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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Friday fleeing pressures

can a friday be filled with anything but hope, for it is the last hurdle for the track and field team of the working class and though not all have saturdays off all at my work do. i do not share their unabated expectations for by just being at home during work i am already moved into the weekend. but the mass of them punish each other by creating such a rush to complete everything in one day that they could not in the last four, that everything that can go wrong always does on fridays. the morning is cloudy and the dark low clouds seem protective after my recent experiences. when i awoke at 3 it was streaming dark and the candlelight was unwavering in the dense air. nothing changes in the hours before the light so the prospect for true creation is palpable. the universe is still and the emptiness sits unmoving but fully exposed for all to experience. i take the reins of the wagon and drive the horses of my expanded creative force through the first paragraphs of what was to be my journal but like many of my writings becomes a tome of dissertation on the experience of expanded awareness and transformation. yesterdays experience is still strong in me and i feel its influence in that i am continually aware of the separation from my body and the aggregation of my senses far from the attachments of my form. i am the emptiness living and sensing my propensity to end untruth by just being unaware of any thing but the nothing of existence denied. the 40 days of fasting, the sitting under the bodhi tree, the turning away from the physical obscurity seems a simple task, the change of belief from real to the super realities is the minute change of focus and not a gut wrenching dichotomy of the flesh.
where lately i have been simple in my approach i now feel the richness of inclusion and overlays of awarenesses and even feelings that have no source but the cosmic heart and the divine aspiration.i am swept and pulled through all inner examinations and will not deny myself the right and the responsibilities i feel are being given to me. though these words are only shared with but a single mind that could possibly imagine what it is i am going through and that is mine, it truly is the source of my experiential sharing and is for the universe and the billions that are unable to reach this point in their realization of their aspirations. i write as if the devil is chasing my fingers and trying to make the wrong keys appear before my words are typed. i concentrate and even imagine that the keys move to my fingers rather than vice versa.
i have a deep feeling for every soul that must eventually find this path and like me may have spent nearly all their life and health before finding it and then be in the realization that there can be no more delays or the experience will not complete in this form and there could be such a long stretch of emptiness before the super mental and the bahkti are enabled in tho next form which may not have evolved and of which i want to be the engine of it evolution. let these words be that fervent hopes manifestation for as i write i am creating all that is within myself and new dimensions are coming into being each with the unique curvatures of my realizations and i inhabit each one and am as a god to the inhabitants within and there the petri dishes may prove fruitful but will take as long if not longer than my own experiment in this forms dimension.
the walk of this day is different if only for the the fact it is the first time i bring my phone and i spend the entire time expanding my awareness with my love and then with my loving brother with whom i feel such affinity. and the passage of my relationships with my seven brothers is beyond telling. suffice it to say that we are the sacred seven and each a master for what he manifests and each the madness of the mother is provided to keep him from the obscurity, for as long as he is believing there is pain he will find the path to freedom.
in siddhartha the pain was unbearable from birth and the world was a nut to be cracked and his focus was always on the spirit in between massive engagements with the habitual and the domain of the unliving, but here he is passed through the eye of the camels back and leading me to the water of existence without fail.
we talk of many little things such as the samadhi i experienced for 20 minutes on the pond bench the day before and how i am accelerating since i have dropped all my human habits and attachments at the retreat only 5 weeks prior, and i am still dumbfounded that this ueneding procession of change is only five weeks old and i still feel like this is a lifetime and there is little time to waste as i hurry through the dead spot of phone reception that is my neighborhood. the afternoon is a waste of meetings and disappointments for the projects i manage and a large unscheduled emergency for the biggest application i support so the afternoon ends late and by 4:30 i am looking anxiously at the hallway to my deliverance but still have to wait a half hour longer.
the room is dark and warm, yet i am in my sweats and socks and jacket. i sit, crossing my legs on the floor cushion,cushions holding up my back and i descend into the world of energy and the force is like an electric current through every inch of me, expanding every cell and molecule within. i feel like a neon light flashing at an intolerable frequency too high for my system to stand with untold energies riding up and down my spine. for two hours i sit in this expansion until the pain is too intense to bear and i throw myself across my mattress and wait for some relief but it does not and i lay in the unending intensity on the edge of consciousness aware that i am hallucinating wildly but understanding none of it.
the blessing is the house has been empty since 4:30 and i am alone in my misery as i begin to make noises in my pain and discomfort, finally i seem to have some regaining of control at 8pm and flee to the kitchen where i consume my bowl of soup and bread with no hunger whatsoever but with a passion to slow the expanding pressure.
i hit the jacuzzi and fall finally to the computer and have some time with my love when everyone of the 4 other inhabitants come home from different destinations. the house seems mad with chaos suddenly and i am confused and happy at the same time. by ten all are asleep and i am soon passed out at my keyboard unthinking.

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