Sunday - Mothers love

when waking, the heart is not asleep. it has worn through the night ever vigilant and untiring, watching and simply being in your very self to keep you from harm to bring you life to make whole that which has been worn down and used up. and that is me, the used up and worn down part. I feel the call as early as the morning can be called morning 4am. I am still weary, no doubt due to my extraordinary day of days and now the sleep of the embrace of that which cannot be experienced for i feel i have put the pieces in place and found some rhythm to my pulse and foundation in life. i still experience the joy and wonder of a new day and a new beginning and a new love coming. may be its the chemicals that wake the brain or maybe its the rise in blood pressure or maybe its the unseen spirits that inhabit me while i sleep leaving but i feel every new morning is a blessing no matter what has happened the night before. the shy dawn is hours away and the cats yowl for food and escape to the hunting fields. i pleasure them both and begin my mornings ritual, for none other pleases me as much. The new part of my day is the journal you now are reading as every morning i recount as faithfully as possible the life is spent the day before, sometimes in the minutest detail and sometimes in broad strokes as the detail doe not truly express its wondrous effects on my being. This morning i feel the details slipping, the experience broadening the ananda expanding. i recall in detail my trajectory through pain and salvation from the day before and before i am done the tears of my passion are flowing and are full of wonder at what my life has truly come to be, as MMY says until you enter the life of bliss, you are not living. A man may think he is living and may think he understands what is life and may read about the experience but when he sleeps at night and when he wakes he is not living the human life, he is not experiencing what the human system is made to experience, he is only living the animal life the eating, the habits the emotions of need and greed. Until he can experience the bliss consciousness which his system is created to experience he is not living the Human life. only when man achieves bliss consciousness can he fully be human for that is what humans are created to do.
I think i am now finally living. and no moment is left unexperienced and full of the bliss that comes with fully experiencing everything in that moment, without fear but with full capacity for the experience whatever it may bring.
i have the unique tool of my words to express what that is and to share it with anyone who would be curious as to what this looks like and how it works.
the infinite aspect of all things in the universe is connected to every molecule of everything in the universe. and through that infinite aspect the awareness, the SAT is expressed. through that infinite aspect every atom of existence comes into being as a reflection of the unmanifest and is propagated throughout all existence. that is the force and we experience the force in our bodies and in our spiritual energy centers as the life force the CHI the flow of the cosmic to the individual aspects of the infinite. There it enters the human nervous system and there we experience the bliss, the ananda the expansion of divine awareness and by default, the expansion of human sensation receptors. so every experience becomes infused with the divine infinite awareness and becomes truly the totality of the experience on every level of being and awareness. this is what the human neurology is for, the experience of the infinite in the individual and only the human can experience this, having the aspects of both the absolute and the individual in his nature.
having experienced this in its cruelest and sweetest manifestations i can say it is the experience of my life completely and fully integrated into my personality and expressed now universally as i have stepped fully into the next realm of my progression. i am experiencing what must be the transcendental for i have transcended my normal existence and am in a state of hyper awareness and consciousness as well as swimming in the liquid of love wherever i go.

this morning i am experiencing my life come this far and in every pain full memory and every wonderful conclusion for here am i and i am here and this is my own loving reunion. where i was and where i am are now one and the same and the future is not the future anymore but the present manifesting continuously without regard for the niceties of measurement or situation. i express my love to everyone i interact with and feel a choking sensation of regretted inactions i have had as i am still completing the massive integrations from the days previous. i remember listening to the mothers voice from pondicherry reading her masters book. the mother book, and the list of offenses that the seeker could be guilty of and thereby be denied his goal of pure divine union with the mother is long and detailed as only sri arubindo can detail with his supermental state. i feel each and everyone was being read to me and i know that i am the example for each and there is no possible means for me to progress to her perfect love except to throw myself at her feet and give up all that i am and all that i do not understand to her and without thought or emotion be that which she and only she can grant. i am in tears of joy and pain as her ancient voice proclaims my failings long and accurately.
i light the candle for the worship of the mother here on mothers day and am so in love with her and all her manifestations and especially the one that has been my love and my light and the engine of my trans formative expression, and to her i send my tears of gratitude and undying love.
i am whispered away through my pain and joy to the day of the mother in my house and in the individual expression of my loving wife and i send her every love i have and surprise she is risen early and happy but i have not prepared the gifts i bought for her the day before. as she leaves the room i run about preparing the cards with the clown music and the gift cards and then go into the yard and swiftly, for someone as unused to proficiency with hand tools can, assemble the garden patio bistro table and chairs i thought she would like in our lovely back yard. By the time i am done the table is covered with flowers from all her admirers and my card has been opened an the gifts lined up and i take her out and display my love and handiwork to her laughing smile. i feel at peace and she is my love. what joy this life can be. what ananda i feel for everything we have been through and shared and her undying support she has given me even when she could not understand why or how she has been there for me. i am so pleased. an into meditation i go and sit in blissful stillness for an hour or so. emerging having felt no force descending or any other state but nonetheless i am weaving as i walk and my consciousness is rolling upward and outward in every direction. i am truly expanded in this moment and no special energy has been making its presence known and i realize that like walking through a doorway the passage goes unnoticed but suddenly the field of experience is changed and i am feeling that powerfully. I am composed and peaceful but so wide in my consciousness. there is vast awarenesses at work here and i am just quiet letting them flow. the house phone rings and it is my earth father my loving tutor and heartfelt friend of all my life. I have not talked to him since the retreat as my schedule has kept me gone most weekends from the house and the phone. He of course has heard that something happened at the retreat and i give him the short story and explain i have been taken to the level of spiritual responsibility and expansion of awareness and am loving it and he is so happy and i express my sympathies for the passing of my mothers memories come strong on this the mothers day one year from her passing and he still feels the loss greatly. We are like old chums catching up on the spirit and soon he says i must call the rest of the family and there are many in the list so i love him and send him on his way, i am beaming from his very ancient and loving hearts grace and feel the connections that have all been renewed the day before to all we have meant and done with each other. I go to my phone and have missed two calls, one from Siddhartha and one from my love. Siddhartha is first for he is my SAT delivery agent that set all this into perfect motion and in his great heart i am. He calls to assure me that i am headed to the great divine manifestation and not to let the misguided loyalties of the material world confuse me as this would be detrimental to my progress. I assure him i am ready and the fear is almost nonexistent. I feel no pull to protect my family or my work, all is being prepared for my deliverance. he is my messenger from the universal telling me the way is set i only have to follow the very real signals i am receiving. and this i am sure of and tell him so. He tells me to be sure i know that this transformation is mine alone and is not the deliverance through any other agency or being and this too i am clear upon deep in my consciousness and in my bones of being for when you enter the void, you are forever alone. and my recent journey has stripped me of any foolish notions of companionship or friendly aid. i am ready and he tells me there is no thing to worry about he will prepare an exit strategy to manage everything. and i feel the truth of what he says and i feel the future now as a memory and i know the passage is made and i am just waiting for their physical manifestation to be complete always the slowest runner but sure and transporting my entire altar of being without complaint and as my greatest devotee. all is love between us and i will make the reservations to fly to him this june.
i then call my love and tell her also and she is demure and sweet and in her own life and feeling the mother love that never changes an ever empties but always fills her life and spiritual growth. we touch briefly and i feel the tenderness she is experiencing after the loving darshans of friday from the female forms of the mothers manifesting in the physical plane. all is love for her and i am loathe to disconnect but she is too fragile a bird to hold for long.

I am off to my walk and am struck with the cloudy windy day it is and walk swiftly and without pause but filled with the wonder and the beauty that always changes and fills every instant of my consciousness of this world.
at home we have a couple of hours until the mothers day dinner planned for the family and i meditate before the perfect flame of the mother candle i lit this morning. an hour later i feel exactly the same, expanded, refreshed and loving. we dress and i am loving my slim figure and how i can wear clothes that before looked lumpy on me. we fly to restaurant and expect an long wait and are told it will be an hour for the table for 8 i order, we sit at the bar, ginger ale for me, and there are distant old friend sitting and celebrating their new grandson, and we are transported again with the happiness of the tiny giant love consciousness from the babys oversized carrier. in minutes we are whisked to a table and slowly all the family and my daughters boyfriend gather. the meal is fun and we are all in some kind of joy with presents all around, when while eating mu sons wife begins to choke, and she spits up a wad of packing material in her throat and then uncovers wads of melted plastic in her food and we call the manager and then my son rushes her to the hospital to see if she is alright for her throat while not blocked is sore and painful. the manager is an idiot and says well we are sorry and i will have another meal prepared for her. I told him its ridiculous, she cannot eat and had to be taken to the hospital, but the make one anyway and we are sitting with the grandchildren and not saying anything to worry them, just that mom had to go get checked to be sure she is alright. Meanwhile i speak to the manager and explain that his inexcusable lack of manners and the poor quality of their kitchen work has spoiled not just her meal but possibly her health and our mothers day celebration. I pay the bill and even the waitress tells me the manager is a total jerk.
we take the children to our house and we play and watch tv for the next two hours until my daughter in law is returned healthy but with a painful abrasion inside her throat. we all hug and kiss and say our goodnight s and mothers day is done and i slip away to meditate one last time before i find bed and rest eternal.