to my love

the first thing i remember when i wake is that i am loved
there is a joy in me that wants to arise
and live with every breath i take
i know that feeling so well from a million sunrises
each perfect and promising me everything
only this moment is mine
everything else i give away
surrender and release
each a moment of thankfulness and gratitude
without this in me
i would have no place to be
my love
to you this sunrise i give and
forever let me surrender
that which is love
in me
to you

grounding cemetary

the morning is like cold freedom fresh from the freezer, gasping in little circles around the yard. i stare into the dark and imagine the light that is surely coming. what brave creatures we standing alone on this rock hurtling to certain doom, lost in space and time, adrift for endless centuries with no direction home. what difference here or there good ar bad light or dark, all things are here and there is nowhere else to go. the best seat is the ground your standing on and the last thing you will see is the sky turning away into the west. the body is just the grounding rod stuck into this density to hold the spirit still while the process transforms the awareness. settles into the flesh, connects to the lowest vibrational level and begins to hit the harmonics of existence in the physical plane. the eruption of the heart and the shattering of the soul coalesce into living without freedom, accepting the limitations of the flesh and losing the ability to see beyond this atmosphere, beyond this earthly light. all things left behind are still here and every thing left undone still remains. i sample all there is and what is left is what has always been. nothing gained nothing lost, the system is closed and only the chemical structures change. the past has been forever, the future unending, this moment infinite, time measures infinity unending.

this perfect

in the home of my heart
without family or kin
the love flows without effort or discourse
the light falls gently from heaven
and the food is love divine
the fireplace whispers its warmth
and the wooden walls enfold me
my love is supreme and full
empty of desire
full of wanting nothing
i am come to the end of my wandering
this perfect end
this perfect home
this perfect life

i alone

meditation beyond the form or at least destroy the form
i went beyond for a few inexplicable instants
beyond what i am
at every moment i must destroy that which i experience as me
then feel that which is unknown
the expansion the release the speed beyond this form
frightening
i saw myself die a million times
and each time return
i dealt a million deaths to kill this self'
so strong is the ego
the sense of self separate
that which is not the self
its not medicine i need
but release
meditate
let go of every sense of self
the one meditating
the one between me and the true being
the one experiencing
let that which is be
i let all sense of control go
and feel incredible energies come forth
unknown to the tiny self
i truly let myself go
i felt all the universe in its incredible motion
and the unknowable speed
until i was everywhere at once
and yet there i was
and i smashed that
decapitated
and the next and the next as each experience carried me beyond even my experiencing
and i was in the valley of the giants and the cliffs of despair
and they looked upon me as nothing
all was enclosed in tremendous vertical valleys and monstrous beings
and i was a speck upon the distant cliffbottoms
terrified and enthralled
and i tried to rise up and ascend and ascend these unending cliffs to see the world above
and then i swelled up like a balloon and floated out
and there was a billion stars filled with a billion worlds filled with billions and billions of balloons
and i exploded
and flew beyond form into pure welling magma of the very heart of the manifesting machine
and there in the primordial energies i toiled and dripping the very sustenance of being
i sweltered and melted into the mush of existence and disappeared into the blackness of unbearable emptiness
and yet it was i alone there and i slew that one too
never ending i fled through the past and through every face i ever lived in and each i lived and killed and moved on unending
without passion or fear i killed and loved and wanted and took and made and had until all creation had passed through me
and i had died a million times and then in this body i sat in my energy and opened the doorway to the past lives through my root chakra and took back my divine energy from every life i had ever had
and that energy ran through my kundalini like a firestorm and i created a shell of pure titanium around me so no energy could be released
and i burned everything
and what is left is here now typing these words and seeing a billion deaths like skulls around my neck
where is the end
where is the final battle
where is my krishna
and then i went through my life and everything i have ever had i took to the flame
every pain every love every desire
into the fire
every family member
every memory
and they came like locusts unending
every feeling
every touch
every intuition and aspiration
burned in the crucible
what is left i would scream to the emptiness
and more would come
and i would burn that too
until i was praying that every prayer be cast in to fire
and the very gods i seek
let them all be ash
and the ashes sucked into the cosmic vortex to the very center of the universe and crushed in the darkest heart of the blackest hole of all destruction
and what am i
what is that in this hollow shell says i am
and i killed that too
and the gun was turned even again to that voice
and i fell until there was peace and destruction af everything i call me
and what sits waiting unknowable without a face
i
and i alone
and for a brief moment there was no i
no other no separation
empty
beyond feeling
vast where there is nothing
until
i was a tiny particle of my being dense and separate still
but set in the bowl of despair
and all that i am screams for release to be done and finally finished
but the world sits placid and maya laughing
such is the hideousness of fools
i knew i was there somewhere
but there was little time for my tasks were never done
i let all go gave all to the divine and was no more than the flowing river of roses at her feet
and she let me carry her feet light as angels wings
and i was swept up and hurled skyward to become the songbirds to keep her company in her lonely vigil over creation
and for uncounted eons we played these games but she never left the castle
and i fell from my sky and nurtured the soil to grow her fruit and she ate me and let me become that which i am
her undying flesh
and that is how man was born
i feel the crazy and the sanity of being born to die
in the form that i have chosen out of the greatest love for her creation

nothing found

what matter holds no love or pain
nothing found or lost
there is the emptiness of truth
the flower of waking truly
borne on the stalk of despair
plague this earth no longer
with troubled sighs and
lamentations of the damned
the last kingdom is come and
the red sea is set
moses has come home
chariots blazing

flesh eaten

i cant exist
i expand and the universe contracts
flesh speaks without me
i am undying
the me merged with that which is i
yet here i am somehow touching me in i
let me be that which is eternally void
undying unexistence
i fall to be found missing
i am nowhere yet here is where i feel
i bring my birth to the altar of being
and return my mothers pain
flesh eaten and burned no longer threatens
no longer mine
how can matter be
in emptiness i find the flesh of my soul
breathing flame i am fire and all oxygen spent

only the i

i collapse, the world surrounds nothing and i fall
complete and exhausted from all existence
the revolution turns inside out and i am brought from the inside of everything to the outside of nothing
where every point leads to emptiness
what is possible is impossible
the truth is a lie in every way
all meaning fails
what is true has no meaning
nothing is supreme
we cannot exist
and do not
for we only try to pretend
holding the wavering folds of manifesting matter
tremulous and crumbling in hands formed of mysteries wanting
and shuddering
we dissolve without knowing
all is undefined non existent
only the i is

lucky

i exist to be alive, there is no other purpose and that is not a purpose but a physical reality. organs nerves, flesh and bone animated and strung together with complex amino acids flung against a wall of sensation and from that a neurological receptor aggregates and coalesces around the tissues and there evolves the sensations and the reactions and the eons of imprinting through billions and billions of experiences all tossed into the unconsciousness of existence, the belly of suffering and fear from which we flee into unending fantasies, imagining experiences that do not exist. we sleep unaware yet reacting to the trillions of neurons activating shared subconsciousness and twitch until the life in us resurges and surfaces to the physical reality we are chained to. this is the reality of the spirit, the unending pain of being imprisoned not exalted in the body of a beast. take pleasure and suffer divinely they say but what is that but lies, all lies from every corner they tell stories that have no reality for the true sufferer of the spirit, for there is no seeking only suffering. the soul awaits and has no way through that door, until it is opened for him. no pleading or acting or perfecting will create anything. the door does not open from here. you are alone and there is no one watching to see if your doing it right or wrong, just you making it what it is for you. the only truth is there is none, the lucky die happy, the rest just die.

stigma

where is pain located in the body. for me i feel the liver tight and sharp, the neck tense, the knee and back. where is the opposite of pain, nowhere. the lack of pain where i am numb and absent. in my mind i feel it all the pain points the confusion the lack of love and support the betrayal, i know i am getting too old to trust anyone. i have lived too long and seen the signs too many times, been trusting and felt the pain, i can only continue alone in this life. even now my children are losing their connection and i feel that too. all is leaving as i lose my sense of caring. the happiness is only when i stop myself. stop my ego and surrender to the devils that want only what they need, only what is their reality and need to make it yours.but that ends when the ability to make that real ends
all truth is empty, all reality false, there is no higher consciousness than awareness and awareness denies nothing. what is, is. everyone denies it tries to change it argues about it, but i see just as it is and that doesnt change.we make it what it is, if you only see your own pain then what does it matter what someone else feels. if you refuse to see the pain, then you cannot see the truth in someone else. life is misery, it leads us to accept death as our savior and our lover, nothing else can remove the stigma of existence.

only game

they talk of the coming the going the next thing the next wave of consciousness, where humanity is heading. i am only interested in me right now, the limitations and the release of pain, from me right now. not tomorrows or yesterdays. endure, complete acceptance, pain, turmoil, transcendence. what is it i have lost my reference points. what i feel now, i dont know what it used to feel like, i cant compare it to some other feeling, it seems to obliterate all memories and time. the weekend was a horror of frustration and anxiety. on top of that i must endure the complaints of those around me criticizing my feelings and questioning my reactions. fine i am going through hell and am keeping on, on into the inevitable end, whatever that may be,for i have lost sight of what that is, and when i do regain some idea, it passes with the next transition, there is no end, no beginning, just now and there should be something to reflect on but the instant doesnt have that in its power. i am a child and old man, hot and cold, fat and thin horny and chaste, loving and angry. there is nothing i am not and everything i would surrender if that were only part of what i go through, but somehow i am not calling the tunes or picking my dance partners. i could close it down but its the only game in town. so i review what has happened and see only what is and not was or will be and i find i can only keep faith in myself and endure and continue and if this is the way to die then so be it and let it come, i have no particular reason to think anything else would be preferable.

endless

the oppression of darkness
the desperation of daylight
where the two intersect madness
the painful reminders of living
in the endless transitions
where is the fire burning
how does the midnight end
endless night endless light
in a unverse of change

the blog will not be televised

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self winding

i approach my life as if it were my own personal toy, a lovely gimbeled swiss watch kind of a thing that i have modified and added on to over many decades until it is like almost part of me. a little precious piece of myself that i cannot part with. the very experience of what i am and who i want to be. but the truth is its who it wants to be and does what it wants me to. i some times have so little control i feel like it is wearing me rather than the other way around. i imagine i wind and wash and set and program and manage this little thing but it doesnt turn out that way. when it feels pain so do i when it is happy i am ecstatic, when it has problems, i go to pieces.how did things ever get this way. i know i had help and plenty of excuses for staying in the guidelines and limitations of my set values and expectations. but i played loose with the rules to a point, i didnt want to be like all the others, dishing out dirt on those that depended on them. but what did i know, what made my choices any better or worse? i feel the pain of torturing myself and easing my frustrations like a dog licking himself after a vicious fight.the light is empty for me and the dark a well of nightmares. some i have lived others i can only imagine.
now i try to do the best thing the right thing the only thing. i stay in my heart and in my psychic, but when i come out of it everything dissolves into chaos and corruption, fright and self loathing, what was i doing , what was i thinking, how can i make this stop?
but there is no off key and the only motion is on, straight ahead, oblivion and damnation, sure collapse and complete humiliation for wanting something that no one cares about but you. i try to make it work for everyone but that just heaps the scorn and anger higher, the degradation and contempt, the pain is like glass shards under the fingernails hot with infection and swelling. meditation comes and goes, sometimes the perfection of release after the agony of dismal obscurities and unending attachments are cast off, other times the release never comes. is there love in here or is that just my own imagination, what can i trust in this world or in the world i think i am in. its all more than a game and less than mine,i feel like a tool and a plodder a craftsperson not the artisan, somewhere the truth is hiding keeping a sharp eye out that i do not find it, so i make my own and wonder, is this what i really am, a solipsistic conundrum searching for validation and experiences that mean nothing except they exist as do i somewhere in this chaotic mess.

what is mine

i look where there is nothing expecting something, thinking there is something there something i need or will make me feel better than just feeling this unending emptiness. i want to be empty but i feel full of it full of the negative feelings about what i have done. nothing goes away and all revisits me whenever i feel like i have been foolish or unthinking or just uncaring about what i am trying to achieve or manifest or become whatever this aspiration is pointed to. and that is the reality the deadly aspiration. the ending of this life to start another that has no face or form. what is that but death and its unknowable face. i eat my bowl of fruit and oatmeal, wanting to taste something sweet in this sour place. too many masters too many saying we know whats best, you dont. your doing it wrong, your not progressing fast enough, your getting it mixed up, whats wrong with you.......
and then the perfect, im just sharing my truth, whatever it is, i still love you no matter what, like thats all i need.sure i need love but not as a booby prize, not for just existing, not for being a loser. i follow my self and find a trail of pain and passivity, i want to take action and get hatred and anger, what i want or need is of no consequence to anyone but me.so i stumble and fall and pick myself up, the desert of my life becoming drier and drier, the mirages less tangible, the reality all too real. its not the mother or sri aurobindo i identify with in all these books, its the lowly satprem and his pain and dejection. i am so undone i feel only identification with the creator of fantasies the lover of tales the believer not the being. how is that for aspiration, to be the water boy of the saints and the receiver of instructions.

lastings

i feel uncovered unprotected assaulted from all sides
and no part of me is free
the joy others feel is lost on me
i am separated from the happiness the ananda
only the pain and attachments are mine
and i am done
even siddhartha says something is wrong
i should be experiencing more ananda at this point
i should not be involved with these distractions
i should not commit to anything
be wary of unexpected enthusiasm
you will be caught up in more attachments and
be diverted from your practice
from this siren song that leaves me unfulfilled
dangling where i dont want to be
committing to things i cant support
taking anything i have and turning it against me
if i could be free of this
i would still be trapped
what i have done is all too real in this world
and the strain of maintaining everyones desires
is killing me

intransient

the cockroaches of the mind, the attachments and fears of the ego. the plane of samsakaras, the well of despair. take your pick, all are illusions, nothing satisfies or destroys. there is nothing that will endure. your own world is destroyed when you sleep, recreated when you awaken, with subtle differences.we recreate the world as we want, as we feel, as we believe and this changes constantly. one day we love our children, the next they are the objects of our failure and success, the next they are agents of our bondage, every moment we switch our needs our desires our painful attachments to that which makes us feel alive. for its life, in all its feeling and activity that we are drawn, yet nothing lasts, nothing goes beyond this moment, for in the next we need to reexpeience that which we just held just experienced, its reality already fading our needs reasserting into our consciousness, we are incomplete our reality in danger or happy only when this desire or that need is satisfied. and then we start all over a new cycle and repeat that which worked in the past.the endless attempts to go beyond, just make it more defined, more powerfully exposed.the truth of my feeling is the despair the wall and well of pain that all these attachments leave me with, the sense that nothing i do can release the pain i bring myself, the things i do for love become the very agents of absolute attachment and bondage. the realization that even the entanglement of spiritual experience becomes the fog of actions that empty the self and destroy the world, and leave the broken remains unable to move in any direction and the force of the hard realization breaking the bones of the hearts wanting, and the souls yearning until i understand there is no way for me to escape from myself as long as i want to be loved.

full moon howl

the full moon rises and the energy turns to brilliance. my mind sizzles with the power of being and possibilities. i am ready for yoga my body tells me. i have been reading the blog of a yoga teacher and fantastic woman who has made a huge impression on me with her devotion to the truth of her soul and her painful peace with herself. i want to be free to be absolutely free from every tie and pain and pleasure on earth and be that, empty and whole at once with love and perfect awareness of myself and the mother as one. the life i am leaving is beautiful but there is a truth that is more real more fluid more true to myself that i have denied too long and can no longer wait for. i know i have said this a thousand times in this blog but its coming faster than even i could believe. 4 months and i am a raging tiger a clan of energies released and recaptured for myself.where does it go and what does it do when its not in ascension, i think the yoga can find it. in my very muscles and bones it lives and waits until i can free my mind and soul and feel the power the very rage of existence that flows through me.until now it has been a docile walk to become that habitless hobo i have been so in love with, now i feel the iron and steel in me forged anew in the purpose of creation of my religion of self and selflessness, emptiness and communion with the unknowable power of the unmanifest become the raging force of existence. that is the simple truth, we live on the edge of holocaust and are not free to experience it, the end and the beginning of every particle is an unending vortex and explosion of creation and destruction pulsing through the fabric of existence.i want that in me, the very feeling of the power that has created me and loves me and nurtures me Even as it destroys and annihilates universes and galaxies. i am the edge of realization and experience and the mask of love and hate impressed on being, where i go there is change and wonder, what i do is force manifest. there is no little me.only the reality of form crushing the untamable explosion of living energy into physical boundaries, tieing down the soul and gagging its expression into words and lipstick. we are the force of love life creation and the power of death and destruction released into self, damaging only our own realizations and lives with the misdirected energy, the self destroying unnatural ways of man. lost we cut our own throats and bleed into the sand hoping tomorrow will never come, but there a million souls awaken mad with the fever of despair.this is the realization, we are untameable and wild yet loving and kind but one without the other is the living death.

her only

this morning the air is warm, the summer deep in the consciousness of the land. i wake before dawn before the world even thinks of dawn. the quiet outside is supreme and the lights lend a mirror like quality to the surfaces and the sky is more black and filled with an unending aspect thats lends itself to dreams.all love and devotion to the creator and fulfilling purpose of being, i set to my yoga for old men and stretch gently through some simple asanas. i am stiffer than i remember and no bones crack as i turn my back from side to side. the morning energy is begun, all love and devotion continues as i make my simple coffee and toast upon the stove in the house of the love of my soul. the small rooms simple are filled with burning candles and lamps, but filled with love and images of the mother and sri aurobindo sit on the altars always reaching to me through their graven images. every moment here is a moment in the presence of the divine for nothing intrudes or is out of place, all things exist in harmony and balance and it is perfectly natural and the result of constant loving labors that never end. we mortals see a million small things in a million places, she sees just the one before her, just the one compltely in her attention and she fits it neatly into her perfect nature and movement. i am enthralled with the aspect of the divine here at work. this silent morning after the day with her yesterday as i sat watch for my fathers brain tumor biopsy, all was magic, the sense of her being wrapping love around everything she was connected with quickly brings my surrender to her and i become part of her world part of her love and i am complete.this morning still un brought unbegun still some mystical space between the night and the light, i begin my process the hawaiian process to eliminate the stored memories that block the experience of the divine, 12 steps of repentance, responsibility, acceptance, love and acknowledgement go swiftly and the air is still and warm, but unlike the islands its is supremely dry. then the Mother book is read aloud, the passion of surrender and complete devotion to her and to that aspect of her that my love is mahalakshmi the beauty and balance, harmony and love of the divine manifestation. i give my life to her and to her i will be forever made divine in my own way for she lightens my weary shoulders and brings sweet drink and delicious food when i am in need and to my spirit there is ananda always and light and eternal love.

sensated

relinquish control of all things all possessions all life and thought. here is the desire force crushing our lives into the earth removing the freedom of joy and ecstasy. all is the limitations of the ego, the grasping on to what we think we are is immaterial, not of this planet and not of this flesh, and all we are given is only the gift of love and its manifestations. all we hold with love and purity is ours, that which is left is not ours and never was. we come as visitors, guests, children with nothing and we begin to think we own this because we have senses and desires of the senses.what we are is lost in the sea of samskara and grasping on to every wave as we are swept in the current of existence. how can we be free if we do not know we are imprisoned. touch who you are not your possessions, feel the truth of having nothing and being nothing. live as a ghost in this world a spirit emanating from beyond. when you feel your self disconnect then you can understand the true meaning of life death and the mystery of existence. we cannot possess anything except our being existing without the deformity of desire. that which we see touch, taste, hear, smell all is the trap of existence, all will keep the revolution of the spirit trapped in body after body until all else is lost. under the skin and bone and nerves is the soul, the spirit being possessed and possessing all. in that experience the spirit loses all identity and becomes the body, the senses and the experiences. then the soul is trapped in the original misunderstanding of the original agreement, the original sin, the wanting what is not ours to have.

waking pains

placing what is important above what is not. how is this possible when we have no idea what we are doing. without devotion and surrender we just plow through the day doing what is in our desire state eating the food we want not what we need.the path is a twisted wreckage of intentions mistaken for meaning, intending to be something i am not and then finding what that means when everything falls apart. i run to the corner and end up losing my mind trying to figure out why. the least of my issues is the only one that matters, where is my devotion, my surrender, where is the form of my undoing. i live in the spaces between my attention and find myself unprepared to even begin when i think i am almost there.the end is not the end and i a have no idea where i started. love is lust or not even nice and i think it became some perverted sense of self importance and then just a mirror of my misplaced self desire. where there is truth i put interpretation. where i find purpose i put desire and ego. even the niceties i reject now, better to just be unfriendly then to put a false meaning forward. what i really feel is anger towards god and the reason i was born. where is my summer and holiday where is my trip to paradise. the sleep brings me closer to the truth and this waking sense the nightmare of belief.

considerations

the considerations continue, this life this job this relationship. what difference does it make one is just like the other, i guess my choices have been rather uneducated until 12 years ago and by then things had been set in stone. once you reach 50 your life is your life or so you think. i made changes in what i could do outside of my work and relationships and found a world that is the one i want. but moving into it completely has been so difficult, you would think that the world would move into alignment naturally but there is no simple solution but to cut the gordian knot and be done with it. i had love, spirit, meaning, purpose, aspiration, practice all lined up and rather than just leave everything behind i thought i could have it all and ended up with half measures and disappointment. better to get swept away than to be left rooted in the wet sands watching the tide roll away. i have my moments of crystal clarity and supreme devotion but then its crash and burn on the remains of my lifes work, the jagged rocks of empty relationships and disappointing careers. but what i know is in this case half a loaf is no loaf at all. there has to be a sundering of the ties to the world unwanted. somehow the unworkable pieces have to be shaken off before you can truly move into the space of light and love that only i can see. those that i have brought this far need to find their own path and forgive me for not having done this when they were younger and stronger. but now is the time and i must no longer stay or i too will lose all sense of who i am and what my true purpose is.
a weekend with the pater familius and family was a descent into the attachments and dependencies of the human nature. all things evolve from the desire functions, plenty of human love and interest but a real low level of purpose or clarity and every thing clings to what is what they see in this physical world and nothing can shift. all hooks and cords and grasping onto each other as the waters of the world rise and fall unceasing.shadow worlds too, quasi energetic layers of misdirected and maniacal visions upsetting all and leaving a wake of turmoil and unreason. there is no peace there and never will be. the wolf is loose among the chickens and the eggs are stolen as the hens cackle and preen. all is death and decay where the light cannot shine. as i left the memories filled me and the turmoil roiled in me and i could not feel the peace i came with. i resolved to remain apart, to find just my path, only my truth, the truth of i.
to be with love and truth and meaning is all and in this desire world there is none, only the self exists and all else is the fruit of the desire being. where one thing is unevolved all things wait. the want for sense satisfaction is the creation of everything. where is love but in the hand of the creator, the very crux of being and we the left overs of the universe are left seeking that which we cannot find but only be the expression of.

what is beautiful

there is little else for me than the work the aspiration the time spent in between, my man made duties that i must fulfill for a time going forward.all else is fallen away. i have such little selfish time left, a few minutes of reading undivine book with my coffee. that will soon be gone. I still surrender that which is not divine to her only and all is for her and she is helping me to see what i am and what i truly am. this morning in my meditation i lit the candle of my kundalini and set it before the altar of the mother and felt her come to me in energy divine and her fingertip touched my forehead lightly and all ecstacy and pain blossomed in my soul and i am wrung like a towel filled with the water of the divine drunken by the thirsty soul lost from the desert of the empty heart. what is true is what she gives me. i surrender all understanding and knowledge and trust in the inspiration she would send me. the MAHALAKSHMI is my center my heart my connection to all that mother would bring. i surrender forever and evermore to that being of perfect grace and balance to align me with that which is truth and love.

fear nothing

today i am trying to hold onto this lightness
this divine grace i am given
i tremble with the strength of light
i do fear the darkness i am in
i am trying to be brave
but i want to cry
i am a child here
of the mother
this world is the dwelling of the darkness
and i am just realizing how frightened i am
for now i know what is given and what can be lost
and i am in the very black heart of the dark forces
suddenly realizing i have crossed the line
i was under cover but now am exposed to the light
and all can see
i am a child of the light
not a slave of the dark
i hold tight to her and fear nothing
when i am in her arms there is nothing but love
and that i know we share

monday sadhana

the day is started with a ringing in the head a distance from the connection to this world, a shortening of the travel time to the energetic unseen landscape resting just behind. the pressure on the head in the 7th is continuous not invasive but present. there is an unrelenting awareness of the other the unseen the determining energies of the moment that linger behind every manifesting entity in the physical. where i feel disconnected from this level of reality so do i also feel some undefined quantity of connection to another, some where i am whole and in the moment but this awareness is not there nor am i here.tea is called for and brought not by the unseen minions of my domain but by the selecting of my tea bag and the pouring of hot water in a cup cleaned by a paper towel manipulated by these hands. there is no magic but what i am and no psychic force manifesting my unspoken whims. the world shifts as it will and i feel it like a sail in the wind, pulling the sculling hull of my being into alignment or cutting across its wake in a race for some momentary advantage in the positioning of my being with the movement of the planet. where it takes me i have surrendered, the path is no longer mapped or even distinguished by a marker, the bucket of my dreams is of an emptiness that pulls the being from this existence like a suctioning pump seeks its return to equilibration. i feel the wafer thin reality cracking under my weight as i strive to lose more and be less even as life demands i pay attention and hold tight to what it wants me to have. i loose my grip and the draining force of the SAT removes even the blood from my veins and the flesh from my bones. i am truly become the very stick man headpiece filled with straw even as i experience unequalled states of expansion and energies flowering and possessing me like sunshine holds the world in its thrall.even the slightest cloud bisecting me from my experiences makes my heart shiver with the passing gloom and shadow. then all is forgiven, the pain removed with the pleasure, the truth realized as the untruth manifest and returned, where nothing prevails over what cannot be realized, and life is a prevarication of the damned. what madness this the left over remains of a night in unbeing, the soul cast forth as a life preserver to the emptiness and unwanted remembrances of the last and previous times we sailed this sea alone and dismembered from this time.
the light is slight and whispering, the dance of the candle flickers behind the closed shell of the optic nerve, its signal a secret language of the instant translated and unidentified by the mind only translated directly to the limbic cortex, the milk of meaning is saturating the cells and all miracles are lost on the unaware, sinking in the pot of mentalized fabrications. only broken fragments return through the uneven pulsing of the aura and being connected to a mental state that slips unseen behind the current reality and breaks the pane of the inner glass. one moment is all and it shatters the reality of everything as time evaporates into the place that has no dimension or sound, i smell sweet liquor and taste the pungent ashes of its remains, only the heart continues the sound internal as a rapid pulse in the gut beats against the throat and the anxious nervousness flutters in the pit of realizing there is something here, something in this moment that has come for me and wont leave now that i have called it and in my unawareness i am not ready. slipping from consciousness the tastes become images like intense red and yellow phosphorescent designs and intricate figures that expand from a field of floating energies. the screen dissolves to grey and tan checkerboards and then a sea of black filled with emerging white bytes of awareness emerging from the still surface like pudding rising from the pan as the skin of the milk hardens. i am sucked under and there is only my voice talking directing me to the waters deepening and turning blue and green in the wash of the pulsing red glow. the netting is strung everywhere, the layers and layers of worlds buried and covered for eons by unknown relations of being beyond knowing fishing for the souls that try to return, through unending darkness the colors change burnishing the gloom and fading like some distant neon reminder of a time you once remembered but no longer can recall.

non-experiential awareness and the source of spiritual experiences

In the state of non experiential awareness experience becomes subordinate to the awareness of divine. experience becomes the infusion of divine awareness into the individual and thus is a transitory process. As the awareness expands beyond the individual through the membrane of the universal, there is the experience and in that process the awareness and the experience are united. As the awareness passes through the experiential barrier of the universal the individual has the experiences that are so closely related to the spiritual journey, the descending energies, the visions and realizations. as the awareness exits into the universal, the pressure is removed and the experiences fall away. it appears at first that they have stopped but in truth the individual has sufficiently expanded that the experiences no longer create the pressure that was associated. The rupture of the membrane has ended and the pressure is gone.the expanded state emerges into a new plane where untold amounts of expansion can occur without restriction. thus the experiences are no longer felt.
There is another level of spiritual experience which is related to the individual connecting to their own infinite divine self in their final realized state while still in the space and time limited form. this creates pressure from the connection as the infinite self enters the individual. here the individual is actually reaching beyond this plane of existence and experiencing their own future infinite state and have the experiences that the infinite being entering the restricted consciousness creates. here the individual is assured that they are in fact to eventually be connected permanently to their divine self.
in the individual awareness the human consciousness is identified with the experience and feels it as their awareness having the experience. everything else is subordinate to the experience. it is only when the individual awareness crosses the plane of experience that there is an end to identification with the experience. The experience serves as a marker that this part of the journey has begun, however once the individual awareness merges with the infinite the attachment to the experience ends. the state of non experiential awareness takes hold and the state becomes unattached to the sensory and experiential nature of the beings consciousness and instead connects to the infinite awareness that has no connection to any individual state.

healed spirit

Last night my being shifted into my awareness. I realized as soon as i stepped into my meditation that something was changed. I felt untouched by any reality but the one i was sitting in. there was nothing else. no requirements, no attachments, no thing to do or check or think about. I was free of time as we use it, as a nagging reminder of all of our dependencies and desires. instead i was in the moment, untouched, free to be in the moment without distraction or worry. i realized that i could sit in this state for an unlimited period. days weeks months, there was only this with no expectations of what should be or could be, just this. I had no desire for experience or change. i saw only the blank undefined shapes of formless sitting. i felt no energies. i was adrift in the eternal moment. after a while i have no idea there was the energy in my fourth beginning to throb, a pleasant feeling like a pulse but faster larger. i soon felt the cool agni of the kundalini drifting up my being, actual energetic flames appeared before me and within me. the energy soon began its rhythmic climb and began to run generously through my crown from my root chakra. i began to feel the dull throb of pain the familiar pain in my left shoulder soon spreading through my upper arm. intense black squeezed the arm rendering it useless and cold yet burning. I felt to experience this fully. I focused on the area and went into the darkness, it began to swell and like a blood pressure cuff increased the pressure. the pain became white hot and bursting. i grabbed the energetic tissue and pulled it away from the arm, releasing burst of white pain filled with black energy. i began unwrapping huge bands from around the shoulder and arm. as the pressure there was diminished it increased down my arm through the wrist and hand. I felt my hand become like a monkeys paw, shriveled and lifeless.I realized that beneath the bands of pain there was a heavy wrapping, i began to unwind the wrapping and felt the hand of the embalmer and high priest upon me. i was not dead but unable to move as the wrappings were tightened harder and harder around my arm. i was being mummified in preparation for entombment. the arm was throbbing with the intensity of the death that would slowly follow as all light and air was closed off. I continued unwinding what seemed like miles of wrappings from the arm and hand and felt circulation tingling in areas that had not been alive for centuries. through out my life i always wondered why my left hand and arm were weaker than my right, less coordinated when practicing my drumming for years. Now it became obvious. I began at the top of my head and unwound the enshrouding wrappings for an hour i unwrapped and released the fear and pain of the slow death that was forever imprinted in me. i felt new life in all parts of me from toes to forehead expansion breathing of the skin and cells, freedom i had not experienced before. as the weight and pressure left me i seemed to float and all the pain in my arm and shoulder was gone. iwas able to sit and the energy flowing and feel weightless in all my extremities. i experienced every cell of my body as free and sat noticing a slight pain in my right knee. the one that years ago i had torn the ACL while hiking in Hawaii. I energetically removed the kneecap and began running cleansing energies through the knee, removing the cords left by the doctor and the injuries and the entities that were present at the time and filling it all with divine light. i flooded the leg with healing energies and with perfect divine light and love. all pain evaporated and i began the work of the Ho'oponopono removing all blocks, attachments, fears, transgressions, wrongs and distressed feelings toward everyone in my lifes experience. My family, my families families all relatives all persons i have ever had relationships with, all people i have worked with, all fellow travelers on the spiritual path, all beings i went to school with, every place i have lived and worked or could remember, every plant in my yards, every molecule i had come in contact with throughout this life and all live and all peoples and all ancestors. deeply, humbly, i cleaned and cleaned until the very obscurities of the divine were released and i set forth unchecked into the heart of the divine, in hallowed m,mountains and cliffs carved in the likenesses of a thousand deities through deep caves of unending storage of every experience of all my lives and then the river of these experiences that i directed before me into the sands of oblivion and down the grounding tube to the center of the earth and the huge brown river of my being s lives all swept down the canyon filled with the acceptance forgiveness love and gratitude of my being.all was being removed by the power of hte divine now fully united with me, the family of one, the divine the father the mother the child as one, all in me all in perfect unity and harmony. i felt the very perfect perfection of my existence and manifestation and slipped ecstatic into pure awareness, all thought done and gone all existence in every atom and filling the entire cosmos universal and individually experiencing everything without separation or end. this life and all lives completed and now free. time endless and invisible emptied into the moment unending. such lightness and fulfillment i have never experienced, truly this is the transformation, i could exist forever in this freedom. sitting was unbelievable joy, the experience of nothing filled me. the cup full of empty, the empty cup, no cup, emptiness, complete emptiness, complete undoing, letting go, gone. as the end became the beginning i was surrounded in the light of full darkness uncovered, eternal and the light filling every emptiness with brilliant fulfillment the awareness of its emptiness saturated every separated atom of my existence. fluid as pure as outer space surrounded me in a cocoon of being and i breathed the air of love and expanded beyond knowing.
somewhere the body returned and the awareness opened to the flat stillness of life untouched, still as glaciers frozen on mountain tops. i entered the system as the child reborn and in awe and wonder of this miracle, the walls of the senses surrounding me with pure delight, the sheer pleasure of knowing, a thought as thick as wheat grass fields flowing with honey smothered me. the air light as angels wings caressed me, the brilliance of sight turned me upside down and revealed my bound desire to experience as real this moment in this form in this place this time of all time and i am returned a new man and yet so very loved as only the most ancient of souls alive can be. i sit for ever until a wish to experience movement connects me to this planet and i arise and wander through my life fresh, the world i have, the little things i do the people i am with and i connect to them all and touch each energy as a part of me. i am in love. i return to sitting aware that in a couple of hours i will have the next experience of my life as service as responsibility without attachment now to the work to the world where i live to create my reality in physical meaning, the energies of work and reward, places that dwell deeply in the wounds recently healed in my heart.

ancestral retreat

i am in the very center of existence, my self immersed with the divine, all my being aligned with the purpose of becoming divine, never wavering, sometimes in the heart of being exploding with the force of love. all day it is the stretch from being at work to being in harmony, not an alien form but a loving connection i need. the force of the cleaning and the love of the divine combine into ecstasies and flow like rivers of delight as the earth opens up and lets me go.
in every retreat the force is released and reconnected, every truth is released and set free, every meaning loosed and loved, every purpose unbound and let go. all that remains is that which you have yet to find for the next time and the next. as in the process we know what we become but never who we were, awareness is ever looking ahead integrating the past with the present as future evolves. what is I is ever I and that which is the i ness is always integral to that which is to be and is now forever what is the awareness. beyond that is the i in you becoming only the i without any source or ending.
the accumulation of the family of man, the evolution of the species, the race of all mankind's attachments and emotions is here with you in this moment and unless you consciously remove that which is there, you will be forever immersed in the pool of desire. as the unawakened man is the slave of this mass of directive and invective.
only through the miracle of meditation and energetic realization can this be overcome and dispelled, first in each individual and finally in the collective for we each copy down the code and run it in our systems and add our own twist and flavor to its message, then at death it is uploaded to the collective. the passage is unremarkable as the system is wiped clean and returned for recycling. the only method for aborting this process is to reverse the code in the system, by emptying the memories from the storage, through meditation.the mind must stop, before the code can be killed, like booting into safe mode, then the quiescent virus of ancestral karmas can be easily removed. but this is not all. the everyday will bury you anew with your reactions and inattention's, your emotional connections and cords to a million thoughts ideas people places and things, whatever you can think feel or imagine, you become connected to and take on their programming. to get beyond this your practice must daily remove these and finally prevent these from ever occurring.
and remember, we absorb everything, not just what we are aware of but the great mass that we are not. our system is processing 11 million bits of information through our known senses every second, and an unknown quantity through the senses we arent aware of. all this has the ability to trigger our emotions feelings thoughts in ways we have no control over. so when we have a thought or a reaction or a desire, we have no idea what has triggered this. its all imaginary that we are in control of these human systems we inhabit.
become light, divine light and know you are not the body or the mind or the feelings but the being of spirit that has come to be integral in the process of bringing awareness, divine consciousness into living and unliving matter, a divine force not of this earth but in communion with these tiny spirits awaiting our salvation.

ho' oponopono

this was it, the mother lode, the nest of the full blown crazies.the radical philosophy of a maverick kahuna in the hands of the flower generation passed on to every middle aged abused housewife in 17 countries. Stretch pants over beach balls and hair every which way, short is best or impossible frizz. the flavor of the day is orange.and large. with all the guile of a high school production, the fate of the world is given to these. and thats the truth of it.
literally. its nothing short of the fate of all mankind which is transferred to the abilities of the near insane and the portly petulant. who else would even consider it possible, and these are not all first timers suckered in by a smooth talking huckster in a book that is simple and evasive but promises too much to believe.no, many are multi year students of the Hawaiian madwoman.
the philosophy is a variant of all eastern thought. there is only one being expressed in unending forms in every molecule of existence. and that being is in each of us and is perfect. it is only the memories stored through all generations of living humans, the resurfacing of remembered falseness to the being, the turning away from the divine that create the problems in the world. these memories are shared with all in the being. so when a problem arises it acts like a virus, the memory is shared by all it touches. what to do?
this one Kahuna in the 70's devised a method where one person in harmony with themselves could petition the divine self nature to erase these memories and thereby remove them from all mankind for all time. its a simple process of repentance, acceptance and gratitude that makes this possible and anyone can do it, although it seems to be a 24/7 job and the pay is spotty. They call it cleaning, and a hundred cleaning tools are available, like pretzels and bazooka bubble gum and of course ice blue solar water that cleans everything. i know it sounds crazy
but anything radical enough to save mankind from losing his divine nature cant be business as usual, so when i say this is the nest of the full blown crazies, i mean that in a good way, it has to be here, in the nest, where the accepted reality is stretched thin that a breakthrough of the magnitude that is needed can happen.
the trick is to realize that all reactions, all feelings, all appearances that we see in others is actually all in our own experience arising from our own memories. the others are all divine beings, perfect, it is the replaying of these collective memories in ourselves that create the issues that arise. and these memories disconnect us from our own divinity. so when we read about a child molester, its ourselves that is the molester, the holder of the thoughts, the creator of the issue, not the person on tv or in the paper, or even your own brother in law. its the one having the experience. So if you remove the memories that are creating your reaction, that removes the problem for you and since we all share these memories, for everyone and all can be that much nearer the divine. it even removes the memories for the object of your experiencing.
the cleaning tools are straight out of a cargo cult in new guinea, m&m's , Life Savers (they save your life),Burrito, gold watch. its an eclectic collection of divinely inspired connections between the mundane articles of modern culture and the erasure of these stored memories cutting us off from seeing the divine within and without.
The inner child, unihipili, needs to be loved by the self , the uhane, the conscious mind, for it is the unihipili that talks directly to the divine through the father, aumakua, the superconscious self. So for the cleaning to work the individual must be in a perfect relationship with their inner child, the source of all intuition. this is the most important part of the work, to love thy inner self. who can argue with that?
and finally when you can find that point when you have cleaned down to the rock bottom, and believe me, you begin to realize that it is like the depth of the very earth itself, then you will experience the open pathway to the divine and can experience finally the natural divine inspiration that is the meaning of our existence. no small task, its described as tedious and continuous work, but the results are for everyone everywhere and for each self that can do such lofty work.
Imagine a hundred years from now, the ho oponopono has become part of daily life and cleaning has progressed to where all the memories are gone, only the immediate reactions are collected and every human is seeing the other as who they truly are, not a reaction to memories but as the shining connection to the divine. It is something this simple that the world needs, the divine inspiration of one Hawaiian spreading throughout the world. Clean that thought.

catching up

where does it start, the end is clear enough but where does all this come from. I awake at 3:30 am and the room is bright with the candle that has been burning for days and nights. i am not supple or young but i rise with some dignity in my underwear and strike a sleep sotted stance for my morning stretches. without stopping to think my neck rolls and i hearthe crunching of the bones and the fine ligaments stretching across them. the weight of my body has diminished by 17% and my waist by 12%. the daily reduction of calories and the 4 mile walk has continued without pause and the practice has been elevated returning to its fever pitch of months ago.
let me review briefly what has happenned.
april 6 - the retreat at Galilee begins
april 12- the retreat ends and i begin
may - unending expansion and realizations
june 2 - the contraction begins
june 5 - weekend retreat in Boulder the expansion returns - Samadhi
june 7 - kundalini explosion
july 12 - forces of contraction dominate
june 15 - week in olympia with my two best friends S and S
june 20 - weekend in Seattle - kathlen and Mary from Galilee are there
june 21 - trip to india is required come december january
june 23 - return to SD - a week of waking samadhi indefinable happiness
july 4 - consider my life connect with my family
july 8 - register for the ho oponopono course
july 16 - weekend retreat in SF
july 19 - full samadhi - unbelivable energy
july 20 - kundalini uprising
july 21 - overcome the forces of contraction
july 22 - india booked - dec 28 feb 3
july 23 - catching up

the little time i imagine is extended without rnd, all days become one, all lives are living now, all my dreams are awoken and revealing themselves. The first thing to awaken in me is my love for the divine, her and his combined in that which never was but always is and never will be. the truth lives in me like a fire that does not burn but lights the way to in all darkness. its not a truth of words for there is none it is a truth of being, the settlement of divine in this form. i see skin and muscle and veins and even bone lightly covered, but i experience unending awareness that has no touchpoint in this body. i live in the form but not of the form, i am deep in my austerity now, now thjat i know what i am truly about, the renunciation the giving up of all the things i have claimed as mine.i give them freely to the world from which they were created and in which they will be destroyed. I take only the awareness and the letting go as i move beyond the shadow of my existence.for where i have been is in the lightless regions and the covered places where light is seen as a product of man and not the one realization of the divines entry into the human senses. light as the tool for seeing where to put my feet and hands so i ndont lose anything, dont relinquish what is my due as human and man. but as the spirit of my incarnation light is my breath and food, my water and wine. the light fills that which was emptied again and again, for every bit of the divine in the human form is relinquished as we take our pleasures unceasing and drink the blood we share and take without question. all hope is cast into fortunes pot and stirred with the paddle of fear, all men are the tools of karma and the fools of paasion where lust is the desire we fear to resist. let madness be the wanting of all that we cannot have and the rejection of all that is ours.
i wake up from this moment and am in the same instant returned to the moment i have always been in, the love the fruited being the souls dominion of now and forever, awaiting nothing and extremely pleased with all that is brought and taken.nothing is here and emptiness fills the endless caverns of awareness. in my smallest understandings i am centuries of realizations lost and unending experiences done left only in a point beyond calculating where this faith holds me, individualized constraining the openings expanding the being until there is only space and wishing time would begin where all things start and the waterfall pushes the river to the cliff of forgeting and the ride starts all over again.
i ponder my state, the point of me being to experience that which i am and who i am, since that is what i do. and i know i am the divine in human form experiencing the divine in all forms and within me is that connection to that which is infinitely expanding andnever ending and i see myself across universes unknown and then as the very destroyer of all that i can possibly comprehend, and from all of that i can only have faith for what am i but this tip of the experiencer dangling in some awkward setting filled with the dread of failing at what i cannot understand or even conceive of, and where is this fear come from but from not being that which i am and not knowing why ia ma here until i connect to the force that is within and without and fills me withy mothers milk that comes from some divine buddha cow that suckles me until i cannot help but explode in complete desire for that which i am become. as the little man i am done and as the divine i am begun, yet where would that beginning be, i become that which is truth and has nothing to define its course or its satisfaction. i left the way of my feet and found the footsteps of my heart, and now fly on wings of faith where the leather of my knowing held me back.

restless

sins of the virtuous and the lies of the truthful
all things come to the last of the departing for those that have gone before have fallen and left all behind for the rest
where there is trouble there is nothing but fortunes promise
and every restless pilgrim becomes the last of the chosen and the first to sacrifice everything for a promise never given
the sky falls but none are there to catch it
and history winds its way back to where it starts
unliving the dreams of every soul ever conceived
and left ragged for the scavengers of time
the plenty is given to those who have no desires
and all is awaiting those that never come.

artwork of existence

overtaken by the circumstances of being immersed in the force of expanded consciousness, the self recedes allowing the inner nature to expand unchecked. thoughts become messages and intuition becomes the psychic untouched and alive. the truth of the existence is easily revealed and the state that is attained is perfection and unending grace. all moments are one, all faces are joyous truth, each minute detail is a perfect reflection of the purpose of existence. we share yet we are separate, the flow is unchecked yet discretely patterned to suit the unique nature of each soul and its ability to absorb and connect. where you have come from continues yet where you are going is never known except by discerning the telltale signs of the divine's meaning in everything you experience. life is love given fully and aliveness is the fruit of the body mated with the souls emergence. in every face the source is seen but not every human can see their own divinity. those that do shine from within where the universal consciousness comes forth to experience itself in such delicate constraint. here is the very artwork of existence, the flavor of the chef unknown before this instant and brought forth for every individual nature to savor and reflect upon. the integration of every experience and every reaction to all experiences and every truly creative instant of inspiration becomes the meaning that the universe inserts into each moment that comes and soon the very nature of reality is changed and is unknowable to the last. in this is life undetermined except through our unchecked and fevered desire to become that which we realize and invent and aspire to without heed for what others require.

Mother Love

the moment i awaken i am in love. there is a feeling of connection to my present universe. I feel the force flowing without end and with total love. Where i contemplate my meaning i find only the power to be filled with love from everywhere and in everything. I wondered about this amazing feeling, one i have carried from birth, one we all share whether we experience this or not. I was thinking the other day regarding the truth of my experience and how it has shaped my life for this has not been an easy or natural journey.
The wonderment began when i fell in love with my mother, and i loved her with all my heart and nothing could be more wonderful. I filled my universe with that love. But in return, i felt there was something else. a rejection, a criticism, a lack of love returning. I did not for an instant think there was anything wrong with the object of my love but rather that there was something wrong with me, and i strived to better myself to be what she needed in order that her love for me would be as great as my love for her.
I am sure you can see what this created. In every relationship, my love was surrender and full heart and without question, and in return, there was lack and distance and requirements, and i strived always believing the fault the distortion the lack was mine. Never did i suspect that my love was unique that others did not naturally experience this feeling of unconditional love for others. and i went on and on in life twisting and judging and wondering what was wrong with me.
this is the issue, some people are amazing lovers all the time and if they do not connect with a sympathetic soul a like kindred lover, they will not realize what a gift they have and it will be turned against them as they try and try to perfect that which is already perfect.
as i became older and started to become bitter and hopeless about love and definitely angry, it occurred to me to just love myself, to turn this perfect power to one i knew was perfectly capable of receiving and giving this force. as i turned to myself, i found myself revealing that which is divine in me for the divine force of love washes away all falsehood and leaves only that which is true. as that became my nature, love found me, a perfect lover a divine soul, who like me, woke up every day in love, and knew only unconditional surrender to that which is perfect within each of us. and in these last 10 years only pure love has flowed from me and while i had to learn the true divine nature of my self by having the human destroyed painfully, i am forever thankful and am now beyond the attachments and fully devoured for only love survives the pain.

pray for me

i find the torture of the soul exquisite and the pain of the madness divine
where is the truth hidden
and in what strongbox held
life meets me and then triumphs as a man would a child
all is folly to the seamstress as she waits for me
and i in torn rainments swallow my pride and beg for the protection of cloth
lust be gone and may universal light enter all meaning here
the world is turned so that none may see its true face and the rest of life is simply false
next to oceans are lands end and where the two begin
i find only touching
the love flows from the erosion and absorption of all reality into matter dissipated and absorbed into endless form
the drink becomes the matter of existence and the food
the passage of the meaning for existing
pray for me in this hour for
i see the damage i have done for love and the freedoms lost for trying where there was nothing to do
take solace from me and leave nothing but the stone sitting exposed to wind and sun and freezing nights for this too shall be cracked and spoken of as if there were meaning and intelligence and drama.
each insect has the will and every cell the meaning but what purpose man but to know and become that which he cannot conceive in this minute so there it must end
except in the madness coming
but yet the next second there is hope and that too shall not help or even damage what cannot be stopped
as long as the tribe returns each summer to the solstice stone and the prayers never ending
continue

pains end

pain, the universal, the essence of our existence we are told, the misery of attachments. the attachment to attachments. all is undone when we see the unending necessity of the play and the passion that is the seed of all we hold dear, the fruits of our desires. for what could be beyond that, in the next realm of no attachments, the recluse, the aesthetic, the penitent, none of these is the truth. that which is, is that which we are. the being beyond the vital, the mental, the whole experience that never ends and never devours that which is its source.we tremble with our feelings, what could ever replace that, trembling with divine acceptance, filled with the perfect inspiration that is not man made.responsibilities only for the providence of the spirit, that all things celestial are what we are here for, that everything in our lives knows that is what our purpose is and we are supported every step of the path, unending, always pefectly and always without question.

universal mind

awakened in this body i came to realize, i had actually fallen asleep. for what i knew as myself was only the fraction of me that knew nothing.the rest was yet to be found. as i grew i knew, i felt, i sensed the rest, as if from a great distance, i imagined myself to be in some far distant galaxie from the truth, existing alone and without any recourse to that which i sensed was truly my reality. The world suffered and so did i, knowing was never close enough, i needed to be that whatever the cost. i slipped into the suit of self as natural as a magpie in a murder of crows, there was a likeness but never the feathers matched.the mind trembled at the thought that there was a higher reality awaiting me. i was walking in the refuge and realized i was becoming conscious in my body, conscious of all that i am and all that i possess. in me there is the engine of being fully coordinating every cell every process, every neuron and ferreoultube of awareness to regulate this body perfectly, to create health and regeneration for all the damage done and all the fear of my mind throughout my life.
there is the truth, the self that is in charge and beyond that the self that is always connected to every subtle body and every force and energy in the universe, synchronized and merged everlasting to this body of flesh, the form through which the transformation of matter and light takes place. inside this brain the billions of connections are firing beyond measure connecting to every impulse of creation and nothing ever stops. the only difference is the function of the "conscious" mind, which is the unconsciousness that has afflicted me all my life. in every neuron there is the 1% reserved for the actions of the conscious mind, the space and time keeper, the telemetric memory box that is supposed to keep me from walking off cliffs and getting burned in a wildfire. its supposed to click on when the body feels threatened, the fight or flight syndrome, and then shut off once the danger is gone, but now i realize it never shuts off, the mind begins to create the environment where the fear never stops and it never shuts down, so we only experience its amazing stupidity, instead of our amazing universal consciousness, hidden in the other 99% of the neural explosions occurring without end.
the whole trick to enlightenment is to shut off the nagging "conscious" mind and let the connection to the true self exist. As soon as the mind shuts down, the opening begins, the connection is instantaneous, we have trouble realizing its that easy, as soon as the mind starts back up it invalidates the experience, trust the soul the heart, never the mind. the secret of all the yogis all the holy men, the witch doctors and miracle workers, connect to the silent mind, connect to the universal awareness waiting inside. nothing else is needed but to trust that part of yourself to care for you as it has continuously since you were a zygote, and it will heal and regenerate everything, just let the idiot mind go, and find the true source of your life, the one right here right now, just 1% of a neuron away from you, one thought from being here now.

belfried domes

last festers gloom of maidens votive enjoiced and deeded
with clamored praises heartened slumbers taken nown
dread supplicant renounce come dangered warries
let dinning clamor unloose wit maddened tellings
of kinds place unmentioned fare repast
treat crux of foundings restless waiting
sleeps harpings quiet near fearsome painted dwells
neath candles set twixt cupboards rulings
left sextants parlor crouched near grounding fires bore
scents plied withering airs in downy wools suborn
crossly tapping plunders onto kiltering meadows cove
granted willful foundlings thar fell camps hurried
past barrows deepened wares compose
come flaxen twinkle pixied passions
readly pricks entreat with buckled console given
mated ardors wafting heavens ford in fevered contest
justly warted flighting kinsfolks under mooning swards
desperate congeries convoke ruddy mantlings
all come timbered fen lain dune and drawn
midst sated peats ere belfried domes consort

heavenly down

wingless morning arise and tiptoe into scarlet
befuddle evens darkful patter fore the light
when christened dome pinch chillburned sky
lest easterly's riposte unnaturally found
without herons wing alight and pressed heavenly down
skit camper reckless windings fled canvas bound
where flame and rock sunder murkled storms confers
wake skyward petalled campus blooms drips elixir borne
seek everward defiles obsidian's crowned glories
with unspeakable midwifery of radiance loosed
triumphant bastions breached morn's desperate lair
held funnels piercing legions unslept quarters dare
now candles ends requires far clambering wintered's prose
come flushing fecksome slumbers past godsakens compose
end postulated happenstance lest ordain repose no more

wakened knowing

i am feeling the samadhi
its trembling within
all is frozen in liquid love
my heart is one beat of loves divine being
forever giving
forever filling
letting go
letting more love go further and further
endless reaching
here always being
always wonderfully flying into the heart of the sun
stillness beyond motion endlessly
this moment exists within us always
pure
complete
growing
silent
deeply transcendent
purple waves of supreme manifestation
indelible meaning unspoken
wheels of karma still
wonder overtaken by presence
light within white
planets connecting
galaxies awakened
universe constant unending
whisper of supreme silence descending
there sparkling infinite is formed
pressed wondrous to the unmade perfection
unmade from beyond the form
light saturates behind the glowing wakened knowing
there emptiness is finally overcome
and pale centuries unknown become
no meteors of persuasion but felt mated fantasy entreat
lidded mansions herald forgotten before the timelessness detour
under held sequestered pilgrimages taken lightly from heavens ford
rivers filled with man made gods devotion plentied and ignored
with emptied hearts and fulcrums filled from minds harvested and cold
winters done and formidable pleasures untold devoured by one soul
until the emptiness sharp and quickly broken took even that apart from his only hand
left empty once and only woman made him whole
where mothers breast swayed from cheek to toe and played loving before the mind took hold
the mansions dim become the fortress told
play fright and fear and touch and part never leaving but in grace and understanding nothing but the emptiness fulfilled
young is old and the mighty bold forgiven for there being is filled without questioning
only having is the treat the desire makes going stay near
whisper the words i never heard before the horns of meaning play
for i fear the sounds will never end this emptiness i hear
and in the sound completely missing there is a melody i play without a sound or thought or feeling everywhere i hear
a manbeast pride of solitude leaving without a care for meal or friend or living
all known is come and all meant undone where rivers of the sky full of stars unbidden fly
and i alone in every place i have ever found myself erupt
in flames of purpose given and reunited with living in mansions filled and freedom taken
let understanding wither as poppies flame and further kneeling surrender
surrender
ungiven
unknowing
repeating ever more
in love and loving thee always and eternally devoted to thee and thine pure being

india

is there an energy that comes when the indecision ends, when the motivation takes over and its just things to get done. I think so. i feel it in me already. once you move in the direction you decide to then the flow starts, it never waits once the channel is opened. Perhaps that is where this hiatus has come from, as even i knew i needed to take the next steps. the lightfooted dance of the undetermined does nothing to proceed, its when the foot falls straight and onward that there is a crash of energies that wait for nothing and start to align the life that everyone will see. the choice is the new creation, the new dimension, the twisting of parallel lines into an unmanageable new shape that has no beginning or end only some unspeakable beauty of the soul in bliss. I have a wonder of what will be as i only see the barest outline now. a new paradigm, structure of light and magic unbound by mans baser forms. and at the beginning, i see the shores of india, as everyone has predicted, and after that the air is empty of signs for this incarnation as the next is already in the cocoon. the heart leaps and sinks alternately with joy and fear happiness and horror for what is to come and which can no longer be denied. I will leave everyone behind and spend my days in the toil of my souls fruition and no longer the dollar and the sense of life. if there is no net then the ground will catch me and have the soul i can no longer use, but if there is no end to the expansion then the universe is mine and more.

letter to myself

you use the word telepathic and truly that is my experience too. Not that i know what people are thinking but that i have a closeness to them once established. with you i feel we did establish that during the years of playing music. nothing is more telepathic and empathic than sharing minds and emotions. My state right now is in some turmoil. My brother, my spiritual teacher, has told me i must leave my family and go to india. This of course has many consequences in the material world. loss of job, benefits, probably the house. and the effect on my wife and daughter is also hard, they would be left to fend for themselves and i have done little to prepare them for that. On one hand i have the usual feeling of the joy to leave all these things and relationships behind and strike out on a new road, down further now my spiritual path, on the other i have all the dread of casting away my ordained duties and forfeiting my responsibilities to home and kin. what must this world be that is all misery and pain where men would lift themselves to strike what is love in their hearts and freedom for their spirits. i found a wonderful method for relieving the suffering in others, ho' oponopono, now i must find if it relieves the suffering in me. taken as a step in my spiritual evolution and as even the likely progress without that as motivation, the truth is clear, my life is about more than any things or relationships here on this planet. soon i will be stepping forth as alone as a human can be into the world of the afterlife, the sleepless dreamstate of death, where will any of this be for me then. so if then , why not now, as i have only myself as spirit in a body to gain. I wonder why i would tell this all to you, but perhaps because i know you have similar experiences in your life and i am seeing the matching pictures. I reach out to you not from the past but from the moment and where we touch is always now.
love peace and happiness arent so bad after all,

man

tastes of sweetness unknown before
new sources of sugars divinely sent for me
where is my fruited concubine that we might envelope this sweet taste
together
there is the fall of every man
the nectar of woman
and in his fall is the ascendance of her being
the life of the mother
the holy being unturned
complete with child
grown to be another man

fearsome

i fought the crusades for my family and church
the wars never ended until i was forgotten
by the time it was over so was i
i spent a long time finding the wonders
of the land i was sent to destroy
the broken shards of beautiful pots
fired in kilns of masterful design,
now in pieces and crushed into the sand
where there were mosques and minarets
now the sky through jagged holes opens
leaving no doubt who was the mightiest
and the most fearsome
so now i search for the spices i have become addicted to
and the coffee beans of such intense delight
and where the plants grew are
graveyards of the farmers and their families
i left so far behind

believing

playing is just believing
that everything is real
no matter if i just think it
or feel it would be nice
i can imagine a giraffe outside
and a tiger in the den
there can be a million cockatoos
waiting on the lawn
is it just ok this once or twice
to be lost in a dream of pure delight
can there be a reason not to believe
when its so much fun to just feel free

bird of paradise

is there still time for love
for faith and hope
for every possiblity to unfold
in lives worn down and emptied
will the universe take a breath
and let the rest of us catch up
before the bell rings
and the players all go home
where did it say the game was over
and how did it get to this point
without me
when is it my turn at the plate
to swing away without restraint
and find the multicolored bird of paradise
singing my favorite song

never knew

tenderness untouched and simple
one finger holds the rest
one person supports the world
one heart loves everyone
before you can take a breath
the universe turns on its center
and faces the lovers intimacy
expressing everything
without a word
simple people
change the world
loving hearts
remove all doubt
unquestioned faith moves you
into the life you never knew
you lived in
but always knew existed

beloved

transfixed i realize my self is here
with me in this instant holding me
where before there was only love
now there is the beloved
the unexpected truth
of my self

filled

found singing the rain falling
when some child stops to watch the squirrels
and she is beautiful for me to be there
with every step of her heart the earth sings
water falls and running is such bliss
into shops and corners and shiplined piers
filled to fullness
and taken to streets unexplored
until she turns to me suddenly
and says i love you for everything
you could have done
and didnt

truth leaves

i find myself alive in a moment of confusion
restrained from myself by circumstances i expected
but chose to forget
i blame others and myself
but the truth leaves me
and i know my emptiness is real
and cannot even believe
whenever i search i find something
but treat it as chance
not fortune
i take a walk and hear footsteps
and am overtaken with her smell
the delight of her eyes and hair
and suffer the pain i create
what would be the purpose for my fall
from such high places i cannot recall
or even believe it exists anymore
the truth is relatve to the mind that experiences it
only the heart can truly feel
what the reality is
when everything is false

no memory

strange the days that capture me
i wander unthinking until i strike a wall
and then there is my reality
the weak force surmounting the unyeilding structure
however i do this it is remembered
and forgotten like all the times before
the memories are empty
they hold nothing of this moment
they haunt the wilds until i weaken and call them to me
what if and when and why now am i possessed
the truth has no memory
no fruit of the harvest
no ripening or flowers
only the dead and the gathering of mourners
for the passing never ends
and the wailing of the women grows wearisome

only

what would i cast out that is not mine
where would i flee from that is not here
why do i question others when i am the only one
the truth stares at me without blinking
i am alone and screaming into the emptiness
if there would be another who would i be
the other
the only other
the undefined
in hearts of midnight i am darkness
in rays of dawn i am light
i think i am alone
unnoticed except by you
yet you are never there
except when i am

seattle weekend bliss

the simple splendor of the soul, the sanctuary of the heart, i am in the bliss again, the bear-in-the-honey is fat. its a life worth living as the days drift between my love and my brother and all things are found loving. I have reconnected with two of the brightest lights of the galilee retreat kathleen and mary, my loving treat-mates. Kathleen whos eyes are as big as saucers and mary with the elfin light and child. both are giving me so much love i am in heaven. We have spent the weekend in seattle for a weekend program with siddhartha. Its at Chucks house, overlooking the waters of the puget sound. he has shooed away his 2 boys and his dogs to accommodate this rag tag bunch of idolaters and madmen for the weekend. Simi and i rode with siddhartha from olympia to chucks house through the madness of the seattle traffic, luckily finding the express road open as we go subterranean through the thx1138 tiled tunnels past all the crazies. we find an open starbucks near the house for we have arrived an hour early and siddhartha needs his fix. sims and i sit and drink water in the surging crowds even though on this 4 way intersection there are starbucks on two of the corners. we brave two cross the busy intersection at 100th ave and search the nearby QVC food store for sourdough and raisin bread. we find the sourdough but no raisin, amazing. we wander over to the drug store and get some tissues and toothpaste and finally back at the starbucks we find siddhartha ready to go. The house is a beauty tucked into a small gravelled alley, with many floors and balconies overlooking the water and the distant tree covered inlets of the sound. Chuck is eternally casual and gracious with us and is so open about his life, his heart, his experiences, we are all put at ease and each one of us in our own bedrooms. The first two days in olympia were good, the time with siddhartha and the meditations and wonderful time with my love walking and talking like our hearts always do.on friday, siddhartha and my love had a session for hours , and when they came out, siddhartha told me she needs nothing but to come into her power and her attainment fully, all is in place and there is nothing left to do. she does not have to meditate with us and she will stay with Gail 20 minutes away while i will remain here to work with siddhartha.
I was suddenly sad. i felt i had lost her somehow, or had been left behind again. the world took a blue tone and she went for a walk as i was to sit with siddhartha for a hour meditation.the sitting was mostly a jumble of feelings and thoughts, hating siddhartha and missing my love. there was no place for my heart to go and no depth of force to remove me from my reveries.
Later my love returned and we sat and talked and i cried as a little boy would who had lost his mother, and she told me to never think we would be apart or that she was anywhere but with me. my ascendancy is set and my attainment more pure and noble for all my love and selfless efforts but nothing could pull me from my mood. i was glad for the sleepless night alone on the floor and i knew i would be moving to my next guna soon.
the morning was a 2 hour meditation, just myself with siddhartha and the depth of the force took away my mood and i felt the rising of the kundalini. after the meditation, again a two hour meditation that seemed to zoom along without hurry. my love and i talked an i was more upbeat more into a sort of mad phase and felt the unfairness of the representation of my work and all i have done and i soon realized i was too deep in the soup to be even talking like this. i was experiencing the movie on the screen, rather than the screen, the experience rather than the experiencer. then there was the walk through the puget park where the large wooden steps and the hills and the lake of salt water and thousands of trees and plants and birds raised me up and away even as my love and i struggled to keep up with siddhartha for the hour and ten minute walk that became a hike. exhausted we showered and packed and prepared for our trip to seattle.
Chucks home is a dream of love and a man cave for him and his two sons and all their friends. But he has cleaned everything in preparation of the weekend. the first night i am reunited with Kathleen and mary, both as beautiful as love itself and with mary is her sone just as beautiful and with long long ringlets of auburn hair on his 9 year old head.and his is her face on a young boy full of the pink of life. many people come and all listen raptly to siddarthas long dissertation on the path of the seeker and the work of the SAT. then there is only time for a twenty minute meditation where i am so deep in the well of the being and then suddenly i am drawn up by the ringing bell. The energy is running so strong in me, i feel the 4th burning with it. When its time to sleep after much talking and goodbyes, i have no sleep, just awakened dreams of islands and children being murdered and my band of commandos seeking out the robots of death and saving the children. 4 am comes and i am up coffeed and toasted, off for a quick walk around the cloud covered neighborhood where plants grow in gigantic profusion and with great delicacy and taste. the morning meditation brings back mary and kathleen at 6am. we all go deep and are hurried through two hours of pure force. we breakfast on stone cut oatmeal and fruits. we are a happy bunch.

the madness

what stupidity is man, his effrontery to grace and seduction of the naive. i sit in one of my three states sad, mad, glad. yesterday, It is the infant crying, today it is the angry child, i am sick of this, where have i gone to be back to this.is there some magic reversal water i am drinking? i look and see only things not divine. i have no special talents, i cannot hear what others tell me are my accomplishments, i am the death of me. what i am is incomplete, i have said that many times, there is only one who completes that part of me and she is here but i am not. so where have i gone. i sit in the silence i feel the energy, i experience that physical sensation of the sat entering, but there is nothing more. after the sitting i feel the same. how is this getting me where i need to be. endure calmly, hahaha. well its a fine laugh on me that i could feel so high for so long and be so filled with the truth and the light and then come to this again. i feel i need to just depart this land go away on my own and see if i rise up or self destruct. if its not in me i want to know it. the work i do is not important, the lives i touch i have pushed away enough tha they will only remember me dully. i think the time is come to make the break. maybe the big island, maybe just the road. not an escape but a plunge into the truth of me. who am i maybe that is still the question, still the answer seems to change as i go day to day and that makes no sense, for if i am truly the center the everything realized there is nothing else to experience and that should be the truth of me. why are there even questions except that i live a life that is not of this one and it is separating me more and More even as i move deeper and deeper into my meaning. i cannot have that now for everyday of separation is like death for me.if i cannot resolve this soon then the real death will come for me. i now i sound like a bitter child but if that is what i am than i must be that as well. take this week to find out if there is something i can move, shift, insert, remove, twist or untwist. all or none. i have spent my life taking half measures to be sure that others are taken care of and i am always living someone elses life to make up for mine. i have brought the light but have stayed in the shadows except for the twice i have been in the very heart of the fire, and the first time i nearly did die, this time i am feeling the mini dieing and it scares me. no one knows how close it came the first time and how long i drew out the ordeal and the damage. this time it will be swift for i have no patience left or hope of another chance.

moment

i am filled with the tears of ananda
in every face there is love
in every word i have written
there is realization and attainment
in every beat of my heart
the universe lives
i am made of this moment
and the love that permeates everything
is made of me

im sorry, i love you

im sorry, i love you
in every soul is every soul
we are all connected to everything everywhere
once we realize this
we become that which is the god we have sought
speak to the air to the flowers to the trees just as you would speak to your lover
let nothing be a stranger
be every moment renewed
the power is in transforming ourselves
this allows everything to transform

olympia of the trees

olympia, the mountain of the gods, the funkier than thou, street people and students, shops and ships everywhere and trees beyond believing, giant weaving green. when the wind blows the world is alive with trembling leaves moved by an invisible force and my heart flutters with them. the air is full of sea and the liquid permeates everything, everything is filled with the fluidity of life, the expression of the shifting of time and space to accommodate every souls aspiration. the love is in me but is expressed everywhere we go, surrounded by all i truly need the one soul that is my mate and the brother of my soul in harmony in this moment in shared communion with our beings as our bodies walk through the relaxed world of evergreen and washingtons capitol. i am moved to feel the life here the strength of our relations in this bowl of beings this soup of existence where every heart is a song and their voices heard. I feel the chill in this june air and the recent rain on the sidewalks but we are dry and jacketed and shoed as unlike our lives in the south of california, here there is still the eves of the trees to create the damp and require the clouds to be, the very home of the trees and these the many hobbits to love among them. We partake a sandwich on the 5th ave and talk about the force and the universe and the powers of the beings carrying that on this planet. We are unadjusted, just flown in to seattle and chauffeured to olympia by my gracious brother and guru in his most funky honda, and to his center on legion amongst the most beautiful and majestic trees that line the avenue. Shopping at the Ralphs market that has nothing to do with the chain of stores and looking for candles and raisin bread. the day is moving into late afternoon swiftly and we gather in the meditation hall for an interaction with siddhartha. he swiftly explains the actions of the force and the source and the process in the body of the transformation and evolution of the consciousness to the 5th awareness which is bringing consciousness to matter from the connection to the self aware being. then it is time for evening meditation. 2 hours with the SAT. i immediately feel the force bubbling in my fourth chakra and soon it is like a mix-master at high speed churning me, after the first hour it settles into my lower forth and i begin to feel a definite shape, a purpose for its locale. It has taken the exact shape of my liver and for an hour its is bubbling and churning and exciting every cell in my liver to expand and regenerate and heal. i can feel the wonderful awareness that is directing this and sending me the healing that i need to move on. the 2 hours pass like minutes and we are done for the evening. I have a cup of soup and some decaf and settle to my bed in the meditation hall and swiftly fall to sleep.
the morning comes at 12:30 as siddhartha prepares his dinner and i wake momentarily to the sound of chopping salad fixings. i roll over after a glance at my clock and sleep until 4am when i get up have my morning pills and amino acids and raisin toast and decaf and prepare for the 5am meditation. The morning force is sweet and gracious coming swiftly to me i feel like i am in another world, far distant from this one, totally disconnected from the world of humans, its a magical place without thought or reason and there is a visible barrier between it and the other world. I suddenly sense everything returns and i am in my body in the mediation hall and i feel a little disappointed as i was loving this new world i was in and just that quick it is gone. but the energy is humming sweetly through me filling me with a honey of experience that i love also and i settle in as the 2 hours again pass smoothly. after we are done ands siddhartha retreats to his room i have my shower and then a nother cup of decaf. I decide to walk and she comes with me as perfect as an angel can be and we walk to the park with the lake and the wind is chill and the clouds blustery and she says it looks like it could rain any time, and we see all these walkers and joggers many in only t shirts some in shorts and we are bundled bravely in the cold when suddenly the drops begin and the weathermen are wrong and we run to a small folk art store and wander amongst the many offerings from nepal and india and pakistan and mexico and places too numerous to mention. then its out and down the pier where many funky and nice boats and houseboats are moored and only an old power cruiser from the 1920's is moving through the water. we wander a while then up the streets to the shops and explore the healing and scrap booking shops before heading back, fully 2 and a half hours we walk when 2 blocks from the center the rain begins again and in earnest. we arrive and siddhartha is preparing for his bike ride and i settle down my stomach feeling queasy for unknown reasons but here are many possibilities.

kundalini Samadhi

Finally returned to work, the doors of my cell wide and inviting as broken glass ground into my eyeballs. I have no thoughts except for my attainment and here there is little left. the retreat still rings in my heart and soul like the bells of the church by the lake pealed the coming of the SAT.I have to think to put together all the changes that have occurred since last thursday when i was whisked away to my date with the divine. The only hiccup the wandering in the giant tent of denver international as my beleaguered brother attempted time and time again to find me at the passenger pickup where i was never to be found, having gone 3 times to the wrong floor and wrong disbursement points. but finally i was found and we both looked at one another for the first time since the last day of the week long retreat at lake tahoe. Siddhartha looked fit and with a smile in his eyes and who knows what i looked like. my story to him had been the fall from grace the loss of connection but not from unswerving belief and faith, still surrendered to the path but not in communion with the expansion that had gone on for 7 weeks until it mysteriously ended.yet nothing is forever and this existence is the leaf of the wintering tree expecting spring. where we are is in each others hearts and who we are is the collection of a million minds expressing love. the earth revolves around the enlightened beings and i am sitting close with one for the hour and a half to Boulder. The passage is interrupted to secure a smoothie for me and a decaf Americano and pastry for him and a quick stop at the store for supplies. The trip ends in the outlying gated community beyond Boulder and overlooking a beautiful lake and the miles of high plateau beyond. The talk is desultory and unnecessary we are partaking of our psychic bonds built over generations. the home is amazing and beautiful in every aspect inside with many Buddhas and spiritual accoutrement sprinkled throughout the rooms. we settle for a few hours and Siddhartha has a series of interactions with the local group, on of the group is my fellow cell mate from the retreat at Galilee and we hug and talk of the last 2 months since the retreat. Tonight there will be a gathering of the local group, mostly educators and professional psychologists that have been working together spiritually for the past 5 to 20 years. All gather and the talk is thick and heavy with meaning and insight Another fellow retreatee is there and he is under the scrutiny of the group for his personality has a second face of indifference to the love and entreaties of the other folks there who have warmly accepted him into their group. his world is dissected and examined and he is left to feel his true feelings and fears and there is a great reconnection and love is in the air. The 3 hours goes ny quickly and i am headed to my friends house in Boulder to sleep and return at 6am in the morning for meditation with Siddhartha. The night is warm and sultry, the air redolent with moisture and meaning. I sit up having toast and decaf with my retreat mate and here tomorrow , the retreat will begin in this house. I am feeling more connected than i have for a week but i have little expectation that this 2 day retreat could have as much meaning or power compared to the 6 day at Galilee. I wake at 4 am after falling to sleep at 12:30. I have the coffee and toast, raisin that i had brought in my suitcase. All is well in the world and i am taken by the immense clouds in the mile high sky that is the giant world of the high plateaus. The sun is just peaking over the distant flat horizon yellow and orange and pinks in the sky as we drive back to the other house for morning meditation. I am alive and feeling excited by the coming interactions and silent sittings that are soon to come.
Siddhartha ron and myself sit and close our eyes and in a few minutes the energy begins to flow, another person enters the living room and we are all transported to the world of the SAT and the high connection of the universe. two hours of this light yet powerful energy fill me and as we approach the last ten minutes i feel a concentration in my 3rd chakra and a sudden tiny point in the center explodes with a huge burst of energy through my body, and every cell suddenly explosively expands. I feel a widening and a lengthening of my being and as the meditation ends and Siddhartha leaves to do his singular process until the move to ron's house at one for more interactions and the evenings introduction to the silent retreat at 7pm. I am carrying some things to rons car when i am struck with a vertigo that is more than the lightness of oxygen deprivation and i tell ron i think i am going to stay here and meditate some more as i know something is going on in my system but i am not sure what will happen. I want to sit on tjhis beautiful porch overlooking the lake and enjoy the trees and birds and the vistas across the distant plateaus. I ask the lovely woman whose house this is, Tamar, if i may stay and she graciously permits me. I go to the porch and sit to begin meditation and i feel a fluttering in my stomach and a sudden lightness of my head i feel as well as see a brilliance of energies behind my eyelids that becomes a flood a tidal wave from every point of the universe into me ,the life force of the universe unstoppable and without end pours into me from everywhere around me. I see seas of flame and tunnels of fire beings of incredible light watching as i am transformed for 3 hours unmovable on the porch as the morning proceeds and in the house many people come and go and look in on me and do there normal business. I am beyond knowing or caring as everything that is mine from the universe is processed and everything else is integrated into who this being is becoming. i am unable to move for 3 hours my limbs leaden and my head lolling back and forth, tears streaming down my face in gratitude and joy. The morning is past and the afternoon begun by the time my brother emerges from the room preparing for the journey to Ron's house. he prepares his lunch and i have a small salad with him and we talk on the porch and i describe the details of my experience. He tell me i am having a Samadhi and this is very important. I am getting prepared for things to come. The drive to rons house i quiet and he takes me by the new center for the Boulder group,available in a month, on 33 acres a house with a bottom floor that is a separate office conference room and storage all with separate facilities and phones and electrical. The roads are rough and the surrounding land is all empty space just recently purchased by the city to preserve the open areas.
the evening is come and the light of the day is still hot and humid. we set up the meeting room and prepare the living room for the next days meditations. The group for the meeting the introduction is 12 souls, ready for transport. Siddhartha is the master of ceremonies, a humble figure seated in everyday clothes explaining the process of the silent sitting and the satchitananda. The evening grows long with the questions and answers as Siddhartha expertly weaves through the mental gymnastics of the psycho linguists.
finally at 11 pm with a 6am start time tomorrow the group disbands and i head for my quiet room next to Siddhartha's. the night is filled with moonlight and trains moaning through the streets of boulder.
the morning is raisin toast and coffee and a few moments of peace outside watching the distant sunrise filling the floating aquarium of the sky where whipped water is cotton candy floating through the open spaces of the air.
the first meditation is long and filled with the SAT. i feel the energy running and have some wonderful moments of connection to the being, unconscious and conscious. we finish and the many hands go tot he kitchen to help prepare the breakfast buffet. I take to the many paths from the back porch all through and around boulder. The many ways split here and there and i end up on a small path that cuts through a creek and shady glens of heavy trees and chipmunks crying. i feel a presence behind me tracking me looking over my shoulder. I feel an anxious buzzing in my stomach and am glad i did not eat with the rest. I arrive at the back porch and sit myself under the umbrella at the outdoor table. I am immediately overwhelmed with a powerful force, my limbs rooted to the chair and porch, full energy running through me with rolls and rolls of waves of flow pulsing. I feel a huge pulse of energy in my 4th chakra and the bubbling sensations of intense ananda flows.i am filled with the visions of communion and connection with the forces of the universe and my heart is singing in harmony with everything. for 2 hours i am in the flow and my heart is exploding. I emerge just in time to return for the second silent sitting. the afternoon is full of the quiet and i go in and out of consciousness with the force. The lunch i spend walking more and integrating the experience in my body. At 4 is the final sitting and i am exhausted but exhilarated and feel the energy slowing in me. settling. i end the day glad to be finished but wondering of the many changes i am going through. the night is full of emergent feelings, i feel afraid of my destiny and having the cold feet of the divine for my slowly developing futures. I spend the night talking with my brother about my future and he promises me that we will reach the goal and nothing will prevent this. In the morning the group again gathers for the silent sitting at 6am and the dawn is electric. the sky is filled with sunlight and the room bright and warm. The meditation is filled with energy running and moving legs. when i am finished i leave immediately for a walk as i feel filled with energy like the rajas is coming on strong. I walk and take a new turn and soon am turned round and unsituated. I am signed up to help with the cleanup after lunch and am hurrying to get back. i go one way then the other and finally find the fence and the gate that leads to the forested cove where the bike path returning to the house is and i am soon back. I arrive to find all the work done and everyone smiling as i settle down have a snack and suddenly feel the energy hitting my stomach like a load of adrenaline and i decide i will sit upstairs in my room if i am going once more into samadhi. As soon as i get to my room and sit i feel this burning sensation in my lower back and my breath is getting ragged and my stocmsch is doing flip flops on the pineapple slices and toast i had for lunch. i feel the energy in me building and the heat of my back increasing and then like a shaft of pure force the energy from my lower back pushes up and suffuses through my spinal column and chakras then it explodes up into my head and i feel the inside of my head filled with solid pressure and it feels like wild animals are running round and round in my head pushing and shoving against my swelling brain case. then the energy pours out my 7th like a roman candle. I am transfixed with the sudden energy my eyes are bugging out of my head and the body is in full locomotion, i have to move to think unstopping to breathe hard to feel the blood and energy mixing in me like champagne bubblinbg over i am filled with unending expanding energy and i am running in circles around the room. i try to sit to lay down to do anything but my skin is coming off with the stretching of my muscles. for 90 minutes i am unable to stop i am on my knees crawling the energy is so powerful. I crawl through the connecting bathroom and knock on my brothers door. He answers, with a quizzical smile looking down at me in my semi panicked state and i utter a single word, kundalini, my voice desperate. He feels my head and back then takes a cold washrag and soaks my head down, then he motions me to lay down and try to sleep. I cant believe what he is saying sleep, i am bursting out of my skin how could i sleep, but i lay down and try to just relax and i find in about ten inutes i am almost resting with the energy thrumming through me. by the 11am time i am almost feeling under control. I go down with my brother to join the silent sitters. I am in heavy energy and the entire 2 hours finding the world a small traverse from my vista atop the mountain of kundalini.