May 3 and 4

may 3 - the missing day

i it is still dark when the cat wakes me at 4:45. The house sleeps around me and i stumble forth to let the bugger out and fix the decaf du jour . I slip into my jammy bottoms and jacket, slip on my well worn socks and prepare my cocktail of psycillium and soy smoothie and over a dozen capsules of concentrates and herbs with a few vitamins and one actual pharmaceutical. I drink it all down in a rush tasting like an orange vanilla creamsicle that has melted in a glass. I wonder about my ascension as the predawn colors fade into existence. I am in love with my life my quest my attainment the thrill of the force the presence of a godlike being who listens and responds to my longing. i worship my love as the secret of my true selfs aspiration the miracle of my existence, for her entry into my timeline has been presaged and all the feelings of coming surrender ands ascension were known from the start.
the toast and coffees simply combine as perfect conspirators to my now divined habituation
for i cannot end being habituated but only turn them to my new capacities. The meditation, the walks, the morning call to exist as both man and celestial conversion. i make these my habits now as well as my writing. Today though, it is another return to that which is deadly game i play, work the descension into the flesh of corporate requirements and hundreds of human interactions, each a potential firebomb of pleasure or pain. The work proceeds slowly and i take breaks to ensure i can have meditations every 2 hours, the one blessing of being at home during this duty to my ordained families needs. My daughter comes into the kitchen, gathers up every pill we have for colds and says as she leaves for work, why am i always getting sick, and leaves before i can answer, for her heart is not in this struggle and her love is in a sticky place with a man who while good is filled with his own worries and they become hers too and she is not built to stress but to create and be loving and here she is school, work and relationships and just turned 20.
i say a silent prayer of thanks for her in my life and move on.
there is no place for me in this world of business, my mind is too blown and my heart is beyond this existence of rules and regulations document controls and hierarchies of authorities. but from pure repetition and psychic awareness i solve every problem and do every chore that needs done as well as direct others towards their likely success and away from the pitfalls that seem obvious to me
The day comes to lunch and i quickly don my walking clothes and set forth hat on head proudly old and stained with a small dull turtle and the logo of the Big Island.the day is another perfect day, soft breeze golden sunlight, everything in bloom and redolent of growth and expansion. I walk the south lake trail again and feel the presence of the tribes and their ancient ways close to the earth elements and at peace with the entities of the planet. all the way the force increases the vision soft and wide, the head drenched in warmth, the breath full and alive, i hear the voices and experiences of my past and the hundreds of times i have experienced this and keep walking slowly through their mirrored feelings. I am min the long corridor of experiences and they stretch before me as if all are waiting to be touched as i walk past the heart is full and my head feels the expansion through the 7th chakra into the awarenesses of the multi dimensional being. both external and internal combine and flow together and i walk through this gallery of being and the world of existence together and the flow is from without to within and everything melts as i walk with slow and measuring pace.

merger remains with me the rest of the days i communicate with work mostly through the keyboard, and this is a blessing for my voice is rough and cannot well form the words that fly from my fingertips. This is magic, the connection from heart to hands, the magic arms i was told by my psychic teacher and she saw that the extensions from my heart were indeed charged with special powers. these arms that write, play music, drive, massage all my special talents from these arms. and now they touch the very soul of my life and bring everything inward to be included

Suddenly my phone and my computer stop working. its like a power surge and the phone comes on saying sim card not provisioned, and the computer says, all connections to the remote server have been lost.

i spend the next hour getting all the proper telecommunications people to re provision my card and worked to reconnect my computer to all its many connections, somehow the network has become unreliable. Finally all is fixed except for the most important thing, my yahoo messenger will not connect over the business VPN. This would cut me off from my love our daily chats and interactions all by yahoo and i cannot live without that. I try everything but nothing works. I turn to my home computer and fire up the IM there and talk to her, i tell her how irritating it is to come down to the human level and have to deal with all these electronic issues and work problems. I am much too sensitive and every feeling is like a ping pong ball dropping in a room full of mouse traps. I am feeling that after the hysteria red eyed exhaustion again from this day.
I end my work at 4:30 and the meditation room is all i see. the force is like a hammer and i slump forward into the downward rush of smooth and heavy vibration. at 8 pm i come out dizzy alive in wonder at my being. like a new born again in the world i have always known, old and new at once.
i go to the jacuzzi to unkink my back injury and stare into the evening stars
greg arrives and we chat he leaning on the jacuzzi edge and i leaning back in the rushing warmth. at 9 i emerge and we settle into the kitchen and i connect to my love on the IM and we have a deep discussion on the nature of the unknowable and its connection that we can only postulate as it cannot be experienced and i suggest a name, the Xperience as it would be like the x-ray compared to normal vision. seeing beneath that which is reflected, though even xrays are a reflection and just a deeper examination of that which only hints at but does not reveal the inexperiencible.
late is the hour 11pm when we say our loves and goodnights and i find the candle of my aspiration still bright in the darkened room and sleep as though unconscious an the force is residing all the while.

May the 4th be with you - thank you greg -

for this is truly hells return as i awake in full merger, the force spreading through me like liquid light and the pain unfolding and refolding as i try to do simple things like dress and eat toast and drink the warm brown drink i now consider coffee. I sit in gregs rented jetta and the ride is sure and smooth and he drives like an angel today but where he is taking me is no gift from god but rather a return to my human karma and the place of assignations and repulsions. the day is badly begun as i realize the messenger is not working and i have no way to chat with my love through the day an that is all i care about as i frantically devise different workarounds for the dreaded firewalls and port captures that prevent the forbidden chat. After an hour of trying many new things and installs i settle into some registry rebuilds and experimental port and relay servers until voila! it works and i am in ecstasy for i have what i need and nothing will deny me my communion with my love.

The the work becomes normal but for me in my expanded state i feel like i am carrying hot iron to and from the foundry heat and burning and cutting my ethereal body as i try to navigate the hundreds of feelings and pressures and requirements that used to be like walking on water for my mastery of the world i inhabit at work. Its not that i cant do it but every human interaction is either heightened communion and the awareness is exploding or it is restricted action and the denial of communion with everything i experience and both in human form bring on tears and confusion as i try to focus on the tiny details of human work. by the time lunch comes i am exhausted mentally and emotionally and pray to escape for my walk. quickly i step out and make my way to the refuge and there i stop and as if in the throes of Tai Chi i center and drain and refill the well of my being and feel the chi and the giant expansion of awareness in the empty trail and proceed with my 3rd chakra leading the way. i am slow and aware of everything at once with every step and make my way to a deserted trail stub with a bench facing west and close my eyes and sink into perfect union with the force. I See two celestial beings female in form and delightful in face and they take my arms and i am carried up and we are laughing and their voices sound like the carolina bells in the Church with each exclamation of joy another register and i am smiling beyond my face and laughing too and there is the bright blue sky turning pale and in the center a brilliant ball of white fire and we are heading right towards it laughing more as i say But I really do have to go back to work and then more bells are ringing happily and i am suddenly on the bench with my eyes opened and there is no sudden glare of opening my eyes from the dark but rather everything looks dim as if the light is inadequate but its full afternoon and i unsteadily stare across the pond. i get to my floating feet and begin to walk with empty grace slowly across the well worn path. I wandered in a daze of selfless union with every thing around me and traversed unnoticed through the maze of passages. At some point my conscious mind noted the trees and bushes were in unfamiliar patterns and the curves of the trail were different than my feet remembered and the trail seemed to constantly bend to the west when i need to go north or at least east and the overhanging trees blacked any sight of landmarks so i just continued and enjoyed the journey and finally after a long time i came to a trail junction i recognized and there was a small post with the trail name writ up and down on it, Lost Trail, and i thought surely that has never been here before and i was very lost and loving it. I return to the office and it is 2 hours i have been gone and i am filled with the force of merger, i change and feel everything around me in perfect ascension to the spirit. I visit my friend and tell her how beautiful her soul is and i wish her an opening to the divine for only that will bring her true happiness. I am in contemplation at my desk and realize that i see great potential in the women in my office that are single and aloof ans somewhat self admittedly selfish and i realize that is the combination for the seeker the selfish about spirit attitude that will not be denied. The happy ones the habitual ones with families and duties they need to wait to go through their ordained duties and discharge their responsibilities but these few i see the potential and am pleased. the day is winding down and i am ready to fly and to home we go me scrunched in the passenger seat weak from the force continuous flow. I talk to greg of his impressions and he is astute and sees me hanging from the rope of destiny but not in control, and i know i am not stabilized and i wonder when that might happen. At home it is the room and the pillows and i am inundated for hours. At 7 i call into my brothers conference talk and it is on the relationship with the divine in human form and that has been on my mind for i know i will need that once this choosing and transforming begins to need direction. i am in merger throughout and stay under until at last at 8:30 I am released and for the first time today i eat, lentil soup and bread, 5then to the jacuzzi. After wards i am in communion with my love and we speak of her readings and realizations for the merger is on us both and she is awaiting Union with the ecstatic divine and her time is spent reading on it until i am ready to join her. I love he r love and drink her perfect light approach to life and spirit where i am deep and heavy she floats and samples everything i find one and dive deep in its flavor. she rescues me when i go too deep and i am in awe of her beauty and love. the night again comes to 11pm and the bed and candle lie peacefully awaiting me.