Saturday - sacred hearts academy

the morning deepens the sky dark for a long while. from the vantage point of 24 hours later, this day seems like a month. I remember the usual toast and coffee and combo metamucil/juice plus soy based french vanilla shake with a thousand pills and then it kind of disappears i guess into Saturday morning. where i do my blog update and listen to MMY now by far the love of my life via the time machine. I am still at the beginning of the list from 1972 from humboldt a place where the farmers still didnt know the biggest cash crop was waiting for them or that my fine friend steve from pennsylvania maybe not the first blue eyed blond rastafarian in dreads but close to it, would dominate the market there in coming years. i simply cant describe the feeling i get as the small indian voice lilts and smiles through the speakers and his words make the world seem a very small place.

i water the yard in love with every inch of the grassy weedy bushy flowery tree spotted landscape behind and around my house, the bird life in my yard is like calcutta, every inch seems full of families preparing nests singing hopping dancing winging from tree to tree branch to branch cross yards and roofs and though open skies. its amazing and wonderful.

The early air is bright and perfect and i feel the strength of my purity and surrender to the ways of the loving and the chosen, for my life is magical and is a glory of blessings, I dress for my walk and set forth early and happy. the four miles are like one and the sweat is smooth and the air a cool delight of the uplifted body of man. in paradise we are delivered and in paradise i am born to be here and now and forever.

by 9am i am done and the house still is quiet as a church full of altar boys on confession day.i take my place in the meditation hall, happy and pleased with whatever may come and all that has been given me. the light is golden morning through the closed slats of my blinds. the small candle i had placed 3 days ago in the remains of the giant candle that had burned out prematurely glowed unseen on the altar to mother where i hide my treasures. I sit in silence, pillows at my back and the good lord drops the hammer down. I could not see even behind my eyes, the pressure driving even blindness from my eyes and the body shaking from the pressure, the pains began immediately, the forehead, the cheeks , the jaw, the clavicles and legs. i stretched out, i squirmed, i felt my bladder distend. but in my mind there was the unholy light of pure white in waves beyond reckoning. nothing encoded just pure force.and what is the message but it is time to pay for your sins my son and step into the punishment hall for your flagellation. and the christ of confessors stood before me and smiled without mercy. i fell from my perch like a damaged bird two hours later, a stream of tears falling from my eyes and a heart so heavy it could not hold together.
my own sins of my family, the father and the mother and brothers and the sisters both here and departed were brought one by one and in unending succession where there was none, a million took its place for every being is the millions of knots of pain that hold his lifes memories in place, in the stomach, in the heart, in the tissues both strong and gentle in the muscles like torn fibula and triceps filled with the crystalline deposits of ancient salts and toxins waiting for the fluids that will bring them back to life filled with the fine edged barbs that settled them so securely over the last 60 years. and do you remember father, smashing the walls and the furniture as you cowered afraid it was you that drove him to this, and do you remember mother telling you it was you and flinging the handy ashtray at your head and dropping the baby on the florr in her race to hit you. and where are Michael and Annique but in the coffins you prepared for them everyday in every way you have sinned a million times and nothing is ever forgotten. and through this world of pain and the unending pain of knowing it was all unavoidable and all needs to be forgiven me and every slice of the knife is a piece of the human in ragged dismemberment. where is my savior and protector now, where the friends i could not have and the escapes into fantasy that closed around me and the tears i stopped crying when all was lost and now all is come to find their maker and their confessors kneeling sacristy, i stumble away from my wife and turn to my IM where every piece of me is longing to speak to my love any love for i am alone and bereft of my life and there is never going to be another.
she is online and happy and in fact better than ever before following the darshans of the previous day and she has discovered the power of the mother in the female forms she has visited and been in holy communion with for the first time. All is purpose and gentle understanding that i will have no part of for in my grief beyond bearing i am angry with my fathers anger, insanely feeling as my mothers madness is now mine and weeping for my dead children and laying in their graves. where is the love and the tenderness now, the love i put away and hid the pain in the stomach swelling and convulsions of the poisons churning through my tiny form. how is this the mothers love and where was my heart broken a million times before i stopped the last tear and died inside from the pain.
she tries to reason with me love me but i am inconsolable and mad with the fever for inflicting what has been offered. she says, this wont do, you must call me and i say no, i will only cry. and who in their right mind wants to hear and feel an old man in unstoppable tears and blubbering hysterics.
i call but can only breathe mucousy bubbles and sobbing uncontrollable. there is only the dark of the moon at the midday of my diminishing life. i stand at the farthest corner of my yard behind the towering palm tree in front of the pile of decaying compost where earlier i had dumped the bread rolls for the possums. i am listening to my only hope for redemption for only she knows what i am going through, only she has been to hell and become purified and now is all i can see before me as she so gently lovingly holds me forgives me and brings the maddening world down to where i can wrap my loving arms around my small and frightened self and tuck my knees in under me and weep until i have no more tears to cry. there behind the palm i am dieing and being born from the birth canal of the mothers unending devotion to her children who would be made pure for their great work yet to come.and i slide down the tunnel from death into the world of the living, in the full arrest of the hysteria that has gripped me like a bear trap and crushed every ounce of pain i could feel and i am raw inside and out my eyes a mass of red bleeding tissue and face covered in the tracks of tears and snot, i am truly delivered unto my god without vanity without measure of self and in full emotional arrest. for not another feeling can i have without cutting open my body and ripping it out with a long handled fork which sits conveniently on the backyard bar-b-que tray nearby. my love is strong and her purpose is to sustain my energy enough so i will not die alone and she is with me as i sit restructuring my broken parts and find the long list of trials i have attended and check each off one by one for every day of my existence until kingdom come.

and the day is just made into the bright and sunny afternoon and it seems impossible that i lived and died a million times but i have gone beyond this world to be punsihed for what i have failed to do here. and this is the path of every soul that passes from this life and is burned clean, and in the burning is left on the spit of determination until crispy and well tenderized before passing to their next chance to surrender to the sanctified realm of natural rebirth. i sit in the pulsing frenzied physical of the hysterical child, hiccuping with the stress and physical twitching i have not felt since i was 12 years old. i drink and fill my stomach with the water of my tears yet to be. i sit unerring in my seat of meditation and try to ever be in my center but nothing comes but the twitch of my lower jaw with each breath and the tears that wont stop no matter what i do. i bow down before her holy picture with candle flickering unseen and send her my tears like the child i am and pray for my souls release. Ali is unquiet but silent still as everyone has left the house. I stumble a wreck from my room and sit listening to MMY and his discourse that sound like love but feels like pain. for how do we get there from here, where are the universal and cosmic and absolute minds and beings that we are heir to. i am more than a man less than a child and not even a particle of the universal being. i watch what was my life disappear and feel nothing.

she is there with me and i truly am filled with her love and the gratitude of my childish heart is near to tears that i am dry of. she knows me as myself and not as who i would appear to be and that saves me, more than anything, to be known and not mistaken or required as anything else. i sink into my chair and still cannot focus on the poorly recorded voice of the master and feel the pain drain bit by bit dripping like the end of an oil change where the dirtiest drops come last. and i begin to feel not as much a torn rag doll thrust from a burning playroom. not a thing escapes me not a play unknown of my heart and devious mind and i am again full of the force and i am just sitting and all day it has pulsed like a snake inside me never leaving and here it explodes in me again and it is my genitals burning and the thoughts are unbearable and i am alone and i cannot stand the pain and the pleasure i cannot and i swear it is uncontrollable and i see every thought of sex and pleasure made unbearably real and i am thrust again and again against the will of the body and am held as hard and as aching as i have ever and it has been months and months and with a life of its own untouched it explodes and i am holding my essence in the palm of my hand and its seems to sparkle with a light i have never seen. i am ashamed and depleted exhausted like i have not yet felt after all else that has happened today this is the final indignity and my true self revealed. i am cast down and finished unable to control my despair. for this i have felt is the secret of mans ascension, to never give up that which is mans alone and it would become the refinement of deliverance the very seed of the new being being born. and i have loosed it into useless air. and that is my ife now and i forget myself and wash and throw myself to my bed.

time unkmowable later unable to really sleep only turn to feel my aching emptiness, i realize i will not mediate again today, for what is done is done and i have no taste for it now. i go to my kitchen and my son has arrived with my grandson and he leaves him with me and i try to be his grandfather but have no feel for it anymore. he is just a small boy and very loving and sweet but i, i dont know what i am. this is sure i am no ones master.

the wife returns, the day goes on and the evening is here. i eat nothing, the ache of my stomach is a knot of exhausted emptiness best not disturbed. i talk to my love on the IM but i feel so small so empty she is true and i false, where does this go from here and what are these demons unleashed this day that would deliver me from my holy quest. am i that much less than what i was which was nothing. i will wait for mothers forgiveness or repulsion and find my way the best i can. and i shall call no man to task, for his lot in life is beyond knowing and never less than mine. words cannot describe why i feel this sorrow for my false self, for my unreal feelings for my covered up truths. where is the heart of purity and love, where is anything but the shell that exists but will not die.

the night soldiers into the comings and goings of every family member like a parade to view the corpse and i am ashamed more than i realize for all i have done here and all i have never told. it is not the good we remember or care about in the end, it all the missed opportunities and all the lost years in deeper and deeper betrayal. i would be dead now but that dignity is not allowed me. i must repent not just my sins but my omissions and lies of silence.

hung and doomed the blindfold lowered the trap door sprung but the moment is eternal as the neck is stretched unnaturally and the last breath is drawn. there is no forgiveness as the crowd eats liver sausage and hurls rotten fruit at the cursed figure of their happiness and glee. for there is the sum of all they fear and there is it put to rest forever never to be haunting their dreams or coming for them as they are thrown into the night and chased for their bodies and gratified screams of horror. i would be that straw man that headpiece stuffed with the sins of all and be never forgiven for if that is all i must do then let it be done and be done with it forever for everyone. what else is the use of my miserable existence. and as every doomed soul i see the only purpose left, my useless sacrifice, the ignobility of drama and despair that ends all human life, as we wallow in the remains of what was and see nothing for eternity.

there am i and in no such danger for i am sure my worst is yet to be and my shame will have no end for who i have been and no forgiveness for what i have become. though love is the wave on the ocean of life, despair is the anchor of existence dragging us below all the waves and sinking the ship of fools.

where is it now, the future of this wreck. i have only this minute this second to exist and nothing else. and nothing more for there is nothing to add to or take away from. the seed is gone and the life is done this one human is not important or meaningful. the human existence is a vehicle for transformation but not the source or the vessel of the force. there i am not either and not anything. less than human less than formed let alone transformed i am dust and from dust we are delivered to the winds of changeless eternities of emptiness.

i speak for there is no sound and i hear only the buzz of my empty life going through eons of fractured pictures formless but visible wavering as i feel their unseen tableau's disappear with my passing. the winds are filled with names and roads of many tortured turnings and i fly through them all and am born not once but a million times and i feel the sting of love and hope and fear across centuries of slavery and misery and through each the passage to the next is punctuated with pain killing pain and loss. where i am is lost and captured in timeless travel through time and space and memories unforgotten and now like hurtling destiny i am delivered to each and everyone. for there was never a time i did not ride the transport of the soul to flesh and grasp the unknown quest lost in the images of flesh flowing like the greatest river of despair yet never empty never unwanted never lost from my desires.

the deliverance parades unending and i do despair that i could ever hope to end this in one lifetime no matter what the masters say. and what am i to do with this, the end of all my beginnings and ends. where does this take me and what does any of it mean for the corridors are shut and the lights are out and the stage is set for my next and my next and my next confusion of flesh with spirit and fornication for love and how is this bringing me to my true self for all is maya and doom.

i feel the love too and at first it is only the light rays of dawn and the soothing gulp of evenings dim surrenders but it comes fresh and with true beauty and uncaring for the giving or the taking it is always there and i drink its soothing peace and look for its dreaming qualities in every face i see and soon its only the love and the golden faces and their all the face of her and she never leaves me and i see revealed before me her apparition the likeness in a million shards of glass her purity for being through every atom of my existence in every incarnation and through every hell she was the heavens gate from which i fell and here she holds me and i am not falling through time anymore but sleeping long and deep in her love and unending forgiveness.

the phone ring its sudden gong of awareness and i am thrust from my perch and it is Siddhartha come to call and i am not knowing which part of the universe i am come to but i know he is there and that is enough for she is he and i am in his arms too. we speak of my day and i can only touch on the wonder and the pain for me and i feel strangely like myself but without the worthless or pained parts bleeding. only a great peace has descended and i am full of the truth of love that sustains and gives back what we have taken.

let this be forever and ever and in thine glory unending may i always be your hearts complete surrender.