Wednesday of Love

the wednesday of the mind, the point of maximum effort or the lack of trying both get you here. I feel the early emptiness, in me and outside of me. there is only a darkness and the candle is out, the tiny flame that has burned for days is no more. the darkness deep and the light from my clock is the only illumination. i imagine that eyes shut would be as revealing.where do i go from here from this horizontal awareness, the sense of the horizons limiting my awareness and the dawn the harbinger of day and lessons yet to come. Is this the opening or the ending of what was started yesterday, the multiple experiences of every facet of my awareness brought to every interaction that occurs. some continue some are complete many are just the essence of what the moment is and the experience of that moment is still in passage through the tunnel of unending awareness. the divine is everywhere in this room. i feel it when i enter or leave, a delicious taste that fills my senses, i long to recline in the force yet it is only the moment of awakening. in me is the pulse, the vibration of the energy the divine that is unknowable but expresses its communion with me through the aliveness of this unspeakable grace. I feel every cell of my body coming into individual self awareness, a freedom of each cell to be its own force in the communion of the human body, no longer under the direction of this inhuman intelligence that has enslaved it for 60 years. now each cell can live its pure destiny of living as an entity of the huge consciousness that will enter all matter and free every unliving particle from its mantle of obscurity.and i in the darkness throw off my own mantle of human sleep and unconsciousness and embrace the unlightened surroundings and my personal shelter of divine creation. though four walls does not a heaven make, here there is potential for heavenly ascension. i find myself in the teeter totter of balancing on one foot poorly and i let go of my ankle and upright my spine. i have lit a new candle and the air is brilliant with its fresh manifestation. all is well as i continue my stretches and pulls and rotating until the final crack of the spine and i am awake and clear. all morning i sit with the energy in my crown waiting, the truth of the yoga maya and the spirits journey to the body and its evolution spelled out before me. I go to the computer to see the messages my love left from last night and the last one was sent at 10:30. I try to bring up my e-mail and get the recording from last nights teleconference and the internet explorer cannot display the page, and i discover it cannot display any page and the cable modem is fully lit up as it should be and i try the usual methods for reacquiring a fresh IP address and nothing works so i finally break down and call the dreaded cable company and quickly am passed to the help desk. All of San Diego is out and expected repair will be 6am. so i relinquish control and settle down to local resources and type into note pad my blog for the day. In it is my dissertation on the revelation of the spirits journey in the body and the evolution from the divine force. I am pleased with it and that is the opening to my days journal. and i write continuously for an hour then i make more phone calls as the 6:30 has come and gone and still no connection and then i start to fear i will need to drive to work without my internet and then make the decision to leave it in the hands of the divine and i go meditate. My morning meditation is light, the heavy pounding force is not there but the feeling is like sparkling champagne, light but effective, i am giddy with the feeling and know that every cell is being instructed and transformed within to accept the change from enslaved to self aware and alive connected to the source as i am. I relinquish my connection directly after an hour and still buzzing i go to the computer and am connected. I setup my computer and begin my workday, and i send my love a message for she has left me one while i was offline and we begin our day early and long. she mentions one interaction and i question her persistently to tell me what she feels in her system during this interaction, she seems to resist saying only i am just love, and i go on and on wondering how she can feel nothing else and i know in my system i am constantly aware of thousands of changes in my system as i interact with other systems and slowly she begins to give me information of what she experiences for she is the true channel of divine love and everyone who interacts with her is changed in her presence and she is so often unaware of this if she is not trying to consciously bring the force out from her system, she doesnt feel the force yet everyone around her does. I feel her questing to me, asking questions describing feelings and moving into many actions and telling me of her new and expanded realizations in her own system as the day goes on. I feel like we are suddenly connecting in perfect communion a rekindled openness that i often feel is denied since her departure. i am there with her and every neuron is stretching to include everything about her and her life and love and physical nature that is being tested and is in constant shift through the cycles of human and divine awareness. i talk to her of the nothing and the emptiness that i feel in me the divine undoing and the great release that gains all through the acceptance of emptiness, i feel the undesire that it brings and the cessation of want and need. My hunger is now that hunger, not hungry. when i experience the body signal of hunger i eat, i do not feel hungry which is a response to avoid the emptiness we all experience as humans, since our true source of existence is the unknowable which we are a reflection of. that which is, comes from nothing and we are eternally connected to that. She asks me what do you have to do to connect to this new force that i am connected to and she wonders, chant use a mantra ??? and i tell her you just let go, release and it falls into you when there is nothing between you and it. I begin to make puns of the sayings in everyday conversation, that was a lot of work for nothing
and nothing matters and theres nothing you can do, theres nothing to it, and i realize i am feeling so happy for she is starting to feel the pull to what i am going through, the amazing transformation that comes from the force of the evolution of the next form and consciousness for this plane of existence. i have to run to teleconference and i had started to warm my soup for the day, but had to let it wait until the conference ended since i was actively involved in the discussions. finally at 3:15 i am done and heat my soup and my appetite is good and i devour the entire bowl with some whole wheat bread. and i am full completely and satiated my hunger and that will be all the eating for this day. as the afternoon continues, i decide my day is done and i go to meditation with my phone in case a work issue should need me i would respond, and for the next 2 hours the force is like liquid fire throughout me and i am so vibrating and transforming in every cell i hear my body whimpering for a break a rest and some time to re integrate this new cellular consciousness with what is now the evolving form of the new creation of man. it is 5pm and the work is done I shut down and move to my other computer and send my revelations to Siddhartha as the Sadhana of the Flesh and i feel pleased with the result. I chat more with my love and i receive a e-mail from Siddhartha saying only, this is exactly correct, referring to my Sadhana e-mail, and wanting to share it with the group, and i am very moved for this is the validation i receive so little of, for there are very few who ever comment on my writing and even fewer who can truly understand it and only a couple who have had the experience and can validate what i have said. I am telling this to my love when her IM stops and after a while i call her and her IM has crashed so we talk and we become entangled in our love talk and our consciousnesses are one and it is like where we have always been but even more intimate for i can hear her breathing and feel every smile in her voice and i am the love struck manifestation of the evolved being come to find the very divine transformation of love in my very heart.there is no end to what this is and can become for the perfection of this is the connection of every atom of existence to the source of infinite love through our immediate connection to each other through our infinite manifestations in our unique individual beings. we part without separating and i go to my loving jacuzzi and enjoy the sunset and the warmth. I return to read the mothers agenda and fall into her every word until i realize i am her new creation and i am passing into her manifestation. the light of my awareness is ever on even as i find the time to sleep.