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Friday, June 18, 2010

the madness

what stupidity is man, his effrontery to grace and seduction of the naive. i sit in one of my three states sad, mad, glad. yesterday, It is the infant crying, today it is the angry child, i am sick of this, where have i gone to be back to there some magic reversal water i am drinking? i look and see only things not divine. i have no special talents, i cannot hear what others tell me are my accomplishments, i am the death of me. what i am is incomplete, i have said that many times, there is only one who completes that part of me and she is here but i am not. so where have i gone. i sit in the silence i feel the energy, i experience that physical sensation of the sat entering, but there is nothing more. after the sitting i feel the same. how is this getting me where i need to be. endure calmly, hahaha. well its a fine laugh on me that i could feel so high for so long and be so filled with the truth and the light and then come to this again. i feel i need to just depart this land go away on my own and see if i rise up or self destruct. if its not in me i want to know it. the work i do is not important, the lives i touch i have pushed away enough tha they will only remember me dully. i think the time is come to make the break. maybe the big island, maybe just the road. not an escape but a plunge into the truth of me. who am i maybe that is still the question, still the answer seems to change as i go day to day and that makes no sense, for if i am truly the center the everything realized there is nothing else to experience and that should be the truth of me. why are there even questions except that i live a life that is not of this one and it is separating me more and More even as i move deeper and deeper into my meaning. i cannot have that now for everyday of separation is like death for me.if i cannot resolve this soon then the real death will come for me. i now i sound like a bitter child but if that is what i am than i must be that as well. take this week to find out if there is something i can move, shift, insert, remove, twist or untwist. all or none. i have spent my life taking half measures to be sure that others are taken care of and i am always living someone elses life to make up for mine. i have brought the light but have stayed in the shadows except for the twice i have been in the very heart of the fire, and the first time i nearly did die, this time i am feeling the mini dieing and it scares me. no one knows how close it came the first time and how long i drew out the ordeal and the damage. this time it will be swift for i have no patience left or hope of another chance.

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