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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Friday -one month from the first silent sitting

All darkness has the quality of less light to varying degrees. if you spend the night laying silent and opening your eyes occasionally to see the time you realize that the light never really is gone if there is even a tiny bit of light in the room. my lcd clock sends out a bar of light grey with darker gray for the numerals.the light is practically invisible except in the dead of night then you can see the weak patterns of luminosity it sends out. you can almost see the individual points of light at the edge of its wave of projection.the entire room is lit enough to see the corners of the walls and ceiling although very dimly. the room is a cavern of my soul and the air is filled with my souls projections into the physical. the weaving patterns the morphing images the pointillist nature of the visions i see. and all is fuzzy and warm within though there is nothing to create this in my mind. All night the thoughts are silent the mind blank and the sleep absent. at 4:30 i arise and start the coffee toast and prepare the smoothie and pills of my deliverance to the living. at 5:30 greg entrances and without a moments delay, heads out for his day at work long flight home and mothers day with his family. the world is operating at warp speed and no one has any reason to be still.
i fire up the computer to complete my blog for yesterdays life and begin to live for today.
the first thing i do is send an e-mail to my love with the realization of my meditation ending thoughts of the night before. my reactions almost frighten me since i had thought i was beyond such thoughts but obviously not. an hour after i sent the missive, she calls and is blissfully not thinking of anything that concerns me, but i feel i need to tell her the issues and i do and she is so wonderfully bright and attentive and interested and i say i have sent you an e-mail and we can talk later. and she says we are going into the hall for darshan now love you.i spend the morning catching up on paperwork and reading documents and of course meditating. the force is returned and there is no thoughts as during the night before that are uncontrollable. i find my senses expanded and my intellect tuned. i receive loving e-mails unexpectedly one from a retreat mate who's heart is so loving and whos mind is pulled in many directions by the great amount of love she feels. the other from my loves young devotee who now brings her heartlight to me sending I Love you's and i send her a poem then she send a great e-mail of sincerity and i reply. all things wonderful. i go for my afternoon walk and the sea of the lake shores greenness is beginning to recede into brown as the rains are two weeks gone. but the bird life on the lake inlet where i walk is intense with hawks and egrets ravens and crows and hundreds of small birds and ducks all living and loving, fighting and eating in the forest of long dead trees sticking out of the water where 10 years ago the drought had lasted so long it allowed these trees to flourish from the hidden water flowing under the dry surface. the rains of the last 3 years had drowned the forest but created a habitat of bare branches for the water and air based fowl.
during the walk i pondered more on my issue with the thoughts of my disturbing characterizations of this defenseless man who would humanly befriend my divine love. here i am helpless to stop the thoughts and i seek their source and my inability to stop them. truly this is a crisis for my mind which is normally docile and pliant. when i arrive home there is a missed call from my love and she is back from Darshan with amma and is high and full of love and asks how i am and i say in love as always when i connect to her. she tells me of the experience and amma's touching and stroking and pujas and then her and her friend are off to some meditation plaza and lunch and long wonderful conversations af masters and spirit and divine wonders and i treasure her beams of light like a pirate buries his gold. i send her on with love knowing i will not hear from her until tomorrow and that she will not see my emails until then.

the afternoon passes in meditation with my computer on next to me. no calls or e-mails come and i collapse from a combination of the force and from the sleepless night gone by. i wake in the dim room under my blankets and rested after an hour of unconscious force and then an hour of pure sleep. the computer is still silent and i pack it up for the weekend. i fold my laundry that my daughter has moved from the washer to the dryer for me, and i go back to meditate. the force waits a few inches away and only touches my skull bathing me in a helmet of warm honey. i sit waiting for an hour but it does not descend.
i emerge to go to the store costco and get my beloved raisin bread and find some trinket for my wife for mothers day, though she told me not to get her anything and i think this is evidence that she does not feel their is love in our relationship as i am almost totally spirit directed for the last month and things have been strained since i met my love ten years ago. i have no control over what has transpired or her feelings and love her just the same. i find a beautiful set of sheets for her california king therapedic mattress i bought last year and a few foodstuffs and laundry things we need and am done, packing them all into my beloved VW van that runs perfectly, when its running. at home all is rush as mother and daughter are going to the annual hula dance performance my daughter is in as she has devoted half her studies and her love life to the ceremony of hula. i am not going this year and feel a slight pang of not meeting my parental responsibilities but it is a two hour set of performances and my daughter is in one 5 minute segment which i have been to twice before. i hunger for the empty house and the silence and feel that is more truthful of my state. they leave and love you's with my daughter and i am alone. I turn on the maharishi recordings from 1972 in humboldt and am amazed at the wonderful chanting and singing with Bramarishi Devrat Rishikesh the recording goes on and on and i am transported though i understand not a word they say. i sink into meditation and the force is hungry and i am eaten alive. i come out of the density at 11:30 and stumble about for a glass of water and the family is just returned and maybe their clatter had reached me in my disassembled state.I lie down and wonder at the gloriousness of my life and fall peacefully asleep.

At 3:30 i arise feeling rested and decide to begin my saturday, on the computer is a reply from my love for i had sent her the link to the chanting recording of the Maharishi on the IM. Her one word sent at 1:30 am was as always Love. I send her my reply love is love. outside the possum family that has taken up residence in my backyard trundles across the grass white furred and rat tailed in search of morning food and water. i take out a bowl of water and a banana peel for i know they love them.

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