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Tuesday, March 16, 2010


we are drawn to it without question
it is our hearts desire
we cannot live without it
we are helpless in its thrall
we are attached
the thing the feeling the action
is addictive
is there a part of me that cannot see this
i think so
as i have said before
our emotional nature molds the shape of our thinking
our thoughts are driven by what we feel
if we feel something is absolutely needed then it becomes invisible
like breathing
or if what we need is something that is absolutely necessary like eating
then it becomes invisible to our thoughts
so it proceeds day to day always there
yet never questioned, not really, not in any sense that would threaten its continuance
we can know this is not the right thing
but we cannot change the action by thought
it is our feelings that have control even if we cant understand what the mechanism or connection is
it is in the vital nature
the uncontrolled nature of the senses
driven by lust and fear
we are dimly aware of what that means in our everyday behaviors
we are beset by desires we do not want to control
what we want when we are confronted with eat, drink, sleep, sex, money, things
what we feel when we get or are denied these
that is the source of discontent, unhappiness and disease
what drives these emotional attachments is where we get trapped
for there are a million feelings we have experienced
and held onto
throughout our lives right up to this moment
and when we have truly life interfering feelings that we cant resolve, we find behaviors
that help us ignore the feelings, that sink into our flesh muscle and bone and become stuck energies
and those behaviors are what we desire are attached to and create new behaviors to support those behaviors
and on and on
so when we see a man in a red jacket
we want to run away
or when there is a sunny morning
we feel like crying
or we eat when we are lonely
what is our attachment but the behaviors we created to avoid feeling
because when we feel it hurts
right down to the child that felt the pain
and we would do anything to keep that pain away
so we have attachments that maintain our separation from our feelings.
and what does that create
less feeling
less love
less connection to what we really are inside
and less able to feel ownership for our being
how do we access these deep rooted feelings, these fears and pains
without the tremendous suffering they contain
first feel love for yourself and the reasons why you protected yourself from the pain
know it was love for yourself that created this
then with this love remember the feeling the image that recalls the feeling
the heart pounding fear that the child experienced
and then back away
think, this is what the child feared
that is not happening now
i am just triggering it because of some image that reminds me of what happened
remember you are not that child now
and then say
i want to bring this feeling into present time
into this moment where i am not threatened and not at risk
and then open the image and let the real reason for the pain come out
you might want to cry or scream
go ahead
be angry
be sad
be yourself now experiencing what a child feared most
be whatever the child would have been if they were bigger and not so vulnerable
and see it for the thing it was, a humiliation, fear of losing love, hatred for an injustice
let it be in the present, now to this grown person
who can understand
and send that frightened child love and forgiveness
for being so strong and for making childish choices
and fill that space where the pain was with unquestioning love and be content for who you have become and this moment where you touched a part of yourself that was lost for so long
then you can go back to doing what you always do and notice
you are not attached to that behavior, now its reduced to a physical habit
now you can begin to stop that action without the attachment preventing you

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