mahalakshmi

there was a time when
we talked for hours and
we shared our lives,
now you belong there.
I belong here.
finding love in bahkti land is simple.
finding love here is pain.
all the freedoms you have found
are the limitations i experience.
when i run in the morning on the ridge
and see the hawk soaring in the sky above the unrisen dawn,
the universe enters me.
but when i descend and enter the beast
the world collapses.
need and desire and hope and fear,
a million healings wouldn't scratch the surface.
this river of lost humanity flows its tortured channel through my soul
and i must weep.
where is the joy
the harmony
the plain stuff of life and love,
tiny bits and drops of truth slipping away from me.
i maintain my practice, discipline, meditation, chanting, diet,
burning out my remaining attachments that bloom and wither like roses come winter.
I spin with the earths churning round the sun in trapped consent
bearing the fruit of the universe to destinations unknowable.
where am i, if not here
and why am i if not eternal
and who am i if not HE.
what is it i am
for this to be fulfilled.
my questions hang like melting icicles
dripping tiny tears into the frozen earth.
my love is small and
i am protecting it like the mother bear and her cub.
this moment is over and i must move on.
all love to you and your divine nature.
i hold your love in my heart every moment.