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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Friday tamas continues

the dragons tail whips the clouds into a frenzy as the lilliputian troop atop his back whoop and howl, leaping, holding one handed to their tiny tethers laced to his ridge backed scales of purple and green iridescent and glowing. the air was magnificent and the sun setting pinks and oranges though the vast and beautiful valley below. the wind of the monsters passage was fierce yet a darkness was floating down the edges of the sky without any reason and the blackness became total.
from the part of me that never sleeps and disdains dreaming an insistent urge replaced the joy of dragon flying and i whispered a silent thought as the room of my mattress and meditation seat blurred from sleepy eyes and the candle was glowing without any stirring in its burning light. 3:45 and still too early for sleeping as my almost 5 hours of subterranean nocturne was ended and turned to the ascent to daylight which is still hours away. i slip from my covers and the air is not cold and i marvel at the change of seasons and the pleasant nature of the southern climate in the spring.
i give recognition to the evolving body of my sixty years and feel younger than i have for the last 5. my form slender by comparison, the rejection of all unnecessary eating , drinking and the daily walk and now the yoga stretches that optimize the awakening process and push the newly rejuvenated blood to every part of my unmuscular frame. i love my new life. its uncomplicated pattern that always creates patterns of enrichment of the spirit and the early hours belong to me and the day yet to come. I rise from the final back hip twist on the floor that always provides the spine popping cracks that send a new wave of sensation to my brain and i lift my enlightened shell up and proceed to the kitchen for my morning pattern of break fasting.
all things perfect and the feeling of fullness without weight envelopes my stomach and i set to the morning blog and type with a clarity unusual even for me who would normally make a hundred mistakes in a thousand word session. here the descriptions are precise and inventive the narrative expansive and the descriptions detailed and in the 15 minutes of writing, i have encapsulated perfectly the results of my Thursday and its descent into contraction. Greg emerges packed and wheeling baggage, we hug heartfelt for all his help and loving support for my lonely process and he is off soon to states where there is no tolerance for the kinds of things we do everyday in the real west where men are spirit and riding horses is the occupation of timid adolescent girls.
i proceed to my computer designated for work, with the solid state drive and this light shell. its most endearing quality is that it boots in under a minute and i can start work as fast as i can hook up mouse and power supply. there is a mess of issues in abeyance from last evening and i begin the tracing and documenting of what has been done and outline what we need to try today. I get help from a longtime consultant friend and young seeker who has in the recent past become more ardent of his path due to our friendship. now we work focused on some issues with domain name translation and failed aliases. meanwhile another coworker has broken all protocol and scheduled a meeting for 8am this morning. the notice for his meeting was not sent until 8pm last night. i send him a terse message that i have other more pressing issues to work and will not be attending. greg however saves my face and graciously spends three hours exploring the data structures of the many application we support with the clueless architect who is modeling the existing designs.
I run through the troubleshooting scenarios for the issues i am working on with my friend and we are satisfied that the resolutions have been made. then we begin the reaquaintance of our spirits and a long conversation of my experiences with the force and the dynamic of the satchitananda ensues. he is full of questions and i tell him of the silent retreat and he want to do that. i try to answer all his questions and encourage him to meditate every day to break the cycle of habitual emotion based thought patterns that are troubling him. we part satisfied with our meeting on many levels.
my dear wife is cleaning all around me preparing the house for company as my love and her companion will be coming to visit today, though last night she was having sinus problems and went to bed early and i have not heard from her. as my wife cleans she complains that if i cannot support her and my daughter there is no way for them to support themselves. I tell her there is a part time job as a bakery clerk open at a wonderful german bakery just a few blocks away. this irritates her and she gets angry, she says she has to have a full time job with benefits or nothing. she cant be bothered with part time work where she has to be on her feet all day. i return to my work, unfazed as she mops around me at the kitchen table. I too wonder how much more time i have in this role as provider and husband and father. what am i becoming and what will happen to those i can no longer support. my dream is to become a writer of inspired spiritual discovery and how to type books and i dream of making enough from that and public speaking to still make this life bearable for my family. the real problem is this wonderful house. bought at the peak of the bubble it cost 4 times what my neighbors paid and like wise the payments are more than half of my generous salary. it would be impossible without that salary to live here and my wife and daughter insist they can never move from here so perfect is their life in these four walls.
soon the problems at work increase and the issues continue as the pressure cooker of the company is running on high heat. i stop at some point, lock the computer and dress smartly in shorts, blue tshirt big island hat and white sneakers,DCs, and off i walk at a tremendous gait fully focused on the instant of awareness as i live in my own bubble filled with divine consciousness. the trail is unbelievable and the walk enriching and restorative without measure. Again i am unaware of time throughout the sojourn. i shower and then return phone calls and e-mails. all day the giant servers are being overwhelmed and the directories and file systems are bursting beyond their limits and quick action must be taken to control the rising tide of critical data being pounded into computer screens by hundreds of yearning souls, working nine to five forever.
by the time the afternoon slips away, i am heady with the incipient feeling of the forces descent. i have only eaten 4 dried apricots for lunch and am hungry for meditation not food.i sit and the tamas version of the force enters swiftly. it is a lite version, low on pressure but high on energetic impulse. the electric feeling is like sticking my head into an open light socket. it buzzes like electricity from the crown through my legs, it descends in a straight line from crown to base and every part of my body is vibrating gently.the hours pass without thought and even in the tamas i do not feel any slowing of the clock. the two hours pass as if it was two hours and i rise to a clatter and loud voices from the kitchen. my wife and her old friend are here preparing bloody marys and getting ready for a night out. i take her friend aside for her husband and i have been long time friends and we are also both of italian blood. her eyes are heavy as i tell her of my transformation but i see the tiniest bit of dreamy desire for the experience in her eyes as i explain what i am going through, and its the weight loss everyone notices and gives my story its validation for i have never been a diet maven and have always carried 30 extra pound, two thirds of which are now missing. my wife whisks her away to secrets unknown upstairs where i never go and they finish their drinks and are off. the house is silent once more until a few minutes later my daughter returns from her part time work at the toy store. she too looks tired and asks me What is there to eat? and i walk her through the frozen section of the family supermarket and she rejects everything. i tell her i cant help her then and she gives my a what am i supposed to do look and slightly irritated goes upstairs to change. I used to always be sure to have dinner ready for her when she would arrive though sometimes it was not what she wanted, i would try to make sure she would eat, for she is so picky she used to literally starve herself. now though i feel no compunction to prepare her meals, for she is no longer a child and her fate is to feed herself.
i talk a little with my love on the road texting from her iphone. i am feeling filled with the force and its lineage of masters and history of the foretellers of the plagues and curses of the flesh that have passed and are yet to come. we chat for a few minutes as john the baptist might converse with the maiden at the village well and then she tells me her head is hurting from texting in the car, and i ask her where she is going and i get the smiley face and a Love You and she is gone. I feel loose and disconnected from all. my wife upset, my daughter dissatisfied, my love gone to nameless destinations for unknown reasons and i in my fortress alone and dry tonight. I write listlessly and decide to torture my readers with my thoughts, dark and perverse as they are. i even take the texted conversation with my love and publish that for the edification of my worldwide audience.
i am not in a happy mood, somber and puzzled by my dark purpose and wondering the meaning of the force and its choice of me, of all that there could be in the world and is this a meaningful occurrence or just the chance of birth and relationship and proximity. and for what is that a license to be, a spiritual example, a poster child for the movement that has crushed every previous master in the rush to commit dreadful acts in the name of righteous following and fervent devotion. how would my tenure differ for i would say the same things the same divine principles for the unknowing but interested and feed them their required spiritual dose before they retire to their fornication and entertainments that precedes it.
i listlessly break some copyright laws downloading the recordings of MMY from a web site that is being sued by the TM foundation for releasing his recordings free and to everyone as the yogi would have wanted, but the truth is hidden by the keepers of the tomb and the diviners of the records and their path is to create the denial of his words even as they collect money for their efforts.
at 10 my love comes online, i feel vaguely irritated and know the tamas is twisting up inside me constricting where before there was loving expansion.I long for the release and the expulsion of the darkness within. for now i feel to be bored and tired of the mindless task of downloading. she tries to speak to me and i answer in monosyllabic replies and some times just close the window with the petty irritation of her passive interests. i need true companionship sometimes and especially when i am in these dark moods, someone with a bright and interested mind, now is not the time for two tamas ridden souls to communicate. i feel heavier and heavier and realize i am having trouble seeing the keys or finding them with my fingers. its like a game where you have to guess what your typing and i am losing for sure to the 37 year old that seems to be laughing at me from the other side of the screen. i finally focus my energies and clearly type feeling tired night and thinking its after 11pm and i have been up since 3:45 maybe i really am tired and before the covers settle into the folds around my form i am lost to any caring about this world.

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