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Friday, May 14, 2010

Thursday expansions contract

and the world has no place to stop no brakes or handy rest areas to need. the path is ever in its giant ellipse that faces to and away from the brilliant thermonuclear device crushing hydrogen into gaseous plasma less than a light day away. we synchronise our metabolism our sleeping and waking patterns our visual acuity and permutations to the light we receive. the dark is our only salvation from the tyranny of the sun and even then the sister moon is watching probing through the shades and whispering cross the open spaces. but she is not dutiful and the peace of the new moon is upon us. i sleep where the world can find me, alone in a simple mattress on the floor, the blankets piled thick and heavy, for i want to lay still and not walk without my soul through the darkened hallways of my mind.there are untold pathways that reflect the emptiness the void the darkened space of beings absence waiting to snare the unlucky wanderer somnabulating through the corridors filled only with the projections of mindless thinking. and it is from this earthly prison i awake, alert glad for the rescue of my inner timekeeper reminding me of my promise to myself that the morning would be an absolution a celebration to the awakening spirit and sleep numbed body.i press my hands to my skin and the contact is fresh and soft, the eyes see well in the candle light and the pupils expand to absorb more photons and gaze through the reflections of the purpled walls to the neat book racks and clothes closet and the meditation pillows jumbled against the table and chair. i am arisen and it is all as i hoped. i stretch using the ohm count to control my breathing and heart rate. my newly slimming form bends less painfully than before and i go through the streches and asanas of the hatha practice and feel the bubbles of energy rise and the sterling awareness jewel in my consciousness brightening with clarity. i am truly breathing the cool air of awareness and am feeling the very breath of the forces visitation, cool and fresh.
the kitchen is open and clean and i set to my morning ritual and soon the world is revolving without sun or moon outside.
Greg is awake the shower jetting and the coffee now gone and toast eaten. the pills devoured an hour earlier are now dumping untold benefits to my form. i feel the super charger of the mental in gear and the engine of being is at full bore ready to engage. the mornings drive is another monologue of my untold memories and poignant understandings of the countless times i had acquired this state for only a few hours throughout my life and the adventures in consciousness i had pursued unaware that these were unusual for a teenager or anyager for that matter and the drive smooth and powerful as it was seems almost non existent. At work i am a demon of activity and cannot stop my verbal expression or brake this awareness from its expanding rush. At lunch i am accompanied by a friend and his life and changes are all of work and family and mine the mastery of the human with the ascension of the spirit. the walk is completed in half my usual time. the afternoon is dry meetings and perhaps too many questions and thoughts get expressed as the director becomes agitated and defensive. as the afternoon comes to a close a final battle ensues with the behemoth of oracles stepchild and the hundreds of users are slowed to a crawl and assaulted by a myriad of problems. i suddenly feel the world collapse in me and a headache push to my awareness. i have to sit and suddenly realize i do not want to deal with all this now and long for the drive home as i am already half an hour past my usual leaving. the issues are traced to a rogue module being overused without coordination for all the other activities going on and is shut down. we escape by car and i fall into a deathly stupor. Tamas has risen and i have crested on the wave of rajas and been flung from my silver surfboard into the cosmic wipeout of the tamas. at home i drag myself late into the meditation spot and collapse, feeling nothing and dwelling on my day spent in outward pursuits and ignoring the needs of my inner self, the work i flung myself into, the constant talking, the walk not alone but in conversing about work with another and finally the collapse of the physical that marks the beginning of the contraction phase. i think i have scared away my SAT love and feel empty. i slump into despair and the crown of honey descends.
i feel some lift some hope and the crown persists, i have not been abandoned and i think the SAT must need me even in my broken connection it comes to me, a whisper of its usual force but there none the less. i start the engines of my chakras slow and pendulous and feel the dry riverbed of ananda they turn in. i imagine the waterfall and the flow and there is a beginning a trickle but it does not rush down. i resolve to just sit silent and stop my visualizations and let what is be.
the helmet of love sits and i beneath its pulsing warmth and pressure. i am the reposed form of human acceptance unaware unthinking silent. the moments have presence stretching time to hours where only seconds go by. i feel unconscious and suddenly realize my torso is alive with the melting force, my body filling with the familiar waves of liquid electricity
i am pleasing to the SAT once more even in my tamas and i feel a rush of love for this unknowable benefactor, this giver of life where there was only empty gestures before. so great is my love i am in tears and weep like a child reunited with his mother.
i wrap myself in the down comforter, white and copious in size and appear to be a bowl of vanilla ice cream with a human face atop. i am warm now as the force descends all my extremities become chill as the flow draws all the blood to the chakras and renews the vital elements of the life giving fluids.
no time passes but i am cocooned with my love and the feeling is like sleeping with the mother and i have no worries no thoughts no anxieties of time or place or questions. i am in the love and satchitananda of my entire experience of being.
it is dark when i awaken, wobbly and empty inside. in the kitchen greg dismantles an artifact from the ancient chariot of his obsession and the parts are strewn across the table. it appears to be an ancient AM radio. we talk a few pleasantries and we are alone in the house. all is quiet as greg works silently prying into the innards like a surgeon of the salvage yard bent on rescuing an abandoned soul of metal and glass. i have a small bowl of soup and half a baguette of sourdough and am in dire need of food after my 15 hour fast since the toast of break fast.
i find my love online and she is feeling her child heart and its pain is rising with her uncovered experiences still locked into her soul and every interaction is touching on her "wounds waiting to be healed" and her words bring tender tears to my eyes and i so love her gentle poetry of the heart. we are both in the contraction and she is already in bed and i to my jacuzzi, lights out and staring up into the night absolved of sun or moon and allowing me my earthly designs upon the unknowable emptiness filled with the souls of lit stars and galaxies. the night is passionless but full of undiscovered meaning and i find a painting to be created in my lonely vision. a canvas painted the top half black featureless complete, the horizon beneath, the sun white yellow and below the full cobalt blue of the endless sea, and emerging from the depths are human hands and arms reaching up into the blackness. I share this with my love before she sleeps and she says that is where we both are, the void above the ocean of samsakaras and the sun of enlightenment below and we in realization reaching up into the awaiting void.
and i to my awaiting bed to the void of breathless wakelessness where dreams roam unbridled and i the horseman of the night.

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