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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Cinco de mayonaisse

It isn't the morning after but the post expansion awareness that greeted me as the waterfall of sound cascaded from my tiny clock. I wandered through my consciousness and tried to pick out where i was, what state existed for the human in the meditation room, waking from a long journey with the SAT. I had felt the force for three days unending it seemed though there were periods when it seemed to lighten so i could function without the pain of contraction. But today i felt a similar lightness a clarity of senses without the sharpened breathing the hum and buzz of the vibration, the teeth chattering chit and overwhelming ananda. it seemed that there was a end to the play of the senses expanding from the gift of the divine.and the words of my brothers conference talk of the night before continued to resonate with me, this feeling that the divine was making love to me the presence of unknown forces pulsing through me. I was the chosen and no reason was given except i was. now is the morning of my recollection and return to separation, both appealing and dreaded for with every pulling back of the experience was the half felt fear that it may not return, that somehow i had ended my connection through some unknown act of my ego. It was not knowing why it had come so unexpected that brought the fear for what could as unknowingly drive this love away.
in my history of days this would be a good one a candidate for sampling and comparing, for everything moved with a singular motion truth was present, expansion was small but felt and love was through me constantly but as held source not overwhelming expansion, and i could have perfect communications on a human level with my friends and coworkers without the universe connecting through the top of my head.
My poor boss got in to a discussion with me regarding working more days from home and he brought up all his doubts and fears regarding my and gregs continued employment and how one had to always be here and the while he as my friend wanted to support me in my experience as the new "swami Tommy" he didnt feel he could trust swami tommy to actually be available when he was working from home. As i tried to explain and he would not hear, when at work and experiencing the force , i was practically unable to function due to the constant interactions with the other living beings in my awareness and that those interactions filled me with ananda and left me helpless to focus except in painful contraction on my work. But when i am at home and in the force, i am alone and can easily slide between the force and the focus i need to maintain my work duties. but he could not understand and so it was left that i could start taking 2 days , non consecutive to work from home every week, and for that i am grateful, but know this will drive me from this job much quicker than if i could take three or even just permanently work remotely.
But i am soon caught up in the whirlwind of tasks and meetings and the day is broken in two by my happy walk in the wilderness where anytime i tried to sit and meditate groups of people would come walking by over and over. Today i saw thirty or more people on the trails, where yesterday i did not see a one. as i returned in my appointed time, as i dressed in the little executive bathroom, i realized i had not been wearing my glasses the entire walk, and yet everything seemed perfect as i had sat and watched the play of the sea birds over the ponds.
The afternoon passed effortlessly and the love of my life was constantly sending me messages of her ananda and expansion as she went through what my day before had been.
her realizations thrilled me to the core as i found her divine love expanding into mine and i flew through her preparations for the upcoming union we both could feel is soon and powerful and endless.
All the way home we talk on the phone and my love grew and grew and my face melted and heart flowed and the force began its descension from her to me and from the undying source of all love and we swept through the miles together.
Home i was not in a hurry to run to the meditation and even had a piece of pizza as i hugged my wife and loved my home and family. I felt settled when i finally decided i would sit and meditate and see what would come, and in a minute the force was deep and my head sagged to my chest and breath short and unnoticed and i felt both unconscious and aware of perfect peace and brilliant energy sweeping through me.
after two hours i felt the world returning and the dim night filtering through the shades. I cast myself out to the kitchen and prepared a cup of the instant decaf and felt the warm thin taste fill my now lukewarm body.
I sit in the darkness with greg and listen to the recording of my brothers talk and the silence and the dark bring a warmness and a closeness to his being through the magic of the instruments of man to share across the world that which was never possible before. And the darkness completes as the sounds end and i feel still and silent, changing to my swim suit and take 20 minutes in the hot warm jets. when i return , my love is on line and just returned from her evening walk-run in the park and we chat and suddenly iam looking at a screen filled with gibberish and i am trying to write something but my fingers cant find the keys that now look like flattened rocks the size of a quarter but i cant see the letters and i dont know what the words are and i See my love laughing and saying ok lets go back to english now. and i struggle to just write, i am fallg sleepe and stumble in a trance to my bed and wander in my dreams through empty volumes of my mind.

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