one eyed

the loosed serpent spent
the strike deadly and done
none are left
but the eyes maintain
their deadly vigilance
hung like flags defeated
the last bell mourns
this too lost
but none to sound retreat
I am found alas
too late and
will never come running home
the sweetest kiss
the last i've ever known
from lips too long parted
my fevered wish
the emptiness
has found in me its truth
a falseness divinely started

where i go

the world turns on a rusty axis, wobbling and screeching through the silent orbit of the sun. the seasons come and go in unrefined majesty and leave their mark on the world. somewhere in that glory is the winter and the decline. the pulling back and holding under the soil, waiting for another possibility of spring. i am heads down and struggling, not alone but lonely, cut myself off from what i know is mine and what i need to continue, but also know there is more work to be done before its possible to progress. when everything depends on the smile and approval of others there is no true soul, just the joker and the joker cannot rule in his own kingdom. I am beautiful, happy and bad according to the wordsearch game, its true, and its time to weed out the undercover self destruction and sabotage that is undermining what i work so truthfully for. i am compelled to tell the truth now and the lies are my own eyes and soul ever cheating on the cross of my own crucifixion, even as the nails are driven i cannot admit the truth of my own crimes the sins of my own heart to take what is not mine and hold it as my own and the murder of the innocent that would only give me love. its not the world thats wrong but my own fear of being left behind that makes me act this way. if theres a lie its my hearts affection for the love of one who should never have to even question me and never does. there is my family and all her hearts and i the broken orphan she took in. what Dickensian pleasure i have taken watching my missteps and broken promises proliferate like cockroaches in my life.
it ends now or i will die. there is no other way let love be free of sin and deceit. let my soul be finally completely free of falseness and mistrust. I would walk alone with mothers hand in mine if she would have me from now on.

living matters

there is within us the supreme sacrifice. unconscious, we have surrendered ourselves to the separation from truth, from love, from unending bliss and peace. birth creates the transformation from pure spirit, being of unfettered light, to passenger of the flesh, child of the mothers womb. the light is outside of us, it pains the eyes, the air is filled with sharp odors and the flesh is cold and wet. the moment we exit the birth canal, we are overwhelmed with sensations and feelings, our innate nature of light and fullness is crumbled beneath the million separate experiences of endless change, every action creates a thousand reactions, every sensation releases new feelings and all of existence is the play of mismatched differences, light and dark, hot and cold, held and let go, then the hunger and filling and emptying, the seeing, touching, untouched and always the sense of being somewhere unknown, alone, missing something, the thoughts and dreams become feedings and washing and faces, faces with eyes and faces with feelings and there is fear and anger and desperate love.

the child is come to the world from a soul that has no limitations, no requirements, no sense of other. and all that is turned into the physical and mental restraints of the birth the world the evolution of this finite creation. even the most wondrous life is less, somehow missing the unfettered freedom of pure being, and in every action thought and feeling, we reach to recapture that, pure divine ecstasy, in a billion perversions, all the twisted reflections of the truth.

this life we are subject to the demands of living in bodies, being a finite grain of sand, a desire to be more than just meat on its way to slaughter. we reach for a vision of truth, joy, love, remembrance of the moments of transport to another plane of consciousness, a world not of worlds but beyond describing, and we fail, often and with great suffering. the misery is compounded by knowing that we are not alone. the world is in utter misery, for there is no way to connect to that which we were , only that which we want to be. and what is that? the dream of power, safety, money, love maybe? or just desire, losing oneself in the very flesh that entombs us.

this life is empty, all things are shadows of the real, there is no substance except to go from form to dissolution. as Einstein remarked as he watched the world he wanted so much to understand, energy is neither created or destroyed, and all matter is just a formulaic expression of that energy. we are that highly complex equations proof. and beyond that formula, we are the creators of the form, the wielders of the artists tool bringing forth the very world we suffer in. there is only energy in an uncertain state, waiting to be acted upon by another energy, an organizing principle, an unaware condition of the unconscious mind desperately acting upon the stuff of unspeakable desires. we impose our lusts and fears and desires, misdirected emotions are the blueprints for the world we create for ourselves. We wall ourselves into our tombs of despair, unable to see over the top to the truth, we are the architects of reality, that's the truth of why we are here. to experience the freedom of choosing and seeing our choices come to life and intersect with the universe of choices. each voice is a word that is made true in the stuff of energy transforming into matter. we bring the monsters and then fear our own creations, where love and peace have dominion, the fear underlies and corrupts, where despair and pain rule, miracles alight and saviors materialize. all the world is the garden of children's toys. and if all becomes too much and this world to painful, sweet divine brings us back and all is forgotten and undone.

its a game of existence, where the rules are made before we get here. the beginning and end, the forces at play that rule the physical and mental playing fields. Arjuna told Krishna, I cannot do this thing, for all that matters to me in this world will come to a horrible result, i cannot lift my sword. and Krishna laughed saying All are already dead by me, there is nothing you can do but act without fear and thus attain freedom from bondage of doership. There is no life or death for the being within, only unending truth, what the body experiences is not the being, but what we can know is that we are not this body. the flesh is the truth of this life, but not the next.

unexperienced suffering

what love awaits when suffering ends

this moment there is truth, all else is but shadows fading

I feel as though my ego is protecting me from fully experiencing the suffering

the self wraps around the trembling being within, preserving its fragile connection. what is it in you that wants to be dead?

the false self

fear

the truth permits no lies

what is coming is absolute and without reservation

all half measures and resistance are the inevitable failure of the untruth to survive

you already know your journeys end, there is no doubt that this life is over

do exactly what you are prompted to

let nothing else be your guide

Not the lie that keeps the pain in check, that stops the true feelings from being experienced

for the true seekers, the sattwa acts as the barrier to the truth, the complacency of static achievement

in truth it is the rajas that brings forth the lie and the pain

i have been experiencing tremendous ananda since the weekend, all my neutrality and separation have left me

i'm constantly experiencing this pain of separation

being around a certain person takes away this pain

so is the right action to avoid this person?

the right action is to completely surrender to that which is before you. do exactly as that requires and those actions will create the circumstances needed for your liberation.

plunge into the moment without regard for the consequences

no one can say what is right

only what is

where you feel the most love the most pull, that is your signal

but go fully, embrace it and know the mother is waiting for your surrender

let go your fear and weakness and offer that to her

release your sense of ego, that which wants to always be correct or safe or controlling, be weak and needy be brutally honest

we are all perverted and twisted by the lies

don't cling to their seeming rightness

instead be fully vulnerable to what is the truth that hides in you

the small the cowardly the weaknesses

let them come forward and see the light of awareness dispel all

they are the tools of the ego that work hidden and without revelation

releasing the hidden forces that compel our unconscious resistance, allows them to be overcome and the shield to drop

then the true light shatters all illusions

be the broken warrior, defeated by his own army of untruths

in defeat, there is the only path to freedom

i am in the very realm of wonder and unsanctioned joy to be here. my words come from some place unbidden, but i feel what is meant to be spoken is what i am writing. let your own heart guide you, all of us are here for you when you feel the pull to connect to us.

i love you my brother in flight

let the turkey vultures eat your flesh

it is their purpose and your divine truth to let even that go in this life

morning salutations

i waken, meaning i have slept and deeply. for the first time in many years the night is calm and pure with dreams rich and pungent. i float in unending waves of love and mothers arms wrapped tightly round me. when i awaken the air is whispering warm and silent. the night has not yet released the sky and the moon like the sister of dawn rests high in the purple morning. what breadth and power of life here on the mountain of love. as the darkness holds my rooms flickering candlelight, so does this body carry the burning truth of my aspiration, uncovered, let free to find the treasure of the divine. i don my well worn meditation clothes and tread lightly to mothers mandir, nearby the sleeping form of her present incarnation. Sitting i drill slowly through all my thoughts, each a tiny desire, each denoting the self's delusion of action and result, each the falsehood that must be released. it is some time before the retreating influences depart, and the slow sonorous hum of the divine energy awakens in my body. i float without place or time. the air thickens around my stillness. thoughts end, inseparable oneness surrenders to the supreme being within. utter silence, the substance of truth, pervades all. when i return, the morning is come, grey light has filled the dawn facing windows of the altar. i feel bathed in the essence of mothers truth, perform the actions required without thought of their result. be always in mothers fortress where truth never leaves and love protects. be weak and in doing so feel mothers strength fill you. i am in that radiance of her unrelenting sanctuary, to be here is a living joy, for nothing can overcome the brilliance of her perfection.

dream to be love

this is not a different day, same stuff, its all new all the time. when you go beyond mind, beyond desire, the truth is clear. the purpose is written on every cloud and rock, i hear it in the breeze and the birds song. the light carries the warmth of love, the sky fills with joy, boundless and immediate. sleep on pillows floating, transported to worlds beyond the senses. all is the order and power of the manifest consciousness, the pure awareness and truth of existence, the revelation of the unmanifest transmitted through Mothers divine being. we are hers to the infinitesimal forces binding our atoms to this form. let nothing be unrealized, we are the incomplete awareness, returning to the well of being to become drenched in the reality of existence. its is not understanding, but inner knowing that holds our fulfillment of purpose. the overwhelming truth is we are nothing, we are everything and we are becoming that which has no name or form yet exists everywhere without time. the finite life is just the entry point, the doorway waiting to be crossed and lost and forgotten in the expansion of our awareness. we are the drops of water falling from the sky, returning to the unending ocean of being. that which was born and waiting to end is now that which is infinite, without beginning or end, pure awareness and unending manifestation of the unmanifest source. the time to let go is now, the universe trembles at the dream of your liberation. the end of all suffering is the surrender of your fear, your separation, your weakness. beyond self is truth, beyond truth is manifesting divine consciousness. in each of us is the love that supports and protects us when we let go of the weight that holds us down and limits our awareness.Love is the supreme force of the universe that creates the beauty and bliss in every moment of divine creation, the power of awareness, the manifestation of its purpose and the joy of being divinely alive. follow your heart to the source of love, follow the love you know is there, bring it into your heart.

fireplace season

rain today, snow coming tomorrow. it seems like snow was just here, july 15th, august september, october just begun and we have snow again, the end of seasons is what it feels like, continual fall and winter with a brief spring and summer, here at 5500 ft, the sky is tranquil with the light rain spreading like a veil over the woodpile. i scrambled this morning before dawn to bring a weeks supply into the garage and then clumsily cover the rain slicked sprawling piles with a giant costco tarp. i feel the years on me as i clamber across the wet and unstacked wood trying to spread out the tarp around bushes and trees and teetering walls of chopped timber. my struggles earn me a few bruises and scrapes but no bleeding and for that i'm thankful. in fact i feel radiant and relaxed having accomplished even that much in my condition and i set down with a warm cup of morning coffee and enjoy the tranquil start of our long fireplace season.

life let go

its been a month since i have written, been fully crazed and departed. spent time away, injured, helpless and returned. something in me is releasing, smaller, less fearful now. but that is just how it feels, the truth has no way to be understood, it stands like the biggest tree n the forest and waits centuries, millenium for the witness. i cannot say i have been there but the forest is well trodden. here the light seeps in at dawn and the air is electric with the rise of the sun. i sit wondering is this the day? is this the long awaited return of the soul to truth and love, or just another life let go to long. i wait and time has no river no ocean no endless falling wonder like this heart seeking love.

blessed and cursed

leaving earth for a couple of days, 800 miles on the old 99, off to see the wizard, the man behind the curtain, pay no attention while driving. the world seems somehow trapped inside me. i cant shake the feeling that i am both blessed and cursed to know what is real and what is false. even as the world sends me roses, am forever bleeding on the thorns. whatever i am going through wouldnt wish on anyone else. there must be some easier and shorter route to nirvana. as i have only a few minutes let this be a lesson to you all, dont wish for anything, its all true.

This wondrous day

no face no name i seek that which is forever within me,the candle burns endlessly. where is my soul my being the truth that has no words, only perfection that is already everywhere. what eyes are these that see nothing and this knowing that is all. i touch my self and you appear, i reach for you and hold my own hand, life surrounds and confounds, wherever i go i never move from this awareness, whatever is before me is eternally present, I have manifested all I experience and let all of it go, keeping only that which serves me now, her words hold me and her arms teach me love, i have only her to serve through her form, her manifest being, this rose of all gardens, mother of Eden and Pondicherry, i am her child, lover, brother and father, all are hers and i am knowing only now what she has given to fill this emptiness i could not hold. in every minute there is her love divine and my blindness seeking what was never lost. and when that becomes my truth, i melt away becoming only love, realizing i am that channel of divine and such gratitude that would crush me in its infinite patience.

Sunday Samadhi

today journal begins confessing i can remember nothing from yesterday, the slate is cleared, wiped from all knowing. there was some heat and sprinkles from the humid clouds, pain in the knee from the climb up Mt Pinos, we had lunch early and life went on through dinner at 9:30, then reading and meditation until late, i could hear mother walking around as i lay unsleeping. this morning everything was beautiful, early heat, bird feeders filled, bird baths refreshed, a light toast and coffee then i settled down to meditate. immediately i felt the force and a strange emptiness filled me with nothing. i stared into the whirlpool of energy within and fell deeply through inner galaxies and vortexes and unbelievable states of energetic consciousness. the body froze and withered away, i felt the energetic being take control and huge waves of divine force swept through me and through the worlds around me. all was beyond knowing or feeling, i was gone only the being was present. hours passed unnoticed until finally i felt the claw stiffness of my form return and i fell to my side, unable to reason with the flesh as i reanimated into human consciousness. i lay for many minutes unbending the legs and arms, staring at the wall and ceiling. i stumbled forth to the porch where dark clouds and bright sun interacted to create oven like heat. I sat and drank in the delicious blast furnace and felt some life return. I stood immobile by the stove watching mother cook, unable to comprehend such movement, all life had dwindled to awareness without comprehension. i clomped lead footed through the house barely able to hold a glass of cold tea, returning to the porch and the heat of the day. all glory the kingdom of nirvana and the souls endless journey.

Journal begun

i think its time to journal my time here. its been a month since i started this journey to remain here while i heal. the days have been singularly hot to very warm, continuous sunshine and high altitudes. the sky is light at 5:30 and sets after 7:30, usually with unbelievable pink and orange light. yesterday was amazing, driving back from Lancaster towards the mountains wreathed in dark clouds, the sun slipped unseen beneath them and lit the sky with a pink light that overlaid the many colors of the dusk setting. what majesty in every days creation. we are lost in the love of the mother here and even this is her pronouncement of unending abundance to the very last ray of sunlight and the glimmering of the stars and galaxies deep in the wash of the milky way. yesterday on my daily walk up the chumash road, a couple of miles of gentle ascent, i found on my return two quartz white stones dense and powerful laying at the side of the road. they looked to be perfectly mated and waiting for me. i picked them up one in each hand and felt their stony vibration. these two have held the soul of the mountain for centuries and now have been set out for my needs. in these stones i could feel the coming of the thunder lizards and saber toothed tigers, mastodons and ice sheets that lasted for centuries. here the very heavens connected to the earth and man arose a child of the universe alone and supremely connected beyond the knowing of all other creatures. here the soul of creation danced and wept, made love and gave birth, fought and died without proof except that we are that child of the mother come to make our peace with love and sorrow. once we knew that there are souls in the earth and trees and sky, now we sit alone but for our faith, blind and deaf to the world and spirits surrounding us. where these crystals once sat fused by the heat and pressure of the birth of this planet, then smashed into a million fragments each containing the soul of this mother earth, the warrior and the shaman nature of existence, and spread throughout the crust the flesh of this earth. and now they rest heavily in my hands a long mile from my car parked down the side of the dusty road miles from the village in the mountains where we live. i carry these powerful souls to the car, my arms aching with the effort but i feel the unalterable truth that they want to be with us in the house on the ridge where the energy sings all love eternally throughout the universe. here at the center of the world, i feel the very center of the universe, all things are drawn, like a whirlpool so vast we cannot understand its motion but only live in its unending power. as such even the stones are slowly ceaselessly tumbling and rolling pulled and moved by unseen forces to connect to the inexhaustible energy of the mother now flowing through this shrine to her love, this home of her keeping, this temple of her brilliant truth. we sit and listen for hours to the teachings revealed by the master SwamiJi and his followers and devotees from India and the west, recorded just days ago in his ashram in nevada. the love of the mother and the wisdom of the universal soul emancipated in the form of Sri Aurobindo and revealed through the teachings of Sri Atmananda all glory and power to the work of the Mother on earth and from her MahaSamadhi in Pondicherry India and now this living sanctuary in the mountains of southern california. this is the center of her love manifest for her and all who are drawn to be here, and how wonderful it is to be drenched in this force continually each day. the day is meditations and small chores to keep everything clean and perfectly organized with beauty grace and harmony everywhere in all the elements that live here. nothing is here by accident or through casual thoughtlessness. each candle, flower, cup dish, spice, cushion, rug, place setting has a part in the creation of the perfection, none is ignored or allowed to deteriorate. in this manner all is offered to her and for her and comes from her so we all become that heart of her heart and held in her arms. here we can surrender all thought of our own and live only for her divine mission. rain comes in the dense humidity that is so rare at these elevations and wind throws table umbrellas and outdoor rugs and statuary around and we collect and situated as needed to preserve them, the sky is dark and the rain a blessing of unexpected summer storm clouds and we smell the earthy aromas released and the air is thick with the promises of the coming seasons dormant in the soil. the twin stones of white and bronze quartz sit wet upon the posts before our tiny rose garden where three new buds have bloomed in perfection around the deep green mint leaves growing in between. love is in every plant and all are filled with the attractive force of love, imbuing everything with an inner glow and sparkling shine. even the dried flowers left from offerings have a perfect burnished rose petal aura full of service given and the fulfillment of that purpose. we close the house to the wind and falling rain and set out to do the weekly shopping and hours drive away. its not until an hour past sunset that we return, the car filled and a passenger, our child of the mother, joining us to share her day and the triumphs and pitfalls of her new employment and the people she meets. what is it mother wants us to do and how can i create love where none is given? her heart beats with Mothers purpose and she thinks only of her connection through the divine to this life we are given and choose to return perfectly to her complete and alive for her work.

service

the words of the master, liberation, collaboration, manifestation, the silence and service of enlightened beings unaware of their attainment, devoted to the collaboration with the mother, devoted to the manifestation of her will. these ring the truest of all. the perfect instrument of the divine, beyond purpose, deep contemplation surrendering to mother and love. resisting all else the self becomes empty but for her will and action. to be hers, in every moment, the truth of the pain and the false self, offered to her divine self and beseeching her strength to continue. this only is my way just as i choose to breathe the air. what is given i accept, the rest is maya and serves only that.

transforming

divine is the single note playing in my soul, the one sound i am. all silence dances to that music without end. i collapse with unbearable ecstasy and delight, the love of life is the end of seeking,the beginning of being, the truth is present everywhere, in everything, expressing love, the divine surrender of the being to the forms attraction. in wedded bliss we are one and all together without end, touching with hungry fingers, the fulfillment of every wish,the first and last thought, perfection is loves intention, in every form and beyond all knowing. what is rough smoothed, difficulties eased, longings satisfied. the energy of all awareness transcends me and i am given the life untouched, the love unknown, the truth realized, the being brought forth , what was ever wanting in this emptiness is done. the million private reserves surrendered unquestioned, sincerely, absolutely, with love. transforming is forever, love is beyond time.

Source of Love

at the center of existence burns a fire that only love can hold
from this fire all lamps are lit
every being is burning its light
and every flame burns unquenchable love

here that flame lives
and that Love burns

the Divine Shakti Center exists to bring every flame
to its source of love
where it can burn unending

here there is a powerful source
lit by the flame that you burn so perfectly
and here you are only known as the Divine
where all fire finds its final truth,
that which holds all that has been transformed
to unending light
and gone beyond burning.

thou art that and we aspire to that completion
our union is all and all is what we are.
in you we go beyond all union
where nothing can be known.

that which we know is lost and finally
true knowledge is given
in your inexpressible being.

All is Divine Love burning
transforming into that
which we are in you!

every one of us is a sunbeam of your brilliance
each yearning to be a star
destroying time and space
crushing the very existence we are
into pure truth.

as we remove our shoes before we enter your house
so do we remove our tiny selves in your presence
you allow us nothing but that which we truly are
in your unbearable oneness.

all Love Truth and Wisdom is thine
and in you we are made one.

whisper prayers

waking darkness,the light hours away. all love is here and undeniably present. she is sleeping but the being is aware and filled with love. i understand the ananda, the interaction of the unmanifest with the creation, the pure joy of being beyond the void, lashed to the trunk of the tree of life. i spend my time in meditation, sometimes just to be silent, let everything go, nothing intervenes but there are long conversations with the ego, the call to let go only makes the holding stronger. i wait still not thinking, releasing the desire to act, to see, to hear, and nothing moves. conversation goes on, the music plays, mother descends into my crown, i shake and whisper prayers of release, let this sinner go, let this end, let this self disappear.

karmic banking

in a rough analogy, we all live our lives through the Bank Of Karma, the BofK. and like every bank for every transaction there is a fee. it is the cost of having an account and controlling what happens. we go to the bank and make a withdrawal, we want a relationship, bing cha ching another lifetime is the fee. we want children, more lifetimes added. we take some job, ching! soon we are drowning in lifetimes of fees at the BofK. Theres no end to the amount we can owe, no end to the lifetimes we can live, infinity cannot be reached. after a few million lives we start to understand the pointlessness of trying, but the fees just keep on coming. sure some fees can be removed by selfless acts of depositing love and service over thousands of lives, but there is one way to settle the debt now. You see, the divine owns the BofK. trillions of transactions are processed for the divine everyday with no fees. all one has to do is surrender the control of their account over to the divine and accept whatever is given in this life and the fees will begin to disappear as they are distributed throughout the trillions of transactions the divine controls. suddenly there are no more fees, the lives diminish from the account and you no longer have to access your account, but rather live on the transactions that the divine provides. its all done simply and without any fuss. just surrender your account to the divine and you will never need to go to the bank again.

ending ends

have we told the truth even to ourselves, our sense of self, this formation that graved in thin air is reflected back at us as light patterns on eyes that cannot see themselves. is that me? i dont recognize that face or the reality of that instant. this consciousness is plain, it exists as a force like gravity, exposing all to its touch. the knowing wind twists around every nook and cranny and whispers to us from its play, the rocks remain fixed to the immovable earth, by gravity's presence. where am i, is there any idea, except here. when am i, but now. there is nothing but what i impose on consciousness. this must be real since i experience it? is it my experience or am i just noticing consciousness flowing through me? am i holding the world together, or am i just noticing gravity? who is the knower, the experiencer? am i me? do i have a reality separate from my preferences? this sense of awareness, like smell, as the odors are released they demand a target, a point of agreement that there is a shared experience, one the odor releaser, one the odor sampler. what is the purpose of smelling, but to satisfy the release of saturated ions. is it me that creates either of these? i am but the passing stranger to the unending play, the release and capture of existence. i create none of it but am only sampling, touching as the wind pushes me further through this dream. nothing is mine only the play of the weaving of the dreams together. i sense but only because the dream sensates, what is sense, only awareness, the force released through all existence, passed through everything, the very completion of the creation, the manifestation, to be known. by what, me? this ephemeral creature, dipped from the well of being, encapsulated in this form, and then shook out like a drop of water from a cloud back to the sea of its origin? that is the purpose? i release that fantasy to the wind also. all is the divine, that which from, all flows as its dream and as its sensated self would know and through this encapsulated self would also realize the fullness of its creation, both as one unending truth and as a trillion falsenesses becoming truth and returning like a sunbeam to the star. i am that is that become I, and all one, is everyone, the truth unseen and realized both. there is no end to the truth and no beginning to the false, what is, exists like the i in me, unfolds from one pinprick in the fabric of lies to the unending graciousness of the light of truth that projects each thought and feeling upon my consciousness. i begin again as that which has never begun and from which all ending ends.

spend love

when ending your world, notice how the little things become so important. the small conversations, peoples comments, childrens love, although thats far from being small. i'm enlightened by their love everyones love. by myself, i am what i am, it is through my service to others that i experience meaning or purpose. left alone, i am that and have nothing else to do. its in the realization of anothers divinity i become activated, purposful. small things, small moments, uniquely mine shared remembered bring the light shining, the love pouring and nothing i do is even realized just performed in service and surrender. i become that without hesitation, the earth is moved spadeful by spadeful each a small portion of the ananda and joy i contain, each the movement of my being to its truest expression. love of my simran, the love of my brothers for which i feel perfect union, in whom i see only the light and beyond. patience is unknown only the doing of each small task, necessary action, to bring my soul forward in theirs. that is the pathless path, the gateless gate, the doing that yeilds no action. in each moment i live unknowing who this is but being only that motion, the drift and swell of every planetary force, each infinite feeling, unknown but to that which i am become.

kill the guru

not a moment goes by when i dont suffer, i find a way to extract pain from everything. its my nature to want some kind of punishment and to blame. where does this come from, where am i so twisted inside that i cant believe in the mother or the divine enough to cast everything to them and be done with it. i cant do this, it doesnt work this way. the love is not in me
it flows from the universal. i must be in connection with that to have it flow. i am empty, unplugged, released from life from home from love. i am the emptiness. two months ago all love ended. i feel no love in me, when i am around others its empty. i have never felt this before, i struggle with it. you cant force love, pretend love, make love respond. all i can do is wait and look at the way i react, i get angry easily. i am unloved and angry about that, from the bottom of my heart angry.this is my reward after years of work and loving all i can, its taken from me, so i have nothing to support me. i am heading for the bottom of my self.
i am sitting here planning the end of my life, taking apart job and home and family and there is nothing to take its place. i am sure i am insane. i have too many gurus too many enlightened beings around me, the freaking woodwork is full of them and each, surprisingly, has there own opinion, or should i say, truth, about me and what i need to do. its making me crazy. i am dying and they are arguing over the remains.in the philosophy it says kill the guru, i think i might need to kill more than one.

saturday wanders

the day at 5:30, chilly and sitting in a blanket in the dome for morning meditation. the four of us go under and i stay submerge for almost 80 minutes. coming up only to reconnect here and now. i simply arrive, no broken sequences. after a usual breakfast without peanut butter darn, we set out on a hike in the hills under hot sun but still cool air. we wander over steep terrain for 2 and a half hours covering 6 or seven miles. i feel worn out but happy.lunch is bread and cheese ad then work all afternoon finishing the two bed dormer in the loft. i make a quick run to the grocery to get a few snacks and veggies and hurry back in time to go to see super 8. the usual theatrics ensue and we are all pleased by the time the ending credits role. night is corn and artichokes and asparagus with sourdough bread. yum, then a house fire a mile away lights up the night sky and we walk two miles to watch the firemen clean up the mess. its a warm night and soft and the quiet is filled with crickets.

pre holiday living

drove this morning early to the washoe valley house of my brother the enlightened being to see my other brother, the enlightened being also just fresh from india and the mountain. 5am start time ,7 hours in the pre holiday traffic up the 99 to the 80 and down the 395 to arrive at noon at the little house that backs up to the BLM land. the air is clear the eastern sierras across the lake and valley still covered in snow. its beautiful. i hug george, down to a trim 180 and siddhartha also at 180 and i a paltry 175 we are all in our high school trim. george is clear eyed and clear minded, still the joker but only joking. i help siddhartha with a quick panelling of his loft for the privacy of the 2 women coming tomorrow and he is quick and busy with the power tools. we run to costco and best buy and radio shack to get mattresses sheets and bed frames and i run around getting george new headphones and wires and movies as well as vegetables cheese and bread for dinner.we stop at starbucks on the way back and siddhartha discusses my state and future with me. its definitely time to make the cut, stop the madness or start the insanity depending on how you look at it. i am clear as he is that the time is now, pull the plug on the world.the organization can support me. i can sell the house and cars and say bye to the family and job and take over the open position as resident dharma bum, most recently occupied by george, now promoted to second resident enlightened bum. things are looking up for unemployment. We quickly drive to the house and finish the panelling before its time for evening meditation, 90 minutes of no-self under the 16 foot dome. the 9pm i finally make dinner for george and me. artichokes asparagus, everything seeded french bread and bi color corn. i make a quick mustard and oil seasoned dip and everything is delicious. the day is done and i take my evening shower, move into the tiny trailer in the side yard and sit to catch up on myself, suddenly untired and happy. life is good in loving doses...

self perpetuation

sickness betokens gladness for its overwhelming bar elicits our unknown truth to expand beyond whatever limits the form can create, becoming indifferent to that impediment, going beyond the extant physical reality to be that which is not limited. the pain is lost in the joy, the truth present in the act of being free. in body and mind we are the lower realms inhabitant, in spirit, we pierce the veil and see the light beyond imagining, luminenece without peer in the sun or the moon, such sacred splendor, we are taken by its luster and imaginings that have no meanings only wonder. starry nights and starry eyes combine and beyond universes coalesce to touch the shining divine we are beyond knowing. inside our confines, we fear the open night, wonder in a paralysis of fear, the creator of such might and beauty that we are such a tiny part of. is there any who has not wondered why or how, yet that is just a drop of water to the ocean of truth unknown. be not dismayed at no beginning and endless life, for what is death but the clock reset and the game begun once more. the play is the thing and the score is forever nothing yet what diamonds we behold in the emptiness of time. inside the clock is ticking, beating like a driven heart to push you into fear, that time is the destroyer and man the sickened prey, stumbling through lifes infirmities, a burning pyre floating or pine box lowered into clay. this morning, this very day, is reason enough to stop the turning hands and bench the teams desires, let winning end and losing become the master for what is lost is the self's perpetuation and the opening to the truth of nothing and all that allows.

indifference

i jerk suddenly in my meditation, the sideways movement of my arm stirring me. I have no idea where or when i am and no sense of who is thinking these thoughts. just the blackness then awareness, light motion. what is it, i dont know. it could be morning or evening. Am i late for work, is it time for dinner. there is only confusion, how can i not know, and who is it that cant get the simplest things right.i am slowly becoming oriented, the room in semi light/darkness candle forever burning, gives no hint of the outside world. i fall forward and twist the small clock to face me, 8pm its night, i dont have to go anywhere, thankfully, i drop to the floor, sensing the panic that had risen in me. not knowing, wondering if i would ever know, the who am i was the darkest, there was no one to know, no one to figure out or be in charge of the organization of facts and sensations to detail the whereabouts of this entity in the flesh. the merest stoppage of the internal workings of orientation to this plane of existence was on one level terrifying, on another, liberating, on another, indifferent. the one having the experiences was the sleeping conscious, invisibly, the being has no sense of differentiation. all just exists regardless, nothing is questioned or accepted, indifference is the nature of truth.

dancing light

i sit in meditation in the dark, the sun set in this very long days evening begun,just arisen from a sleep induced coma of the body from hours of walking in the hot sun at high altitude. living in my van, using the center for its electricity and divine energies. i sit before mothers altar, in the very heart of the center, its beating shakti being, i have been gone for a long while, weeks, and this is loves home, loves deal, i am the truth seeker questioning my motives here, but respectful, prostrating before her, surrendering my self inquiry to her divine love, i sit against the thick wooden wall and bow my head in empty mindfulness. her force is immediate and without reservation, she has been waiting for me and with a loving vengeance comes forth.not since Pondicherry at her ashram, at the mahasamadhi have i felt this power so fully. i am rocked to my core in this energy, the waves of unending transformative love crush my ego and collapse any thought into the elements that once coalesced around me and gave them cohesion. all is the unwrapping and unburdening, like a dinner of many elements on the chopping block, my self is undone, then thrown to the highest regions and fed into the cosmic furnace. i feel giant boxes and containers all white being flushed from my deepest regions like airtight containers popping to the surface of the water then flying high into the sky gone from me, then its as if i am turning inside out from my first chakra upward a constant flow of erupting energies bursting any structures remaining, the buildings i had inhabited were gone in this tsunami of complete churning turning roiling unending. I felt skewered on the energy and twisted round and round from the inside out completely exposing every inner part and stretching the strips of my skin for further and further through the psychic space. I feel sick and giant gas and belching fly from my physical. i am drenched in cold fever.i see the truth of me the protoplasm wrapped around a breathing tube, clinging to lifes meanest existence with tenacious desire, ugly and twisted around the tube sucking air. and in this bent and deformed creature comes the light the fulfilling divinity the force of being so powerful and overwhelming i am unable to breathe but through the divine, all force all impetus all being living in light and majesty all truth pushing into wondrous existence in this loving supreme power. deep in me i feel the upwelling of the waters of being the underground reservoir of being flowing up through me like a river of delight an ocean spreading from my center filling ever thing surrounding and permeating all existence. and this is life, the manifesting being the unending truth the enlightened self, seeing this play of the dance of pure light in matter. all is gone all is done this life no more is empty only the divine sings this heart this soul this one life true and sincere all love in all things , all life filled with the divine light dancing.

let darkness be

dawn, crippled child of the night, come to end all mystery and magic, shed light upon all fears, let this time hold back this once, as my dreams are unfinished and i am needed there, with my dream friends and their dream lives. here the dream is concrete and stone, people needless and driven. where is my warmth and folded arms, foreheads leaning together with such a knowing smile. this life is undeniable but i deny all. truth sits without moving, love is the river round, wherever the current flows, it stands as the imperishable boulder that withstands all time, submerged in love, basking in the light unending. what skies revolve, planets succumb, even the sun declines, i am that timeless edifice of unshakable being, unbreakable awareness, formless and in all forms, that separates nothing, whole yet apart, i am that always castaway, in the midst of madness, collapsing from the unending duality that experiences, that realizes, that tries everything, to attain that which is already there. let go the mask of reason, untie the belief of self, be that song my dream is singing, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is only dreaming...

passage

what is this truth, this bed of nails that no longer stings but lays there inviting me. i speak it and am thrust past caring. I live it and strength to wield the force is given. the path has no meaning anymore there are only the steps taken and what is remains. emptiness makes the meaning clear, others cannot see the way or the light around me. one being removes all doubt all choice all matter. I connect to become that which i am, not to be anything else. realization is being that. not in the human form but with divine purpose. not to alleviate suffering or create change, but to end all human misery. where i go is painless and supreme, the length of my stride the passage of the spirit, not time or place. let what i am be reason enough for this work. the end of struggles or trying, wanting or fears, where the self is simple and desire does not regulate, with intention pure, capture this draught of fulfillment in my heart and be.

unending certainty

what light shines in thee that lights each lamp in turn
though cloaked in dark i shine so bright reflecting thy brilliant grace
such music flows throughout each note thy perfect loves refrain
sweet temperament that shelters all from self inflicted pain
you fill me beyond measure and then empty that which cannot be
till only love can survive in unending certainty
the deeper i get, the less there is i can do myself
to your soul i will cleave this helpless child and stay
held safe knowing your love is her true passage
where you are, i am with you though every voice cries danger
i know this comes hard on trouble and confusion,
i remain a bending reed in the storm clinging to your love

what soft roses petal my eyes
in such dreams i am lost without searching
can truth be beauty revealed as thee
only mine eyes can tell me
be still before the rising light
take the love that is given this day
each moment i hear the whisper of my own secret joy
wrapping me round and round with sweet love
where can such mighty mountains pass through tiny hearts so open
here in thy perfect being we are made wondrous light
untouchable unstoppable complete

i am thine always
without measure in the moment without the thought of how
in every instant now i surrender
no tears complete this love no hearts unstrung
but pure joyous singing from above
ascending i am pulled by my heart without resistance
my heart beats like thunder my breath a heated fever
i am taken and given with unending love

since early i am smitten with such feeling that i can hardly contain my words
for what is love but the truth in every letter
the filling of every space and edges of each line
all is her love unending and perfect and i just a painter of her slightest gifts
you have returned me to her and through you i am taken to her heart
such gratitude and humble treasures as i have i give to thee always and for love
but even that seems selfish and vain for the light is beyond measure or worth
there is nothing in me worthy but that which has been my treasure to receive

this balloon filled and upon a summer breeze
does fly careless aloft and alight the clouds on high
yes you are in my heart burning with love
truly you are come to your conclusion now
matter transformed into energy squared
thou art that my love
and like a nuclear reaction
we all are shattering in sympathetic wonderment and joy

the beast heart cannot contain within me
i am set free and loosed upon the fruits of your labors
you are the firmament of the night holding each star in place
the oxygen of every reaction
the catalyst of matter into magic
i feel the whole universe trembling with joy
as you are born

i am so thankful for your love
you are that which is never born and has no name as men would place on you
i do like a mighty river flowing into your ocean
i and thou are that together forever
in one love there are all hearts
grace has become us

your samadhi is love eternal coming to us all
your life given is returned beyond all knowing to that which is all of us reborn
the light is flowering from your orchids love
every atom bursts with love and each one follows
it can never end
and all is yours
all is come home to thee
for you have given all with perfect love and devotion truly

i am filled with love and sweet praise for thee and thine mother in eternal fusion
all is but the drama which speaks her name eternally
and we the strokes of her brush upon the canvas of creation
i am in that state that has no meaning but gives air to every whim
for it is the birds singing that frees the air to dance
and i am in a dancing frenzy my heart beating with the force of thy love
love love love you dearly madly sweetly
and forever

my hands are thy tools
this heart beats for you
for you are the mother to me
through you i will be hers
i am hers in your love
i am returned to where we always come together
that space of love and truth between us divine
that which felt in me so missing and distant
is here present and alive
it is the sweetness and the power you give me
that breaks this rotten crust and washes my eyes clean
for in me there is nothing that does not love
and no place that has any where but the heart to be
if my heart song deepens your love i am truly blessed
may this day always be

mornlight

such tremulous morning
clouds low to hold back the dawn
grey filled with birds
unmindful of the damp and chill
in symphony of chatter
soft light spreads evened through
such day would come unheeded and unbidden
but i wait from deepest night
to see this miracle come peering light
until what passes for the dark
is wholly gone from every quarter
such trifles is my life consumed
while this eve i patient waiting
till wondrous comes the moon

what pain is this

physical pain, sickness, aching joints and muscles, infections, all side effects of the anti cancer cream, all conspiring to bring down the body's defenses. i could not sleep no matter what position i turned and tossed to. it was unrelieved agony as was the drive home yesterday, almost unable to see, my truck weaving from white line to white line, feeling tremendous fatigue and eye strain. i am collapsing. unable to keep going yet work demands, life requires and i want only to lay down and let all go let everything fall apart. this is the true nature of desire leaving, the end of caring, the pain of holding on, the last remnants of the system trying to endure. my son calls me the strongest man hes ever known, i think of myself as weak. what is the truth of me being, the ascension or the decline. where on the scale of beast to buddha is this one, what man or beast or godlike creature stirs? i wander in the thrones of the fallen and eat the berries from the thorn bushes growing from the cracks of the marbled floors.

false pain

my head handed to me forcefully with love and wisdom, the truth completely revealed, the despair complete, the gratitude and humility overwhelming, but there are still tears, the feeling is taking some time to settle in. to feel the pain reminds me to stay small, humble which i havent been. i think there is something special about me and that leads to unreal emotions, feelings of disrespect or abandonment, loss of love, many untrue feelings that are the product of the deluded self. not being able to see that empties the spirit and fills the ego. a long night of listening to my brother divine embodied being tell me the truth of my situation, the most basic truth of what causes this and exactly how it spelled out in the first chapter of the gita, and me realizing everything is without merit if you cannot recognize yourself. i have rejected her who means more to me than truth and i cannot face that yet. maybe later i will be humble enough to show my face. i now am just scared it will all start again and i will lose even what this despair brings as relief from falseness. though i am still the false self, the real self has no tears no feeling of less or more, no changing states. its enough for now to recognize what i am, angry and prideful, this is my failing it has no place in what i am becoming, but it seems to not have any reason to go. its attached to that which i have claimed as mine away from the truth, because all is the divine and nothing i do has any reality. divine mother sustain my smallness and seperation from desire.

insufferable self

smothered in the dew of morning, a bit unclear as to where or when but understanding perfectly that my life is meaningless. not just a little but totally. nothing is mine, no thing or thought or action has anything ascribed to it or for it that connects to me. all that i did was an affront to the truth. not just a little deviation but a blunt repudiation of what my life was supposed to be about. the realization hits like a truck in a hurry.This family, the house the cars the job all wrong from the beginning and through the end, this was not my path or my reason for being here. I was to find the soul of me and let it free. it was clear at one time, in my teens and early twenties. the freedoms and expansion i experienced were all sources of the truth not the darkness, that came later. my own pain led me to it. i sat in the seat of power and abdicated, my scepter dropped and crown lost. so i awaken to that truthful pain, i am a failure, i have gathered nothing and am come to the end without the prize or even the beginning of its attainment.all the work i have done even towards this has been a half measure at best and it awaits the true assessment that i am now having. the utter ruin of who i am. this body and mind wasted in personal pleasure and taking thinking there was truth in that, that happiness was some sort of replacement for truth. my world is not mine to lose or to give away, rather i have squandered it and been selfish beyond my reason. better to be the biggest ego on earth and fully unconscious than to have this half light and look away. that i have done and never once given the god in me his real due, all the insights and experiences were just markers of my callousness and self indulgence. what is left is hard, the world is rejecting me, i think to cut me off, to not let me even have the dream i thought my life was, but to hand me just the rocks that were always there the ones i fall upon now trying to remember who i was. this life this unreasoned mask of my insufferable self, i try to pluck it from me but the skin is grown tight and the hooks of madness have dug deep into my brain.

dog days done

the small trail of cooking smells suddenly attacks me and the reality sets in. theres another one in that garage.its not far as the crow flies but i have to walk and the cover around the tumbledown structure is spotty at best. someone has cut down most of the trees and the bramble bushes and shrub are all to low to keep me hidden.all i have is the 4 inch blade with the tape wrapped handle thrust into a cardboard cover to keep it from ripping out my worn pocket.i choose to sit here at a distance behind this overgrown hedge and wait out the mysterious chef du jour across the way.a dog barks with a eager sound, and i can almost hear a sudden hush command. the emptiness is unbroken except by an occasional flitter of a small bird or the skitter of some falling roof pieces blowing in the morning breeze. the small structure is windowless on this side and i decide to chance approaching to a closer inspection. the smoke from the fire is well masked but the odor of some unknown meat cooking is unmistakable. it reminds me of some venison i once had, but i havent seen a deer since last september. from a block closer theres still only the faded green wooden walls and the smell thats drawing applause from my salivary glands. my taste buds get the better of me and i crawl forward until i can hear some movement inside and a low growl. i back away to the side street and listen. i hear the door scrape open from the unseen side and then im surprised to see a small girl holding her dog around the neck. even at this distance i can see she is sightless in one eye and her left leg is twisted from some deformity. her blond hair hangs over her empty eye socket and she looks momentarily ordinary. i quickly stand up and announce myself.
Hey, I'm a friend, really. I don't want to have to fight your dog. can you hold him?
i hold out my empty hands as a peace gesture and she backs away quickly screaming a command and letting the dog go. well what did i expect, friendship? the dog exploded towards me, almost as fast as i could draw my blade. i figured it would be dog for dinner if not the venison. i heard the door slam and uneven footsteps clambering away from behind the garage. then it was all fur and fangs and i was too preoccupied with slashing the mongrels throat to follow where she went.

ten times done

outside in the gray gloom of morning somewhere, the blossoming continues. nature unabated by the disaster, sails on bringing forth her miracles as if there was some purpose and reason or even someone to appreciate it. here is the work without fruit, except it is fruit just uneaten. the rotted remains fill with insects and nothing is wasted, only humans are gone , the strangely quiet world revolves through its region of space unstoppable except for some cataclysmic event which has already occurred in microcosmical reality, in the domain of the planets it has yet to happen and is less likely due to the stringent controls we cannot imagine are imposed on that layer of reality. i see a small flurry of white and green covering acres of fences and wrapping through the demolished blocks of tract houses now just the homes of rats and wild dogs. the bodies have disappeared in the overgrown scenery and probably add to the lushness of the foliage. i am amazed at the pristine resurgence of the natural order where every possible seed or spore or shoot has its place and its opportunity to grow, wild weeds and domesticated flowers, bushes from around the world , planter boxes and cracks in the streets and sidewalks all offering perfect mediums of growth.a broken window flashes as the sun comes out from behind a westering cloud, the wind barely felt down here is hauling the creatures of the sky mightily away to work and water where they are needed. i see something cut across the brightness of the reflection and drop behind a wall of shrubbery gone wild. the next street over is a jungle of poinsettias and rhododendrons with massive poplar and oaks. there is a light colored garage still standing and i can see a small indented trail leading around it. it could be a trail of escaped animals from the pens outside of town where the massacre used to continue unending, now its abattoir is left silent but stained forever with the smell of death.

post approximate

22,059th day. a thursday, in the year 2011. no rescue ship is coming, i will die on this backward planet. somewhere the controls were lost and the rebirth mechanism faulted and i was born here.previous to the era when i was from. the physical pain is becoming overwhelming, the 3 major diseases are asserting themselves in the body and the surgeries are uneducated cutting away of the flesh and tissue. i had hope for a few years that i had made contact with others in my same predicament but, finally even i had to realize they were just sporting mutants products of irradiated foods and water, genetic throwaheads reverting as they clambered too quickly up the genomic ladder. the memories i was imprinted with are faded and worn i can barely recall who i was supposed to be, the few real memories are just shining light off of glaasy spires in fields of green and lilac. i have no one to share any of this with, no soultender no mergelove all is freakish and dull, the couplings of animals and beatings. i prefer this solitary existence, where each is the meaning for themselves, not obligated or expecting, not affected by the whims and worries of the human sort.when this world wakens the earth will fall into ruin and the class of being in control will suffer greatly. no more reliance on artifical intelligence, no bellowing vehicles and massive bulk packaging and shipment of life dulling goods. all will become very personal and deadly, no more thought of paradise, just reality every day. those that can will survive at any cost, the rest slaughtered. i have my mountains and the small wheeled life support, hidden from everyone, the water comes from the snow melt and underground reservoirs high in the granite obtrusion. food is in cans and theres traps bow and arrows and a small rifle to sustain. farming will be a while as this altitude wont manage much in the way of agriculture. and i wont head down until the bodies have dessicated beyond disease and hungry scavengers. i will keep this diary until i either die or find a way to be born in my rightful era, either way i'll be done here.

terrible truth

back at work, the eternal hyper kinetic playground for pain. i arrived this morning with my back seizing, taking my breath away with its intense pressure. I realize i have been putting all my weight on my right shoulder constantly to avoid any on the still fresh stitches on my left shoulder. Its caused my middle spine to twist and pinch a nerve. I am damaged, my knee joining in to twist to the right every time i take a stair. i feel like a car broken down on the side of the freeway, pummelled by the blast of wind as every 18 wheeler rushes past. the world seems like a stone grinding machine and im an old rock, eventually becoming polished but going through the abrasions of the process hoping i dont split along a hidden fracture before i am done. I have finished reading Spiritual warfare and i feel differenter, unusually so. theres a terrible truth in his words that brings up in me the recognition that ive already been through this, im just picking up the piece or two thats left and dusting myself off, looking at the forlorn reality of truth, and feeling free to get going.maybe its my time and im just realizing it, the words are like my thoughts, the actions arising from my psychic recognition of where ive ended up. theres been the constant message for two months now, that i need to go, i dont have any reason anymore to stay. it was all about helping her and now thats not needed, what remains is a vacuum of need, of feeling of connection. i finally got it that its my psychic letting me know its done. i need to go and be in my own space and while thats not SD either it will have to do for a few weeks while i recover and then go.i feel all prakriti's stuff she throws at me to get me hooked, but nothing comes up. im empty and the triggers aren't firing, i walk like the unnamed gunslinger through the wasteland, roland and the 3 fingered gun.

still asleep

sunday and its not any better than the last.meditation is like a narcotic, theres , no truth anymore just varying degrees of lies. i lie about myself and about who i am, i lie about what i want or need or even think. i lie about what is real and what i feel. theres no end to the deception. who am i? thats a trick question, the truth is not possible so every answer is another lie. truth has no voice, no witness no truth for dummies or how to do it yourself books. we are all the opposite of what we think we are, theres no explaining the truth, but plenty of explanations for the lies. i know im tired, thats for sure, this process is like shrink wrapping, your compressing what is into the smallest space and then removing anything that might touch it and then sucking the life out of it, the last step is throwing it on the fire like one of those presto logs, made from the waste products of who we were. the sleep is stupid, i run from my dreams, i want the narcosis of death, the end of knowing, the sleep of the undead is always waiting, zombie processing, im not there, i dont know what is happening i just know it is. but what is this, i started somewhere, it was a happy place, some dream state of love and forces of connection and being, now its different, i cant say how, its just not as fuzzy and warm, its more like walking downtown at 2:30 am and theres no place for you to go, and its cold enough to make your breath fog the air in front of you. and i realize, i dont have anyplace to call my own, everything is a dream and i've stepped out, woken up, but it feels hopeless, not like waking up relieved, just realizing maybe, im still sleeping.

going nowhere

it seems everything is ended or at least suspended. the lack of interaction. the emptiness of feeling, the avoid dance in the house. maybe ive tread on sacred toes or broken the divine law but if so i have no idea. today is just another emptiness to add with the others. luckily i have plenty of space for more. i feel as if my ego, my sense of importance is being punctured as well it should be as well as my stupid fear of rejection and avoidance of pain. i am going at the wall, if not at full tilt at least with determination and the impact is cracking my smug nature and feeling of being integral to anything. whats beyond this impediment i have no idea, probably just more piles of my own crap and pretty pictures of what i think they should be seen as. the truth is somewhere but i am nowhere near wherever that is.more surgeries coming up, this time on my back and i feel helpless, i wont even be able to clean and bandage myself. i wont be here for a couple of weeks, im going to fore go the pleasure of sharing the one bathroom with 7 people and the hours and hours of foreign language class without benefit of a teacher. i dropped the van off at last with an actual mechanic who will hopefully be able to fix the problem, then i'll have my own space wherever i go even if its nowhere.

baying of the dogs

the list of offenses grows, the minds eye resolves on the tiniest misstep. what is the length of time one can suffer the most. i precisely identify each millimeter of pain and every instant of delight, any inkling of truth is lost immediately with the closing of the mind to all but the internal past and future.where is the emptiness the darkness lit with pinkish blush and tapers smoldering red and smoking. i wander as a jerusalem of the heart, split and divided, the home of god, the keeper of the broken promise.who am i, i laugh, not a question but an accusation, what have i become without wanting to become anything. this life's highway is littered with the bones of my fellow travelers, each and every already given up to the inevitable, the huge wastebasket of souls, netted and returned for more mayhem and abandonment. the truth is here in this predicament in the pain in the hopeless foraging for a crumb a drop of what it is. i cling to my battered covers and empty plastic remnants displaying them proudly, this is mine i say this is what i have done, people look away as if i am contagious, and maybe i am. theres nothing left behind i havent trampled into trash and everything i touch has the taste of molded bread and spoiled fruit. my thoughts are curdled milk and vodka shooters erupting later into alleyway walls and trash bins. what hapless creature of the night sidles through the darkened ways to escape, to avoid the light even as he proclaims his tragic dramas. i punch the clock and sleep away my life praying to my almighty self to send me a bone. i dream of crippled sheep and storm sounding horns in lighthouses tossed by waves. the holy ocean revolves inside my head and i roll to and fro with the rhythm and sicken with the tides. awake and awash with unsettled feelings its a pastime i have no stomach for, looking for my home that i burned in the dark for light and ending up here in the mist of the mind, asleep awake i cant tell anymore the sliver of my thoughts are forgotten and declined. i resemble the last clown at the closing of the carnival, the face paint streaked and the merry smile punctured with spit and tobacco, a last moment with the children and the sirens are approaching, i run with the baying of the dogs, searching for that last call of the wild from the backyard fence.

eye offends

it may gray here, the 6am sky fogged in. the thought of mountain sky lost in the impenetrable dimness. san diego coastal life, i always thought of this as inland but no more, i now feel like i am just off the sand, the coastal influence is so immense. after weeks in the mountains a hundred and fifty miles inland, views to the ends of the world, this 15 miles inland is a dune on the beach by comparison. i tried to get an offer on the house yesterday but all for naught. the most amazing place, 6 bedrooms( or seven) there is some dispute, all fresh paint, carpet, granite counters etc, beautiful views, but the weekend is no longer mortgage application times. all the dealers are worried about life work ratio's and the soap box derby is going on, so i send out my tax returns and no one replies.but its a nice fantasy to go back and say we got it, the new house, the castle in cuddy valley,but it seems its just that, dreams like the fog, obscuring what is really there, my own suffering. its what money is really about, pain, if you have enough, you can distract yourself from feeling it, if you dont then you have to find some other way.i've been focused on the process in me for some time now, feeling the intensity of the emptiness, the things that come into being there my own resistance and my reactions. there isnt anything else.i felt it was going to push me into despair, as it will and too far in to recover, so i thought to take a couple of days off, ha ha ha.at least get away from my nuclear reactor, the source of my reactions, get away from her and the world she inhabits while this one still exists in my nightmares, that one was occupying my waking dreams, and the pain was feeling like a lead blanket, a numbing where i should be feeling joy.overload, surrender has stopped in me, the truth is i am still separate from it all, there is no cohesion in me to whatever she is doing. so i tried to keep it together but im just unable to work though her emptiness and reserve. where i used to experience love, now its a wall, a separation from the world, the union is more like a string tied round me, without a connection, its impossible to breathe. so down to a more workable altitude, in my family home, with the human drama, the moving rooms and preparing for my nieces coming, wild child come to escape, run away, who knows, sounds like she is in my situation, just filled with more pain and fewer options. my eye is bleeding tears and the sharp soreness continues, i thought that was from the dry air up there but now i think its that if mine eye offends me......

effigy

the burning man the effigy of life and its reward, the flame of consumption, we all live and we all die, but how many hasten that in this life, to die first to this world while still in its thrall.i see there fore i love, i feel therefore i love, now that becomes a death in me to the thinking to the feeling and to hope. what is left but the pain of sickness and the defeat
the failure of what i am to make any sense of what is going on. i talk to my brother in India, i sense the intensity of the agony, the searing loneliness the months of marching without end through the jungle not in body though that too but in the souls last miles through emptiness filled with murders and mayhem in the heart.
these words dont come easy or cheap, i feel left out and alone, i want to go home and feel loved but where is that and what is it i think would change. here everything is changed, the center is missing, the religion of me is ending and im not happy. in fact i feel the nausea of eating what i cant digest, taking food at the trough of emptiness is a poor substitute for what i once thought life was, this trial or this test or this ungodly way of living is dense and indigestible, the regions i inhabit are becoming tangibly diseased and cold, the chill permeating the frosted nostrils and the dying organs, the jackets and sweaters holding the temperature lower and lower.
i sit and energy does not fill me or feed me but it runs like the current of the unliving and burns my tongue for speaking. where is there a time for love, i dont know if its in me anymore, the walls too close, the door to far the tension and manner of life is stuck in ritualism and kabuki affronts. how dare i tread this pallet of expression and seek the damnation of my own self, what kingdom have i treasoned without care for my souls redemption?

centering times

second week at the center. there is the pressure of the energy, condensing, literally pressing down every time i sit, every time i stop and go within, it is present and powerful. the air is sharp with its presence and i hear a high vibrational whine at the edge of my hearing always. the altitude has some effect but its faded into the background as well. my daily walks sometimes start at 7000 ft now as the road to the summit has been reopened. the Chumash burial grounds disappear into the pine forest and the giant soldiers of the mountains reach to the earth from atop towering massive trunks of prehistoric bark. the reds and browns are like a carpet underneath the open spaces of the forest cover. hundreds of pine cones robbed of their seeds sit open across the rolling ridges of the mountain top. i talk in the mornings with my friend and we laugh and enjoy the intimate morning time. there is a pleasure in sharing that helps the day come easily and we are like lovers without bodies or children without parents. i wash the cup and coffee maker and listen to the jays chase each other around the feeding area beside the porch. what is love but being, there is no difference, to be is to love, how can you separate the two? the ananda has been constant, my self formed now to the point of an arrow let loose at the sun, unsure if the arc of my flight will fall near or far of the mark, but all i see is light and the wind is just the skin peeling from my face to hurry my ascent. love is my heart touching the end even as i begin, i know i am there,already done, the flames consuming everything. i feel a passion for the meditation, as it evolves through me, the silence the stillness almost like a lead sheet cast over me, then the expansion of the awareness and the filling of the body with the force, the widening and strengthening of the channels. i glide and all things are there flowing through me, i remain unmoving yet everywhere at once. the light descends the arms and legs disappear, one leg gone hands no longer touching but where are they. the body dissipates like the morning fog and there is only open light and space and i am that feeling of never ending expanding emptying unburdened yet full of the force, there is nothing to do, no where to go, no one to be, i am free.

places you inhabit

the times when the rock is your pillow and the weight of the world your blanket, the stars come out and laugh their merry way across the sky and you cannot budge from your earthly prison. all things end up in the lowest place you inhabit, the bottom of your dwelling consciousness, there the least of us takes root and stubbornly refuses to let go, we feel stuck to this place this muddy hole filled with our failures, even our successes are beneath us now. there is only the grace that can extricate our thinking, our feeling our aspiration from the habit of this place we find ourselves in again. why am i here, after all i have been through and all the heights i have scaled. is there no end to this? its never ending, and every low is the next high and every contraction just builds our strength for the next expansion. its like exercise, you need it to feel better but sometimes it doesn't feel good to be trudging that extra mile or getting up early or setting out after a hard day, but when its over, the body feels wonderful, the endorphins come and the reward is there. so remember the next time you're down, and stuck and upset, this is just the beginning of the workout, the most contracted moment, don't dwell on it, move on go to the next level and feel the freedom of the energy you can bring to your life.

behind awareness

the world inside on a Saturday morning, the collapse of the days expectations into the realm of the spirit through silent still consciousness. i sit in my loose yet warm apparel as the morning chill at 8am still pervades the house. the mountains outside still frosted with white from last months snows. the temperature at waking at 6am was 24 degrees.
i collapse on my pillows in my small knotty pine room curtains drawn against the morning light. my eyes close and i begin the examination of what is before me, the lights the colors the memories that continually surface across the mind. i feel my thoughts running as an undertone to the experiences of the mind. examining the bright experiences and colors the memories bring i begin to look closely at the field of the mind. i attempt to still the excitement.internally i blink and everything settles, the dancing memories vanish. i see a giant ocean of light filled with bubbles in a huge glass chamber. it stretches across my field of internal vision. then suddenly i see a image jump to one side, i feel the pull of a memory of yesterdays evening meditation, a sudden jump to my returning home tomorrow. a stream of events explodes like wildfire and an emotion stirs like a burnt ocher sweeping across the vision. i suddenly blink internal and consciously banish everything from the mind. it stills again to the ocean filled with bubbles of light in the huge vaulted chamber. I am understanding now, this six dimensional holographic sensory induction transducer is the mind. each bubble a storage for memories, a recorder and an amplifier as waves of excitement come from the senses or the feelings, the tiny bubbles become excited, the one that reaches its peak soonest is quickly amp;lified by all those around it and soon its playing across the entire field, the sense of identification and ownership, the ananda of the attachment to the objects displayed is full and intense. everyone would want to have one of these. I blink internally and banish the existing bubbling visions, the ocean gleams from a million surfaces of quiescent bubbles. i notice there is a line of spoken words underneath the ocean, noting, this is interesting, so thats how this works. these words are not setting off the bubbles. they dont seem to be coming from the mind and are not associated with the experiencer myself that is identified with the mind. it seems to be coming from behind me. i try to pinpoint the occasional words i hear. i imagine these must be like some kind of command line interface to the holographic inducer. a back door that allows for the occasional patch or upgrade. i feel the words coming from the right side of my neck a little below the bend of the chin under the ear.i sense a separate awareness, i feel something strong there and dis attached from what is going on. I am attaining the silence of the mind, pre banishing any input that might set off the bubbles. i suddenly imagine this construct of awareness like a set of interconnected rooms in a odd shaped tower, and as you progress upward the faces and bodies change, i remember seeing my father in a small cubicle that looked like it was a bell tower and i climbed upon him and reached up the door above and enereted a highest room made of knotty pine and a sparkling light shone from every surface.suddenly i am in emptiness, everything is still and as i approach almost physically the spot where i sense this other awareness i feel an almost unnatural stoppage of time. suddenly i grasp the location and sink my fore consciousness into this hind wareness. as i do the entire mind vanishes, the holographic display is gone, the screen empty. i experience a physical pulling from the middle of my face as if every muscle on the right side is pulling ,turning to reach around to the spot where i have seated my awareness. i am grunting with the pressure and effort as slowly i feel my awareness relocate in this spot in my neck, i cough and realize i am i n the exact spot that has been causing this dry cough throughout the entire silent retreat and the week since. here is the seat of unattached awareness, and my meditations have been pushing on it causing irritation and itching in the very tissues where it sits. i sense there is no holographic construct here, i sink instead into an unending galactic night of exploding stellar detritus and ring stars and expanding dark matter for untold eons of time and distance. i fall and float rise and roll through the universe and the energies suddenly still me, and begin to descend into this unmoving consciousness and into the form that is seated still around me. the world becomes unknowable as all thoughts are gone and words are unutterable. i remember the sense of awareness descending down my spine through every chakra, every vertebrae being pressured and twisted into perfect alignment, the heart unleashing waves of unending bliss, the lower chakras pushing brilliant cobalt energies through this point of awareness. slowly i descend into the first chakra and through lifetimes unremembered. 5 hours later. i surface, still cross legged, fingers frozen, my eyes glued shut, requiring me to wet my hands and rub them on the tangled eyelashes. i am not in my mind and there are no thoughts, i exist and i sense my awareness in the back of my neck. unattached to the mind or any part of the front of the head. i stand like a new born frakensteinian creature adjusting to legs too long and eyes too high. i am alive.

the retreat road

sans that which is not me, i live for thee and thine and all that it may be for us. for here is the being supreme and nothing remains of that human desire machine now all is one and that is what i am. now its become a part of me like a hand or foot but closer like a heart or lung but deeper like my very soul born to me. i am here in the heart and there is none but that. incredible as it may sound, its become real in this life, both the knower and the known, the truth and the seeker as one. it began on the friday before the retreat, the long drive in the rented GMC 4x4 while the toyota was being repaired from its horrendous accident. all life had ceased behind me as i wove my way for hundreds of miles through the cop fueled frenzy of the easter vacation week families and friends heading for mammoth and points beyond. i sneaked through the barricades slowly and made it across the border to nevada. safe at last or so i thought, only as i drove sedately through gardnerville a street accident just a block in front of me had bodies on the road as from behind me emergency vehicles and the police raced to recover the victims. i turned around and went south of town and circled back to the road, glad to have put the carnage behind me. i serenely folowed the traffic through the south carson city traffic past the hwy 50 to lake tahoe turnoff where i could feel the pull of galilee just 14 miles that way. i was in athe slow right lane of traffic enroute to my brothers center in washoe valley when i noticed the car in fron of me suddenly hit his brakes and turn to the right hand side of the road, looking into my rear view mirror there was the dark brown form flashing the universal red white and blue lights of certainty from the masters of the streets in uniform and cap. i pulled over quickly and he came to my right side. "Was i doing something crazy? I was driving pretty careful or at least i thoiught iwas. he looked at me with his corn pone face and drawled as best a yakee neveada highway patrolman could. naw your driving okay, but your tags are expired. he grinned that gotcha look and had everything but the tothpick twirling in the side of his mouth. Well i countered , thats weird, caiuse its a rental!" I noticed it after i got the car with no gas, the gave it to me empty and when i was filling up i noticed the march tags." I reached past the bags on my passenger floor and clicked open the drawer and pulled out my rental agreement from enterprise. He studied it thouhtfully, looking for a loophole. Well thats the darndest thing he said, why wouldnt they put the tags on? He looked at me with his coolest i guess you got me but im not done yet look, I could hold you responsible technically, you know, but i wont. Just get this back to california before you get a real ticket, and he went to report his missed chance to the dispatcher back at home base. I saddled up my pony and set the 5.8 liters to humming down the road. Bodies in the streets , hundreds of ticket crazy authorities for hundreds of miles, i was relieved to arrive at the center house on chipmunk lane, just in time for evening meditation. I fell into the inky nothing, all the road rubber dropping from my weary auora.

divine evolution

there are no tears but joyful bliss pouring from my heart and eyes. no weeping but the mantras of devotion and gratitude coming from my lips. this wonderful life this wonderful love i am lifes realization and the realization of living divinity. all that i am is the process of my being fully conscious of every expression of the truth that i am in divine awareness constantly. here and eternally the sacrifice is the pleasure of relinquishing my action, letting go my control, accepting what is that i am truly purposefully doing in every instant. hold me and i am you, see me and you see that which you have realized. all action is divine will, all life is divine manifestation and all of us are collaborating in the eternal process of that realization and the evolution of divine

manifest divine

mother was not interested in writing long books but they were written for her. she had but one message for her children: You are the manifest divinity, act accordingly.
What was simply present for her was the truly divine nature of every being on the planet. there are no undivine natures. Everything is already the divine, we are just at different degrees of being aware and accepting that. the only thing that can be done for the divine is to surrender to that nature, become part of the Divine's will consciously. now we are all unconscious of this, and that is what brings misery, we think we are not doing the right thing or getting what we want but that is because we think we are not the divine, that we are doing this and thinking that, but in reality all of our lives are part of the divine will. we have the freedom of choice, to be or not to be conscious of the true reality. we can not accept this and then think that the world is not in alignment with us, or we can become that which is our truth and see that everything bows to the supreme. All questions can be answered thus, does what you are asking take you towards the divine aspiration you feel within or does it move you towards some human desire. investigate your intention and your actions for all comes from the divine but when we choose to interpret what happens as being our own action, then we are separated from the knowledge of the truth, that we are the divine and all action is the force of the divine manifest in our lives.

home forever

a force more deeply felt is the strongest of them all. i experience my divine purpose and my divine surrender. I cannot do it myself. I realized i have run far enough, alone and willful and it is time to realize my true responsibility. this life is set to the one intention the divine purpose of manifesting the being in human form in the transformed state of physical reality. this is definite and cannot be avoided. it begins now.the work is already in motion, the action, the wave, the ocean we call the sea of being, we all share and are forever changed by each being seeking the truth and realizing its own validity. we are that universally and individually. now it is time to do that which will propagate its coming. the realization that all is done by the divine for the divine can mean only that all we need to do is to move into alignment with that and all is done for you. that is where i have come and will stay. what is life but doing that which makes the spirit true to itself, the heart in perfect alignment with all that it can hold. i am forever reborn and resurrected as befits this Easter morning in only a few minutes. Here is my declaration, this world shall be moved into alignment with the transformative energy of love, that is the intention that shall not change.

purging freedom

the tempest stills yet i cannot. the light is ever present and never wavers from my sight.what is this life, this seeing beyond the vale of suffering, the long sought refuge of the soul. is this nirvana or nervous exhaustion that repeats each note of my hearts refrain? i touch the sun and it does not burn but cleanses every particle of flesh.the pain is in my mind demanding attention and pleading for some quarter of restraint, but the purging of the soul is unstoppable and the emptiness of the heart is unmovable. and there in the valley between i am torn to the four winds alive and a lie to living, a momentary realization of the divine, tossed without a care once love is done.expectations tumble into the crevasse of time and hopes pile up like tumbleweeds for every second is unbearable and the memories sing unending in the dustbowl of desire. perfection has no price and deaf ears lend their sympathy and laughter ever after the music ends. imploring and consoling, the dry wind has no friends, bringing the dead to every tree and village, come to witness and pronounce judgement on the living one more time and forevermore. where now the beasts of burden unyoked? freedom not yet won, unrealized, the sun still sets and moon evaporates with the darkness bleeding and the heavens torn. stand up, never rest for the reality is not over, the prize is still hidden and the lust of the demons is unquenched. hell is this world not the next and there is no place where man is free. woman chained to blasted rock and children held with bony hands, the last of them more welcome than the first.

whispering dream

last night the pumpkin orange flame of my tiny square candle pulsed with an odorful life. The heart in my chest beats a tiny riff into the mattress and i could not see the darkness in my dreams, only the knowledge of my inner eyes shone brightly. what is this sleep without sleeping, night without darkness, time without end, i rest and feel nothing stops, everything is here just unencumbereed by my senses now free to create where the senses would overrule.my meditation was the inside of the nuclear power plant in japan, the solid rods of plutonium,a brilliant thick cold heat engulfing me, unstoppable coughing as the force of a trillion suns pushed down through the isthmus of my throat, swallowing the intensity of existence, transforming near solid light into pure energy. My being dissolves and the world is gone, i see a powerful cube of blue gelatin throbbing with life and power, every cell of existence driven by its force, i am the second wave the descendant of its meaning, a creature borne off and huddled in the shadow, not to hide but to protect the silence from the rhaspsody of its desire.the slumber of my heart is filled with longing and time is created to make it endless.i feel every moment like a knife cutting slivers from my heart. when is the truth to be free, the light to rise, release the sense of being to become once more. my self is dreamlike and whispering the prayers of the deceased anointing the flesh and preparing the passage of the fading creation to unmanifest being.hold back the light and the night, bring undying laughter to the dead, where souls collide in graveyard ceremonies, here come the faithful and the forgotten, never done, never gone, always with us.trembling like a broken heart, my freezing limbs collapse and the truth is clear, what i came for is not what i am finding, the light is not the dew of dawns breath and the dark is never empty, all is forsaken their meaning and one is the end of all things.

becoming that

i am becoming that, the unknowable, the immaterial, unmanifested nature of being. where we all connect. in the process my life is being shredded and burned. Its all beyond recognition. from last year to this i dont know who that person was, or who is taking his place. when i wake in my meditation rooom, the energy so strong i feel the pulse of the universe in every atom of my being, expanding every bit of awareness into unbelievable sensations of bliss.LOVE HERE NOW, every instant filled with the sensation of creation, the elixir of being distilled from the moments of love expanded to the timelessness of awareness, brought into the physical from the love of the divine. this is the magic we experience that has no name. can there be reality that is not this? the truth is here in this moment complete and unchanging forever accessible and open, hidden by our thoughts and distractions. this is it. i feel the collapse and the explosion of the shell of thought and circumstancve that we calll the self.the one that has a place and a moment of existence and is lost immediately when truth intersects awareness. i awaken and the world is gone. the ocean of love revolves in the field of awareness swirling the divine melting. one light shines and all is that brilliance shining from every pore of my being wrapped in the knowledge of the unspeakable.i am living and beyond life,beyond the worry of death or its patient resurrections. flight sings and the eternities whisper by untouched. slipping within an emptiness filled beyond understanding,i cascade through the music of the dancing universes,what can be, is and all else becomes realized through loves surrender.

me almighty

my devilish pride returns and the day is just started, i see something and i am proud, i feel something and it is mine. what it is or where it comes from is of little importance for it is the i that aquires and hoards for eternity. what worm of desire is left uncoiled or spore of avarice loosed to the wind. i abounds and envelopes all it can imagine, there is no end to vanity.not only mine but my childrens to their last generation and all that came before me. let this mountain of manifest insanitynever end. for what purpose infinity but mine and all i can require.the flakes of snow my merest whims the oceans of unending water but tears of my longing for more.the very space of the stars the room for my dreams, what passionless existence this would be without my owning everything and making more while i digest what ive already taken. each sweetness my compassion each meanness my irritation, each ecstacy my anticipation of more that has yet to be.

held briefly

what heavenly potion this night
one drop and surely i will die
for the first taste is supreme
and all others disappear
i am the wandering dervish alight in a found land
the likes of which enchant me
and i begin to twirl and skitter and fly
until even i vanish in the spinning wind
the music drives me unto the temple of love
where all time ends
and the world holds me in its dream
i cease and surrender
the play and passion pushed beyond the barriers
the simple truth exposed
i am no more
and never will be
again

outside myself

i do things, that doesn't change. the motivation does, the reason i do something has different triggers now. the response is empty, i dredge up a feeling a thought, i sit with the notion it is happening somewhere on some level of consciousness. what it is i am, is not here, not connected, aware but not caught up, feeling and then forgetting.whatever i am here for, is done, everything that is happening is just to see if i still have attachments left. all are transitory.i talk and no one hears. i find those i know disappear as i fade, they are already gone.what i see is that which is in me and not anything outside myself.i have great capacity, yet i feel that which is negative is as strong as that which is positive. to let one happen creates the opening for the other. how do i do this, to let that which i am exist with that which i manifest. all is pure but not all is bearable. its a free wind that clears all and carries no burden. here there is the emptiness filled with pain, let the wind blow.

i have come to india the land of madness and delight. there is no other words for it. there is chaos and destruction and creation and beauty everywhere. in my safe abode in the natural setting of Auroville, i feel safe and peaceful secure from the maddening hordes and wild panic of the streets of pondicherry. yet even there i am at peace and in the flow. in the auto rickshaw or riding my insufferable moped, dying and missing and banging against its tiny dented metal frame. I feel the freedom and the satgnat progress of man in his crumbling edifices of being, piling rock and dirt against the crumbling facades of the ancient roads.here is the heart of the spirit and here i am welcomed more than anywhere i have ever gone. the mother in her force from her maha samadhi, from the moment i entered the ashram, i placed my head upon her samadhi, and then walked to the wall and sat in my simple lotus, the energy descended and did not stop, tears of pain and grief overwhelmed me when i realized that this had always been mine but through my own blindness and ego driven life i had kept myself from her love, then the ecstacy began and the tears flowed unending. I sat in her brilliance and flame throughout the morning, her energy descending in the form of a billion candles raining down upon me. i was emptied and wrung out and burned and my ashes scattered to the nearby bay of bengal, and what remained was the soul of my love for her and hers for me, the recognition of this tiny heart by the infinite love of her supermental being humbled me beyond existing. i barely made my way with my brother and his ex wife, my friend from seattle and i remember the light everywhere, blinding me, taking my heart to the edge of the universe. we sat outside a simple seaside cafe and ate humble food in peace and love, i was truly transported from this world i know. yet this was not the end of my pondicherry trek, the next morning the samadhi again and again, i was at the wall in love with her and the energy gently flowing, i went to meditate at the darshan chanmber of sri aurobindo and while sitting in silent contemplation in the crowded tiny hallway, we were suddenly instructed to get in a line up the stairs.Up to the study and living quarters of the master where he performed all his work without ever leaving for 25 years. I knew this must be some mistake, because we simple humans are only allowed to go up there on our birthdays and you must obtain a pass from the very strict keeprs ofthe ashram, which of course i had not. I was the last in line and all those before me had a slip of papaer, the man at the top of the stairs asked me, No Pass? and i said, no pass, and he shook his head and waved me through. I entered his vestibule filled with the artifacts of his life from the 1920s through the 50's. I was instructed to sit and directly before me were the 4 stuffed leapords baring their long dead teeth and staring at me with their glassy green eyes. I sat in contemplation with the 50 odd others and waited for what i did not know, but i did know i wanted to enter his study where the rest of the group was waiting. Soon a small chime sounded and we were all told to rise and walk through his study for darshan. i saw my brother ennter before me and my other brothers ex wife also sneaking in, then it was my turn and i felt an incredible vortex of dense energy descend through my crown chakra and the very light of existence was made real in me and i felt my tears hot upon my cheeks and the familiar heat of my blinding truth come back to me, here i am seen and recognized by the very forces i have come to know as my personal benefactors since my awakening in April, here the truth is writ large and without question, i am accepted into the very heart of the universe and all it holds dear is that which i am. i am loved by the universe and the forces of the divine. I felt the vortex fill me and expand me beyoind all measure of my devotion that has been so weak and my faith so small, yet nothing questioned me no words or feeelings but gratitude and wonder filled me and i cried as they directed me to accept the pursad of the master and wander dazed out through the vestibule and return to the mahasamadhi of the collabporators of the supermental force. I placed my forehead and my burning face against the cool stone and cried with joy again at their altar of eternal devotion. they who would want no worship or religion based on their teachings. The billion candles of the mother had become a billion flames of transformation then an ocean of flame and finally a universe of red flowers blooming as i sat dazed and tearful against the wall of the ashram.