or reason and there is a visible barrier between it and the other world. I suddenly sense everything returns and i am in my body in the mediation hall and i feel a little disappointed as i was loving this new world i was in and just that quick it is gone. but the energy is humming sweetly through me filling me with a honey of experience that i love also and i settle in as the 2 hours again pass smoothly. after we are done ands siddhartha retreats to his room i have my shower and then a nother cup of decaf. I decide to walk and she comes with me as perfect as an angel can be and we walk to the park with the lake and the wind is chill and the clouds blustery and she says it looks like it could rain any time, and we see all these walkers and joggers many in only t shirts some in shorts and we are bundled bravely in the cold when suddenly the drops begin and the weathermen are wrong and we run to a small folk art store and wander amongst the many offerings from nepal and india and pakistan and mexico and places too numerous to mention. then its out and down the pier where many funky and nice boats and houseboats are moored and only an old power cruiser from the 1920's is moving through the water. we wander a while then up the streets to the shops and explore the healing and scrap booking shops before heading back, fully 2 and a half hours we walk when 2 blocks from the center the rain begins again and in earnest. we arrive and siddhartha is preparing for his bike ride and i settle down my stomach feeling queasy for unknown reasons but here are many possibilities.

kundalini Samadhi

Finally returned to work, the doors of my cell wide and inviting as broken glass ground into my eyeballs. I have no thoughts except for my attainment and here there is little left. the retreat still rings in my heart and soul like the bells of the church by the lake pealed the coming of the SAT.I have to think to put together all the changes that have occurred since last thursday when i was whisked away to my date with the divine. The only hiccup the wandering in the giant tent of denver international as my beleaguered brother attempted time and time again to find me at the passenger pickup where i was never to be found, having gone 3 times to the wrong floor and wrong disbursement points. but finally i was found and we both looked at one another for the first time since the last day of the week long retreat at lake tahoe. Siddhartha looked fit and with a smile in his eyes and who knows what i looked like. my story to him had been the fall from grace the loss of connection but not from unswerving belief and faith, still surrendered to the path but not in communion with the expansion that had gone on for 7 weeks until it mysteriously ended.yet nothing is forever and this existence is the leaf of the wintering tree expecting spring. where we are is in each others hearts and who we are is the collection of a million minds expressing love. the earth revolves around the enlightened beings and i am sitting close with one for the hour and a half to Boulder. The passage is interrupted to secure a smoothie for me and a decaf Americano and pastry for him and a quick stop at the store for supplies. The trip ends in the outlying gated community beyond Boulder and overlooking a beautiful lake and the miles of high plateau beyond. The talk is desultory and unnecessary we are partaking of our psychic bonds built over generations. the home is amazing and beautiful in every aspect inside with many Buddhas and spiritual accoutrement sprinkled throughout the rooms. we settle for a few hours and Siddhartha has a series of interactions with the local group, on of the group is my fellow cell mate from the retreat at Galilee and we hug and talk of the last 2 months since the retreat. Tonight there will be a gathering of the local group, mostly educators and professional psychologists that have been working together spiritually for the past 5 to 20 years. All gather and the talk is thick and heavy with meaning and insight Another fellow retreatee is there and he is under the scrutiny of the group for his personality has a second face of indifference to the love and entreaties of the other folks there who have warmly accepted him into their group. his world is dissected and examined and he is left to feel his true feelings and fears and there is a great reconnection and love is in the air. The 3 hours goes ny quickly and i am headed to my friends house in Boulder to sleep and return at 6am in the morning for meditation with Siddhartha. The night is warm and sultry, the air redolent with moisture and meaning. I sit up having toast and decaf with my retreat mate and here tomorrow , the retreat will begin in this house. I am feeling more connected than i have for a week but i have little expectation that this 2 day retreat could have as much meaning or power compared to the 6 day at Galilee. I wake at 4 am after falling to sleep at 12:30. I have the coffee and toast, raisin that i had brought in my suitcase. All is well in the world and i am taken by the immense clouds in the mile high sky that is the giant world of the high plateaus. The sun is just peaking over the distant flat horizon yellow and orange and pinks in the sky as we drive back to the other house for morning meditation. I am alive and feeling excited by the coming interactions and silent sittings that are soon to come.
Siddhartha ron and myself sit and close our eyes and in a few minutes the energy begins to flow, another person enters the living room and we are all transported to the world of the SAT and the high connection of the universe. two hours of this light yet powerful energy fill me and as we approach the last ten minutes i feel a concentration in my 3rd chakra and a sudden tiny point in the center explodes with a huge burst of energy through my body, and every cell suddenly explosively expands. I feel a widening and a lengthening of my being and as the meditation ends and Siddhartha leaves to do his singular process until the move to ron's house at one for more interactions and the evenings introduction to the silent retreat at 7pm. I am carrying some things to rons car when i am struck with a vertigo that is more than the lightness of oxygen deprivation and i tell ron i think i am going to stay here and meditate some more as i know something is going on in my system but i am not sure what will happen. I want to sit on tjhis beautiful porch overlooking the lake and enjoy the trees and birds and the vistas across the distant plateaus. I ask the lovely woman whose house this is, Tamar, if i may stay and she graciously permits me. I go to the porch and sit to begin meditation and i feel a fluttering in my stomach and a sudden lightness of my head i feel as well as see a brilliance of energies behind my eyelids that becomes a flood a tidal wave from every point of the universe into me ,the life force of the universe unstoppable and without end pours into me from everywhere around me. I see seas of flame and tunnels of fire beings of incredible light watching as i am transformed for 3 hours unmovable on the porch as the morning proceeds and in the house many people come and go and look in on me and do there normal business. I am beyond knowing or caring as everything that is mine from the universe is processed and everything else is integrated into who this being is becoming. i am unable to move for 3 hours my limbs leaden and my head lolling back and forth, tears streaming down my face in gratitude and joy. The morning is past and the afternoon begun by the time my brother emerges from the room preparing for the journey to Ron's house. he prepares his lunch and i have a small salad with him and we talk on the porch and i describe the details of my experience. He tell me i am having a Samadhi and this is very important. I am getting prepared for things to come. The drive to rons house i quiet and he takes me by the new center for the Boulder group,available in a month, on 33 acres a house with a bottom floor that is a separate office conference room and storage all with separate facilities and phones and electrical. The roads are rough and the surrounding land is all empty space just recently purchased by the city to preserve the open areas.
the evening is come and the light of the day is still hot and humid. we set up the meeting room and prepare the living room for the next days meditations. The group for the meeting the introduction is 12 souls, ready for transport. Siddhartha is the master of ceremonies, a humble figure seated in everyday clothes explaining the process of the silent sitting and the satchitananda. The evening grows long with the questions and answers as Siddhartha expertly weaves through the mental gymnastics of the psycho linguists.
finally at 11 pm with a 6am start time tomorrow the group disbands and i head for my quiet room next to Siddhartha's. the night is filled with moonlight and trains moaning through the streets of boulder.
the morning is raisin toast and coffee and a few moments of peace outside watching the distant sunrise filling the floating aquarium of the sky where whipped water is cotton candy floating through the open spaces of the air.
the first meditation is long and filled with the SAT. i feel the energy running and have some wonderful moments of connection to the being, unconscious and conscious. we finish and the many hands go tot he kitchen to help prepare the breakfast buffet. I take to the many paths from the back porch all through and around boulder. The many ways split here and there and i end up on a small path that cuts through a creek and shady glens of heavy trees and chipmunks crying. i feel a presence behind me tracking me looking over my shoulder. I feel an anxious buzzing in my stomach and am glad i did not eat with the rest. I arrive at the back porch and sit myself under the umbrella at the outdoor table. I am immediately overwhelmed with a powerful force, my limbs rooted to the chair and porch, full energy running through me with rolls and rolls of waves of flow pulsing. I feel a huge pulse of energy in my 4th chakra and the bubbling sensations of intense ananda flows.i am filled with the visions of communion and connection with the forces of the universe and my heart is singing in harmony with everything. for 2 hours i am in the flow and my heart is exploding. I emerge just in time to return for the second silent sitting. the afternoon is full of the quiet and i go in and out of consciousness with the force. The lunch i spend walking more and integrating the experience in my body. At 4 is the final sitting and i am exhausted but exhilarated and feel the energy slowing in me. settling. i end the day glad to be finished but wondering of the many changes i am going through. the night is full of emergent feelings, i feel afraid of my destiny and having the cold feet of the divine for my slowly developing futures. I spend the night talking with my brother about my future and he promises me that we will reach the goal and nothing will prevent this. In the morning the group again gathers for the silent sitting at 6am and the dawn is electric. the sky is filled with sunlight and the room bright and warm. The meditation is filled with energy running and moving legs. when i am finished i leave immediately for a walk as i feel filled with energy like the rajas is coming on strong. I walk and take a new turn and soon am turned round and unsituated. I am signed up to help with the cleanup after lunch and am hurrying to get back. i go one way then the other and finally find the fence and the gate that leads to the forested cove where the bike path returning to the house is and i am soon back. I arrive to find all the work done and everyone smiling as i settle down have a snack and suddenly feel the energy hitting my stomach like a load of adrenaline and i decide i will sit upstairs in my room if i am going once more into samadhi. As soon as i get to my room and sit i feel this burning sensation in my lower back and my breath is getting ragged and my stocmsch is doing flip flops on the pineapple slices and toast i had for lunch. i feel the energy in me building and the heat of my back increasing and then like a shaft of pure force the energy from my lower back pushes up and suffuses through my spinal column and chakras then it explodes up into my head and i feel the inside of my head filled with solid pressure and it feels like wild animals are running round and round in my head pushing and shoving against my swelling brain case. then the energy pours out my 7th like a roman candle. I am transfixed with the sudden energy my eyes are bugging out of my head and the body is in full locomotion, i have to move to think unstopping to breathe hard to feel the blood and energy mixing in me like champagne bubblinbg over i am filled with unending expanding energy and i am running in circles around the room. i try to sit to lay down to do anything but my skin is coming off with the stretching of my muscles. for 90 minutes i am unable to stop i am on my knees crawling the energy is so powerful. I crawl through the connecting bathroom and knock on my brothers door. He answers, with a quizzical smile looking down at me in my semi panicked state and i utter a single word, kundalini, my voice desperate. He feels my head and back then takes a cold washrag and soaks my head down, then he motions me to lay down and try to sleep. I cant believe what he is saying sleep, i am bursting out of my skin how could i sleep, but i lay down and try to just relax and i find in about ten inutes i am almost resting with the energy thrumming through me. by the 11am time i am almost feeling under control. I go down with my brother to join the silent sitters. I am in heavy energy and the entire 2 hours finding the world a small traverse from my vista atop the mountain of kundalini.

this morning to the retreat

the truth is i am missing something. the light, the intelligence, the illumination of all things has diminished. I am still in the heart of the force, running the energy without waver or need. i am unattached but not in the divine manner but in the manner of someone unknowing, not feeling, rather than the wide expansive connection to the subtle forces.i have glimpses surely but the powerful train of expansion has slowed to the creaky wagon and some dull oxen enroute to market. the world is no less a pleasure palace and the heavens no less a crucible of divinity reflected above us every day. but in my weary heart here is less magic,and for that i am a wiser man.the contraction is the result of such heady expansion even i was amazed and in wonderment, and with its sudden demise i have nothing to fear, this is the worst that can happen and even that leaves me with the force intact and my ability to be with my self as an agent of the bringing of unliving matter into collaboration with the divine consciousness. today i leave to another retreat this one shorter and i in the center of it feel some prescience that there will be an opening a return to the source even stronger and perhaps new allies in the battle, for surely i am being set upon by the tamasic forces and the asuric masters leaning hard on those that would reveal their plans and promote new ways to experience the divine in our lives. for we are not these shells alone nor are we the attachments to the physical, but rather the very stuff of the angels and demons we know so well in our dreams and nightmares. enjoy the life you have for it is the smallest of the gifts available to you. this world is filled with warriors of the light and every night they do the work that sends the darkness back and allows the light of day.i stand with them and their battles are mine, and in the process many must join and truly the world is a small place but filled with mighty wonders.

subtle forces

the sea of sleep is the port of call for the force, in active participation i am working through the night attaining the mastery of the force in the chakras. I have mastered the 4th chakra and all is proceeding as planned. I sleep and dream of my work the passage of the force from the 7th chakra through the psychic and the transcommunication channel to the heart. from the heart the flow is to the energy chakra through the sex and to the root. In the night i awaken a number of times with a dry coughing fit as the energy moves through my 5th and the throat is sent into its normal reaction to the overwhelming force. I feel the energy running through me and wish the dream to continue for i feel the effects of the work i am doing in the other dimensions. the dream has little dimension but there are others there with me and we are all involved in the same work. i am wholly relived to be back in the nest of the source and the work we are doing to create the perfect vessel for the transmission of the force to the living and unliving matter. the days of the last week have been rightfully difficult as i have been truly in battle with the forces in opposition to the development of the universal mind in physical matter. The most sinister has been the use of the past the revisiting of the youth and the memories of the past as a distraction and then the ever awaiting things to do and places to go and people to talk to as a constant interruption of the meditation. It was only yesterday that i realized the pain and the frustration that was entering my meditation was the time and place trap. i would begin to feel the intensity of the force and instead of diving completely into it, i would be focused on the end, the next thing, the meal or the chat or the jacuzzi anything to take me out of the experience and this would cause greater resistance to the force and increase the pain. yesterday, i set aside all day for meditation. I resolved to be without a care for anything else. I sat for two hours and had almost no feeling of the force, i sat patient and in the moment never thinking of what else i would do for there was nothing. i took a short lunch break at 2pm and reentered the meditation, this time seated in the half lotus, the best i can do, on the floor. within moments the flow began and it was light and electric. i felt the familiar rain of the energy and soaked up the feeling of its pure enticement and loving strength. in the second hour the kundalini was activated and the power of the sleeping python came to life up and down my spine and i knew i had found my source perfectly. the use of the full 4 hours for meditation is the key. to be unconcerned for any other thing is essential as any distraction will start the cycle of resistance. even the feeling of satisfaction of being full of being complete is a distraction, there can only be the communion of the force and your awareness and expanding vessel to exist. otherwise you fall victim to the machinations of the mind and the subtle forces that fight the transformation that want to keep the world in the unending obscurity.