Sunday gone meditating

the thought is the mother of the action, though sometimes it becomes the child of the reaction. the time before waking is the emptiness that is never filled, the particular expression of the consciousness in unconsciousness. for there the mind is undirected by our will or our compulsions, unlimited by any standards of the personality. the freedom allows the mind to assimilate every sensation translated into the neurological system, even those that arise from the experience or non experience of the SAT. the negative space defines the rest of the composition, the silences and pauses in the sounds and actions, allow what comes before and after to resonate and create anticipation, for inside we know what we want to happen and we have the satisfaction of what has occurred. there must be emptiness around everything, else all would become timeless and without space. for time and space are the measures of emptiness, the distance and the slices of the clock, waiting till the next beat the next object, the next awareness. so as we drop into the emptiness, we become attuned to the fullness, the range of existence for we have a set on its boundaries and its limits imposed by the sheer lack of experience that is contained in and around each instant of existence in our neurological response. so it is with dreams that all these awarenesses become a jumble of unworldly experiences that create havoc with our senses of time and space. for the brain has an undecipherable ability to store these sense memories in illogical structures that exist unknown to the observer, the experiencer. for where does a smell go that belongs to a moment of unequaled discovery in a persons life and how do you attach a feeling to a face and the sense of rising where you fly yet never have you flown with wings or rubber legs. these sensations exist in full experience in the memories and the energy structures yet none are instantly attainable unless we have recently experienced them. but they are attached where we cannot find them to things that are somehow made to be related by a part of our consciousness that we cannot experience. yet we are the experiencer if only for this life and this form and we are not the controller of the memories but only the experiences, so where do the memories go and what is the purpose of maintaining everything where we cannot access it except by accident or stress.
the world awakens me with its insistence that i experience, its requirement that i continue to be a mass of knotted energies sustained through consciousness made into matter and that the true meaning of this function of the descent into the layers of density is the experience of the bliss that is the awareness in matter that we are the experiencers for. and for that, i am happy to be alive, aware and in full possession of my human and divine faculties for this life.
the early hour is 3:45. the stretching is a blessing for the body and mind. i feel the immediate spark of wide awareness and am fully ready to engage. the cats already are waking and expecting. i care for them as the coffee brews and the toast burns and the pills pop with the drowning of the shake i make for my bodies continued happiness. the spark of expectation is in me and i feel the days ending with the smell of its opening. there is a liveliness and an emptiness that is unrestrained and allows me to be without thinking it. by the time i finish my post of saturdays experiences i am ready to create new ones in my life. I start by setting the baseline for my awareness through connecting to the SAT. i sit in the room of my dreams and reality combined and allow what will be to be. I Wonder at first if i am in tamas still or if i will experience a new direction a shift to the clear and empty satwa of my spirit.
the darkness of my center is full of undiscovered light. i feel a great lifting or is it everything is dropping away. i float in my being and feel the wash of the chit across my forehead and the smear of the warm buzzing beehive of energy descending. but this time it is not down to my lower chakras, nor is it stuck in the seventh, instead the intense carbonation of the force enters my face and every opening is filled and there is a quality of light and activity in its purpose. i feel the force throughout me buzzing but in the eyes and nose and sinuses and jaw there is infinite activity unrestrained. for two hours this continues without a break and it si not tiring or painful but fully involved and powerful like a pressure wash of the senses. the force relents and relaxes as if letting me know its done its ordained duties in my earthly neurological system and i collapse to the floor in gratitude and thankful prostration.
i exit my perfect hall of the SAT and feel normal but alive the force still buzzing in my energetic centers. i see the clock, the time shows over three hours gone by as i am unaware of the time passing in the meditation. I prepare myself for my daily sojourn and set forth with a pace of determination but carrying almost no weight. i think of the days of backpacking when we would carry the 65 pound packs and after a week when the food was gone and useless items burned, the packs would be down to 45 pounds and we would feel like there was no weight and we could practically run with our lightened loads. like wise the continued weight loss has reduced my body by 20 pounds and my legs are feeling the spring of their strength being more than i need to lift this lightened load. Again i marvel completely at the amazing wild bird refuge of the south eastern end of the lake where a small finger of the estuary sits out of the turbulence of the main body and there in the dead trees half sunken thousands of egrets and herons and fowl of every description are nesting for the coming summer. the bushes are aroused with blossoming purples and whites and yellows and blues abound on every bush and grass and tree. i sing with the living earth and my connection in every particle unending and am filled and fulfilled in the communion of the form and energy of existence recreated eternally.
the pace never slackens and the swift return to my loving domicile is a full five minutes before any previous duration, not that i experience even a moment of time passing during my walking. for it is revealing of the experience not a acquisition of sensation but the exposure of the timeless relationships of the energies of life. my wife asks if i would go to the store and get milk eggs and my daughter needs a thumb drive and one to replace the one she lost that her boyfriend loaned her. I agree and decide to attempt going to costco, but first an hours meditation will be needed as i feel the SAT descending uncaring of my scheduling.
I sit showered and cleaned and in my shorts and t shirt and feel the sat descend immediately, i hear the dishwasher in the kitchen noisily cycling and i feel the conflicting of the processes but then i hear as if emerging from the noise a deep basso profundo vibrational tone in the back of my head and the volume quickly expands to block out any other sounds and there is like a swelling of the very low note and my head begins to vibrate and as it does the note becomes a lower tone and begins to descend down my spine the vibrations becoming lower and lower as it descends my entire spine vibrating with it and then it connects to the root chakra and my entire system feels this subsonic vibration that fills me with the need to empty everything from my body. i sit with the deepest vibration i have ever felt much like an earthquake at the edge of perception might rock the senses. after a short time i have to go to the bathroom and i get up and do so. i realize that there is a tremendous crown of energy on the top of my head and the vibration rushing down my spine continuously. I experience it regardless of what i do or what actions i take, I do go to the store and purchase the needed items in perfect equanimity although when i left the house my wife took one look at me and asked, do you need me to drive you? i dont think you should be driving. and from my high and distant vantage point i could see her love and tender wonder but i wanted to experience this amazing connection this profound vibration of being in me in the world of action. I was completely calm and peaceful, i had no care but for this wonderful passenger in me and its forceful message of transformation. when i returned unscathed and with everything needed, i returned to my meditations and another 2 hours disappeared in constant flow and energetic peace. I felt full of the energies of the intellect and the understanding of the spiritual process of the spirit and the descent into matter and the intense yogamaya the world is experiencing and realized there is no escape for the spirits in the bodies, the density and attachments have become so filled with tamas and have been so long separated from the ananda of the form that there would have to be an end to yogamaya in the most biblical process the ending of the forms ability to contain spirit. I know this is the mission of my brother, to awaken the experience of the ananda and detach the spirits from the bodies as quickly as possible before the inevitable recurrence of the 27,000 year cycle completes. eventually a new form would emerge and a new cycle of spirit descending into matter would renew and the ananda would be pure and unattached and the perfect balance of the bliss in matter would be re-established. All things seemed so clear and inevitable on the human plane. there are no secrets in the flesh only energies waiting for manifestation.
I write a lot this afternoon and spend a deal of time chatting with my love before she leaves to her program that she presents for her many devotees in the great basin of los angeles.i am alone and with my family in form only, for we occupy the same house and we care for each other but there is no need or drama going on, just the day to day activities and i am so pleased with the natural state of our lives. i enjoy an early evening jacuzzi and am welcomed with pure warmth of the form to match the warm flow in my energetic being. There is only me and sky and the newly arranged back yard whos orderliness is pleasant to look at. the night is uneventful and i listen to my brothers interaction on the Saturday of the weekend retreat an feel such affinity for his ferocious determination and familiar voice. i am truly moved through his 2 hour recording and send him my feelings in a quick e-mail. I see the certainty of my development over the last 10 years and the process of my constant awareness of the emptiness and the realization of only that in every state of spiritual practice that i have been involved in. each time i felt that i must have been missing something, others would have amazing visions and experiences and i found only the blank wail, i spent years in clairvoyant practice, with no thing to guide me relying only on the emptiness to supply me with my awareness. through it all i was on the threshold of the SAT, but had no name for it. I was in the obscurity yet had surrendered everything. i did not work to aggrandize anything for myself, i had nothing but what was needed and spent all my money extra on my own spiritual quest or to help others. finally my disease had taken away even my attachment to this form and my very ability to control living. I was fully in the motion to be prepared for what has come to be in these last six weeks. and no wonder it has been like a ride on the worlds biggest roller coaster at speeds i never imagined were possible in my connection to this unknowable truth.

the night is long and by the time my love returns to the IM after her program, i am tired but happy and find my self tripping to my room for the adventures in consciousness that i know will never end.