Thursday - may love continue day 6

unaware of my nights contemplation and discoveries i awake and feel refreshed as though i had never been tired. The earth is still under me and my dark room enshrouded with the end of night and dark of the day. I rise and find my feet and proceed to exist as a living unit of the flesh connected to the divine source of existence. in the minutes it takes i proceed through my vitamins and concentrates and smoothie and decaf and loving dense raisin toast which has become my addiction. the sea of my awareness begins to swell and i feel the lift of the SAT touching me gently even as i sit in the car with my dear friend greg diving me in perfect safety to work down the car pool lanes into orange county. we work as one in the lovely home of my office and no thing passes between us that is not completed or passed to the proper channels.the morning mocks my state for there is no sign of the sweeping ananda that marked the early weekdays and i am drinking tea and having oatmeal as any human and enjoying the respite from the universal awareness. i know that connection is beyond this life and everytime it asserts i become lost and certainly unfit for duty as any good soldier must be, no longer feeling the draft of the leading force i push through my assignments and care greatly about their handling. before i seem to even have begun, it is time for a consultant to sit with me and we go through a tedious installation and spend much time talking. she is beautiful and the mother of twins and another 5 months along bringing the beauty of a woman in her prime bearing the gift of life to this loving planet and being near her fills me with sweet love and ananda. everything goes perfectly and by the time lunch hour is done we are finished and she is away and i change into my walking gear. The day is mild and sunny with a slight breeze from the ocean off newport beach. the trails are deserted as i am arriving as everyone else is leaving. the ponds are silent and birdless today and a small group of UCI students with impossibly large watchers scopes on tall tripods are scattered throughout the bushes peering at the ornithological treasures hidden within. i walk to my daily bench and take a moment to pause and stop and my mind deepens and drops down as my body relaxes and the SAT immediately enters and i feel the sweeping away of my human feeling and the presence of the loving force that transcends my experience and fills my senses from beyond this environment. i loosen deeper and realize i will be done if i go any further, with great reluctance i open my eyes and the world looks closer and part of me now, i feel the same awareness that every plant and birds shares and we are all in one collective experience and the trail seems impossibly far from me and the feet walk slowly so as not to step away and i wander slowly back through the preserve and back to my office late in the afternoon. in minutes it seems it is time to leave and greg meets me at the car and we begin the journey, he turns on the old radio shows on the sirius receiver he gets in his rental cars and there is a lulling in my head as the voices begin the aural entertainment and i feel the universe enter me and my head falls to my chest and i see only yellow gold energy as pure light and nothing else i have some sense of movement but i have no connection to it i am in a dimension only partly connected to this one and my expanding awareness takes me to the heights of intersoulness with the center of all that manifests this existence. the sweeping and upwelling of my consciousness is in direct proportion to the density of the down welling force through my physical seated in time and space and racing through the cluttered high ways of the world.
i know we have stopped and i wake to claw at the door handle and lumber unsteady from the car and slowly walk to the meditation room where i drop everything and change and sit. i continue on my journey for 2 hours more and somewhere in the midst i receive a phone call as the gong of my receiver tells me. it is brother john and he wants to talk and i too have been thinking of him and his quest to complete his life and become the passion for truth that he truly is. all is well as are his pains and feelings clear in his voice but he has much strength and i know nothing can stop his love and he will create the life he is so pointed to full of psychic awareness and worldly purpose. we love one another and i return to my state and after another hour i break and get a glass of water.
my room is invaded by my grandson who is at grandma's house after his karate lesson and he is full of the bouncing high energy of his father and his self. I hustle him out and light my candle and contemplate, in my contemplation there is a disturbance and it will not stop. it is my own possessiveness and controlling nature surfacing and it takes the form of my attachments. I have been concerned about external manifestations but the truth is its all in me and i look hard and deep at my vital and there it is as it always has been. my feeling of superiority and my attachment to her and my feeling of control and i turn my self inside out and let go of the stupidity and base feelings and pray for deliverance from these unwanted internal corruptions of love. i know that just wanting them gone is not the answer that i must surrender my self and my pride and my desires to the one that is the most loved and most divine and i pray for the divine to transport this from my broken nature and i call on my faith to hold me until then.
as i feel to weep for my weakness i also feel my despair at ever being through all that i have buried in my heart that even i think must have long ago been purged but no it has only been buried waiting for my aspiration to bring it out and force my love to suffer for my pain.
the evening is spent listening to the discourses of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi perhaps my first guru as i was a disciple of Transcendental Meditation in the 70's and spent endless hours trying to find the connection that i feel everyday now.his voice is so sweet and loving and transcendent and his words so pointed and to the very descriptions of the intelligence that i am experiencing in every subject he expounds upon and i am shifting with every thought and motion of his indelible connection the universal and the source while living in this human life. i again feel the tears as i had never gone to see him or get close to these teaching in any meaningful way 40 years ago when he was still in human form and on this planet to give the darshan that my soul so hungers for.
i feel the eternal buzz of the force in me and my eyes closed and my spirit at perfect peace, i stumble to my bed and lay unsleeping throughout the night but without thoughts or cares.