loves inspiration

Friday, June 18, 2010

the madness

what stupidity is man, his effrontery to grace and seduction of the naive. i sit in one of my three states sad, mad, glad. yesterday, It is the infant crying, today it is the angry child, i am sick of this, where have i gone to be back to this.is there some magic reversal water i am drinking? i look and see only things not divine. i have no special talents, i cannot hear what others tell me are my accomplishments, i am the death of me. what i am is incomplete, i have said that many times, there is only one who completes that part of me and she is here but i am not. so where have i gone. i sit in the silence i feel the energy, i experience that physical sensation of the sat entering, but there is nothing more. after the sitting i feel the same. how is this getting me where i need to be. endure calmly, hahaha. well its a fine laugh on me that i could feel so high for so long and be so filled with the truth and the light and then come to this again. i feel i need to just depart this land go away on my own and see if i rise up or self destruct. if its not in me i want to know it. the work i do is not important, the lives i touch i have pushed away enough tha they will only remember me dully. i think the time is come to make the break. maybe the big island, maybe just the road. not an escape but a plunge into the truth of me. who am i maybe that is still the question, still the answer seems to change as i go day to day and that makes no sense, for if i am truly the center the everything realized there is nothing else to experience and that should be the truth of me. why are there even questions except that i live a life that is not of this one and it is separating me more and More even as i move deeper and deeper into my meaning. i cannot have that now for everyday of separation is like death for me.if i cannot resolve this soon then the real death will come for me. i now i sound like a bitter child but if that is what i am than i must be that as well. take this week to find out if there is something i can move, shift, insert, remove, twist or untwist. all or none. i have spent my life taking half measures to be sure that others are taken care of and i am always living someone elses life to make up for mine. i have brought the light but have stayed in the shadows except for the twice i have been in the very heart of the fire, and the first time i nearly did die, this time i am feeling the mini dieing and it scares me. no one knows how close it came the first time and how long i drew out the ordeal and the damage. this time it will be swift for i have no patience left or hope of another chance.

No comments:

Post a Comment

 
© 1999 - 2011 by passedlives- The author of these pages has kindly given permission for his work to appear on this web site. Please do not abuse this kindness (or violate copyright law) by reproducing this work elsewhere on the web (or rewriting, duplicating or distributing it in any other form) without the express written permission of the author.